Aspen
The light buzzing of my phone startled me awake yet again. I'd lost count of how many times this had happened, but I hadn't bothered to pick it up or see who it was.
I wasn't really in a position to care at the moment.
I didn't think I'd left my bed in a couple of days. It might have been Sunday, but that could be off. I hadn't showered, eaten, drunk, or simply gotten out of bed. It was warm under my thick, heavy blankets. They felt like a shield, and as long as I was covered, nothing could hurt me.
Except, deep down, I knew that wasn't true. My brother could come in at any moment and decide he wanted to have some more fun. With my parents gone, he had free range to do whatever he wanted. When they traveled, I usually stayed out... But this time I didn't feel like getting up. I couldn't. My curtains had remained closed and I'd spent my time in the dark, sleeping and trying to forget about everything that hurt.
My weekend was full of nothing but pain. Physical, mental, the whole shebang. My brother didn't come home and I'd never been so thankful in my life.
I'd gotten lucky—there were no bruises on my face from when he punched me, although the same could not be said for the rest of my body. At least those parts could be hidden by clothes.
My boisterous alarm rang out, adding to my already-intense headache and cluing me in that it was, in fact, Monday morning, which meant another day of being around people that would hate me if they knew I was gay, and another baseball practice that would push me to my limits on the pain spectrum. Despite knowing the weather was going to be over eighty degrees today, I wore a navy-blue, nearly-black long-sleeve with a square-graphic image in the center. I paired it with regular denim jeans. My outfit was practical and, above all, comfortable. Minus the fact that it made me ten times more likely to come down with heatstroke.
I grabbed my unbearable amount of gear and headed through the front door to be met with Rafe's car parked outside. I threw my stuff into the backseat and climbed into the passenger seat.
I wanted to avoid the topic of why I'd been MIA all weekend, so I started the conversation first. "Did you have fun with Amelia?" I asked, fully aware that the two had gone on an obnoxiously sweet date whilst I'd hidden from my brother and struggled not to kill myself.
"Holy shit, dude, Saturday was great. We went to the beach, and damn, her body is gorgeous. There aren't a lot of girls with asses like hers. And after that, we went to a drive-in movie and cuddled in the backseat wrapped in blankets. I even gave her my sweatshirt. She looked so adorable swimming in it!" Rafe rambled on and on about the pale girl with waist-length brown hair and greenish-hazel eyes, who he'd been dating for about two weeks now.
I couldn't think of an emotion to describe how I was feeling. It was like a painful tingle radiating through my body and settling into the pit of my stomach. Rafe's definition of a perfect date... all the things I'd never be able to do. The beach? I'd rather be caught dead than have to take my shirt off in front of him, so that was a hard no. I could go to a drive-in movie, but we wouldn't be able to cuddle, not in this town. And his sweatshirts were the same size as mine, so there'd be no point.
"I'm taking her out to dinner this weekend and she said her parents are going to be out of town." Although the sly smile on his face stung a bit, I was unfazed. This wasn't the first time he'd had a girlfriend and I could guarantee it wouldn't be the last. Rafe hadn't been through a lot of girls or anything, he just seemed to have some issues with commitment.
"Looks like someone's gonna get lucky!" I tried to offer some form of enthusiasm. My best friend liked to share details I'd have been better off not knowing, but at least he seemed happy.
"So," Rafe started as he pulled into a random spot in the parking lot, "when are you going to get a girlfriend? I could name three people right now that are super into you."
"I'm not really interested in dating right now." False. I'm not interested in dating girls. "I'm just kind of focusing on baseball."
He snickered, "I call bull. You already accepted your offer from the University of Rowland. You're going to one of the highest-ranked schools for baseball in the nation with a major scholarship grant. High school baseball doesn't matter for us anymore. In less than four months, we'll both be playing for colleges. It's a done deal."
"No, I know."
Baseball was a great distraction. It gave me something to focus on rather than thinking about how much I loathed myself. Not only was it a game of tactics and strategy, but also strength and physical skill. As a catcher, I got to play my own game by putting chess pieces exactly where I wanted them. I used to find that exhilarating.
"I wish we were going to the same school, though. It sucks that we won't get to play together," Rafe sighed.
Even if he said that, when the time came, I didn't think he'd give me a second thought. Rafe would finally be able to move on with his life without worrying about a background extra.
I hopped out of the car and we went straight to the locker rooms where we stored all of our gear before meeting up with our friend group in front of a specific cluster of lockers. Jason Wright and Isabella Singh were in the middle of an intense argument. I couldn't tell if they hated each other and wanted to commit murder or were secretly in love and the sexual tension was killing them. Next to the pair were Devin and our other friend, Jamey Hinge. We'd all played baseball together at Cedar Heights since we were freshmen, except for Isa, who swam competitively.
"Aye, Alvarez, Ace, what's up?" Jamey removed himself from the wall he'd been leaning against, giving us each a nod of his head.
"Did you guys hear about that freshman that just transferred here?" Isa shoved her hand in Jason's face, pushing him away as she turned to ask us the question.
"Nah. Why?" Rafe asked.
"I heard he's an ice skater!" she laughed.
"Ice skating? That's kind of cool though, isn't it?" I asked.
"Yeah," Isa rolled her eyes. "But he does figure skating! You know, the one where people wear those super tight outfits with sparkles and sequins."
"And it's a guy doing that?" Jason scrunched his nose in disgust.
"That's so fucking gay." Devin made a gagging motion, which brought small laughs from the group. I had no choice but to do the same.
What was wrong with a guy doing figure skating? A sport didn't define someone's sexuality. And plenty of other sports had guys wearing tight uniforms; wrestling made guys look like they were dry humping each other.
"Should we go knock some sense into him?" Jason suggested.
The group seemed to be seriously considering it.
"Wait, guys. Hold on a second. You can't just beat someone up, and you don't even know if he's gay, so just chill out a bit." I wasn't sure if Rafe's comment was comforting or scary.
"Aspen!" A high-pitched shriek interrupted their conversation. Amelia jumped on my back, which had my eyes bulging out of my head and my body screaming in pain. I grabbed the five-eight girl's long legs so she wouldn't fall as she took hold of my cheek in her fingers and pinched.
I faked my smile, making sure my dimples showed while crinkling my eyes as I let out small laughs to hide my discomfort.
"How's my twin doing today?" she giggled as I stood up straighter, getting her to slide off gently.
Amelia liked to joke around that we were related because we had some similar features. We both had baby faces, for example, and our eyes were both unusually large and round.
I glanced at Rafe to see how he reacted. Even though I was aware Amelia wasn't into me like that, sometimes the way she acted seemed like flirting, and the last thing I needed was Rafe thinking I was trying to steal his girlfriend. If anything, it'd be the other way around—I'd much rather steal him from Amelia.
Unlike us, Rafe's eyes were somewhat narrow and had a slight almond shape stacked with thick black lashes, making it seem as if he was wearing eyeliner. The brown of his eyes was a distinct color, not light and not dark, but a perfect in-between. His nose was prominent, the bridge inhumanly straight, the tip a soft L shape that made his features more delicate.
"Why don't you two just date already," Isa snickered.
I shot her a glare. "Don't say that. You know Amelia and Rafe are together."
"That's right." Amelia slung a stretched-out arm around my shoulder, doing the same to Rafe and forcing us to bend down so she could reach us. "Don't tease my boys." She let go of me and Rafe wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her body closer to his.
The first-period bell rang, forcing the couple to separate. We all waved our goodbyes and headed off to our classes. I walked into my physiology class with Isabella in tow, taking our seats at a shared desk.
We made small talk while waiting for our teacher to show up when one of Isa's friends from the swim team joined us. "Isa, either put those heart-eyes away or ask him out already." The blonde shot us a playful smirk.
"Shut up, Megan. Stop trying to project your fantasies onto me." Isabella's voice was high-pitched as she made fun of her friend.
I sat there awkwardly, throwing out small laughs here and there.
"Oh, come on, don't lie! I know you fell for Aspen's smile ages ago!" The blonde was loud and drew attention from some others in the class.
"Well," Isa tilted her head to the side, "his dimples are to die for... but my parents would stop feeding me if I brought home a white boy," she clicked her tongue. "They want a nice Indian man that'll blend right in."
"I thought you and Jason were dating," I teased, trying to get under her skin.
"Jason? He's black, not Indian, dumbass."
"I know that. But if your parents do stop feeding you, Jason's parents will take care of that. If anything, that's even better for you."
"Ugh," she moaned. "The thought of Mr. and Mrs. Wright's cooking makes me drool. Unfortunately, Jason's too much of an ass. His ego makes me want to barf."
"I definitely understand that," I said as I watched other students pull out their notebooks. I had no reason to do that, though. As a second-semester senior going to college on a sports scholarship, anything better than failing was an A in my book.
"Where does he even find that confidence?" The sheer thought of Jason irritated her.
I grinned. "All the guys on the baseball team are like that."
"Stop smiling!" Isa's friend whispered. "Unless you want to be hit on by every single girl in this class," she winked at me.
Isabella ignored her. "You aren't though."
I plastered a cocky smile on my face, getting ready to retort, when a voice snapped, "Mr. Ace. Ms. Singh," our heads whipped up to the teacher, "If you two don't want detention, I suggest you stop talking while I'm trying to lecture."
Isabella raised her arms in defense as we quieted down, putting an end to our discussion.
The day passed by slowly. The heat had been getting to me since my second class and I could feel sweat dripping down my back. I walked with Devin and Rafe to the locker rooms to get ready for practice, slipping into the bathroom unnoticed. I tucked my white compression long-sleeve into my grey belt and white baseball pants that completely covered my grey socks. I wore the same black cleats I always did and matched it with a grey cap. Even if I was wearing a lot of layers, I'd do whatever I could to make it easier to deal with the weather.
Gradually, everyone made their way onto the field and started warming up while waiting for the coaches to show. Rafe and I lightly tossed the ball around on the grass in right field. Before I had time to put on my catcher's gear to help Rafe get his shoulder going for pitching, Coach Gale called us over to sit in a circle to the side of our dugout.
I was overly conscious of Rafe's knee resting atop my outstretched leg while he sat with his legs crossed in a pretzel shape. The warm touch made it challenging to focus on Coach's words.
"We have our game against Riverside tomorrow and I'm sure you're all aware, but if we win this last playoff game, we'll be heading to States. I have no doubt you'll pull through, since we did the same last year. Our fielding, our batting, our pitching and catching, and our overall teamwork are better than Riverside's. But that doesn't mean you boys can slack off. A win is never guaranteed, so let's practice hard and earn it!" He knew what we needed to do and there was no room for negotiation.
We worked on refining various plays for the entire practice. It was a harsh workout, but just mellow enough that we wouldn't be exhausted going into the game tomorrow. It was an away game, which meant we'd have to drive to Riverside High School. The school was within our district, but was one of the farthest from us. To make it on time, we'd get to skip our last period.
I wouldn't say that I was excited when I played baseball. I think 'excited' was too strong of a word. Baseball used to be one of the few things that still made me happy, but my emotions weren't exactly what they used to be, and I no longer experienced the same eagerness or enthusiasm when I played. I was fully aware that my interest and love for the sport was slowly fading; baseball had been a part of me for my entire life, and at this point, I only still played because I didn't know what else to do.
It was the last part of my being that had survived life's tribulations, the last semblance of my life before it'd gone to shit, the only string holding me together. I'd watched those strings break, one by one. And this one, too, was thinning. Soon, it'd snap.