exculpate
/ˈɛkskʌlpeɪt/
verb: exculpate; 3rd person present: exculpates; past tense: exculpated; past participle: exculpated; gerund or present participle: exculpating
show or declare that (someone) is not guilty of wrongdoing.
Glendale, AZ
Sunday May 14th
Soraya Legacy Valentine | Binkie
Soraya got her her and nails done yesterday, she made two emergency bookings a day before she wanted her appointment which is something she's never done before.
The woman didn't mind though they just said it would cost extra and Soraya had no problem paying that, if she wanted to become 'happy' she had to look the part.
It is said you feel what you face.
"Hello Valentine." Soraya laid down on the settee, making herself 'at home' looking up at the ceiling, Dr. Harris examined her posture.
"How are we today?" Truthfully Soraya felt as if she were a rock covered by soil.
she couldn't remove herself and wanted someone else to do so however underneath that soil was also bombs.
So everybody refrained from removing the rock from the soil.
"I'm doing okay."
"How do you feel? How has the week been? Anything you'd like to discuss, I have a lot of stuff for us to do this session."
"Trenton showed up," Dr. Harris held back a question allowing her to continue, "late at night. I drank wine for the first time."
"Whilst he was there or after?"
"Whilst, I poured myself a glass straight after I put Jalen to bed for a second time."
"Why'd he wake up?"
Soraya bit her lip ashamed of the truth, "I was too loud, I woke him up." Dr. Harris could see her embarrassment.
"Moving on, did you know his mother drank around 87% of the time? And Jalen would always watch her? And the 13% of the time she was sober didn't matter because she was always violent and abusive to her son." Soraya felt even more ashamed of herself - she hadn't drunk or even looked at the wine since Monday - "How do you think Jalen would feel if he found out you were drinking?"
"I-I." Soraya stuttered then paused to recollect her thoughts, "he'd be scared, cautious. He wouldn't want to live with me because he'd be so afraid I'd turn out just like his mother." Soraya felt like the worst person alive, "I won't drink again."
"What made you want to drink in the first place?"
"I wanted to relax."
"Alcohol isn't the way to go, it isn't too good of a depressant - if you wanted something to help you relax you should take the pills I prescribe to you."
"I have," Soraya felt annoyed, "I do. I've taken the alprazolam and chlordiazepoxide."
"That's good, well done. We're getting somewhere." Praises from Dr. Harris made the young woman feel uncomfortable.
They didn't have the same affect as when she'd praise herself.
"What did you and Trenton talk about? Did you forgive him?" Soraya guiltily shook her head no.
"I couldn't. I knew I couldn't but I tried convince myself I could. Every time I try to move forward I just look at him and remember everything he's done to me. How am I expected to move on after everything he's done to me?"
"You aren't expected to, Valentine. People just want you to for you."
"Nobody but you wants me to and nowadays it's as if you're just expecting me to. Like one day i'll wake up and everything will be all daisies, sunshine and fairies. I can't ever forgive or forget. I won't forgive or forget I refuse to."
"You'd rather live your life carrying all this hatred? Soraya that is pitiful."
Soraya felt her anger boiling over, "I won't forgive him for anything he's done to me because he doesn't deserve it."
"That's like asking a victim of domestic abuse to just forgive them or to just forgive the bystanders who did nothing to help them." She continued.
"It is not the same thing." Dr. Harris refused.
"It so fucking is!" Soraya sat up, "I won't forgive them, ever. I may not hate them anymore, I may not care anymore but I won't forgive them. They don't deserve such pleasures, they don't deserve my forgiveness or even me. T-they don't deserve that, so I won't give them that." Towards the end of her rant her voice got quieter and quieter.
"You'd rather continue to blame Trenton for something he couldn't control?"
"He's a fucking human not a pet, not a slave, not a dog. When witnessing abuse there's a fucking point in between all of it that you realise it's wrong. He knew it was wrong. Yet he never told her to stop, he never told her to back off, he never told her she'd gone too far, he'd never told her i'd done nothing wrong."
"Is that what you wanted? To be told you weren't in the wrong?"
"I didn't need the satisfaction of validation.
No because I knew I wasn't in the wrong. I was never in the wrong. I know I didn't deserve it. I was good, okay, I was a good kid. I did not deserve the abuse. I did not deserve the mistreatment. I didn't deserve any of it."
"You are correct."
"And I don't need you to tell me that either 'you are correct' as if I need your confirmation of my answer. I know I'm correct, nobody deserves abuse. Ever. No matter what. Especially four year old little girls and six year old little boys."
"I am agreeing with you, Soraya, I am not undermining your ability to justify yourself or know what you're talking about."
"Then don't make it seem like you are, I know I'm correct anyways. Don't agree with me, you haven't ever before. You've always tried to challenge me."
"Challenge? I wouldn't say challenge, that's like saying I counterattacked you. Which I don't believe I've ever done. Sometimes adding fuel to the fire is helpful, you let a lot of stuff out just then. Which is good."
Soraya huffed realising she'd just been 'played' in a way.
"I don't need your help." She repeated.
"That's lovely if only I cared." Dr. Harris gave her a cunning smile as Soraya rolled her eyes used to his ways, "I don't talk to you because you think you don't need my help."
"If you think i need help you're wrong and if i ever did need help I sure as hell wouldn't ever come to you."
"My feelings, Valentine." Dr. Harris put his hand over his heart as if he'd been hurt only then smiled once regaining professionalism.
"Tell me more about Trenton you seem to be holding more back. Hit me."
"Can I really?" Soraya would jump at the chance.
"It was a metaphorical phrase," Dr. Harris gave her a stern look, "but you knew that anyways." An eye roll, "Trenton? What's going on with him?"
Soraya shrugged, "I don't know too much and I don't care too much either."
"What about Cheyenne, have you spoken to her? Are you planning on speaking to her?"
"I haven't and will not."
"Don't wait to send the first message."
"She seems to be doing fine without me." Oh how wrong she was.
"Really? I disagree. Wanna know what I think? I think she's crumbling, I think she's losing it. I think she needs you just as much as you need her. But both of you are too stubborn to see the truth. I think you should make the first move. I think you need to communicate like the grown women you both are."
"I don't think so."
"Mm why not?"
"There's nothing to communicate about."
"I think that's a lie, you aren't talking because?" Dr. Harris held his hand up upon noticing Soraya's mouth opening, "because she said something about your nails. You're going to let a friendship die because of some fingernails. Soraya I've worked with probably a hundred and one patients and I've never heard of anything as foolish."
"That's great, would've been even better if I actually cared." Dr. Harris let out a small sigh.
"Why won't you message her?" He decided to ask.
"I don't need to."
"But you want to. We don't need to breathe honestly but we do it because we want to."
"That was a stupid analogy." Soraya said chuckling at the therapists idiocy.
"I don't think it is, we breathe because it's the normal thing to do. We breathe because we see others doing it, call it a trend possibly."
"Breathing isn't a trend, it's how we live. We wouldn't live without breathing. You would die within eight minutes of not breathing."
"eight or ten minutes actually. But that doesn't change the fact that we do it because we want to." Dr. Harris corrected.
"You breathe without knowing it. You can breathe whilst you're unconscious so it's not a want."
"It's not a need either," Soraya rolled her eyes, "moving on: you should still make the first message, forget your needs, forget your wants just check up on her. You hope to move on but then you hold all these grudges, you don't have to forgive, you don't have to forget, but just let go. Not for the kids in that daycare, not for Trenton, not for your mom, not for Cheyenne, not for me, for yourself. You should let go for your own self content."
"I am content." Soraya pouted.
"Are you? Are you really content with carrying all of this detestation?" Soraya shrugged, "I'd like verbal answers please, Soraya. Are you okay with carrying all of this detestation?" The therapist repeated, "it really wasn't a rhetorical question." He added once the woman didn't reply.
"I'm fine, just like Trenton's probably fine and Cheyenne probably is too."
"Stop assuming people's emotions Soraya, Trenton could and probably is beating himself up about this right now. Cheyenne may be just as down as you."
"I'm not down, I'm fine."
"Everybody says that Soraya, reality is they're never really fine."
"I'm not everybody."
"You sure? Because sometimes you act a lot like you're surroundings, Soraya."
"I'm so sure, I'm not everybody. Nobody's everybody, everybody's themselves."
"You say you're fine but I don't at all believe you. What made you start taking your pills?"
"Is that not what you fucking wanted me to do!"
"I don't permit that type of vulgar language inside this office."
"Oh well."
"Soraya." Dr. Harris cocked up an eyebrow, Soraya sighed dropping her shoulders, "you're very tense."
"Oh really?"
"What made you take your pills?" Soraya shrugged, "verbal answers, c'mon Soraya. Verbal answers."
"I don't know honestly, I just did. Thought they'd help. Didn't do much because I felt no better but oh well."
"If you took them regularly you'd see a difference in your behaviour." Soraya shrugged staring off into the distance.
"Is everything alright, Soraya? What aren't you telling me?"
"This has been a very lengthy session, are we not done yet?" Dr. Harris sighed looking up at the clock above a small window in his office.
"Yes, you are correct. I'll see you next weekend, Miss Valentine." Soraya gave him a curt nod before collecting her things and leaving out the office room.