Light from Jennie's phone filled the dark room. She looked over at the clock. It was almost midnight. She wasn't asleep; she was about to get up anyway, so she grabbed her phone.
Jisoo: 'Hey, Jennie! Let's do coffee tomorrow?'
Jennie rolled her eyes. It was just two days after seeing her on her date. Jisoo was a fucking piece of work.
Jennie typed out, 'Can't, I'm busy.' and hit Send. Almost immediately, Jisoo's response came.
Jisoo: ':( K, text me when you're free!'
Jennie's thumb hovered over the phone icon, deciding whether or not she should phone her and call her out on her shit, but a voice next to her in bed interrupted her.
"Baby, get off your phone..." the woman said (her name was Chahee, if she remembered correctly. Jennie made note not to actually call her anything, just in case she was wrong). She wrapped her arm around Jennie's waist; Jennie pulled away.
"I gotta go, babe," Jennie mumbled, getting out of bed and throwing on her clothes and strapping on her cast. She heard her voice ask her to wait, stay, that she didn't get her number, but Jennie pretended not to hear her and slammed the front door behind her.
She still felt the woman's touch against her skin; for a moment she let herself pretend they were from Jisoo's hands.
-
Jennie fidgeted on the examination table waiting for the doctor. It had been weeks since she last spoke to her. Jennie's pride didn't allow her to text Jisoo back after that night but she hadn't heard from the doctor either.
Time did absolutely nothing to lessen the embarrassment over having feelings for someone who didn't give two shits about her.
Much to her disappointment, when Jisoo came into the examination room, the butterflies came back.
Jennie was screwed. She was so fucked up. She broke her own damn heart and seeing the doctor's beautiful smile, completely unaware that she hurt her, made her feel even more weak and pathetic.
"Hey Jennie. How's it going? I haven't seen you in awhile."
Jennie could barely meet her eyes. "I've been okay."
Jisoo's eyebrows furrowed. "Are you sure? Is it your leg, are you feeling any pain?"
She has no fucking idea. Jennie snapped. "My leg's alright."
"...Ooookaay," Jisoo drew out. Jennie looked at her, pointedly in the eyes, which seemed to appease the doctor – slightly. "Well, Jennie, let's get on with your appointment. We don't want to keep Chaeyoung waiting."
Jisoo ran through the general checklist; Jennie's responses were short and succinct. The sooner she could get out of here, the sooner she could breathe again.
(She is just one of many. She's nothing. She's just a girl. She's no one.)
Jisoo frowned. "Okay, what's going on Jennie?"
"Nothing. I'm fine," she said through gritted teeth.
"You're not yourself." Jisoo sounded concerned and invested. Jennie seethed. How could she be so thick?!
She glared. "Sweetheart, you don't know me."
Jisoo's shoulders sagged. "Well, I thought we were changing that?" she asked. Her voice was small; it made Jennie feel better.
She hoped Jisoo felt an iota of what she was feeling.
(She's not nothing. You're nothing. You're nothing to her.)
"Well. Let's just keep things professional, right?" Jennie said, her tone biting.
The doctor's eyebrows furrowed. "Oh. Okay..." She sounded disappointed. Jennie actively chose to remain indifferent. It was hard around Jisoo. "Well. We're done here so...you can go back to the waiting room and wait for Chaeyoung."
"Okay," Jennie said. Somehow Jisoo's frown went deeper.
"Jendeuk," Jisoo reached forward and Jennie stiffened at her touch. She pulled back immediately. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Just peachy."
"Are we okay?"
"There isn't a we, Dr. Kim," clenching her jaw to keep her from yelling.
At her title, Jisoo looked stunned. If she was trying to hide it from Jennie, she was doing a terrible job. Jennie was trying to decide between screaming at her or grabbing her and kissing her. But then she remembered she had a girlfriend.
She bit her lip and watched Jisoo's eyes follow the movement.
(She's everything and you're nothing.)
"Well...we should still go for coffee at some point?"
Jisoo looked hopeful and Jennie was this close to caving. But she couldn't. She was just going to keep hurting herself – and this was not her. She didn't ever yearn for anyone and she absolutely didn't ever fall for anyone.
A knock at the door – Jennie's saving grace – interrupted them. She was never happier to see Chaeyoung's smug little face.
Jisoo jumped away – they hadn't even been standing close together at all.
"Uh, hey, sorry for the interruption Dr. Kim – it's just my turn to bug Miss Kim here," they said, completely oblivious.
Jisoo nodded and excused herself out of the rooms without another word to Jennie.
-
Jisoo: 'You free to go for coffee tomorrow?'
Jennie: 'No.'
Jisoo: 'The day after?'
Jennie: 'Busy, too.'
Jisoo: 'Are you avoiding me?'
Jennie: 'No.'
Jisoo: 'Then hang out with me.'
Jennie rolled her eyes and ignored the text. She smiled at the girl at the end of the bar (who had been blatantly staring at her) and asked the bartender to send over a drink. A few moments later, the girl got up for her seat and sauntered towards Jennie. She smirked and put her phone away.
How do you get over someone? Find a distraction.
-
It was early in the morning a week later when Jennie saw her next.
Jennie was making her getaway – leaving a particularly clingy one-night stand – and was disoriented as to where she was. She knew she was near her place, but the hangover was muddling her memory. She looked down the sidewalk, looking for the street sign when she saw her.
Jisoo was jogging towards her.
It was like time slowed down as the doctor got closer, earbuds in, looking focused and disciplined.
Jennie's instinct was to hide.
The smile that graced Jisoo's face when she spotted her told her it was too late to run back inside (which was saying something – she'd rather deal with the anger from her one-night stand than talk to Jisoo).
Jennie wrapped her arms around herself, telling herself that it was to shield herself from the chilly April morning air, but she felt her defenses go up as when the doctor stopped in front of her.
"Fancy seeing you here, Jennie," Jisoo said brightly, regulating her breath. Her running gear was practical for the weather, but it was still tight and left little to the imagination. Jennie willed herself to keep her eyes on her face.
She failed.
(Fuck. Fuck. Why is she so hot? Fuck.)
"I texted you," Jisoo said, crinkling her nose in the cute way that made Jennie's stomach flip.
"I've been busy."
"I gathered that. Although if I could offer some critique, it's hard to read tone through text – maybe throw in a winky face or an exclamation mark, so I know that you're not avoiding me or mad at me or something," Jisoo said, grinning.
Jennie wasn't amused.
She scowled. "Whatever."
The air between the two changed; Jisoo's carefree expression dropped. She frowned.
"Okay, Jennie," Jisoo said, hands on her hips. "I know you think I don't know you, but I've gotten to know you a little in the last couple of months. And despite how 'complicated' and 'complex' you think you are," Jennie rolled her eyes at Jisoo's emphasis, as she did a horrible impression, "you're not. So tell me, what's going on with you? You're not yourself."
She huffed. "Nothing's going on with me."
"Cut the crap. Stop being a jerk and just tell me why you've been so..."
"What?"
"Distant. Like you're mad at me."
Jennie sighed. "It's nothing, doc. I should go – "
"No, not without you talking to me. You should know by now that one of my talents is forcing people to open up. So talk. Why are you mad at me?"
"I'm not."
"You're something at me. And what are you even doing here, your place is like, ten blocks that way," she said, pointing in the opposite direction she came from.
"I was with...a friend." Jennie accompanied the word with a smirk and the lift of her eyebrow; Jisoo stiffened.
Well, it looked like Jisoo caught on quickly about some things. She definitely seemed to understand what kind of friend Jennie was with.
"Oh."
"Look, I've been busy. I have a life. Plenty of things to do. Places to see. Girls to do and see. But I'm sure you can relate to that, right Dr. Kim?"
Jisoo was taken aback. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She decided to lean right into being petty. "I saw you. Out with a 'friend'?"
Jisoo shook her head. "What are you talking about?"
"Last month," she said, a little more forcefully than intended. "The pub on 30th."
"Oh! You should've said hello..." Jisoo was obviously confused.
"Clearly you were on a date, Dr. Kim. I didn't want to disturb you."
"Jennie, you're my friend." Jennie glowered. "It wouldn't have been a disturbance."
Jennie was aggravated. "You seem to have a lot of friends."
"What do you mean?"
Jisoo couldn't look smaller if she tried; it emboldened Jennie.
"Is she a patient too? Is that how you find all of your friends, Dr. Kim?"
Jisoo's eyebrows furrowed. "What are you insinuating, Jennie?"
"Seriously?"
"Look, I met her through some friends. I'm not even really seeing her anymore. I didn't realize that's what has been upsetting you-" Jisoo stopped herself. "Jennie, we're friends. Right? Like, I...I don't need to explain myself to you like this." Jisoo squared her shoulders. "You're not my girlfriend..."
Jennie's temper, which had been simmering the moment she saw her, bubbled over.
"Do you really have that little self-awareness, sweetheart? For a doctor, you're really fucking stupid."
Jisoo blanched. "Excuse me?!" she said exasperatedly. Her eyes flashed; it was all Jennie needed to continue.
"You have no idea, Dr. Kim," Jennie said, biting her words.
"Stop calling me that, Jennie, I'm Jisoo. Don't call me Dr. Kim when it's just you and me. My name is Jisoo!" Her raised voice almost threw Jennie off, but she continued.
"Why is that, Dr. Kim? Does it make you feel less guilty about wanting to fuck your patients?"
"Jennie, what is your problem? Stop talking to me like this!" Jisoo looked about ready to slap her. Both of them were breathing heavily.
Jennie broke first.
"You don't get it! I've been throwing myself at you. I don't know how much clearer I can be about how I feel – how I felt." Jennie's voice wavered and she felt her eyes water (she hated this about herself, when she got really upset, she'd cry). Jisoo's anger quickly changed to sadness, pity, and something else she couldn't place.
She pushed down the embarrassment, the jealousy, and the hurt. She replaced it with as much detachment as she could muster. "Whatever, cupcake. This is stupid. It's...it's nothing."
"Jennie..." Jisoo's voice filled with concern. "Look, I'm...shocked. And confused. And I'm sorry I made you feel like this, whatever I did, I'm sorry."
"'Whatever I did?' Really?"
"Jennie, all I wanted was to be your friend, so if you misinterpreted my intentions, I'm sorry..."
Jennie's eyes narrowed. "You wanted to be my friend, cupcake?"
"Jennie..."
Jennie pinched the bridge of her nose. "Who are you trying to convince? I'm not an idiot; I see how you look at me. I know there's something between us. There has to be something between us, otherwise I'm the biggest idiot in the world. So don't pretend that this is all one-sided."
Jisoo frowned and looked away. She looked like she was about to cry.
"Jennie...I'm your doctor. We...I...can't..."
Jennie took a deep breath. "I'm going to go."
Jisoo nodded. Her bottom lip quivered, eyes looking everywhere but at Jennie.
Jennie wanted nothing more than to hug the woman but she couldn't take the chance she'd be rejected. Again.
She turned around and walked towards her house. Every step she took was harder than the last. Confronting Jisoo didn't make her feel any better. Seeing Jisoo that way didn't give her any satisfaction.
To Jennie's surprise, that night she received a text from Jisoo, asking her to go for coffee the next day. Jennie rubbed her temples, almost considering turning her down. She sighed and typed out a quick response, doing it before she could back down.
She tried not to read into Jisoo's reply.
Jisoo: 'See you soon. I have a lot I need to say. x'
-
Jisoo was already sitting, with two cups of coffee, when Jennie arrived. Before she even took off her jacket, Jisoo started speaking.
"First: I'm sorry."
Jennie sat. So it began.
"No, cupcake, I'm..."
Jisoo pushed a cup towards her.
"No, Jennie. Stop. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I'm mostly sorry for how I treated you. I didn't mean to mislead you. I'm sorry."
"Okay..."
She took another deep breath. "You are right, Jennie."
"About what?"
Jisoo's stared at Jennie with an intensity that Jennie had never seen from her before and said: "I...have feelings for you. And you feel the same for me."
Jennie's heart leapt into her throat, not at all expecting her to be so forthcoming. She nodded, not trusting her voice.
Jisoo smiled sadly.
"Be honest: If I wasn't your doctor, and we met in a different way, what would've happened between us?"
"Jisoo..." Jennie carefully considered how to respond. Her palms were sweaty and her chest swelled with hope. She didn't trust it. "I don't know how discussing a hypothetical like that would be good for either of us..."
Jisoo propped her elbows on the table, covering her face. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm a mess."
"Hey," Jennie said, reaching for Jisoo's hand, pulling it from her face and holding it on the table. "This has been...an atypical situation for both of us. But we've got a new friend each, right?"
Jisoo scoffed at the word 'friend'.
"Plus, if you're a mess, you're at least a cute mess, cupcake."
Jisoo laughed – it was quiet and not her usual (beautiful) full laugh, but it still made Jennie smile.
She stared at Jisoo, who's attention was out the window, lost in thought. She was going to break the silence – make a comment about the weather – when Jisoo spoke.
"I just...I couldn't stop thinking about what you said. And while your delivery was completely...messed up...I realized you were right." Jisoo sighed and pulled her hand away.
"Jisoo...I'm an asshole."
"You are. And you were a huge fucking asshole to me, Jennie."
Jisoo never swore. Before Jennie could comment on that fact, Jisoo continued.
"Look, Jennie, if you're going to be in my life, then you can't treat me that way. No matter how frustrated you are with me. Just talk to me next time. Before it gets to the point where you think you have to...intentionally hurt me." Jisoo's eyes watered; she blinked back any tears that threatened to escape. Jennie reached forward again, placing her hand on top of hers.
"I'm sorry, Jisoo."
Jisoo nodded and turned her hand up, holding Jennie's. She gave it a squeeze.
"I thought you were just flirtatious. I enjoyed sparring with you. Then when you made it clear that you were interested in me, my first response was to not believe you. Women like you aren't ever interested in women like me." Jennie arched an eyebrow, about to dispute her when Jisoo shook her head.
"Don't interrupt me, Jendeuk. It's true. You're sexy and charming and I'm goofy and nerdy..." Jennie rolled her eyes. "Look, I tried to convince myself that it was one-sided, but I couldn't keep lying to myself..."
She sighed and pulled her hand away.
"I just...I wish I wasn't your doctor."
Jennie felt winded.
"Then stop being my doctor."
Jisoo sighed.
"It's not that easy. Even if I did, there are so many implications and restrictions, especially due to the nature of our current relationship; who knows how it'd look. And there are no other doctors who would be willing to take you on at the clinic, and the closest clinic accepting new patients is in Gwanju and you don't have a car so I might as well be asking you to drive to Anyang..."
Jennie half-smiled. "You've thought about this."
She blushed and nodded. "A little."
Jennie felt the bubble of hope grow larger. "We could...keep it a secret?"
Jisoo's expression darkened. The bubble burst.
"No. Absolutely not. I'm...I'm a lot of things, hopelessly pathetic being one of those things, but I'm not going to do anything to further jeopardize my career. Not for anything or anyone. I can't take that chance, Jennie."
Silence washed over the pair. Jennie fiddled with the coffee cup sleeve. She looked at Jisoo. Despite the fact that Jisoo looked every bit as stunning as she did when they first met (more so, really), she also looked tired.
"Are you still seeing her?" she asked, switching gears. She didn't even know Jisoo's date's name, nor did she want to learn it.
"Not really. We went out a few times but..."
"But?"
"You know why, Jennie." She rubbed her forehead, seemingly trying to rub the stress away.
"Enlighten me."
Jisoo blew out a breath. "It didn't feel right. I felt like I was cheating on you..."
Jennie was overwhelmed.
"Chu..."
Jisoo shook her head. "We shouldn't be talking about this."
"No, it's fine. We're friends. Friends talk about stuff like this."
"I hate being your friend," Jisoo whined.
Jennie laughed sardonically. "Me too, cutie. Me too."