"Jace! You have to get your life together, man! You're going to go bankrupt! And you've been loaning from Tate!" Marcus screamed as Jace had tried to push him out the door. Marcus still kept his footing as Jace pushed. Marcus needed to get everything off his chest. He'd been harbouring his opinions on Jace's choices on his chest for months. He saw everything that Jace had chosen to get involved with start to slowly take over Jace's life. It drained everything, not just the money. Marcus saw the happiness fade from Jace's normally giddy face. He saw Jace's belongings suddenly disappearing. Marcus saw the transformation into the broken shell of Jace and Marcus wasn't fine with it at all.
"I'm fine! I'm perfectly fine!" Jace denied furiously. Jace wasn't fine, even he knew it but he wasn't going to change anything. As far as he was concerned, his life was no one else's business so they shouldn't be telling him how to live it.
"No, you're not! Ever since you and Anne stopped talking, you've changed!" Marcus argued. Marcus had been trying to avoid talking about Anne the entire intervention. It was a touchy subject most of the time and well, angry Jace was less tolerant about everything. He knew that word vomit would be costly and Jace's actions wouldn't be exactly fun.
"Don't talk about her," Jace lowly grounded out. As predicted, Jace's emotions and anger spiked, not to mention his blood pressure. Jace had convinced himself that he hated the girl. Although, despite his denial, he knew himself that he never loved anyone else more.
"You love her and you know it! So get the damn phone out and call the girl!" Marcus pleaded. It pained Marcus to see Jace like this for the past year. It needed to end now before it ruined Jace's life.
"You loved Case so why aren't you with her now?" Jace debated. Jace had been wondering for months why the hell the two were no longer together. Casey and Marcus were the perfect couple as far as Jace had seen. Yet, suddenly she suddenly had disappeared. Marcus no longer spoke of the giggling blonde. Jace saw how his mood had changed everytime Jace mentioned her. Jace kept his distance though and avoided talking about her. It was an unspoken rule just like how Marcus was never to speak of Anne. Since Marcus had broken it, Jace saw the chance for an eye for an eye.
"She didn't want me!" Marcus heatedly yelled back.
"Anne doesn't want me either!" Jace yelled.
"You idiot! She tried calling you countless times! You freaking are the imbecil who never called her back after kissing her! What the hell is wrong with you?! This isn't the Jace I know!" Marcus yelled reaching forward and grabbing Jace's shoulders and shaking them slightly.
"Well, maybe I'm not Jace," Jace almost whispered, shaking off Marcus' hands. He was tired arguing with his friend. They'd known each other since high school freshman year, and ever since Anne and him had seperated for awhile, they both had gotten even closer. They had never fought for more than ten minutes but this intervention of Marcus was already bordering the end of their friendship.
Marcus turned speechless and gave a solemn look at Jace as he walked back towards Jace's door.
"Look, until you find 'Jace' again, just, just don't talk to me. I don't want to see this, this monster," Marcus said still heatedly. Marcus was tired of just watching his friend's demise. He couldn't bear it anymore.
Without a second glance, Marcus stormed out of the apartment, into his car and sped away as Jace gazed after him from his window. A couple minutes passed without any sign of Marcus coming back. The streets were still white except for a couple of tire tracks. He watched as an ambulance passed by, its sounds resonating throughout the quiet street and through the window into the silent apartment. The light cast a lively colour on the pure white snow. The liveliness of the colour was so contradictory for the poor being on the recieving end of the ambulance, Jace noted. Jace sighed as he realized that he wasn't coming back. Jace was hoping Marcus would just forgive and come back to apologize like he normally did but this time, Marcus was right and had nothing to apologize for and Jace knew this. He wasn't surprised but was just hopeful about it.
Disobeying the entire concept that Marcus had tried to enforce on him, he took a small wad of cash from under his and shoved it into his pocket. He was going to need it if he wanted to pay off Tate.
He exited his apartment while gulping. He knew he was late with his payment and he still didn't have enough to pay off the loan. He walked down the street with the wad of cash burning a hole through his pockets. He neared the alley with so many worries and shaking hands.
He entered the alley with a cool expression although every part of him was screaming for him to run.
"Ah, pretty boy, you have the cash?" he heard one of Tate's goons call out the moment he walked in. Jace gulped, he knew that this wouldn't end well. It never ended well for Jace.
"Uh, yeah," he partly lied. He did have cash but not the cash that Tate wanted back.
"Hand it over, kid," the man demanded with an open hand. Jace was used to the transaction but this time, he was lacking a couple bills needed and every cent counted to Tate. Jace hesitantly handed it over while muttering something about needing to go somewhere. He turned hastily but he only managed a foot or two before getting pushed up against the wall. His breathing became shallower and more urgent as a hand held his throat.
"Look, kid," the man started as he took out a knife.
"You're already late, and you still are in debt, you know what we do right?" the man continued.
Jace nodded solemnly; he was expecting the lanky man's next move.
With a swift movement, the man gave a shallow but long cut on Jace's cheek horizontally. Jace cringed, it could've been worse, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. The man let go of Jace and whispered in his ear,
"Move along, but get back here soon."
Jace landed on his two feet, slightly stumbling. He didn't bother trying to ease the flow of blood from his cheek until he got out of the alley. He touched the cut but winced the moment the skin came in contact. He took his hand away to find a dark red substance, blood. He knew that the blood flow wouldn't stop without any bandages and just gave up on concealing it. He didn't know anyone around here who'd care anyway. Sighing sadly, he reflected on all the mistakes he had made that year, and wasn't impressed. Gambling had too many consequences for it to be worth it, but he couldn't stop. He played the game as if chewing gum, chew, chew, chew. He couldn't stop, it was too addicting.
He groaned after he looked down to find his shirt stained red. He hated when this happened. He had earned scars from the loan sharks before, so he wasn't exactly too pained by the cut. However, he was wearing his favourite shirt, a gift from Anne. He strolled through the street normally as if he wasn't bleeding. He earned a couple of questioning and worried glances but since he was functioning properly, everyone just walked forward. He wasn't known around the neighbourhood so no one really bothered to care. Also, it was getting dark and many people thought of him as a troubled person who got into business with people he shouldn't have. That part of town was known for its.... sketchy activities. Ignoring all the glances furtively, he sped up a little. All the attention wasn't good, who knew what they'd do.
He walked up the steps to his complex after checking that Tate hadn't sent anyone after him. Tate was known for hitting close to home when he didn't get what he wanted. Jace had to be on his toes with this; it'd never be certain when Tate'd strike. He really had to get the money soon before things got out of hand, not that it was 'in hand' anyway. He stepped up the stairs getting tired with each lift. The blood loss was making him a little drowsy and light headed. He probably should've treated it, he reflected. He'd use that logic next time. Only, if there would be one.
He realized as he walked down the street that Marcus was right with every word he said and he decided to stop. Well, at least try to. An alcoholic doesn't stop drinking overnight so a gambler wouldn't be changing overnight either. Just beginning the cycle of gambling or alcoholism didn't initiate overnight, Jace reasoned whenever he failed at stopping.
For Jace, it was only meant to be once. He needed the money badly when he couldn't pay his rent. His job hadn't been able to suffice for that month and his parents had told him that with the first sign of financial problems, they'd drag him home if needed to. They were overbearing but he loved them. He didn't want them to worry about him; they'd already had for years. He didn't want to have to ask anyone and make them lose a wink of sleep. He'd just gone to the casino downtown and hoped that luck would be in his favour. It was and he managed to get a surplus for the month. With this promising start, he decided another night wouldn't hurt.
Then he got dragged into it. He gave up on his job and devoted his life to gambling. He played his cards right and managed to make a good living out of it. Then, his luck seemed to go downhill. He then began to loan from Tate; one of his worst mistakes. Yet, he continued to the point that he was where he was, barely scraping by.
Slumping onto the couch after getting inside, he breathed a sigh of relief. He just wanted to sleep. He looked down and saw the red again and groaned. He had to get himself cleaned up before bed if he didn't want to wake up bloody. He stood up still a little lightheaded, then proceeded to the washroom. After assessing the scar, he deemed it not deep enough to need stitches or medical attention and just bandaged it. He quickly took off his shirt and changed into some pajamas.
The next morning, he woke up to find news he hoped he wouldn't have to hear. He was still stunned after a couple of minutes and couldn't breathe.
"J-Jace, Anne, S-she's, Anne's gone," the voice on the other end of the line uttered getting quieter and quieter near the end. It had wavered and stuttered throughout the entire line.
"What?" Jace had asked dumbly. Anne's mother had called minutes prior and Jace could hear the sobs racking her body. Jace told her that it was okay, that it was going to be alright. But even Jace was scared of what news she had to tell. Anne's mother had always been composed and had never shown weakness in front of others. To say that Jace was worried was a understatement.
He had managed to sooth her enough for her to composed herself to whisper the sentence that left him broken. Denial coursed his mind and he had asked dumbly what she meant.
'She couldn't be gone. She couldn't. I didn't get to talk to her. She couldn't go before that!' he thought hopelessly. Even he knew that she couldn't be lying. Anne's mother was not that great of an actor. Yet, Jace just hoped that this was some type of cruel prank for not calling her back after all this time.
She had composed herself as much as she possibly could. Yet, the tears still were flowing on her side of the line.
"A c-car, it hit her," she whispered. She couldn't form any intelligent sentences. She was broken too.
She was gone.
Just gone.
Jace held the phone with his shaking hands up to his ear and the tears slipped from his eyes.
Why? he thought. Why her? It seemed so overused when it came to when something bad happened to someone but it was the only thought he could think of. She was kind and playful. She was beautiful and she saw everything's beauty. She never really grew up but managed to keep everyone sane with her level-headedness. She was perfect in his eyes. She was everything he ever wanted.
He hadn't heard from his childhood bestfriend for almost a year and regretted everyday he had delayed himself from calling back with petty excuses. He couldn't forgive himself. Why hadn't he called her? He didn't even know the answer himself. Something always compelled him to pick up the dang phone but fear of rejection overwhelmed that magnetic force.
"When?" he choked out after a silence between the two conversing.
"To-today, six hours ago," she answered sniffling. She wasn't okay. Despite Jace's instinctive reaction to calm her and tell her that it'd be alright like before, even he knew that she and him along with everyone who knew Anne, and there was a lot, wouldn't be okay. Everything wouldn't be fine. Anne knew the entire community. Jace knew that this would affect everyone.
Another silence ceased the conversation as her words sunk in. He recalled hearing the ambulance's wails as they passed by his apartment.
"Oh my God," he gasped out. She was that close? That close when she left?
"What?" Anne's mother croaked out.
"I'm sorry, Lisa, I have to go," Jace apologized. He allowed a few goodbyes to go back and forth between them before he hung up.
He sat stunned on his bed after reviewing the facts.
Marcus left six hours ago.
The sounds from the ambulance was six hours ago.
Anne left six hours ago.
He could hear Anne's mother's shaking voice again saying the words he hoped he'd never hear.
She was gone....
Anne was gone...
He had to repeat the words in his head and a couple times aloud to let it sink in. Everything in him was denying it. However, he deep down knew the truth. She was gone and there was nothing he could do.
Frustrated tears escaped his eyes as he stood up. He grabbed the nearest thing closest to him, a statue that he had moulded in eigth grade with Anne, and chucked it at the wall. It shattered into pieces, just like his happiness had.
Running his hair through his hands, he felt the hollow in what his heart should've been get larger to the point where he felt completely empty.
Then it hit him. The tears flowed freely now and he was almost tearing his hair out.
It's my fault.
All my fault.
There was so many things I could've done, he thought bitterly. Just patching things up with Marcus would've solved everything. Maybe if he stayed a couple seconds longer, she would've been long gone from the street. Maybe if he called earlier, he wouldn't even have been in the mess that needed an intervention. Maybe if he wasn't so scared of her reaction, they'd be together and there wouldn't be any problems.
He cried as he thought up the happily ever after they could've had. Maybe it would've happened. It should've happened.
Would've, should've, could've.
The three words formed sentences on their own and he sobbed more. It was so unmanly in his opinion but he allowed himself to wallow in his sadness for a day or two, at least that was the allotment of time he gave himself.
What if... what if... what if...
The pair of words echoed and seemed to form its own sentences about the possibilities just to mock him. He kept whispering shut up, as if his thoughts were a different and alive person that felt the need to criticize him mercilessly. There was a part of him that took comfort in imagining the possibilities of things that could've happened but the majority was feeling worse and worse.
Hours passed as he thought up the possibilities. As dawn broke, his red-shot eyes shut closed. Possibilities were too tiring. Yet, imagining was worth it. Pretending everything would be alright was worth it too.
"I'm sorry," he whispered nearly croaking from his dry throat. The two words weren't addressed to anyone but he felt the need to say them. He needed to apologize to someone, to everyone. He didn't really know and at that time, he was too sleep deprived to know. He settled for sleeping as he came to his final conclusion.
There was nothing he could do anyway.
He slipped away from the world in an empty darkness for a few hours; one of the only escapes he'd get from this nightmare.
He woke up a couple minutes after noon from a dreamless sleep. Rubbing his eyes, he looked around hoping that it was just a nightmare. Maybe, whoever or whatever the higher power is, would give him luck and a wake up call in disguise, he thought hopefully. However, when his eyes reached the shards of the vase he faintly remembered throwing, he sucked in a deep breath.
It wasn't a dream.
His realization brought tears to his eyes but he fought it back. He had to get over it. At least, he told himself that but he knew that he wouldn't be getting over it anytime soon. Breathing out, he laughed. His controlled breathing was so irregular of him and he felt as though he was doing lamaze. Then he remembered Anne and him joking about it when they had to do the baby project back in high school together and he groaned. Everything he thought of to try to get off the topic made him think of Anne in some way. He really needed a drink, he thought.
He knew it was going to be a big mistake but he just needed to forget. He needed something to take the pain away; to just temporarily fill the emptiness. Normally when he felt this bad, he'd call Anne. In fact, he already had the phone in hand and the words on his tongue.
"Anne, I feel so bad."
But then he realized, that he'd never be able to call or hear her voice again. The phone dropped to the wooden floor and he took a deep breath in. He had to get his mind back on track. He had to think again.
He just didn't know where to start though. Anne was his go to person whenever he was sad and vice versa. Well, things had changed from their hiatus. But even so, he would've called... if he could. He shook his head again to shake the thoughts out. He repeated 'shut up' several times as the thoughts repeated multiple times. He realized what he was doing and his eyes widened. He was losing grip on his sanity. Anne wouldn't want that.
He looked around at the wreckage of a room and sighed. Anne would probably tell him to clean it up right that second but he couldn't will himself to do it. Anne always hated cleaning but still did it because she liked the organization of things. He sighed. Everything reminded him of her. He had to get out of the house. He had to get away from here.
He tore his eyes away from the destruction and grabbed his coat before proceeding downtown. His feet crunched in the snow with every step. He was going in the opposite direction of the alley and it scared him and amazed him how the entire area to the alley from his building was cleared. He could only imagine the amount of people it took to clear that step by step. No one really cleaned up that area; all the residents were lazy. He made a mental note to break the status quo.
He quickly made his way downtown. He avoided all contact he could've had from anyone; he didn't feel like talking to anyone. He knew the majority of the population and he knew that they'd probably want to talk to him. He pulled on his hood and kept his gaze down. He examined his shoes with more determination than he should've. It kept his mind preoccupied until he realized that they were the same shoes he wore when he was teaching Anne how to kick a soccerball properly once upon a time. His eyes flooded with tears. He scolded himself for being such a sissy.
He knew though that no one would blame him for it. Most people wouldn't get out of the house. He didn't have good reasoning to get back out into the wild. After all, he only really planned to get some alcohol and drown himself in his sorrow. It wasn't the smartest moves considering he already had a gambling problem, but he just needed a drink. He never was a fan of alcohol, but there were times when he was questioning everything, where he cleared himself for a shot or two. This time, he didn't care how much; just as long as he would forget her, even just for the night.
He looked up to find himself at the park after mindlessly walking. The entire area seemed strangely empty and quiet except for a little huddle of people. His eyebrows furrowed; it wasn't normal for people to really be around that area that late at night. A light glow emerged from the loose huddle. Normally, he'd walk past briskly, but he felt the urge to squeeze into the huddle. It wasn't exactly smart, considering the suspicious timing they chose to confer but his urge to join overpowered his sanity. He slowly joined in and met the familiar tear-filled eyes of one Lisa Cruz.
"Jace," she breathed out. He looked around to find that all of them were friends of Anne. He wasn't surprised to find a photo of Anne at their feet with a wreath encompassing it. The photo was of Anne and Jace though. They just folded it so that Jace was out of it. They were sitting on their bench. Anne was smiling ear to ear as Jace retold stories about his friends. The love in her eyes would've been obvious to any view but Jace still remained oblivious. He knew he loved her though. The photo made Jace want to just rewind time and appreciate everything a little more. He just wanted a second chance to fix everything and then maybe things wouldn't have ended this way.
The wreath had a couple of candles around it that gave out some heat. The warmth mingled with the winter heat but its strength wasn't enough to keep them warm in any way. Without a word, they all huddled, shoulder to shoulder. A silence came over them as they all thought of memories about her. Everyone had the same mindset.
Why her?
No one said anything. There was nothing they could do anymore and it all haunted them. She was really gone. Jace still hadn't let it really sunk in but when he saw the finality in this meeting, he felt the coldness from winter suddenly more prominent. Time passed quickly as they all reminisced. Not many words were uttered until a girl spoke up.
"You know, she wouldn't have wanted us to be quiet," she piped up. She smiled hesitantly and taking their smiles in response too as an approval, continued to tell a story. They all chuckled at some of the insanity the pair, Destinee and Anne, had done. They all took turns telling stories about Anne and the tension and sadness had soon dissipated. Jace smiled at all of the stories. When his turn came around, he froze. He racked himself for memories of Anne and he felt his heart pang as he searched for the funniest. He didn't realize it, but under their watchful and concerned eyes, his tears were falling silently as he recollected. A cold hand latched onto Jace's and he looked to meet Lisa's gaze. It was almost full circle, with only Lisa left. She nodded as he opened his mouth as to speak but was at a loss for words.
Everyone in the group understood why he was silent. Jace and Anne were one of the closest pairs of friend ever. They all nodded understandingly. They all had their ways of coping. Everyone else was talking about her to cope, but Jace was different. He just needed time.
"Well, on behalf of Jace, I'd like to tell my favourite story," Lisa started.
"It was a long time ago, back when Jace," she squeezed his hand," and Anne first met. They were both four and were playing in the park. They had just started preschool that year and it was on a weekend. Anne pointed over to this cute little toddler and well, she and him, never realized it but Jace's mother and I were already planning your wedding. You," she addressed Jace," were the cutest little gentleman ever. You ran over to her smiling ear to ear and just said hi with a stutter. And I was freaking the heck out. It was the cutest thing ever. Anne was so confident back then and greeted you with a huge smile too. You two played for hours and I swear, your mom and I were ecstatic. I once asked her if you two were dating... and her four year old self... said 'No, but I wish we were.' From then on, your mom and I both swore if you two didn't get married or at least kiss that we'd dye our hair red."
Lisa ended her story with a sad smile; she didn't think that she would have to ever dye it red. Jace and Anne seemed like the ideal cliche; best friends, not speaking period and then well, should've reunited in tears and happiness.
He looked at her from the corner of his eyes.
"We did kiss," he muttered. Everyone suddenly became attentive as the news was withheld from everyone til then. It wasn't a shock though. Everyone figured it'd happen some time.
"It was last Christmas and we were caught under the mistletoe. It was a small kiss... but I... felt sparks. I think she did too but she ran right after. And then... I chased after her... and well... we kissed again... but a little more heated," his cheeks tinted slightly pink," I was an idiot. I didn't call her after. We both just sort of walked away. I thought she didn't like it... and I didn't think I could handle the rejection from her...," he trailed off.
Destinee held back a crude remark. She knew how much his avoidance of Anne affected Anne and she hated him. However, when she saw the pain and hatred for himself in his eyes, she couldn't bring herself to call him out on it. A silence came over them once again as they all couldn't find a way to comfort Jace. Jace didn't blame them though. What exactly were you supposed to say? he thought bitterly.
"She wouldn't have wanted you to feel bad," Destinee piped up. He smiled faintly as a response. The silence continued feverently.
The time had passed quite quickly and people were started to split off after apologizing to the remainder. Jace and Lisa soon found themselves as the only people there. Anne's father had already gone in; he couldn't take it. He couldn't bring himself to stay in that little huddle of sadness. Lisa had just told him that she'd meet up with him later.
"Destinee was right, you know," Lisa faintly said.
"What?" Jace asked.
"She wouldn't want you to dwell on it," she clarified.
He nodded but still couldn't shake it off. Lisa knew he wouldn't be forgiving himself anytime soon and just sighed.
"Honey, I have to go now," she notified in a hushed tone. The atmosphere of the park was empty and it felt as though any sound was a disturbance that would be scolded. They both could imagine a librarian going out just to shush them.
He turned to her and smiled faintly. "Me too," he said.
There wasn't much needed to be said so they just caught each other's gaze and shared a smile. There seems to be alot of fake smiles, he noted. He didn't understand why but he found himself smiling sadly throughout the night. He couldn't find a reason why though.
She put her hand on his shoulder. It was meant to be comforting but the movement seemed more awkward as Jace was much taller and she had to reach far up to do it. They both chuckled but Lisa's face soon turned stern.
"You'll have to forgive yourself sometime," she told him.
"I know, but it'll take awhile," he replied.
She nodded.
"Look, I understand that you couldn't talk about Anne... but... the... the f-funeral... is in a couple of weeks... and she'd want you to say something..." she mentioned.
"I'd... I'd love to," he found himself saying. He knew finding something to say would be hard but he felt entitled and wanted to.
She smiled as a response. After a couple of seconds, without any actual words exchanged, they both started walking away. Jace dismissed his prior thoughts about wanting to drown his sorrows in alcohol and decided to just walk home. Jace didn't know why but a weight seemed to be taken off his shoulders and as the snow began to fall, reminding him of all the memories, he smiled feeling her presence encompassing him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, well, erm, most of ths chapter was made up on the spot... and well, it ended up much longer than I wanted the filler-ish area to be.... and... well, I dunno. I liked the last sentence. So I just wanted to sort of... keep it like that. I'll be working on the next chapter... like right now. lol.
And um... well... this'll be I guess 4 parts? Well, one more than I thought before. We'll see where it brings us to.
I doubt anyone actually read this, but... I dunno, I like Flash alot. Probably is my overall favourite. It's more rushed than I would've wanted a story plot like this to be... but... I'm sort of on a deadline. lol. Actually, I could've made it longer. But it'd be more moping and time laspes. Plus, I dunno, I feel like Jace and Anne have a friendship that's strong enough that the pair doesn't really take words to converse. They know what each other would want. And well, Anne wouldn't want Jace to dwell on things. I mean, really, I'm sure Anne would've wanted things to be different... Anne would want him to be happy. So I think Jace'll be... you know... recovering a little faster, just so that she'll be happy.
I'm trying to finish this before Feb. 15... because well, two month deadline from moment of posting. Well I think? :D
This is dedicated to ElyseWeasley. I think this is your third dedication. lol. Song is 'Fallout' by Marianas Trench (omg, if you don't know them, I pity you). I dunno. I just liked the song this entire week and well, I feel like Jace's frustration with everything is sort of relatable to it. *shrug* lol. Plus, since this is dedicated to Elyse... and we both adore this song... it's perfect. lol.
Thank you for reading!
Sorry for my horrible updating skills and this monster author's note.
Bye!
Ps. I say this for almost every chapter. I'm a horrible editor. There's probably a bajillion mistakes. Please forgive me.