word count: 2.3k
warnings: death of a child (but no description of the event)
work is almost never easy. running around an ER and being a trauma surgeon doesn't really make for good days. sure, there are moments when we save a patient and they get to walk out of the hospital with a smile. but other days, families leave without the person they drove to the hospital for just a minor concern. those are the days that i lock myself in a bathroom after someone dies on my table and just cry until i get paged for another surgery.
there's days where i'm the one who feels like i've lost a family member, where i go home and mourn the loss of a patient. and sure, there's days where no one dies and i can save a life, then i go home and have dinner with my husband and have a good nights sleep.
but those days rarely happen. i'm good at what i do and i know it, hit theres day where a patient is past the point of return, where a resident makes a mistake that i have to take the blame for, where a small black spot is missed in a ct scan and the patient dies before we realize the issue. those days happen more often than i want to think about.
i drag myself home on those days, choking back tears and ignoring the rumbling in my stomach as i recognize that i haven't eaten in my entire sixteen hour shift. and those are the days that i clench my jaw to keep myself from breaking down and getting into a car accident.
and those are the days, days like today, where i don't have the energy to even hang up my bag or put my keys in the bowl when i open the door. where all i can do is just try to keep my knees from buckling and try not to trip over the carpet.
the silence in the house is almost suffocating and a bit alarming, and the red flags in my head start to fly. i suddenly have a new surge of energy, sprinting up the stairs, eyes frantically scanning across the doors in the hallway.
i find a bedroom door cracked open, a soft glow shining into the hallway. i creep forward, trying to keep the floorboards from creaking, and pushing the door open further.
spencer has his back to me as he bounces the baby in his arms, shushing and cooing quietly, despite a silent baby. i watch for a moment and let my heart swell up, and my presence is only discovered when spencer bounces around in a full circle, smiling as he finds me in the doorway.
"hi," he whispers, placing his large hand atop david's head.
"hi," i whisper back, stepping inside and closing the door a bit. "is he okay?"
spencer nods, adjusting his hold. "he was just a little fussy. nothing to worry about."
"are you sure?" i place my hand atop his, staring down at david's chubby cheeks and pouting lips and closed eyes. "are you sure he doesn't have a fever or a-"
"he's fine," spencer insist, narrowing his eyes at me. the bouncing stops, and he presses himself into my side. "are you okay?"
i just keep my eyes down on my child, smiling when he hiccups and cuddles up against spencer's shoulder. the tears well up in my eyes, and when i place my finger on top of david's tiny hand, that is clutching spencer's cardigan, he grabs my finger and squeezes. just like the day he was born.
"no," i answer, despite the small smile on my face, "but he's so cute, isn't he? i can't believe we made him."
"do you wanna talk about it?" spencer asks, slowly walking back to the crib and placing david down. he only fusses a little bit, letting out a whine and releasing my finger from his grasp.
spencer places his hands on my waist and leads me out of the room, but not after turning the baby monitor up all the way, just in case. i move towards the next door over, pink glowing under the door, but spencer catches my waist and keeps me from it.
"honey," he says, in that tone that means he means business, "what happened?"
"can i see my daughter?" the tears start to come now, pouring down my cheeks before i can try to hold them back again.
"no, we need to talk."
i struggle against his hold on me, pushing spencer's arms. "i really would just like to see my daughter. please."
"you cannot run away from your issues," spencer tries to keep his cool and refrain from raising his voice at all, not wanting to wake the two children who are sleeping right inside these doors. but i know that i'm a lot to deal with when i'm upset and spencer's patience quickly runs thin with me.
"spencer," i whip around, finally pulling his hands off of me. "let me go see abigail. please."
he sighs, nodding and gesturing towards the door, adorned with pink feathers and a sign with abigails name on it. she's such a girly girl, it's surprising. spencer and i never really raised her following gender stereotypes, we didn't shove pink and princesses and unicorns down her throat, but that's the route she chose to go down.
i creep into her room, careful not to let too much light in. but the purple walls are illuminated by a unicorn night light that aunt penelope insisted on purchasing her on their last day out, replacing the turtle light that she bought when abigail was born.
but despite how quiet i am, abigail starts to stir, clutching her stuffed frog in her arms and rolling over. she's dressed in her queen elsa themed pajamas, fabric wrinkled and crumpled from, hopefully, a few hours of tossing and turning in her sleep.
"mommy?" she murmurs, squinting her eyes at me.
"hi, baby," i whisper, sitting on the side of the bed and pushing her hair out of her face. "i just wanted to come say hi to you. i haven't seen you all day."
"daddy said you were working," abigail scoots down, resting her head in my lap and smiling when my nails scratch against her scalp.
"i was working, but i'm home now. and i'm gonna be home tomorrow too so-"
"so you and daddy can take me to school?" her face lights up, bringing her frog to her chest in excitement.
"you're so smart, peanut," i poke her nose, getting a laugh in response. "okay, now let's get you back to bed before daddy comes in and makes you."
"okay, mommy," she yawns, crawling back under her duvet. i pull the fluffy, pink duvet up to her chin and place a kiss to her forehead. "goodnight, mommy."
"goodnight, abby," i kiss her once more before i stand from the bed and leave the room, closing the door as quietly as i possibly can.
i let my head fall against the bedroom door, hand clutching the knob and tears welling in my eyes. the tears start to fall now, the ones i've been choking down all day.
"baby," spencer is at my side again, putting his hand atop mine and pulling it away from the doorknob, "come on, let's go to bed."
he leads me away and to our bedroom, and he can barely even close the door before i collapse in his arms in tears. spencer holds me to his chest as we fall to the floor, my body completely on top of his and my head tucked in his shoulder.
"it's okay, everything's okay. everyone is okay," spencer coos, rocking my back and forth and pushing my hair back.
"she looked just like abby," i cry, digging my nails into the fabric of his tee shirt. "with her stupid curly hair and her light up shoes and she was wearing a pink tee shirt when she came in and she fucking died on the table! she died right in front of me!"
"but abby is okay. you just talked to her and you hugged her and you kissed her," i always use this method with him when he's upset about a case. i remind him of what he has instead of the things he lost, and while it usually works with him, it doesn't work with me.
"i killed a child, spencer! i was in the OR for six hours performing this surgery and i still couldn't save her."
"you've said this to me before, some patients have cases that are past the point of return. you're an amazing surgeon and you do everything you can to help them. you can't save every single person. you're only one woman."
i squeeze my eyes shut, trying to forget the image of the little girl on my table, looking so tiny and so innocent, with a mother and father in the waiting room, coddling a tiny baby boy. and i'm trying to forget the looks on their faces when i had to tell them that their child will never sleep another night in her bed, or have another dinner with them, or live to see her brothers first birthday because i couldn't save her in time. and i try to forget the way that i saw my daughter in this child's smile and in the way she stomped around in her hospital room just so she could giggle at the lights in her shoes.
"i know you want to save everyone," he quiets his voice now, "and sometimes you do save everyone who comes into your ER. but some days, you don't. sometimes, there's nothing a medical professional can do to save someone."
"i could've saved her. and i didn't."
spencer sighs, kissing the top of my head and unraveling his arms. "jump in a shower and get some pajamas on, okay? i'll meet you in bed."
confused and still crying, i nod. spencer helps me to my feet and gestures towards the bathroom, going over to the closet to pull out a pair of pajamas. i shower just long enough to wash my hair and wash the grimy feeling off my skin- five minutes tops. so i step out and put on the pajamas spencer picked for me and braid my hair so my pillow won't get too wet.
when i return to the bedroom, i find my husband walking into the room with abigail in his arms, whispering something to her and holding her frog so it won't fall. his other hand is holding her nightlight, and he bends down to plug it into the wall.
"do you mind if we have an intruder tonight?" spencer teases, crawling into bed and settling abigail right between where we lay.
"of course not," i almost sprint to my side of the bed, bundling under the covers and pulling abigail closer to me. she immediately curls up against my chest and her little hand grabs ahold of my shirt, squeezing between her fingers. there's already some drool on her cheek that will probably get on me but i really couldn't care less. i just hold her against me and kiss her head and let her freezing cold toes press against my thighs.
spencer turns off any light that isn't a nightlight and gets in beside us, pulling the covers tight so we will all stay warm during the night. he joins me in kissing abigail's head, then leans over her and kisses me. "goodnight, my girls."
"goodnight, daddy. again," abigail jokes tiredly, rolling over onto his back. "can i have another kiss, daddy?" she looks up at him with such innocent eyes and a pout on her face that i can see him crumble within a half second. he's such a pushover for his kids. abigail has him wrapped around her little finger.
spencer leans down and kisses all over her face, eliciting giggles and more squirms as she tries to push him away. "alright, alright," he gives in, kissing her forehead once more, "it's really late for you, little miss, and you've got school tomorrow so we gotta get to bed."
abigail's laughter dulls as she settles back into the mattress, laying her head on my pillow and closing her eyes. and i know that spencer is vying for her to get to sleep again, but i just can't let that happen yet. i bring my hand to her hair, smoothing it down and laying my head right in front of hers.
"mommy loves you," i whisper, and she smiles. spencer watches me carefully. "i love you so, so much, abby. you know that, right?"
"i love you too, mommy," she looks up at me with her big brown eyes that she inherited from her father. "did you have a sad day at work? because when daddy has a sad day at work, he tells me he loves me a extra lot."
spencer and i share a knowing look because she's completely right. we are more alike that we care to admit, and abigail is a very perceptive child.
"i did have a sad day," i say softly, "but you're making me feel better, love."
"okay, good," she cuddles up to my side, wrapping her arms around my waist instead of around her frog. "cuddles always make me feel better when i'm sad."
i smile over her at spencer, whose eyes are threatening to fall closed, despite him always complaining that he can't sleep with any light in the room. but still, he reaches over abigail's little body and grabs my hand.
"cuddles make mommy feel better too," spencer says, moving his arm around both of us to hold his girls closer. "it's bedtime, loves. count your sheep, abby."
"one, two, three," she counts so quietly i barely even hear her. spencer holds in his chuckle and watches as abigails words get quieter and slower, until eventually, she's fast asleep in our arms.
"thank you," i whisper to spencer, wiggling my arm from under abigails head so i can touch his face. "that really helped."
"i'm glad. now get some sleep, doctor. we'll be here when you wake up."