Emma's Journal Entry
February 25
Today's Assignment: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Ten years. It's not that far away if you think about it.
When I was a kid, the idea of time felt endless when I considered the millions of activities I could squeeze into one day. Summers lasted a lifetime, and reaching double digits was an eternity away.
Now that I'm older, the reality of time is setting in. Days and weeks fly by, and before I know it, I'll be a college graduate—trapped in a job I hate, and surrounded by people who drive me insane. That's what my parents want for me. "If you study hard, maybe you'll get into a Fortune 500 company," they always say.
Like that's supposed to inspire me?! Sitting in some stuffy cubicle, crunching numbers all day?
Stef says I'm meant for more. That if I always do what my family expects I'll never reach my full potential. And she's right. I'm living a life I never wanted or asked for. A life they designed.
The time has come to make a change.
There's not a doubt in my mind that in ten years I'll be with Stef, happy and carefree, living by the standards we've created for ourselves. She sees life differently than most people I know. She's not afraid to think outside of the box and try new things. That's one of the things I love about her—her sense of freedom and adventure. She promotes openness and creativity and shuns the rigidity of middle-class society.
Here's an example: I received a package from her the other day. She told me to expect it but I just about died when it actually arrived! Not that I thought she was lying, I just can't believe she had the guts to send it!
Inside were pills. She said since I've never taken them before I should only start with one and that the effects would last for hours. And OMG—I have never felt more alive in my whole life!
It was like all of a sudden, I had zero problems and all the confidence in the world! Nothing or no one could touch me. Like I could take on an entire army and fight them off with my bare hands. My brain just opened up and all of this courage poured out, and my entire body felt super light and floaty like I wasn't even a real person. It was the craziest thing!
She said if I thought that was mind-blowing, I should see what it's like during sex. I can't even imagine! Part of me hopes it was an invitation, but the other part feels sort of jealous. Because she has to have experienced it to know what it's like, right? I mean, she told me she's not a virgin, but the idea of her with someone else makes me feel a little insane. I hate to even think about it.
But that's silly, isn't it? I know she's more experienced than I am, and for the most part, I'm happy for it. She may not be book smart, I don't know if she is I and don't care, but she's filled with the wisdom of living life. That's the only kind of knowledge that matters. She makes me feel like anything and everything is possible!
I had the funniest thought during my first trip (if that's what you want to call it—I don't even know!), I'm almost embarrassed to tell you. But when Stef and I are an official couple, how does she see our relationship progressing? Will we simply be together forever, or are we going to make it official and get married? And if we do get married, would I go by Mrs. Stef Colin, or would she be Mrs. Emma Navarro??
I have no idea where that came from but it did get me thinking more seriously about our future—all good things, of course! I swear, my brain never stops. I have so many questions for her, and I can't wait for the day when she's all mine.
And that day is coming sooner than I expected.
We're going to meet in person—can you believe it?? We have it all planned out. She's living in New York at the moment and said her cousin can drive her to Ohio. He's not able to stay with her (although, honestly I think that's something they worked out so that we can be alone together). The plan is for him to drop her off at a motel and then I'll pick her up. To be extra careful, we'll meet about thirty minutes outside of Menteuse so no one I know will see us.
She suggested I bring Arbor with me, just in case I get nervous or something, but there's no way I want anyone tagging along. I've waited way too long for this to happen, and I want Stef all to myself. That may sound selfish, but I don't care. She said she'd bring more pills with her too, and I'm sort of hoping she remembers what she said about mind-blowing sex—because between you and me, I can't wait much longer to be with her.
While she's here, she said we can talk about when I eventually come to live with her. All this time, I've been so scared that's all this ever was—just a couple of teenage girls talking about things that will never happen. Cause you never really know what people are thinking, even when it seems like they're being honest. There were times when I worried Stef was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. But now I know she meant every word.
And guess what? It's all happening this Friday! Coach has something going on that day so she canceled practice and my parents have dinner plans and said they won't get home until around 10:00 PM. But if there's alcohol involved—and you know there will be—they'll be lucky to make it back before 1:00. That should give me and Stef hours to hang out together. It's not nearly long enough but at least it's something.
I really need this. I'm hoping a little taste of what my future could be like will be enough to get me through these next several months.
I still can't believe it's finally happening! Whenever I think about it—which is every minute of every day—I get butterflies in my stomach. Which pretty much means my insides are in a constant state of disarray!
But I'm confident we can pull this off. I've watched enough TV to know how to sneak around like a professional, and I've spent more time than I care to admit plotting my escape. Now I get to put all of those plans to good use.
Besides, I have the universe on my side. You see, me and the universe, we made this deal. If I promise to live my best life and to always do good, then everything will work out the way it's supposed to. It's called karma. To receive happiness and love and peace, one must BE happiness and love and peace. Because whatever we throw out into the world is exactly what will come back to us.
The hard part will be leaving her. I know it's only temporary, but how will I be able to come back to this awful life when I know a much better one is out there waiting for me?
Stef says the wait will make it that much sweeter. I'm sure she's right, but I've never been a patient person. I only hope she still likes me when we meet! I can be abrasive and headstrong sometimes. Spoiled, too. I've already warned her, but she said she loves me and all of my idiosyncrasies. Isn't that the sweetest? And I love her too. So so much.
Just a little while longer to go. Now if I could only wipe this stupid grin off my face, maybe I wouldn't look like I'm up to no good!