"We're going to Anthro now, Lillian," Daria informed her roommate, standing over her bunk. Leslie came up to join Daria, touching her on the shoulder. "Let's just go. Lillian will figure it out. She doesn't have class for a while anyway."
Lillian rolled over. "Mgst. Mssfo!" she insisted, still half-asleep.
Daria shook her head and walked out the door after Leslie, muttering something about night owls and procrastination. "Lmsoo?" Lillian mumbled into her pillow, rolling out of bed and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
"Oh. You've already left," she realized under her breath. "Well, there you go."
An hour later, Lillian was taking a short break from her quantum homework when she noticed a small sticky note on her desk. Written on the note was a short URL and Leslie's signature. Lillian smiled- as she typed the URL into her search bar- Leslie liked to share funny articles with her and Daria. A news article popped up, and Lillian laughed out loud as she read the title.
10 Most Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories about the Thaumatogenesis
Smiling, she scrolled down.
Government Fraud Theory
This fairly familiar theory states that the Thaumatogenesis did not happen at all, thaumaturgy is not real, and all films that depict such are altered to support this government ruse. Like those who deny the Apollo moon landings or similar events, these people refuse to believe the evidence.
Triple Deity Theory
The famous footage of the Thaumatogenesis shows two people who are present before the explosion and yet are still present after the explosion has taken place. According to this theory, these two people are deities who took pity on the human race and decided to provide us with thaumaturgical powers while ridding the world of the people who perished in the explosion (bad deities). This also states that the baby found at the scene is the child of a mental union between these two surviving deities, both of whom later disappeared in the footage.
Physical Manipulation Theory
This theory states that physicists in classified labs at the location of the Thaumatogenesis were experimenting with dangerous materials when they caused a gamma ray burst that ended up finding the "on" switch for everyone's thaumaturgy genes. These physicists were the people who died in the explosion.
Alien Theory #1
Our thaumaturgy genes come from an alien species that interbred with humans hundreds of thousands of years ago. This alien species was having some kind of war which ended up spreading to Earth and culminating in the gamma ray burst which activated those genes.
Release Theory
Some spiritual force was released into the world via the gamma ray burst that was the Thaumatogenesis. This, and not the burst itself, was the cause of the worldwide gene activation.
Time Travel Theory
This theory states that the burst was caused by an issue with a time machine people were experimenting with, and that the gene activation was caused by the release of a futuristic technology.
AI Theory
One of the more far-fetched theories, this states that the cause of the Thaumatogenesis was the release of a genetically engineered virus designed by an artificial intelligence that had reached consciousness. Said AI and its first subjects were destroyed in the explosion (for which there is no explanation).
Alien Theory #2
A large network of advanced alien species was responsible for the burst and its consequences. They also secretly genetically engineered humans by manipulating the flu vaccines. Don't ask.
Generalization Theory
According to this theory, two thaumaturges, the survivors seen in the footage, actually existed before the Thaumatogenesis and caused the burst and subsequent gene activation. How these two people came to be thaumaturges is not explained.
Teleportation Theory
The gamma ray burst at the site of the Thaumatogenesis was caused by an object being teleported from another universe (we know, right) when something went wrong with the teleportation and the object created the ten people found at the site of the Thaumatogenesis and promptly blew up, killing eight of them. The other two people vanished minutes later because they were not intended to be permanent.
By this point, Lillian was leaning back in her chair and shaking her head slowly as she continued to laugh. Everyone knew the story of the Thaumatogenesis, but no one knew exactly what had caused it, and the conspiracy theories Lillian had just read were lurking all over the internet. She laughed again just as she was interrupted by a knock at the door.
Lillian stumbled slowly over to the rattling door to attend to whatever salesman or jewel thief was visiting a college dorm room at 8:30 in the morning. "What is it?" she asked irritably as she opened the door.
The person in the doorway might have been a junior or a senior, but Lillian was more focused on his appearance, nearly as unique as Leslie's but somehow less disconcerting. He was relatively short, about her height, but considering that Lillian was on the taller side, possibly not as short as he could have been. One of the first things Lillian noticed was his skin, deathly pale but tinged slightly pink, as if he had caught an illness and was trying to cure it by running laps. He was wearing not only a hoodie, which Lillian understood was a necessary precaution given the Dorena winters, but also a university logo patterned beanie that may have been a bit too large for him; nonetheless, a few tufts of jet-black hair had managed to escape from the confines of the hat. His eyes were an amethyst-like color that Lillian could tell was not a product of colored contact lenses but may have been an illusion which he himself or someone else had put up for him. Lillian resisted the urge to ask him what major he was or why he wasn't just wearing the hood of the hoodie over his head instead of the hat and repeated her first question.
"Yes, what is it?"
"Umm..." he trailed off, nervous. Then he spoke very quickly and very anxiously. "The universe sent me to find you."
Lillian cocked an eyebrow. "I don't want to buy any vacuum cleaners. And if Amandi paid you to do this, just tell her she's trying too hard." She slammed the door hard enough to send a small magnet flying into the stranger's face; he leaped back at enough of a speed that he nearly fell backward, and, nervously adjusting his hat, fled down the hall. Lillian shook her head and kicked at a small key on the floor that the stranger had dropped in his hurry. Picking up the key, she placed it carefully in the back of her drawer, just in case he came back for it. She sat down, closed her computer, and returned to her physics homework.
☙❧
Nice job. She'll totally listen to you now, chided the voice in Dakota's head. Was that what you were planning on saying to her?
"It just came out," Dakota muttered to himself, lost in regret. "It wasn't like I intended to say that. I just thought it would be a good-"
Pickup line, the voice interrupted him. That's what it sounded like, and that's what it might have seemed like to her.
"No! Not a pickup line, a good place to start, that's what I was going to say."
You get an A+ on what you said.
Dakota didn't respond.
It was curved by 100 percentage points.
Dakota continued to ignore the voice and rose, pacing around his office. "My only option is to wait until the appointment and see if she listens to me then," he realized. "When did she schedule it again? Oh, yeah, February 11, that's right."
Can you wait that long?
"Only a month. You know how long I've waited already."
True.
"You know what, why don't you just be quiet for a little bit?"
Sure, fine. Try and figure it out on your own.
"Figure what out?" Dakota mumbled. "What??"
☙❧
"So this is it? The real thing?" Galena's mother didn't sound very impressed as she stood before the obelisk.
Galena sighed. "Yes, Mom, the real thing. Haven't you seen it before?"
"Last time I came here you didn't bring me to the park." Her mother's bright green eyes narrowed accusingly. "We skipped over it. I'm glad you brought me this time."
The main square of Jeremiah Raleigh Memorial Park was swarming with tourists, Galena's mother included, who were staring half in wonder, half in disappointment at the obelisk. Galena rolled her eyes. Did they expect it to be covered in pure silver and still shooting out gamma rays? She stared at the plaque along with her mother.
"What do you think it means?" Galena asked.
"Let's see," her mother responded. "Bring clipboards, put them in the center of the circle, then put a... a spike on top of a rod, turn clipboard sideways, put on a pedestal with pyramid. Wear coat, run towards pedestal, take the, um, wire off of one side of a resistor."
"That's what they look like. What do you actually think it means?"
"What do you think it means?" her mother retorted.
"Something more important than putting a spike on top of a rod. Here, let's walk along the edge of the university and I'll show you where all my classes were."
Her mother nodded, compliant, and the two of them set out along the path that led along the edge of campus. As they walked, Galena pointed to the blue-and-gold thaumaturgy building, explaining some of her more advanced classes and the concepts that they were based on. Just as she was beginning to talk about her higher-level barriers class, her mother stopped and pointed to another building.
"Hey, look at that! Now Hiring!" she exclaimed, turning to her daughter. "What's in there?"
"That?" Galena turned to look at the two-story building her mother had pointed to. "Department for the Investigation of Anomalous Occurrences. I have been eyeing that but I'm not sure I'm qualified enough to get hired."
"You have a thaumaturgy degree, that's probably good enough. What do they do?"
"What's the most anomalous occurrence ever?"
"Thaumatogenesis," her mother answered instantly. "Isn't that what you were talking about yesterday?"
"Yeah, but like I said, I'm not sure I'm good enough."
"How long has that sign been there?"
"It shows up every week or so and then gets taken down again."
"So they're probably desperate for someone."
"Why?"
"People must keep quitting," her mother explained. "Come on, we're going home to get your CV."
"Now?"
"Now. If that Now Hiring sign is going up and down that fast, they're probably looking to hire someone really badly."
Galena sighed as they began the walk back to the car. "Fine. I suppose it would be an interesting job."
☙❧
"So you worked in the park before this?" asked the woman sitting behind the desk. Rolf nodded nervously. "You're looking to get a job with the DIAO now?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"You don't need to call me ma'am," the woman objected kindly. "If you're hired, you'll be Director. You'll be my superior. I'm the administrative assistant."
"Thank you-" Rolf stopped himself from saying "ma'am" again.
"Why do you think you would qualify for DIAO investigative work?" she asked expectantly.
"Because-" Rolf stuttered. "Because I have a thaumaturgy degree and because I came out top of my class in the Thaumatogenesis Perspectives workshop, and because I've worked extremely close to the site of the Thaumatogenesis for the past four years."
"Good, very good," she said quietly, flipping over a few pages in Rolf's curriculum vitae. "One problem that we have faced here at the DIAO is retaining our Director and Assistant Director. A lot of people in these positions quit, mainly due to frustration. What experience in patience do you think would qualify you for this job?"
Rolf fidgeted nervously in his seat. "I've been working with the tourists in the park for four years."
The woman nodded, understanding. "I thought you said you were fired?"
"Yes, that's right. I was fired because a vandal put a nonsensical sign on the property and did some thaumaturgy to make sure it couldn't be taken out."
"I see," she nodded again. Flipping a few more pages, she handed his curriculum vitae back to him. "Well, it was very nice meeting you, Mr. Howell, or should I say, Director Howell."
Rolf smiled- for a second, he had been afraid that she would dismiss him. He followed her lead and stood up, walking around the table. She extended her hand. "Diane, Diane Brill."
"Please, call me Rolf."
Diane nodded. "Well, Direct- well, Rolf, we have a pleasant surprise for you. It turns out that about twenty minutes ago we hired an Assistant Director. The two of you are going to go watch a mandatory introduction video about the Thaumatogenesis." She began walking out the door of the small office, and Rolf followed. "Then you'll be able to see your offices. You can start any time this week. Please note that since this is a government agency, you'll have all of the benefits given to government employees. That means ample vacation time. However, I'd also like to note that the longest any Director has stayed in office is-" she turned toward him anxiously- "about twenty days. It leads to a lot of impatience."
She ushered him into a slightly larger office with a projector pointed towards the wall. Two unwieldy office chairs dominated the room; the one farther from the door was taken. Rolf walked up and sat down in the other chair, turning his head to glance at the Assistant Director. Sitting in the other chair was a tall, friendly-seeming Asian American woman with long dark hair and warm gray eyes. She turned toward him and extended her left hand. "Assistant Director Tarmont. Galena is fine."
Rolf, flustered, thought a minute before awkwardly extending his own left hand. "Director Howell. Call me Rolf." They shook hands as Diane began playing the video.
An animation of Jeremiah Raleigh Memorial Park appeared on screen and the virtual camera swooped down over the park, playing time backwards until the park transformed back into woods. "In April of 2003, a gamma ray burst and small explosion occurs in the wooded area around the small Oregon farm town of Dorena," the narrator began. "The burst sends the Eugene police department to the scene, where they find an obelisk in the middle of the woods, an area of destroyed vegetation, a baby sleeping in a small basket, and security-camera footage of some people involved in an explosion and disappearing and more people leaving the site of the obelisk. The baby seems to appear out of nowhere, according to the footage.
"One of the officers, when interviewed, recalls that he had opened some kind of mental door and had somehow moved all of the vegetation out of the area just by thinking about it. The officer's name is Jeremiah Raleigh, and he becomes a crucial activist in the promotion of thaumaturgy education once it is subsequently discovered that thaumaturgy is in fact possible. Tourists pour into Dorena and the woods as the town slowly and steadily grows. After only three years, construction of a university focused on thaumaturgy begins, the University of Oregon at Dorena." The animation began to play time forward.
"A park comes to flourish around the obelisk as the city grows past its old borders and into what was once woods. At the unexpected death of Jeremiah Raleigh in a car accident, the park is named after him and quickly becomes home to a wide variety of tourist attractions. The park grows up to the edge of the university as more and more dorms are built to house the influx of students. In addition, the previously small government organization, the Department for the Investigation of Anomalous Occurrences, DIAO, moves its headquarters to Dorena in order to better investigate the most anomalous occurrence ever documented. All of this is part of the public account." The video stopped as Diane walked back into the room.
"As the future Director and Assistant Director of this agency, you will have access to much more than just what the public knows. You will have access to the original security camera footage, to information about the baby, and to other important resources. But since there are very few leads in this investigation, it will require great resilience and efficiency if you intend to proceed." Diane smiled. "Sorry for the specificity, but an earlier director made me memorize it before she left, I don't know why, but it fits pretty well, no? Here are your IDs," she explained. "I just had them printed off." She handed Rolf and Galena their ID cards; Rolf examined his. On the front was his full name, his new job title, and a picture. "They give you access to all of the offices and the lab. Please don't lose them."
Galena nodded, and Rolf stood up. "We get to see our new offices, then?"
"Yes," Diane confirmed. "When do you intend to start working?"
At the same time, Rolf and Galena made their decision.
"Today is good."