"Fucking finally!" Ian, Lidia's brother, shouts the second he gets in the car and gives me a feast bump one Saturday afternoon.
He doesn't even wait for me to pull up, he just slides inside the moving car without a care. I barely even manage to slow down.
"You are crazy!" I tell him as I turn to the right, speeding up and driving away from the airport.
He throws the small sports bag in the backseat before fastening his seatbelt and letting out an exhausted sigh.
"Did you move to a completely new city with just a single bag and a laptop?" I ask him confused, eyes on the road.
"Your point?" He asks as if he doesn't get what I'm saying.
"Ian, no one does that."
"I'm not no one, Selena." He says making me roll my eyes at him.
"Crazy," I mumble again, throwing the McDonald paper-bag at him. "Here, I've grabbed you some lunch. Lidia said fast food is your weakness."
"Damn, that's true. Thank you for picking me up, by the way. So? How's it going?"
"Eh, so-so. Nothing fun to tell, still struggling to keep up with my job and classes." I brush his question off. I know exactly what he wants to know.
Ian and have been keeping in touch these past couple of weeks, and he knows some bits of what I'm going through. But right now I don't feel like hearing his nagging.
The thing about Ian is that he sounds and looks like a kind of authority. Maybe it's because he's older than me or any of my friends (32), his job (general surgeon), or his past that he never shares, but sometimes, most of the time, he sounds absolutely mature and rational.
Although it doesn't mean he doesn't have humor and is not hilarious when he wants to be.
He's like a fresh mix, someone that can talk to you about serious surgeries, explain the details like he's talking to a kid, and the next second he can throw the textbook at you and then start laughing about it. Yeah, a unique type of psycho, but I'm glad I have him as a friend now. And hopefully, I won't ever get on his bad side.
Texting and calling him about medical stuff for my homework has bonded us so much, that sometimes when he's tired after a long surgery, he tells me to "fuck off". Seriously, that's how close we are.
"Are you still being a loser?" He asks casually and from the corner of my eye, I see him type on his phone with one hand and eat a handful of fries.
"Are you still being an arse about it? I told you not to speak up if you don't have anything nice to say."
"It's 'ass', Selena. You're not a kid, talk properly. And you need tough scolding, not soft shit. By the way, did you rent this car?" He changes the topic never looking up from his phone.
Wow, he'd really get along with someone I know, just fine.
"No, I borrowed it from Snow."
"Snow?" I feel him stop typing for a second, thinking about it.
"She's a friend."
"Snow..." he repeats as if testing the name, "It's a beautiful name. And why aren't you getting a car? Don't you have money? I can lend you some."
"How can you be nice AND tactless at the same time, Ian? Really," I speed up a bit to avoid the traffic jam, that's probably waiting for us ahead. " Besides, I really like walking," I tell him honestly. If I get a car I won't even move my pinky. "And as if you are that rich," I mumble under my breath.
I hear Ian chuckle, but he doesn't say anything, just gives me directions to where he's going to stay.
"That's what I thought," I mumble again when he doesn't defend himself. Oh, but I can't be more wrong.
"So you ARE rich," I state, as the elevator doors open right in Ian's penthouse minutes later.
He gives me a wink as we exit, the hotel porter behind us.
Even though Ian told them he'd take his own bag, they still offered us help.
I guess that's how it is in every expensive hotel in the world, because this Peninsula one is definitely one of the most expensive hotels in Chicago, and it shows.
The guy places Ian's bag in the room upstairs and excuses himself, leaving us alone in this huge penthouse.
I wander around, studying every corner of the living room, and Jesus, it IS crazy.
The whole place is so classy and beautiful, it's unreal. The chocolate brown sofas and armchairs go exceptionally well with the light brown walls and pillows.
There is a huge TV on one wall, a kitchen area with all the things one might need, a bar, and from floor to ceiling windows. The whole Chicago can be seen from here, and it makes you feel like you're on top of the world. And that's just the first floor. There are a couple of wooden stairs leading up to the bedroom, but of course, I don't check that one out.
"I think I will need a car, so can you lend me the money you mentioned?" I joke, getting a seat on one of the many armchairs.
"The train is long gone, and you didn't board it," Ian says over his shoulder, as he kicks his shoes off, before making his way to the kitchen. "You want a drink?"
"Is there a coke?"
Ian starts to hum under his breath as he examines the drinks and suddenly there's this feeling in my chest that makes it hard for me to breathe.
Kai... he did that too, sing under his breath. He'd do that all the time when he was driving, or waiting for me downstairs, so we could walk down the street to our favorite cafe, or when he was looking up at the sky.
I loved listening to him do that as he ran his fingers through my hair during the night, every time I was over at his place.
"Here you go," I notice Ian in front of me, handing me a red can.
How did he get here in a blink of an eye? Did I space out again?
I shake my head, trying to come back to the moment and take it out of his hand, thanking him.
"Do you have plans tonight?" Ian asks, getting a sit on the small coffee table in front of me and opening his bottle of water.
"Not really, just watching movies and stuffing my face with Chinese. Why? Do you wanna go out tonight?"
"Well, we could go around the city. Fuck, I already have a scheduled surgery tomorrow, so today is the only day I can relax."
"Sure, I'm in. I know some places you might want to see."
"Nice." He nods, taking a sip.
"Are you going to stay here alone? Isn't it a little too much for one person?"
Ian growl, stretching his feet.
"Come on, Selena, I'm a 32 years old bachelor, you think I'm not gonna bring women up here, whenever I have the time?"
"Right, for a minute there I forgot who you were," I stand up to my feet to leave, and get some sleep at home, if possible.
"I'll pick you up at 8, so you can return the car to Snow." He calls out, throwing himself on the sofa, as I enter the elevator. "And text me your address."
"Fine."
"Hey, you didn't finish your drink." He shouts closing his eyes exhausted. I guess being a doctor is really tiresome.
"Don't feel like drinking with a manwhore today."
The elevator doors close as I press the button, but I don't miss him shouting "Prude."
I smile to myself as the cab moves down from the top floor.
I'm glad he's here, and I'm glad I've finally decided to go out at night for the first time in a month.
~***~
It's when Ian tells me he's downstairs, and I'm on my way to meet him that I see him, Kai, for the first time in a month.
I'm walking to the car Ian's told me he's got, texting Natalie on my way, and just like that out of nowhere I look up and spot Kai on his way to enter the building.
I stop walking, my heart pumping loudly in my ears. I examine him making his way to me, his head down as if he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
He's wearing all black - a pair of sweatpants, with running shoes and a hoody. I'm guessing he was out for his night run, judging by his heavy breathing. Was he running around the globe? Is that why I couldn't see him for weeks?
A part of his hair is gathered in a short bun, and it suits him so much it should be illegal to go out like that.
I am still starring at him, trying to have my fill of him, so for a moment, I don't even realize how my phone slips out of my hands. The sound of it hitting the ground makes Kai look up, and I wake up from my trance.
All the pain and tears he's caused me are suddenly gone the second his blue oceans land on me.
Like a deer caught in headlights, I stare back at him, scared and confused.
He didn't expect to see me either because his eyes mirror mine as he stops in front of me.
He's motionless, as I bend down slowly to pick my phone up. I can't ignore how my hands tremble as I stand up straight, expecting him to say something, anything. Even a "hi" is fine because I've just missed his voice way too much.
But he doesn't. Instead, his eyes are now completely cold as if we are strangers as if he doesn't care, as if he never knew me, never touched me, never loved me.
Maybe we became strangers during the last month, or maybe we never really knew each other. I will never know now.
There are so many things I want to tell him, but no part of my brain or body moves.
He doesn't have a problem with that though. He starts to walk right past me, and as a result, our hands brush accidentally, as I clench my fists on my sides.
I can feel Kai stop behind me, but I don't have the courage to turn back.
If I do I will cry because I've missed him so much that even the mare contact of my skin with his is causing a whole hurricane inside me.
I keep standing there, my heart in my sleeves and my back to him, waiting for him to say something when Ian's voice breaks the silence instead.
"Selena? Are you coming?" I hear Ian's voice from somewhere, and see him walking to me. I realize now, Kai and I aren't the only people in the street.
I turn around abruptly, to see Kai's reaction, but he's not there.
He's gone, leaving me behind yet again.
What did I expect? Of course, he'd not talk to me, he'd not look at me, let alone tell me he wants us back.
What did my stupid heart even expect from him this whole month?
"Selena?" Ian says again, as I feel him come to a stop next to me, my eyes still roaming around, looking for Kai.
I clear my throat, holding back the tears burning the back of my eyes. I force a smile before turning around and facing Ian.
"Yeah, let's go."
From that day on, we bump into each other like a weekly routine, but we don't even say hi.
I feel like he's trying not to appear in my way, but I want him to. I want him to block my way because even though it hurts, I want to get my dose of him every single day.
My eyes always linger on him as he walks past me, leaving me behind again and again and again, but I don't say anything, as if I don't care.
I want to hurt him the way he hurts me, knowing perfectly well that it destroys me too.
Then sometimes I look through the peephole like James when I hear the sound of his passcode just so I can get a glimpse of him. I stare at him when he closes his door and drags himself to the elevators as if the simple act of walking causes him pain. As if it hurts to even breathe.
I hate how our friends, and even, EVEN Natalie bite their tongue after accidentally mentioning his name around me. Kai hasn't come to any of our gatherings after we lost Dylan, but I feel like the gang would prevent us from being in the same room anyway.
I get them, I do, but it shouldn't be like this. They shouldn't have to choose between us.
Besides, I still want to be in the same room with him, even though I won't admit it out loud.
But that's the truth and tonight I'm going to seek him out myself.
I need to see him because I've not bumped into him for this week, and I need to see him so I can get through this week.
There's no doubt that I'm still a mess. I still want someone who doesn't want ME. But what can I say?
He's like a drug, just one small glance is not enough. I constantly need more, and no matter how much I try, I can't fight it. So I justify my actions by telling myself it's for me and not him.
Lucky for me Nat has made a slip today, saying Matt and Kai were going to Paradise tonight and that's exactly why I'm here too. And I'm looking my best for him to regret it and want us back... will he ever?
I didn't want to ask any of my friends to join me, not especially Ian or Natalie, because I didn't want their pitiful glances or rational point of view. So instead I've invited my colleagues, Heather and Riley.
They've never been here before so they're both excited, especially Riley. She has heard about the place before, but to get in she needs to be invited by a member of the club. Which I am.
It's past midnight and I've been here at Paradise for almost an hour, looking around the club and staring at the empty booth that practically belongs to Kai only, and still, there's no sight of him.
I know he's here, I just know it. Or maybe that's what I want to believe in. But whatever the answer is, one thing is for sure: I can't tame the butterflies throwing a party in my stomach.
I haven't been this excited in months now, and knowing that I will see him again, even from afar, even just for a minute is making me feel all sorts of things.
For the first time in a while, I'm actually looking forward to something.
"You have been looking around the whole night. Are we here to meet someone?" Riley's voice distracts me, making me turn my face to her. I should have known this smart blondie would sense something, especially when my lying skills are not superb.
"Not really. You asked me to bring you here one day, so today is the day. Enjoy yourself." I answer giving her a wink before my eyes start to roam around again, now more secretly.
"If you say so..." she mumbles, definitely not believing me, but thankfully not pressing the matter.
"We should definitely order another round of drinks," Heather changes the subject, and I almost let out a relieved breath.
"Sure, let's do that. It's on me, so feel free to order anything." And just then my eyes catch the sight of his tall frame under the lights. He's alone, and I wonder where the hell Matt is.
Getting a seat at his usual spot, Kai puts a bottle and a glass on the table in front of him and leans back in his seat, arms tucked under his head. I can't make out what the bottle is or much about his looks from here, but I think it's his favorite whiskey, and he most probably has his eyes closed now.
Is this what he's doing at night now? Drowns his loss in alcohol? As I keep watching him from here while trying to participate in the conversations going around me, I'm mentally praying he doesn't touch the drink.
Alcohol never really helped him. If anything, it made things worse, because it reminded him of that night his mother passed away. Maybe that's exactly why he turns to it whenever he blames himself for anything.
Riley is telling us about her ex that has "magically showed his ass in her life again" when I see Kai reach for the bottle. He doesn't use the glass, he just drinks it down like water. Maybe it IS water, but from here the bottle looks exactly like his favorite brand.
I wait for him to freaking stop and not empty the whole bottle, but he never does.
Is he crazy? Who's going to take him home if he gets drunk like that? Is he going to get behind the wheel? No way in hell!
"Stop it!" I tell him mentally, hoping that by some miracle it will reach him. When he puts the bottle down, I almost let out a relieved breath. I don't have time to do that though, because he brings it back to his lips. ENOUGH!
"Be back soon," I tell the girls and slide out of the booth, making my way to him through the crowds.
With every step I take toward him, my mind is screaming at me to stop, but I can't. My heart is stronger than my mind, I realize it always was.
My feet shaking, I come to a stop right in front of him, and slowly, so slowly he raises his head.
His eyes travel up and down my frame confused as if he thinks I'm an illusion. That's what I think of him too.
How can someone so human be so, so... divine? Even at his worst, he looks like a God and it's not just his appearance. It's his eyes, and the way he moves, the way he holds his bottle, and the way his lips move when he speaks.
The way he's dressed is nothing out of the ordinary - an oversized shirt, dark jeans, and sneakers. The only difference is his hair, which today too is in a half-bun.
His gorgeous eyes linger on me too and I'm glad I've decided to look my best, even though I didn't feel like it. I'm wearing a blue short satin dress with thin stripes and black heels with thinner stripes around my feet.
The way he looks at me, makes me question the reason he's broken up with me in the first place. Because right now, I feel like he wants to kiss me.
He's looked at me like this when I played the piano for him, every time I told him I loved him, and every time he dipped his head to kiss me.
But all of this was before Kai stopped loving me... just like that. So why is he looking at me like this again? Why?
I try to smile, ignoring all the thoughts running through my head and the way his blue eyes on me make me feel.
"Hey," I say faintly and cuss at myself instantly.
Hey? What a stupid thing to say to someone you've not talked to for months, but someone you've missed more than anything in the world. I feel like if I hear his voice again, I'm going to pass out right here.
"Maybe that's enough for the night," I add, nodding toward the bottle in his hand.
Kai blinks, shaking his head, and just like that the look in his eyes is gone and he's back to being someone I barely even recognize.
"What are you doing here?" He asks, but he's placing the bottle back. I hope I can hide the shiver my body experiences because of his cold tone over the slow music.
"Is that the first thing you want to say to me, after all this time?"
"Then what do you expect me to say, Selena?" His face and voice are practically emotionless right now, and I don't even know why I thought this could be a good idea.
"Everything. Ask me if I'm alright, ask me about my new job and my classes. Ask me if I'm over you. Ask me all the things you want to know about me. There has to be something."
" I know all the answers I need. There's nothing more I want to know about you."
"I collected all my courage to came here tonight, because I knew you'd be here, and you have nothing to say to me?" I tell him openly. Honestly, I don't have anything to hide from him right now. At least later tonight, when I lie in bed my eyes wide open, I'd know I've tried my all.
"Your expectations are not my responsibility."
I stare at him as if I'm really seeing him for the first time. Oh, wow, I thought he couldn't hurt me more than he already did, but it still hits different every time.
"Who are you?" I whisper to myself because I don't have an idea.
He stands up to his feet and his tall frame is now closer to me than we've ever been in a while. I can feel him with every fiber in my body and I barely manage to keep my eyes open.
"Nice talk," Kai says instead and is about to leave when I grab his hand with mine and make him pause.
"Since when are you a coward?" I ask him, turning my face to look him straight in the eye, but he doesn't even have enough decency to face me.
Yeah, I should probably let it all go just like he did, but I can't.
He removes my hand, without a word and rashes past me, as if he can't wait to get rid of me, the girl who's still hung up on him.
I put a hand over my heart as I start to shake with emotions swallowing me from the inside because I've promised myself not to cry today.
At least not today. I've seen him, and that's enough. This was for me, I'm here for me.
"You're fine," I mumble to myself, tapping on my heart, trying to ease the pain. "You're fine, Selena. You're fine."
After repeating the words over and over again, I feel like I believe them, so I find enough courage to force a smile on my face again and go back to my friends.
Heather and Riley are laughing when I make my way back, and they don't have time to ask me anything, since I ask them to let me in on the joke.
Meanwhile, I drink down my glass of water in one go, wondering if it can put down the fire inside me.
It doesn't. Instead, I notice Kai at the bar, closer than he was when he was in his booth. It takes me a second to realize there's a girl next to him.
I almost let out a bitter laugh, because really, how could I let him use me like this and still want him?
Don't I have pride? I should have learned my lesson when I heard about him and Amelia, him and Jennifer, him and all the girls he's been with. Instead, I thought we were special. Instead, I decided to believe him.
Freaking delusional me!
Kai notices me too, and his eyes never leave mine as he leans into the girl and touches her arm.
My mind and body paralyzed I watch all his moves, just to remember him like this. If his words weren't enough of a sign for me to forget him and put myself first, then maybe this will do the job.
I want to know just how much more my heart can take. So, come on, Kai, help me find out.
I have to force myself to look and remember him touching the girl, brushing the hair behind her ear, the way he's done to me so many times before. I have to force myself to hold his gaze while he's doing it all as if he wants me to receive the final memo.
"Selena?" I hear a voice next to me and blink, confused. I then remember I'm here with my friends and try to act alive. "Seriously what's up with you tonight?" Riley is asking.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I smile, and I think I could get an Oscar for that smile alone. "I love the music here, so I find it hard to concentrate."
"What song is it then?"
I don't need a second to answer her, I know this song by heart. It's one of the tracks Sean used to play every time Kai and I were here. I guess he knows he's here tonight too.
"It's 'You' by The 1975." I tell her.
How ironic, so freaking ironic.
"I love it." Heather chimes in, sipping her drink, and so do I, as I turn my eyes back on Kai and all conversations and people disappear again.
As if he can feel my stare back on him, he turns his head to me just when he wraps an arm around the girl.
I won't cry here, I won't cry here, I won't cry here.
I repeat this in my head, even when he stands up and starts to make his way out of the club, his arm still around the girl.
So why do I suddenly feel my tears running down my face, as I watch him leave with someone else? He's going to take her home...
"What the hell, Selena?" Heather says next to me, and before I know it, I'm on my feet, grabbing my purse and running toward the bathrooms.
I pass right next to him and I make sure to bump his shoulder with mine. Right now, I could punch him too.
"Fuck you, Kai," I say and I'm surprised, I'm not shouting it. He has the decency to let out a short humorless laugh, as his eyes find mine.
"It's funny, everyone keeps telling me that tonight."
"I won't go home alone either. Just so you know," I lie to his face and don't waste another second next to him. I can't look at him right now.
Tears still running down my eyes, I run to the bathrooms as fast as possible and throw up.
I'll be fine though, I have to be.