Paisley's POV
"Cup, Plate, Bin" had quite literally taken over my entire life.
It started out with just dinner, and then breakfast, and now we do lunch too. "Cup, Plate, Bin" occurs every single day.
Every. Single. Day.
I was also delighted to learn that "Cup, Plate, Bin" doesn't stop if Lin or Vanessa are absent.
If Lin is at the theatre, he texts his choices to Vanessa.
If I'm at the theatre with Lin, Thayne steps in for Vanessa to play "Cup, Plate, Bin" as my substitute mother, which is...an extremely bizarre experience, but that's a story for another time.
The problem wasn't the game though, it was me. I began to feel extremely out of place out of nowhere, and I wasn't sure why.
Not at the theatre. I feel very comfortable with everyone at the theatre, and I love getting to go there all the time and be with everyone.
It was when I was at home that I started to feel a bit weird.
Vanessa had called me her daughter one night at dinner a few days ago.
Not introducing me to anyone or anything. It was just us, and she called me her daughter.
"Hija, dinner's ready."
It was a simple comment. A normal comment. A short comment.
But she addressed me as her daughter.
It shouldn't have been weird, it shouldn't have fazed me at all. I've been considering them my parents since I've gotten back from California. It shouldn't have been weird at all.
But it felt weird...and it really got me thinking.
At what point did Lin and Vanessa stop being these two overly-nice random people that I lived with? When did they suddenly become my parents?
It freaked me out, truthfully. They weren't Lin and Vanessa anymore. They were becoming Mom and Dad, and it scared me a lot.
The last time that anyone was Mom and Dad was...my literal biological mom and dad. That thought freaked me out even more.
Are we moving too fast? Do they feel like we're moving too fast? I know it's been a year and half, but...but this seems fast.
"Hija?" I heard Lin say, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Are you okay?"
"You too?" I asked, referring to him quite literally addressing me as his daughter.
It scares me.
"Huh?" Lin frowned, seeming very confused. "Oh, the Spanish? I thought I taught you that one. Hija is Spanish for-"
"I know what it's Spanish for." I quickly cut him off, hoping to prevent the use of that term anymore.
Lin nodded, not seeming to think anything of my panic towards the word.
He smiled when he looked over at Seb, reaching over to ruffle the toddler's hair. "And mi hijo."
Now Seb actually is his son.
They share the same genetics and everything. Seb is their kid.
But not me.
I share genetics with a dead woman and a narcissistic low life. Those are my parents, not Lin and Vanessa.
It wasn't the food in front of me that made my stomach hurt but rather the thoughts swimming in my head.
I won't ever have parents again.
And Lin and Vanessa aren't mine, they never will be. It's like trying to jam the wrong puzzle piece into a puzzle. It just doesn't work, and it's not meant to be.
"Are you sure you're alright, P?" Vanessa asked me, causing Lin to look over too.
"Yeah, I just...don't feel great." I said quietly, closing my eyes and leaning forward as I rubbed my temples. My head was killing me.
"Thinking too hard?" Lin laughed a little, obviously meaning it as a joke. But I was thinking too hard, way too hard. My thoughts were strangling me.
I stayed silent, only shrugging at Lin's suggested joke.
"Train?" Sebastian said, pointing over at the TV in the living room.
"My man. You're a genius." Lin nodded, picking up Sebastian, although I had no clue what he was talking about. He looked over at Vanessa and I like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Come on. We're watching a movie."
How he got that from a toddler pointing at the TV and saying "train"? I have no clue.
Lin and Sebastian settled onto the couch, Vanessa getting up and beginning to clear some of the dinner plates away.
I only sat there, staring down at my plate. I only had one bite left, which I managed to take down, my plate empty.
Portions were small nowadays, and I appreciated that. I liked that we were building up rather than jumping right into large portions.
Granted...we haven't technically built up yet. My portions have remained the same small amount within the past few days. But that's okay, we'll build up soon maybe.
Vanessa gave me a small smile, clearing my plate and walking over to the kitchen, leaving me alone at the table.
I think...eating was good tonight. The portion was tiny, it wasn't anything to be proud of, but I still felt good. I mean...as good as one can feel when their stomach is in constant attack mode.
But I didn't get sick tonight, something that's been a struggle lately, so I counted that as a victory.
I watched Vanessa walk over to the living room, sitting right on the couch beside Lin and Sebastian, my thoughts returning to where they were earlier.
They were picture perfect, and I'm just the nuisance. Right now, the three of them on the couch together, they look like a family. If I sat on the couch with them, I would just make it look so...out of place.
I'm so out of place. It makes me feel weird.
Like I don't belong here.
"P?" I heard Vanessa say, breaking me from my train of thoughts. She looked concerned from her spot on the couch, obviously wondering why I was just sitting at the dinner table all zoned out. "Are you coming?"
They were picture perfect, and I would hate to be the one to ruin that picture.
I slowly shook my head. "No, I'm...I'm okay."
Lin frowned, looking over at me too and looking very upset. "But it's family movie night."
"Exactly, it should just be the three of you."
The comment made both Lin and Vanessa turn around, looking very alarmed, and I realized maybe I should've said something that gave away my thoughts a little less.
"Goodnight." I said quietly before either of them could say anything, standing up and making my way down the hall. I let out a sigh once my bedroom door was closed.
It's weird now. Ever since I started questioning this whole living dynamic, everything's been weird.
It's just...hard to get drilled into my brain.
They were starting to become Mom and Dad.
But who are you to shove yourself into their family uninvited? That's incredibly rude.
They're not your parents, Paisley.
They're Lin and Vanessa, and that's all they'll ever be.
************
I was way too tired in the morning for "Cup, Plate, Bin", but unfortunately it doesn't seem that I get the choice to opt out.
Lin had already left for the morning, so it was just Vanessa and I.
"Come on, please? You've got it." Vanessa gave me a small smile, obviously trying to be encouraging. But I couldn't do it. My stomach was in knots, especially after last night's dream.
Alex is always so angry in my dreams, and I can't help but wonder if what she said in the hospital was a lie. Maybe she was just trying to make me feel better, but ultimately, I'm the reason she's gone. It's all my fault.
I had pulled my phone out earlier this morning, ready to text her. Ready to ask her if she wanted to go to the park, or spend the night, or just do something.
But I can't. I can't even text her. She's gone, and that was a slap to the face. The worst way to start a morning is always...well, mourning.
I watched Vanessa look nervously at the clock, obviously anxious about being late for work.
"Not even a little bit?" She asked, referring to the portion on my plate that had stayed untouched.
I didn't respond at all, though. I only stared at her, watching her sigh as she stood up to clear my breakfast plate aside.
"Fine. Lin will do it." She said as she made her way to the kitchen, and I knew I should've just eaten what was on my plate.
Vanessa is much more lenient about this game. If I at least make an attempt to eat, she'll let me be done, even if it's only half the portion.
But Lin is harder on me. I'm not allowed to be done until all the food is cleared, and it's incredibly hard. I don't like playing it with Lin.
Vanessa hurried around a bit, glancing at the time once more before making her way over to me.
"Seb's babysitter should be here in...maybe five minutes? So make sure you let him in. And Lin will come pick you up once he's done at the store. Okay?" Vanessa asked, and I slowly nodded. "Are you okay to be alone for five minutes? I don't want you to be scared or...or panic or freak out because no one's here I just-"
"I'll be okay for five minutes." I laughed a little, Vanessa letting out a sigh as she was clearly distressed. Five minutes was such a brief window, but I was surprised they were letting me alone for even that short period of time.
"Right...okay." Vanessa put on a small smile. She pulled me into a hug that I gladly accepted, before pulling away a moment later. It looked like she was about to leave for a moment, but she didn't.
"Um...are you okay?" I asked, referring to Vanessa just kind of standing right there staring at me.
"You know that...you're part of our family too, right?"
Ah, last night's happenings. I figured this would come up. Good going, Paisley.
I nodded, only to calm her nerves, but it was so far from the truth.
I think they're trying to make me part of their family. But again, you can't just shove a random puzzle piece into a puzzle and hope it works.
I'm not part of this. Some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how badly you want it, and this is one of those things.
Vanessa seemed relaxed once I nodded. "Okay, good. Because we love you, and we don't want you to ever feel out of place. You're part of this too."
I'm not part of this.
But I nodded again, even giving Vanessa an extremely forced smile to ease her nerves.
"Okay! Well I'm extremely late." Vanessa laughed a little, looking up at the time. She turned to me with a more serious look. "If you're freaked out being alone, please call one of us, okay?"
"I think I can manage five minutes, Vanessa." I laughed a little, watching Vanessa grin as she turned to leave, saying goodbye one more time.
Once the door was closed and I really was alone, I did feel a bit weird. The last time I was home alone was maybe a month ago, and that did not end pretty.
I completely broke down in the bathroom. Anthony had to come pick me up and I had to stay with him and Jazzy and it was just...embarrassing. I'm fifteen, I should be able to be alone without freaking out all the time.
I sat down on the couch, not quite knowing what to do with my few minutes of unsupervised freedom. What does one do when they're home alone?
Yet I didn't even get to decide, because there was a knock on the front door.
I silently hoped that it was Lin coming to pick me up, or maybe Vanessa coming back because she had forgotten her purse or something.
But no.
I unlocked the door, swinging it open to reveal Sebastian's babysitter.
"Oh. Hi." I sighed, turning around and making my way back over to the couch.
"Hi. Uh...your parents are gone already?" The guy asked. I nodded, looking down at my phone, hoping Lin would text me soon and tell me he was coming.
It's not that the babysitter was mean or anything. He seemed very nice. But he seems like a shy person, which isn't a problem at all, it can just get a little awkward.
"Where's the baby?"
"Sleeping." I replied, not looking up from my phone.
"Right." I heard the guy say quietly, sitting down on the couch opposite of me.
The atmosphere was weird, and awful. I didn't want to just go to my room and leave the poor guy by himself, but I didn't know what to do.
I sent Lin a text, asking him where the heck he was.
"I don't think we've ever actually...you know, properly met." I heard the guy say. I looked up from my phone, watching as he gave me a small smile. "I'm Jaxton."
"Cool." I nodded, not really saying anything else. It was very obvious Jaxton wanted me to say something, but I had no clue what else to say. The room was so uncomfortably silent, I didn't know what to do.
"And you are...?"
"Uncomfortable." I sighed.
"I meant...your name. Penelope, right?" Jaxton asked, and I immediately frowned. "Er...not Penelope. Sorry. Your dad said it was something weird, uh...Presley? Or is it-"
"He said my name was weird?" My name wasn't the most common name, but it definitely isn't the weirdest name I've ever heard either. I took a tiny bit of offense to that comment.
"No! Not...not weird! Just...uh, you know. I mean...it is a bit different than what you usually hear. Why didn't your parents just name you Paige or something more popular?" The guy laughed, obviously trying to just joke around, but he was really annoying me.
"Why didn't your parents just name you Jackson? What the heck is Jaxton?" I shot right back, watching him frown.
"It's...it's a cool name." He mumbled, and it was very evident I had bruised his ego.
I let out the most relieved sigh when Lin texted and told me that he was here, and I wasted no time in getting up and making my way over to the front door.
"Oh, wait...Paisley." I heard Jaxton's voice just as I was getting ready to leave. I sighed, turning around and looking over at him. "If, uh...if Sebastian starts crying...how do I...like...calm him down?"
I blinked, not sure if I was hearing him right. "You're...a paid babysitter...and you're asking me how to calm him down. That's your entire job."
"Yeah, just...when they scream...they make me nervous." The guy said hesitantly, letting out a nervous laugh.
I only stared at him one last time, saying nothing as I closed the front door behind me and walked down the stairs of the apartment complex.
I made my way over to Lin's car, immediately beginning to talk as I got in.
"You told the babysitter I have a weird name? You talk to the babysitter about me? I don't have a weird name, it's not weird, it's cool. Why do you talk to the babysitter about me?"
"Good morning, Paisley. Yes, I did have a wonderful morning, thank you for asking. Oh, you did too? I love to hear it." Lin's voice was quiet and calm, and I immediately groaned.
"I don't appreciate the sarcasm when it's not even noon yet." I sighed, causing Lin to chuckle.
"What's up with the babysitter? You came over here guns blazing." Lin said, beginning the drive to the theatre.
"I just...miss Jess." I frowned. "I don't like him."
"I'm sure you'll grow to like him. He seems nice."
Highly unlikely.
I miss Jess. I miss her being at the house all the time, getting to talk to her about different things without the fear of judgment. I used to look forward to hearing that Sebastian's babysitter would be coming over, and now I dread hearing that phrase.
"Where were you all morning?" I yawned, still a little tired, and not quite used to us going to the theatre so early. But I forgot that it's Sunday, meaning their first show begins earlier than it usually does.
"Just running errands. Had to stop to get breakfast too because I was informed that Miss Miranda didn't touch any of her food this morning."
"Oh, yeah, uh...thanks for getting me breakfast." I said quietly, hoping we could maybe swerve away from the topic of my lost appetite this morning.
"Why didn't you eat this morning?" Lin cut right to the chase.
I'm not sure why I didn't eat this morning. Just a mixture of things, I guess.
I have no energy for that stupid eating game that they made up. I hate it. And all I want to do when I wake up is just lay around in bed, I don't want to have to get up and go to the table to eat.
Besides...this morning was rough in regards to Alex. Er...lack of Alex.
That's the first time I've ever grabbed my phone and tried to text her. I thought that my dream of Alex screaming and crying and yelling at me was so nightmarish that it couldn't be real. The thought of Alex being gone was so horrifying, I instinctively thought it was nothing more than a bad dream. I had picked up my phone to text her.
"Not a great morning." I said quietly, Lin clearly picking up the hint because he stayed quiet after that.
The ride was quiet, and peaceful even. I felt the car lull to a stop, and I expected to look up and be met with the beaming lights of the Rodgers.
But it was just insanely awful New York City traffic, and we were at a standstill.
"Hey, listen...about last night-"
"Vanessa and I already talked about it. It's okay, we don't have to go through this again." I said quickly. I really was not in the mood for having this whole talk again, it would just make my stomach hurt even more.
"We don't want you to feel so...on the outside. You're part of this family too, you're just as much a part of this family as Sebastian is." Lin said gently. I didn't mean to be rude, but I accidentally laughed at that statement.
"No I'm not."
"See, but why do you feel like that? Are we leaving you out of things? Are we doing something that's making you feel like that?" Lin asked, his voice hinting that he was a little panicked, and I most definitely didn't want that.
"No, no. I just...I don't know. I mean...I'm not trying to be negative. But biologically, he's your son. So in terms of facts...yeah, he is more a part of your family than I am."
He's more apart of the family in the aspect that he's in the family, and I'm not. He's a Miranda, and I'm not. He's their kid, and I'm not.
"Genetics don't make a bit of a difference in that regard, Paisley. You know that." Lin said gently.
"That's literally what families are built off of though. Shared genetics. And...I don't share genetics with any of you."
"Paisley-"
"I just think that maybe we should stop. Maybe we should take a step back and...and stop forcing something that's not meant to be." I said quietly.
"What do you mean forcing something that's not meant to be?"
I frowned, taking a deep breath as I tried to gather my thoughts.
"You guys are really nice to try and include me in everything. In all of this, in your family. But...you didn't even know I existed a year and a half ago, and now suddenly I'm your daughter? It doesn't make sense, and neither does me being a part of your family."
It scared me, truthfully. I shouldn't be apart of their family, and yet somehow they were becoming my parents. I felt out of place, yet they were slowly turning into my mom and dad.
I don't know what to do. Maybe the best thing is to just kind of push them away until I can sort my feelings out. Take some time and space to think about everything.
My feelings were scaring me. This whole situation was scaring me. It's weird.
"Genetics mean nothing."
"Genetics mean everything." I corrected Lin. "They mean everything, and they also mean that you're not my dad. Vanessa's not my mom, you guys aren't my parents. And...and I'm not your daughter."
I stopped my speech once I noticed that we were already pulled up to the theatre. I gathered my things, ready to get out of the car.
"I'll go get Thayne and tell him we're ready for that stupid Cup, Plate...whatever it is." I mumbled.
"Paisley, wait a minute-"
But I had already exited the vehicle, making my way past the barricades and through the stage door.
Picking up a random puzzle piece and just trying to shove it somewhere random and hope it works just doesn't make any sense.
They're so nice to try and make me apart of their family. But I don't belong here, and that's very evident.
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hiiiiiii
it's winter break y'all. i will be getting zero sleep pfft i will be so energetic these next couple weeks.
whatever you celebrate, have a good holiday season!
(or if you don't celebrate anything at all, have a lovely end to your december :))
thank you so much for reading!
<3