My grief screams the same thing at me over and over again: "This isn't how it's supposed to be, this isn't how it's supposed to be, this isn't how it's supposed to be." Yet the world laughs and holds me by the throat: "But this is how it is."
~
The sun had long since set, casting the night over us. It was noticeably chilly, whether it was from the sunless hours or the atmosphere around us- I couldn't tell. On a normal cold night, we would welcome a fire lit and admire the stray embers flying off into the sky. But not tonight. The only fires around us were pyre's for the bodies of all our fallen comrades.
Everyone gathered around one, Lea and Leon stood next to me in between Jean, Reiner, Annie and Bertholdt on my left and Connie, Sasha, Ymir and Christa on the right along with a few other cadets. Connie was crouched on the ground, sobbing. It was the only sound heard other than the fire crackling in front of us. I couldn't feel anything. Not the heat from the flames. Not the breeze from the wind. Not the ache in my stomach from not eating even though the occasional gurgling sound told everyone around me my body was hungry. The only thing that made itself prominent to me was the weight in my chest. It made everything heavy as if the gravity on the Earth was increased by a hundred. If that weren't enough, the smell made itself prevalent.
It was horrendous. Worse, we knew it was the smell of burning bodies and bones. 'To prevent a epidemic' they said it must be done. Part of me considered flinging myself into the fire.
Jean knelt down and picked up a piece of a burnt bone. "Sorry Marco," Another nail hammered into my heart. "I don't even know which of these bones are yours anymore." My nose began to tingle and without my permission, my lips quivered. I clenched my jaw to stop it. I should have been there. I briefly shut my eyes and sighed quietly.
"And where were you, huh?!" I screamed at Jean, my throat on fire and my eyes blinded through the ocean of tears. "Aren't you his best friend?! Where were you when he needed you the most?!" I slammed my hands against Jean's chest, pushing him back. It was obvious there were several emotions going through him at once but I didn't care. "Why is a piece of shit like you alive and Marco isn't?!"
I lowered my head, feeling my eyes sting now and tears once again threatening to spill over. I'm the piece of shit for even saying that to him. I know it's not Jean's fault. I just don't understand why it was Marco. Why it had to be any of them? We were all just joking and laughing not even a few days ago. How did it all come to this? I never even got to the chance to tell him.
"Hey guys," Jean started, making me realize he stood up again. "Question for you:" He turned to face us all but I couldn't look him in the eye. "So have you decided yet? Which regiment you're gonna join? I have." I didn't have to look up directly at him to see him shaking. I didn't even understand what he was getting at right now. "It'll be rough but... Damn it, I'm gonna join the Scouts!"
Taken back by the news, I snapped my head up to see tears rolling down his face. Why? All he and Marco talked about was going to the MP for years. Why is he changing his mind now? Jean was gripping his right hand, the same one I saw him pick up the burnt bone with, and then it dawned on me. He's doing it for Marco.
A single tear managed to escape and I quickly wiped it away but to no avail. Tears started pouring out of me again and I tried to wipe them all away but instead ended up covering my face and crumbling to my knees, bawling. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and assumed it was Lea, throwing my arms around her for comfort and to hide my face better.
Only to realize it wasn't Lea holding me since she was on my left, but Leon. I was confused but I don't care enough to question him right now. Everything came back tenfold, or perhaps it never left. All my thoughts I was able to cease all came barging in like starving animals and I didn't have the strength to stop them again.
I'll never hear Thomas pestering me again, or hearing Nack asking if we were alright. I'll never be able to scare Milieus for laughs again. I'll never never hear Mina complain about Commandant Sadies again or feel her brush my hair in our bunks anymore. I'll never see Marco's smile again. I'll never feel the comforting squeeze of his hands to let me know everything's gonna be okay. I'll never be able to hug him and breathe in the scent of wood and feel like I'm home. I knew they were all gone. And all I could do was cry helplessly. I cried, I wailed and I screamed. As loud as I could not caring to hide it anymore. I almost hoped that if I could scream and cry loud enough, Marco would hear and come back to me.
Everything passed in a blur since then. I don't know how long I sat in my bed. Hours? Days? I couldn't say. Lea would come in every now and then to offer me something to eat, and every time I'd brush it off. Still, she left a baked potato on the table nearby. I don't know what was going on. Needless to say, I didn't care either. All I could hear were my own thoughts and the last thing Marco said to me.
"Evie, wait!"
If only I had just listened for once. If I had just stood with him, he would still be here, wouldn't he?
Wouldn't he?
A knock came at the door, loud enough to cause me to look up and see the Section Commander from the other day standing in the doorway.
"You're Cadet Wolfe, correct?" They regarded me with sympathetic eyes behind their glasses. I nodded but didn't say anything else. They walked over to the edge of my bed, I half expected them to sit, but instead they dug into their pocket and pulled out a familiar leather notebook. "I believe this belongs to you." They held it out to me and I gratefully took it, my arm feeling much heavier than I remembered when I moved.
"Thank you." I muttered, clutching the book to my stomach and my eyes being drawn to the wooden floor.
For a sliver of a second, it felt as though a piece of me was returned. It was silent, and I'd assumed the Section Commander had left.
"I hope you don't mind," they started again, proving me wrong and making me drag my eyes back up to them. "But I peeked into it. Of course, there was no other way for me to know who it belonged to. I have to say though, I'm quite impressed with your attention to detail. It's a fine quality to have among the ranks and you've piqued my interest." I heard them but didn't understand why I was being told this. "Listen, I know you're grieving... but, well if you want to make a difference, my assistant Moblit will wait outside for your answer." With that, they gave me a small smile and walked out, leaving me with my thoughts once more.
Holding the notebook to my stomach a bit longer, the leather cover began to warm up from my bodyheat and the blanket I had around me. I let out a long sigh, carefully opening it up to my first written page. Part of me afraid if I were too rough, the book would crumble in my hands. It seemed everything else around me was crumbling anyway. I scanned over my first documentation, the page had a couple once-wet spots that had dried oddly and shifted the texture. No doubt they were tear stains, fresh from the incident at Shiganshina. I remember writing this as I was on the boat going into Wall Rose.
April 12th, 845
The Armored Titan robbed me of both my family and my home. I don't know what's going to happen to me now. There will probably be refugee areas for those of us coming from Wall Maria- those of us who made it at least. I don't know what happened to Teresa and Leon, I can only hope they survived. One thing I do know for certain, more than ever before, is I'm joining the Training Corps and I'm entering the Scout Regiment. It doesn't matter what I have to go through to reach my goal. I'll continue writing in this, taking in everything until the day comes I get to kill that armored abomination with my own hands.
I flipped through the pages, letting the pages flick off my thumb where I held it at the corners. I wrote at least once everyday: training procedures, positioning, strategies for taking down titans, different styles for using ODM gear, what we did the day of, talking about Annie, Mina, Leon, Lea, Nack, Sasha, Daz, Samuel, Milieus, Connie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Jean. It didn't matter if it was a few sentences or several paragraphs. I was documenting everything, and I still had more than enough pages to fill. I flipped through the blank section I had left before getting to the end, I had maybe another year in this.
Just before I got to the very end, I saw a page scribbled with something- and it wasn't my handwriting. It was a page before the back cover. Making my way to it again, my heart sank.
Evie,
We're only a few weeks away from graduation now. You left your book on the table, so I'm taking this opportunity. It seems like a lifetime yet an instant has passed since we met three years ago. It's strange, isn't it? How you meet someone and suddenly it's like your life has changed completely. Don't you dare cry when the day comes where we officially choose our regiment. As much as I worry about you being in the Scouts... I trust you know what you're doing, Captain. Even if you do cry, I'll be right there to hold you and kiss all those damn freckles, and we can stay like that for as long as we need to. It'll be just like before. You're coming back now, so I'll see you soon, okay?
Just thinking about it makes me miss you already.
Screw it, I love you.
Promise not to laugh and write to me as much as you can after graduation.
-M
Halfway through the letter, my hands had begun trembling and by the time I finished my vision was blurry with fresh tears again. I could practically hear his voice as if he were actually saying this to me. I couldn't stop myself from rereading one line. Screw it, I love you. I stared at it, reading it over and over again. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I was surprised I could still cry with all the screaming I'd done til it made my face puffy and throat raw. I couldn't hold it any longer and my tears spilled over, a pitiful whimper escaping from my lips without my permission. I hadn't the courage to tell him how I felt yet... And he wrote it even if he couldn't say it. I hugged the book to my chest, as if it were Marco himself. I had something of him. I all but crushed the book with my grasp, my brows pulled together and my jaw clenched as to not make another sound. For a moment, I stopped breathing. I thought I'd break my teeth by the intensity my teeth ground together. That the universe could dangle my happiness in my face for a few years and deceive me into believing things would be okay before ripping it away from my hands right in front of me. What did I do to deserve that? This world truly is a cruel place.
When did he write this exactly? What were we doing that day? My natural curiosity was immediately drowned out by my overwhelming guilt once again. Had I just turned back, he'd be here now. If I had known the gears of fate were turning in the wrong direction, I wouldn't have made the same decisions.
"I'm so sorry, Marco..."
I expended more of my tears before picking my face back up. I know I can't stay in this cabin for the rest of my life, as much as my heart isn't willing to do anything else let alone beat, I have to move forward. If not for me, for him. For all of them. Surely, if I don't start to move with a sense of purpose now, I'll be paralyzed by depression alone. I may as well be titan fodder then. I could almost hear the commandant shouting it at me as the thought passed. If I learned anything after Shiganshina, it's that having regrets don't offer any benefits by clinging onto them.
After finally standing up and putting myself together. I hurriedly finished up the buttons of my burgundy shirt and headed outside where the man, Moblit, who I recognized was scolding the Section Commander the other day, indeed awaited me. There was a pang of guilt seeing him standing there with his arms crossed and tapping his foot, his face didn't seem annoyed but his body language said otherwise.
I approached him, clearing my throat a bit as I did to catch his attention. I wasn't exactly sure what to say to him, so instead I gave him a curt nod. His brows were furrowed but they gave off the aura that he was more concerned than annoyed at waiting on me. What he was concerned about, is beyond me however. He gave me a dry smile before turning around and walking ahead, glancing over his shoulder at me as if to confirm I was joining him.
I followed behind him for awhile, not really paying much attention to my surroundings or the soldiers walking about. My mind was still in a haze from the past few days, it's almost been a week since the battle, and two days since the 'mop up'. I hated that term. As if we were simply cleaning a mess that was made and not mourning our losses. It seemed so derogatory and inhumane. What I did hear from some of the soldiers we passed was that Eren's already had his Trial and a decision from the Tribunal was made yesterday. Moblit finally stopped walking and that's when I finally tuned in, stopping short behind him.
We were at one of the Scout Barracks, Commander Erwin, Captain Levi and the Section Commander were among the faces I recognized as well as a few of the Scouts I assisted with capturing a titan, and then some I didn't know at all. Eren also was there, standing beside Commander Erwin at attention like everyone else. If Eren had noticed me, he didn't make it obvious.
"As you all may have heard by now, the Special Military's Tribunal reached a decision, meaning he will be joining the ranks of the Scout as a ward as of today." Erwin's voice hadn't wavered as he made his announcement as he gestured to Eren, who took a step before saluting.
"Eren Jaeger, at your service, sir!"
Erwin nodded. "It's my view that Eren represents humanity's best hope to defeat the titans. Our primary objective right now is to prove that I'm not wrong. Eren will be placed under Levi Squad's supervision, the rest of your positions will be decided in due course. That's all for now, dismissed." On cue, everyone saluted him before going about their business.
It was then Moblit motioned me forward, approaching the Section Commander who I'm now realizing never shared their name with me. I lagged behind a bit, seeing Erwin still lingering nearby as he spoke to Levi. I wasn't paying much attention to what the Section Commander and Moblit were saying or even the fact that Eren had joined their conversation as well. I silently willed Erwin and Levi to move a little- their intimidating aura was enough to keep me at bay for a bit before I noticed Eren wave at me and getting my attention. Without further hesitation, I walked over briskly giving Eren a small smile.
"But... Section Commander, Is it really okay to bring in rookies before they've officially completed their training?" Moblit voiced his concern, now understanding why he had that look on his face before when I showed my face.
The Section Commander gave a lighthearted chuckle, a hand propped on their waist.
"It's all been arranged by the powers that be, so no worries. And anyway," They redirected their gaze between Eren and I. "It'll be easier on you if you have some of your friends around, right, Eren?" Eren nodded before they continued, looking pointedly at me. "Alright, I'll leave you two to catch up a bit. I'll just be over here when you're done, I have something I wanna show you."
And with that, they walked off with Moblit being close behind. I tilted my head after them.
"They're... A little strange, no?" I mumbled, a little too low that I wasn't sure if Eren even heard me.
"From what I can tell so far, the Scouts are full of weirdos." He replied, proving that he had heard me. "I really am glad you're here though." I could tell he was smiling even before I faced him, which made me return a smile of my own. Before I could reply however, he continued. "Speaking of, I heard that Section Commander Hange picked you out personally. I wonder why though, I mean the others got good grades too so..."
Hange. I repeated the name in my head to remember it. Well he wasn't wrong. I wasn't even in the top ten, so it doesn't make sense why I was picked out. Though, I could tell by the look on his face he was hoping it was Mikasa picked out as that would've made more sense. Picked me out personally...? Lights were flashing in my head, clearing out the mental fog as I reached for my journal from the inside pocket of my jacket. I could only stare at the leather cover of it; designed with a single tree in the center, the branches spreading out. It always reminded me of the sun rays when you attempted look directly at it.
"Isn't that... Your notebook?" Eren asked, a bit confused as I brushed my thumb over the grooves of the tree softly.
"Yeah. My father gave me this right before the titans broke Wall Maria, it was originally my mother's. I wrote in it all the time, for the past five years. I lost it while we were defending Trost, but the Section Commander returned it to me earlier and said my attention to detail was something they needed in the ranks. I'm thinking... Maybe this is why they picked me out."
This was all on a whim of just a single one-sided conversation of course. Maybe they wanted someone to document everything. Didn't they have someone to do that already? It's the only thing that makes the most logical sense right now, and considering how out of touch I've been the past few days- I needed some kind of logical answers. Eren was quiet too, as if he were also pondering this- or his own situation.
I had actually completely forgotten about that, I was so focused on everything else. I was smacked upside the head with that guilt again and blinked hard realizing Eren had his own problems to worry about on top of being looked at with suspicion by everyone now. Even me not that long ago. With that fresh reminder, I tucked my journal away again and looked up at the brunet.
"Are you okay?" Was the only appropriate question I thought to ask him, and I blurted it out.
He nodded, his green eyes silently thanked me while his expression changed to one of determination. "Yeah. In any case, we both got what we wanted. We're in the Scouts now. I'm definitely gonna give it my all-"
"Eren." The sharp voice that could only belong to Levi called, cutting Eren off. "Let's go. This isn't a reunion." Levi barely moved his half lidded eyes to look at me, not exactly caring if I was there or not.
"Right! Sorry, sir!" Eren called back, clearly shaken up by his new supervisor, before looking back at me. "Gotta go, I'll see you later." And before I could say my goodbyes, he ran off.
"We'll be in touch soon Eren!" I heard Hange's voice call behind me, making me turn to see them and Moblit walking over to me; Hange waved maniacally in the air after him while Moblit just seemed exhausted if his furrowed brows, low eyes and frown were anything to go by. Hange looked back at me, the sun glaring off their glasses and obscuring their eyes. It almost made me uncomfortable. "Now then. Do you remember when we first met?"
I stared at them for a moment, recalling the event to mind. "Yes... When I almost died?" I deadpanned.
However, they weren't effected by my tone, instead pulling my arm along to follow both them and Moblit to another isolated location.
"Exactly! So with your help, we now have two titans in custody and I intend to conduct experiments to better understand and get acquainted with the things we fear the most."
As they dragged me along and gushed in excitement about their plans, I couldn't help but twist my face in confusion.
"Understand the titans...? How do you figure doing that?" What I really wanted to ask was what the hell they mean by understand? What is there to understand? Suddenly I found myself thinking about the lesson on titans back in the academy. How they don't devour people to sustain themselves- but simply because they can. How it always made me wonder why.
"I knew you were the right choice, a fellow inquisitive mind indeed." Hange seemed to have glowed at my musings, making them hum in glee as we turned a corner and came face to face with a large perimeter sealed off by a green sheet- I assume to conceal from any nearby civilians that they had titans within the walls. "Naturally, we'll start with a battery of tests. All I need you to do is observe and document."
Hange released my arm the closer we got to the opening to enter, obvious eagerness in their step as their paced picked up.
Moblit replaced Hange at my side within a breath. "I really am sorry about the Section Commander's eccentricity and how sudden all of this is on you considering you haven't even met the rest of Hange Squad yet."
I flashed him a genuine smile, the first one I actually had in the past few days. "That's okay, I don't mind actually. This is helping to keep my mind busy, and I'd like to contribute in any way I can to the cause." Moblit fell silent, but he had a small smile as if he were glad I wasn't put off by Hange's antics.
We followed Hange into the sealed perimeter, seeing a squadron or two of Garrison solders standing near the cloth walls either shifting around anxiously or fidgeting. And who could blame them? Dead center were in fact two titans, as Hange said. One with blond hair, sitting up right though it's legs were flopped on its sides. I'd estimate it to be about four meters. It had abnormally long arms that slumped on the ground mirroring that of its legs. What caught my attention most was the metal beams it was sitting in the center of, with what I believed to be ropes either nailed into the ground around the titan or on the metal beams. The ropes wrapped around the titan's neck, like a tied down dog. Once I examined more, I could see they also nailed down the titans arms and legs to the ground- which would probably explained the odd positioning it's in. It sat there heaving. Panting like a dog, honestly. Its whole body rocked from the action. It made me wonder if this was a response to due being around so many humans and not being able to act. Would one call it a primal desire?
"Hello, beautiful." Hange cooed, standing before the blond titan.
The other titan, I recognized. It was the one I helped with the capture, the seven meter. Brown pushed back hair with matching eyes. It was more or less in the same condition as the first, except it was laying on it's stomach, it's head on its side facing the left. Nails hammered down into it's body and the ropes were around its neck all the same. Even though in this predicament, it was still smiling just as wide as a few days ago. It was also panting, but not as heavily as the first. If anything, it was simply breathing heavily. It didn't seem as active as the blond titan but I knew better seeing that one in action firsthand. I noticed on both titans, the skin was almost translucent; semitransparent. I could see different colored veins spread out across its body like intricate spiderwebs. How odd, seeing them up close now and being able to make out these things. Immediately, I pulled out my journal and the pencil I had replaced my old one with, needing to write what I was witnessing.
"How are we feeling?" Hange asked the blond titan as it heaved. "Do you have a name? Are you in pain?" I continued to write but I felt my forehead wrinkle in confusion.
Hange spoke to them in an oddly kind manner. They didn't even seem to fear them, unlike the Garrison who stood around me with bated breath and clutching their pikes. I was working on the second page already from today's entry for this experiment. My emotions in the matter will have to wait til later.
"Section Commander! You're too close!" Moblit shouted, now cautiously diagonal from Hange when I glanced up. Hange seemed the exact opposite, not being cautious at all. A mere half a step, maybe two, away from the titan. Arms behind their back and they were slightly bent forward. I felt my body stiffen at the sight, but I didn't stop writing. That is why I'm here after all.
Hange seemed to shrug Moblit off with a cheerful laugh, walking across the way to the other titan and passing me in the process- since I hadn't moved from being in the center after walking in a little past the Garrison soldiers.
They bent over a bit, placing their hands on their knees for support. "Hi there! Lovely weather, don'tcha think? Are you hungry?"
As if to answer, the brunet titan instantly snapped its jaws at Hange, lunging forward enough to reach them if Moblit hadn't yanked her back to where he and I had stood. Hange had screamed alongside with the Garrison collectively gasping altogether, while some had opted to step forward with their pikes.
Did it respond to Hange's question or just a natural reaction being so close to a human? Currently inconclusive. I jotted down after noting the description of said titans and documenting Hange's questions
"Whoa, that was close!" Hange squealed, almost in delight.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Moblit scolded.
Even then, Hange already began inching forward once more. Before they could get as close as they were before, the titan snapped its jaws again in place. Something in the back of my mind told me I would be filled with worry wrinkles myself in the near future due to Hange's quirkiness, now I fully get why Moblit seems to have it etched into his features. Though now, I can see that the titan's previous smile was replaced with a frown- or at least a neutral face. The creepy smile was gone and I found that interesting. Do titans have control over their facial expressions? Was it upset that it couldn't reach Hange? I jotted these questions down.
The sun started to set, giving the area a slight amber hue. By this time, Hange had pushed their glasses onto their forehead and begun pacing between both titans, keeping a fair distance this time. I wasn't sure what to think of Hange before, appearance-wise. I still don't. But seeing their bare face now, I couldn't help but see beauty in their ambiguity.
"Once upon a time, many centuries ago now, there lived a vicious tribe of cannibals." Hange begun telling a tale to the titans, though by some of the Garrison's groans behind me, they've heard it before more than enough. "You may think I'm speaking of your kind, but in fact, these cannibals were human." As I stood there, mirroring Hange in her pacing so my legs wouldn't get tired as I wrote everything down, I wasn't sure how I felt about this situation. A part of me wanted to believe Hange was being ridiculous. The titans couldn't understand us. They wouldn't speak back to us. They had some such primal instinct only to kill us. And yet, another part of me, the annoyingly curious part that craved answers shared Hange's passion for discovery. After all, who says one of them couldn't possibly respond back one day? Hell, Eren could turn into one. That alone has already shaken everyone within the walls. How long has Hange been at experimentations? What's been keeping them consistent?
At that, I realized I had stopped writing being lost in thought and started doubly up again tuning back into Hange's tale. Though hearing the Garrison's soldiers complain behind me was slightly distracting.
"We gotta go through this thing again?"
"Her naming scheme is so weird."
This caught me off guard in two ways. They referred to Hange as a woman and the fact that there was a naming scheme at all. I made a small note at the top of the page I was working on. Hange; Male? Female? Garrison seems to think female. Will ask directly later.
"What did she end up going with last time?" The soldiers continued.
"It was Chikatilo and Albert."
I blinked hard at my page, jotting down the names of the apparent last titans here. Albert seemed very anticlimactic.
"In the end, these cannibals subsisted on human meat for twenty-five years give or take." Hange continued, pausing in their pacing. "Historians suspect they killed somewhere around five hundred people during that time. That's probably more victims the two of you have gorged on combined. To their credit though, they perfected the art of preparing flesh. Steaks cut from hind-quarter meat." At this, the soldiers began making sounds of disgust and detestability. I noticed the brunet titan had switched its expression again to that of a smile, its tongue slightly protruding out. My brow cocked at that, making note of it at the mention of humans being food. "Leg meat diced and added to stew. Belly fat ground into patties and fried. Sausages made from blood clots and intestinal lining." I heard a soldier somewhere behind me gag, then jog a short distance to hurl.
"In fact, one might even suggest they furthered the culinary arts. In that respect they were distinct from you. Alas, this tribe of gourmandizing cannibals were caught and executed by the providence of a single mistake. So in that respect, you aren't so dissimilar." I found it slightly amusing how a few of us were able to easily ignore the vomiting man, and how Hange could speak of such a subject so casually, almost in a cheery tone at that. They weren't facing me but it was pretty easy to tell they were in fact smiling. "You both underestimated your quarry's resourcefulness and wound up captured. Victims of your own appetite."
Then I understood Hange's reason for smiling, it was out of triumph. Humans no longer being at the top of the foodchain and yet we were able to fight back, defeat and even capture our predators. I couldn't help but laugh through my nose at the realization. Hange began walking forward now, towards the titans.
"In honor of the cannibal tribe's notorious leader, I'm going to christen you beauties accordingly." Hange shoved her finger near the blond titan's face. It hasn't seemed to do much of anything since we've been here besides pant like that. "You'll be Sawney." Then she turned and pointed at the brunet titan, not getting too close to that one again. "You are Beane." As if they had won, they propped their hand back on their hip again. "No need to fret though. I'm not going to publicly disembowel you or burn you at the stake." Hange reached over and touched Sawney's finger gently. "Pleasure to meet you, Sawney." And then she repeated their action with the latter. "Likewise, Beane." I held my breath to see if Beane would react, as it had previously. But Hange had pulled back before then. "Let's be chums, huh?"
I tilted my head at the Section Commander. They really are strange. But I don't think it's a bad thing at all honestly. I found myself smirking at the scene and a voice in my head thought it strange to be smiling at all in front of a titan. Maybe I'm just as strange then.
Hange sighed then, turning to us and bringing me out of my thoughts once more. "Alright, I'm ready. Pass me a pike." Without missing a beat, Moblit approached them with two pikes, one for himself and one for Hange.
Moblit looked at me then with a strange expression. "You might want to stand back."
Being the newbie here, I obliged his request. Hange didn't do anything for a moment. As if they were preparing themselves. With another sigh, I heard a low, "I'm sorry." Before Hange suddenly charged at Beane, stabbing the dagger end of the pike into its eye. Blood splattered on the ground and before long it began to vaporize. Beane let out a roar from the pain it felt, writhing as it did so. What surprised me more was Hange screaming as well as if they were also being stabbed.
"It isn't necessary for you to scream, Section Comma-" Moblit began to say but Hange snapped their head at them and from the side of their face, I could see Hange had streams of tears rolling down their face.
"I can't do this and not scream, damn you!" They shouted with their eyes squeezed shut. It baffled me a bit to see them feel this much empathy for titans. Still, I continued to take my notes on Beane's reaction to pain. "Look at him! He's in absolute agony!" Hange pulled out the pike, wiping at their tear filled eyes. "My poor Beane! I'm so sorry! Hang in there!" Once again, Hange stabbed Beane again, the titan screaming and seemingly shaking the very foundation of the ground we stood on. It's genuinely as though this hurt Hange more than Beane.
After a moment, we moved along to Sawney. Hange approached it, sniffling as they did so. Beane was beginning to steam up, meaning the wound that was inflicted was beginning to regenerate. They repeated the process of charging at Sawney and stabbing it presumably where its heart would've been. Though Hange screamed as they did it, Sawney had little to no reaction. This made Hange stop with their wails.
"Sawney? Sweetpea, I've skewered you through the heart." They twisted the pike, attempting to gauge a reaction but nothing changed. Making my little notes, I continued to observe. "Does it not hurt, dear? Don't you feel that?" The most Sawney did was lean forward and resume it's odd grunting. It leaned a bit closer to Hange who took notice. "Go on, talk to me." However, Sawney was leaning down to take a bite out of them, Hange seen this in time and jumped back with a scream.
"For the love of God, stand clear!" Moblit reprimanded, for what was probably the billionth time. Hange began laughing but Moblit clearly wasn't amused at the situation by the scowl on his face.
"You almost got me that time, didn't ya, darling?" Hanged continued to laugh, holding their stomach as they did so.
"You want your head chomped off?!" As Moblit scolded them, I noted next to Sawney's pain reaction; Sneaky.
When Hange calmed down from laughing, they reached up and pulled down their glasses so it was over their brown eyes again. With a sigh, more lighthearted than the previous one, Hange looked at me.
"I apologize you had to see that, but this is the only way to learn if they have any weaknesses apart from their napes." Their voice took on a more serious tone, almost melancholic. "I don't enjoy putting them through anymore more pain than necessary. But we need to find a new way to deal with this enemy, one not guided by contempt and fear but by knowledge." They paused a moment, before smiling at me. "That's my stance on it anyways."
"I understand." I said with a nod and a soft smile of my own.
I partially understood what they meant anyway. While I agree we need to know more about the titans to deal with them accordingly, I don't think I could ever find myself in a position to cry over a titan if I had injured it let alone killed it. I let out a steady breath. I just... I can't just let go of all this resentment I feel towards them. If only it were that simple.
Hange spun around to the rest of the soldiers with a grin as the sun waned even more, turning to night. "Alright, time for sensory deprivation!" The soldiers, knowing what Hange meant, began to scatter to grab two large off white cloths. I realized then as the soldiers tossed it over the titans that the beams that restrained Sawney and Beane via ropes weren't it's only purpose, but also a foundation for a tent.
"Because the titans are less active at night." I mused outloud to myself, but Hange had heard me and was pointing at me excitedly.
"Yes! We figured from past experiments that since they are mostly less active at night, the sun is likely a vital source of energy for them." Hange chirped at me.
"Like photosynthesis?" I blurted out accidentally, but Hange's eyes lit up nonetheless.
"Precisely!"
We beamed at each other for a moment before my smiled faltered realizing their words. "Mostly at night?"
Hange nodded, and then turned to a Garrison soldier who held a lantern out to them. They took it and walked over to the first tent where Sawney was, motioning me to follow. Though I was wary of the situation still dealing with titans, I followed still. My spirit of inquiry outweighing my fear. As we walked in the tent, it was practically pitch black save for the lit lantern Hange held.
"Due to past experiences, we've seen titans react differently in the nocturnal hours versus during the day. Some gradually become dormant until the sun rises again, while others are still pretty well active into the long hours of the night. I'll come here myself with Moblit when it's actually nightfall to see the difference with this makeshift night sky and when it actually is- to test their body's internal clock as well." Hange explained to me, making me nod in return as I scribble the experimentation process.
"As you can see, Sawney starts to get sluggish with the lack of sun." Hange looked up at the titan, a soft smile on their face as Sawney seemed to start dozing off. Prompting me to scribble another question on my page. Do titans sleep? "Well done, Sawney. See you in the morning. Sweet dreams, you big lug." After, we ventured into the next tent- which I wasn't too keen on considering Beane's activity today. But as they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
We had hovered in its tent for awhile, waiting to see the change we saw in Sawney. But it never occurred. Beane seemed restless, fidgeting on the ground and staring at us with those brown eyes that glowed the same amber as the sky earlier. My nose flared at it's smiling expression again, like it's just dying to eat us already.
"Normally, I'd stay here all night until he quiets down some more. But I think it's about time we head back. Plus I need to go speak to Eren about conducting experiments with his titan form." Hange explained as we left the tent. A lot of the Garrison soldiers that were here have all cleared out, save for the guards posted outside of the perimeter.
"Experiments on Eren?" I repeatedly stupidly.
I was thrown off by the statement. I was more concerned about the pain dissection for him than the rest, we don't know what that will do to his physical human body if we- I went to open my mouth to give voice to my thoughts but Hange started before me.
"We'll be careful, I promise." Hange told me with a smile as we walked through the night road. "If he agrees to it, which I hope he does, we'll only gauge what both we and he can do at the present time. And you'll be there too, so it's not like I'll be doing any of this behind your back. So you can also speak your concerns on anything we do."
"I see, thank you. It really means a lot to me." I sighed, feeling some of the weight of her previous statement lift. It was quiet for a moment before Hange gasped, making me jump.
"Ah! I'm just coming to the realization that I recruited you and we've been together all day but I never properly introduced myself!" They cleared their throat. "I'm Section Commander Hange Zoe, Squad Leader of the Titan Research Conduction and Innovative Inventions Division. Or, put simply, Fourth Squad." They beamed at me brightly and I couldn't help but to return it, the smile from them feeling contagious.
"My name's Evely Wolfe... Though you already knew that from my journal, huh?" I chuckled nervously at my late awareness.
Hange laughed, "Yeah, but it's still nice to have real introductions."
The air fell silent between us again, the only sound were some crickets off into the distance and the crunch of our footsteps. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but I was slightly antsy about what Eren said earlier.
"Section Commander Hange?"
"Yes?" They replied swiftly.
"I..." I made a wry face at myself, it felt pretty dumb to ask the question outloud but I know it would bother me all night. "May I ask why did you recruit me?"
It grew quiet again and I feared there may not have been an actual reason all along. I wasn't sure why I was disappointed in the thought. Finally, they spoke.
"You reminded me of someone I would have liked to meet." They said slowly considering their words. "Does that make sense?" I guess my face looked perplexed as it made them chuckle a bit when we reached the Scouts Barracks again. "It's better if I show it to you then." Still unsure of what they were talking about, I silently followed them inside and through some corridors until we entered a room, which I assumed was their office of some sort.
Everything was terribly organized in a mess, though given what I saw of Hange's personality today, I'm not all that surprised or bothered by it. We weaved through the stacks and piles of books all over the room, passing a bed nearby before reaching one of three desks. The one we were at only had a small stack of books on the side, but it was pretty empty besides. Hange reached over and grabbed a red covered book before turning to me.
"A year ago, we recovered a notebook from outside the walls. It contained entries and documentation of a Scout by the name of Ilse Langnar, she kept track of everything happening around her. Since recovering and reading through her experiences, we've gained some incredible information that furthered my passion for Titan Research even more." Hange sighed then, a faraway look in their soft brown eyes now. "She perished outside of the walls. Bringing her cape and book back, I had decided to return them to her family. But not before I recounted her notes in here." Hange handed the book out to me and I slowly accepted it. "Back to your question. I chose you because when I found your notebook and read through it, it reminded me of Ilse. The fact that you two share this drive to learn more about the world and can draw your own conclusions with critical thinking as well as your observation skills. A desire to make a change in the world. I know you two aren't the same person, but you both hold some valuable qualities this world could use right now." She gestured to my notebook tucked away in my jacket. "Because that book could lead to future revelations, Evely. Because we need driven people like you."
I was in such a state of shock hearing this from a superior, and one that handpicked me on purpose at that. I wasn't sure if I should grin at this praise or cry from it. My chest wanted to explode with the giddy feeling that bubbled up inside, but instead settled for a humbling, "Thank you." Before Hange gestured at the red book they'd given me.
"You can read through it here if you'd like. After all, it is research." They smiled at me again, starting to walk out the way we came. "You can stay here the night, it's starting to get pretty late. I'll be off to see Eren." And just like that, they were gone. I ended up slumping down in the chair at the empty desk. My legs screaming from finally being able to relax and get off my feet. I let out a yawn, stretching my back as I did so and then putting the book on the table. I turned to the first page and began reading through Ilse's accounts.
I don't know when I fell asleep, but I never moved to the bed there. I found myself being shaken awake firmly, not insanely rough but not gentle enough that I wouldn't find this annoying. Though I was more grateful getting taken out of my slumber, I was having a dream where I was the titan Hange ended up conducting experiments on next. When I could finally open my eyes through a blurry vision, I saw light brown hair that was slightly parted in the middle paired with light brown worrisome eyes. I had only been here a day and I knew who this was immediately.
"Hey!... Hey! Where's Section Commander Hange?" Moblit asked, still trying to get me to fully wake up. I squinted at him through my hair and my arm before squeezing my eyes shut.
"Mm... went to go see Eren last night." I murmured, forgetting my manners completely.
"Damn it." Moblit cursed under his breath, pacing the room frantically- and noisily may I add. I was beginning to get irritated with the obnoxious shuffling about but he stopped suddenly. "Okay, come on. We have to go." Moblit stated firmly, giving me a good shake again and forcing me to lean back in the chair and sit up.
"Where are we going?" I asked, my sense coming back to me that Moblit was technically my superior as well.
"To get the Section Commander, both of the test subjects have been killed."