Too early, it was too early for me to be up on a Tuesday morning, especially considering that it was my only day off this week. After working a double shift yesterday, I had planned on sleeping in this morning and only wake up in the afternoon, but someone was knocking at my door, keeping me from doing that. I would’ve usually ignored it, I actually tried ignoring it, but the person standing on the other side of the door was very persistent. I groaned and cursed Wendy for being out to school and not answering the door for me.
Eventually I got up to answer the door. I lazily made my way to it, my feet shuffling against the wooden floor, my palms rubbing my sleepy eyes. I didn’t bother to look into the peephole to see who it was and opened the door.
The first thing that hit me was the smell of fresh coffee. The second thing was that Harry was standing in front of me, early in the morning and sober.
“What are you doing here?” was the first thing I said.
Harry’s lips lifted upward in a cheeky grin. “Good morning to you too,” he greeted me.
I rolled my eyes, too tired to come up with a proper comeback. Harry laughed and I grunted before turning around and heading to my bedroom. I could hear him closing and locking the door before following me closely behind. I headed straight to my bed, completely ignoring Harry and hoping that I hadn’t been up long enough for sleep to completely leave me for today.
“You’re going back to bed?” Harry asked, disbelief clear in his tone.
I didn’t bother turning my head to look at him and simply mumbled in my pillow. None of the words that escaped my mouth made sense, I didn’t even understand them myself, but Harry got the idea that I was, in fact, returning to bed.
“But I brought you coffee,” he protested.
I didn’t even need to look at him to know that he was pouting. “I’ll drink it when I wake up.”
“It will be cold by then,” he said, his tone resembling one of a child.
I turned my head towards him. He was standing at the edge of my bed, the two cups of coffee still in his hands. He looked disappointed and I instantly felt bad. I knew that the coffee Harry had brought would be perfect, simply because he knew exactly how I liked it. It was also clear that he had done that to make me happy and never intended to disturb me.
My guilt towards refusing his kind gesture overtook my need for sleep. I sighed and sat up in bed, accepting the fact that I wasn’t going to get any more sleep. I patted the space next to me and Harry smiled softly before handing me the two cups. He took off his coat and his jeans then came to sit under the covers next to me. I rolled my eyes as he gave me a defiant smile and I handed him the cup with his name on it.
We stayed silent as we both took a sip of our coffee. I could feel Harry looking at me from the corner of his eyes, making sure that I liked my drink. I took in a beep breath, inhaling the smell that I loved so much. Coffee was a guilty pleasure of mine, something I always craved when I really shouldn’t. After I took my first sip, I hummed in satisfaction; it was creamy and sweet, exactly how I liked it.
“It’s perfect,” I informed him. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said back, sending me a dazzling smile.
I smiled back before taking another sip. “I don’t mean to be rude but why are you here?” I asked after a short silence.
Harry shrugged. “To bring you coffee. You love coffee, ” he replied matter-of-factly.
“At-” I turned towards my alarm clock to check the time. “Eight o’clock in the morning?”
Harry shrugged again. I looked at him, expecting some sort of explanation but got none as Harry kept avoiding my gaze. I didn’t say anything and kept looking at him, knowing that eventually he would spill the beans.
He turned his head slowly towards me but never met my eyes. “I guess I couldn’t sleep,” he finally admitted.
I put my coffee on my nightstand and turned to Harry. “Why?”
“I kept thinking about how I was a dick to you Sunday.”
“You couldn’t sleep because of that?” I asked in disbelief. Out of all the reasons he could’ve given me, this wasn’t one I thought he would bring up.
“I feel like you’re mad at me for that,” he explained.
“Well you were kind of a dick,” I agreed with a small smile. “But I’m not mad at you.”
He laughed with no humour before leaning against my shoulder. I looked at him from above, noticing the way his eyelashes rested carefully on his cheek and the slow movements of his chest as he breathed. His beauty always surprised me, it always felt as if I was short on air whenever I took a little extra time to take in his features.
“Are you sure you’re not still mad at me?” He asked after a short silence. His head turned in my direction and we looked at each other.
I sighed. “I can never really stay mad at you, you know that.”
He sat back up and looked at me shyly. “I’ll never understand why you stick around,” he admitted.
I grabbed his hand and squeezed it softly to reassure him. “I don’t know,” I replied, although I knew exactly why I did.
My thumb caressed the back of his hand while I pressed a short kiss on the top of his head. He tensed for a second before focusing his eyes on our hand, then on me.
It was fascinating to witness how much his mood kept changing in only a matter of minutes. When he arrived, he was playful, when he sat in my bed, he became regretful, and when I grabbed his hand, I saw a determination that I knew all to well. Harry was overly sexual and it always surprised me how quickly and how little it took him to get in the mood.
I looked away, trying to avoid what I knew what was coming. “It’s hard to avoid you when you show up at my door at eight in the morning,” I tried to joke to change the mood, but failed miserably. A nervous laugh escaped my mouth as I met Harry’s eyes.
He knew exactly what he was doing and I cursed myself for not possessing more self-control when it came to him.
His hand grabbed mine tighter and he put down his coffee before tugging on my arm and pulling me to him. He let himself fall on his back and I ended up being on top of him.
Carefully he grabbed me by my hair and reduced the distance between our faces. He pressed a small kiss on my lips before putting his tongue in and intensifying the kiss.
What would happen next became clear and for a second, I couldn’t help but to feel sad. The last two times that I had seen Harry, Saturday night and Sunday afternoon, we had sex and right now, it looked like we were going to have sex again. As much as I enjoyed it, as much as I craved it, I couldn’t help but to feel like I was being used. Like he wasn’t hanging out with me as a friend anymore, but simply to have sex.
I pulled away quickly and Harry looked at me inquisitively. “What’s wrong?”
“Is that why you came here?” I asked him, unable to hold the tremor in my voice. “To have sex?”
Harry’s eyes widened. “Em, shit. No,” he quickly denied. “I just thought… fuck I- I’m sorry.”
I got off of him and went on the other side of the bed, staying as far away as I could from him. My skin felt cold as I detached myself from him but I couldn’t handle being touched by him right now. As silly as I felt for asking him about his motives, I knew it had to come out eventually. Never had I voiced my discomfort towards our situation, because I barely thought that way, but today wasn’t the first time it occurred to me.
The atmosphere between us became tense and awkward. Harry didn’t move for a second before slowly shuffling towards me. His eyes never left mine and even if he wasn’t saying anything, I knew that he was sorry. Carefully he went to hug me and I let him. The moment his arms pulled me to him, I hid my face in his chest. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent, the scent that reminded me of home, and he kissed the top of my head.
“I’m sorry, Em. I misinterpreted the signals,” he admitted. “I truly came here to apologize for Sunday and spend some time with my best friend. I’m sorry.”
I nuzzled his chest, trying to hold in tears. “You apologize a lot,” I remarked, not really knowing what else I was supposed to say.
He chuckled softly. “Only to you,” he specified and I smiled. “Seriously though, I didn’t mean to make a move, well I meant to because you look fucking hot in your pyjamas, but it wasn’t my initial intention.”
“I’m just wearing a shirt,” I told him.
“Precisely,” he chuckled and I rolled my eyes.
Harry caressed my back and for a while, none of us talked. Things kept floating in my mind and I started to really think about what had just happened.
“It doesn’t feel like we’re friends anymore,” I whispered so low that I wasn’t sure that Harry had heard me. But once he extended his arms and made me look at him, I knew he had.
He looked at me with worried eyes. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just… in the past couple of days, when we weren’t having sex, either you were high out of your mind or we were arguing. We haven’t even had one respectable discussion.”
“That’s why I came here today, I wanted us to spend time together like we usually do.”
“But it almost turned to sex, again,” I pointed out.
Harry frowned. “Where are you going with this?”
I sighed. When I brought up the subject, I had no idea where I was heading, but as I kept talking, I had a clear idea of what I wanted to say. The only problem was that I was scared to say it.
“I just- I feel… I don’t know,” I rambled and Harry took my face between his hands.
He was concerned and confused. “Tell me, Em.”
“I feel used,” I blurted out.
It was true, for a while that thought had been floating around in my head but I never had the courage to admit it. I was always the one giving him everything and he took it all. I, in return, only got a fuck out of it.
Harry gasped loudly and I immediately regretted saying it. “What!” he exclaimed.
“Harry, I-”
“You feel used?” His voice was getting louder, he was mad, but I knew that he wasn’t mad at me. “Fucking hell, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “Whenever it happens it feels like you need it and I just can’t deny you that.”
Harry looked at me, thinking over what I was saying. “Em, from the beginning I told you that we could stop whenever you wanted it, if that’s what you want it’s okay. If it’s not good to you, we’ll stop.”
His tone was both tense and understanding and it was confusing. It was as if part of him didn’t want to stop, but another part of him cared enough about me to respect me. My heart swelled and suddenly I wasn’t so sure of what I was saying anymore and regretted bringing it up.
“We don’t need to stop completely though,” I tried not to sound too desperate, but failed miserably. “It feels good,” I mumbled as I detached my eyes from his.
Harry smiled sadly and caressed my face. “But maybe we need to,” he countered. “I don’t like knowing that you feel that way.”
“I just want us to be more than two people having sex Harry. I want us to be friends to.”
Harry’s smile dropped and his eyes betrayed his sadness. “I thought we were.”
He sighed deeply and looked away from me. I bit my lower lip, regretting even more that this conversation even happened. Sure we weren’t having the best friendship, but telling him that it felt like we weren’t friends was low. I knew Harry was trying, the fact that he came here this morning with coffees in hands proved that.
“Maybe we should stop having sex together,” he suggested.
My eyes widened. “What? Why?”
“I know you’re disappointed, but I think it will be good for you.” He smiled but his eyes betrayed his sadness. I had seen him broken, but right now it felt different.
He had said ‘good for you’ and not ‘good for us’, confirming that this was not what he wanted but he looked out for me.
“How long?” I asked.
He shrugged. “We’ll see. Let’s try and just be best friends like we used to and see if it solves anything, alright?”
I nodded. I knew that what he was saying was logical, that I probably needed some physical distance with him. It had come to a point where my feelings for him were overwhelming me. He was right, I had to clear my mind but I couldn’t help but to feel disappointed. I had said countless times that I felt closer to him when we were having sex, that it was the only times he would open up to me and now that we were heading down a road where we didn’t have that, it felt like this was the first step towards our fall.
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You go Em for growing some balls and telling him how it felt, hopefully it won't change everything. lol.
What did you think of this chapter? Glad Em told Harry about how it all felt or do you think she should've kept her mouth shut?
Please vote & comment !
with loads of love,
Karry xx.