Twenty seven years later
I had a duty to fulfill.
It was something that I had always been told. I was created to carry on the family name and to do my duty. As the years passed and I grew older the duty would change but the main thing that didn't was for me to carry on the family name. Now that I was twenty five my father was now adamant about it. He told me how he was going to find me a suitable, pureblood Orrian woman of good standing and high social ranking.
It was my duty as Kher LehnSon's only heir. I must continue on the traditional family practice. I had to carry on the name.
Except I had always had this niggling doubt in my head that my duty wasn't exactly to do as my father decreed. It had started with the Soul Maker and when she had given me my medallion.
I had expected something of distinguished importance that was befitting my family name but instead I had been given tarnished copper disk. It had blotches of blue green over old copper. It had been disappointing for me and my father. However when my father had left the Soul Maker's room and I had moved to follow, the wizened old woman grabbed my wrist, halting my process.
"You will be given a choice in this life, Keen LehnSon. Do what your father decrees is your duty. Follow in the dark footsteps of your family and lead your blood line in the darkness that will swallow you whole." She cackled loudly. "Or you can forge yourself a new path, create a new destiny and join your brothers and sisters in the light."
I had been confused because I had no siblings but when I went to ask her she had pushed me out the door and closed it quickly behind me.
That is when the doubt that surfaced but I shoved it all down and away. I did everything my father asked of me. I trained to be a soldier, gathered several medals on my two tours of duties against the Kengans. I had gone to the school of his choice and learned everything he dictated I should plus several that he could not control. Such as learning English and about humans.
My father hated them.
He had told me over and over again that they weren't to be trusted. That they had poisoned the Oria council against my grandfather and had him banished to the outer realms never to return. I had never seen anyone look so livid and cold before. When I had been a child it scared me. Now, I simply grew wary. Sometimes there seemed to be a glimmer of madness in my father's eyes that matched the cold glint in my mother's.
My childhood had been cold and I had always felt it was lacking. I had been well aware of those children whose parents would wrap them in their arms and press kisses to their cheeks. It made me wonder about more for me until my mother would yank me away, hissing about half-breeds and humans. So I would scowl at the children and their parents, hoping the hate would some how warm my mother and father up to me.
It never worked.
So I spent my life doing my duty, listening to my father, following in footsteps that had been set out before me. However that doubt always crawled back up, whispering about how uneven the steps were, how dark the path was. I would shove it away again and again but that little voice would always come back, whispering about how there was more. Such tantalizing whispers about how there was something greater for me out there. A faint chance at the warmth of love that I had craved as a child.
It was hard to ignore the voice as a child but I found it easier as I had grown, even though the doubt itself made me feel like I was wearing a mask my father had painted for me. It was a mask because underneath everything he taught me was a slight doubt and a disbelief that it wasn't true or right. As much as I tried to force it on, the mask never quite fit right. It rubbed me the wrong way no matter how many times I had tried to believe it didn't.
It was hard to believe in a man who tormented your nightmares as a child. My father was not a nice man. He wore a mask of false civilities to hide the twisted, dark creature that hid underneath. I had been at the brunt of his fury many times as I had grown up. I wasn't perfect and imperfection needed to be punished. It was the Orrian way he would say as he would pull his belt from his pants and point to a wall for me to press my hands against. If I wouldn't be perfect from creation, he would beat it into me.
My hand tightened into fists as a dark expression twisted my face at the memories. I didn't need to remember those. It only served to make the mask I wore itch and shift. I needed to be neutral and unaffected.
"Keen! Do not fiddle with that." My father's voice was sharp and my hand automatically dropped from my medallion to my side. My hand throbbed from the pressure of me squeezing it in my fist. Despite my strength the damned thing wouldn't break or bend. "Stand up straight and get that look off your face." I followed his instructions, forcing the thoughts away so that the dark look would smooth out into the classic LehnSon expression. Indifference with a hint of prideful smugness and derision. It was a reminder that everyone wanted to be a LehnSon but that they were all below our family name.
"I cannot believe they forced General Hamesk to have his headquarters on Earth. This is going too far. We are losing our culture while we breed with them like cattle." My father spit the words out and I nodded my agreement as he wished, my face twisting at the thought of how the humans created children.
Copulation.
True, I had my fair share of dalliances but that was with Orrian women and never for the purpose of reproducing. A true Orrian child was created on the fertility ships. It was what my father had always told me. We never rutted like animals for it. Sex was to be used for pleasure and for furthering your social standing. Nothing more.
I could understand why. Many, if not all, Orrian women were cold participants. Not truly into the experience and always with a bored look on their face. That little voice would always whisper in my ear that rutting like an animal in a manner that heated my skin and scored my back with nails would be more enjoyable than the cold indifference of the sex I was having. I wanted to wave the voice away but that doubt was always there. I stopped having sex because that voice was something I couldn't drown out anymore. It was starting to wet my curiosity as to how much better rutting like an animal could be.
I ground my teeth together and shoved the thoughts away. There would be no speculation as to what breeding like a human would be like. I was fine with the Orrian women. They satisfied me.
Do they really?
The voice slithered into my mind and I clicked my teeth together against the possibilities it showed me. A touch that set fire to my blood and soft sounds that begged me to take what was mine. I clicked my teeth together in agitation once more and received a hard slap to the back of my head that jolted me forward.
"Pay attention and stop making that irritating sound! Hold it together, Keen, or you will ruin this family's chance at furthering ourselves!" His words were hissed and I gave a short nod, ignoring the faint throbbing from the back of my head.
"Yes, sir." I forced my teeth together tightly so I wouldn't click them before I pulled my hands behind my back and grabbed my left wrist tightly. I hoped the painful tightness of the grip would drown out that stupid little voice. I didn't need doubts. I needed General Hamesk to agree to my father's contract so I could bond to his daughter. It was all I needed in life. It was my duty.
It is really?
The little voice was almost laughing at me. It reminded me of the Soul Maker's cackle, dry and brittle but full of amusement at my words and thoughts. It was mocking me.
My jaw hurt as I held it closed tighter and I resisted the urge to shake my head to get rid of it. Just a few more hours and then I hoped that the mocking little voice would disappear entirely.
"As you are acting like an imbecile, I will be the one speaking to the General. You are going to make yourself scarce and not fuck anything up." My father's hand gripped the back of my neck tightly as the shuttle came to a stop. His grip tightened sharply. "Am I understood?" His voice was low and deadly and I gave a short nod. He shoved my head down, squeezing the back of my neck tighter. "I did not quite hear you." He spat it out and I swallowed against the anger and the urge to retaliate.
"Yes, sir." I hid a wince as he let me go abruptly. I struggled to shove away the faint curlings of hate I had for the man whose DNA I shared. I repeated my mantra again and again until the bitter heat was buried deep down where I couldn't feel it anymore.
I must do my duty and carry on the family name.
That was all I was created for. Nothing more than that. Nothing less.
The door to the shuttle opened and I let my father exit first, as was proper, before I followed behind him. Always following in the footsteps of the generation before me. Uneven footsteps on a dark path. I clicked my teeth together in agitation and my father's shoulders tensed as he sent me a dark look back at me.
"Apologies, sir." I bowed my head slightly to appease him but he simply grabbed my arm and shoved me towards a nearby door.
"Get out to the air strip and do not speak to anyone until you can learn to control yourself. I will not allow you to make a mockery of our family name." The hissed words grated on my skin but I nodded anyway. Do my duty. I let the words bounce around in my head again and again.
"Yes, sir." The urge to spit them out was great but I fought it back. There would be no disrespect towards the family name and I would act like a LehnSon. I pushed the door open to the airfield tarmac.
A cool breeze blew against my neck as the warm sun beat down on me. Sunshine was always something I enjoyed. I had never lived outside of a ship before so sunshine and sweet breezes that carried the scent of life were something that was highly enjoyable for me. Even if they came from a planet overrun with humans and half-breeds.
I swallowed hard and chanted my mantra as that voice wiggled in the back of my mind. There was nothing for it to say. Nothing that it could do. I marched across the tarmac toward a tree that was close to the back fence. That was far enough away from everyone that I could compose myself.
Compose yourself... Or hide yourself, Keen? Which is the truth?
"Shut up." I spat the words out and the little voice cackled at me. The sound grating down my spine. I tensed against it, hurrying my steps towards the tree. A childhood habit of picking a spot and telling myself that if I reached it I would be safe. I always picked a spot furthest from my parents because even at that age I had known that there was no safety with them.
I brushed the thoughts away and clicked my teeth together in agitation. I needed to live by the mantra. Do my duty and carry on the family name. There was nothing more for me. My path had been set out.
Such a dark and lonely path. Do you really want to go down it?
I clicked my teeth together again. I would go down it because it was my duty. What did doubts and possibilities know about duty? Nothing. They knew nothing and it would be best if they simply stopped speaking.
It howled at me in amusement as if I had said something amusing. As if I had told it a joke that it could not help but laugh hysterically at.
I let a curse out and shook my head. It needed to go away. I reached out and touched the tree and my mind went blank. I let my shoulders droop with relief. I just needed quiet silence to simply think. To gather my composure and become ready to do my duty to the family. I took a step further into the shade, making note of the deep ditch that was behind me. It ran along the edge of the fence as if to deter trespassers.
I pulled myself away from looking at it to look out over the air strip. I watched shuttles land and leave and some military drop off ships make practice runs. When I looked up I could see fight ships running a practice formation above the military base. I almost missed the front lines. When I had been there the voice had been silent and I felt as if I were doing something important, something of value for this world.