Colby's hand stays on my belly, holding me close to him. I smile to myself as he caressed me. I miss my home. I miss my mom. I miss seeing Ethan everyday. You would think after a month, I would be okay. But, I'm not. I wished I never had sex. It ruined me, it ruined him. I love the baby, and I'm going to always love the baby, but why now? Why not years from now when I'm with a boy I'm in love with, steady and married. That's how I always thought life would go.
I look over at Colby, who's eyes are shut. He's not asleep, but he's comfortable. I sigh quietly, turning over on my side. His arm stays wrapped around me. "You okay?" He mummers.
"Yeah," I tell him with a small voice. He leans up, moving my hair away from my face. I look at him with a soft smile. His hand stays on my cheek, where he places a light kiss. His mouth moves down to my neck, his lips barely touching my skin. His hand moves down my body, resting on the inside of my thighs. He continues to kiss me, slowly moving his way to my chest. He pulls my shirt up, kissing my belly, then up to my bra. "Colby," I sigh.
"What's wrong?" His eyebrows furrow as he pulls away from me.
I feel tears whelp in my eyes, "I'm not-" I sniffle, "My body isn't the same. I'm not good enough for you." I whisper.
He shakes his head no, I flip back onto my back to look at him, "You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen," he whispers. I wipe my tear away and lean up, getting out of bed quickly. "Katelyn," he groans.
"I'm just going to the bathroom," I smile at him. My heart races as I make my decision. He won't know if it's small. He lays horizontally on his bed, his arms and head hanging off one side. He nods at me with bloodshot eyes.
I leave his room and go to the bathroom, which is across the hall. I open "my" drawer and take out the razor.
*TW*
I pull my pants down, looking at my thigh for a moment. I press the razor down and move it slowly, the blood beginning to leave a trail. I sigh in relief and pain. I deserve it. I got pregnant at 17 with a boy I barely know. I'm a horrible person. Horrible people deserve pain.
I look in the mirror, my bump barely showing through. Soon enough it'll be noticeable. Then, I'm going to have to tell people. Imani doesn't even know yet. I've been ignoring her for weeks. I know she's going to be disappointed. She's been blowing my phone up, wondering why we haven't spoken. I haven't even seen her at school. I'm so worried I'll lose her. I've lost everything, I don't want to lose her too.
It would be nice to have my friend though. I need to tell her soon, very soon. I want her to know before anybody notices. How would she feel if she knew I was lying to her?
I finish in the bathroom, being careful to put my pants over my cuts.
I walk back into the room, Colby now asleep on his side. I lay back down, snuggling into my pillow quietly. He pulls me closer, holding me tightly. The tears still fall down my face, my chest rises harshly when I try to stay calm. I don't want Colby to wake up. He'll be upset. Not mad at me, but upset that I'm sad. He would think he's not doing a good job.
"Go to sleep," he mummers. I just from his voice.
"S-sorry," I whisper. I feel him love beside me, pushing up to see me better.
"What's wrong?" He asks me, pushing my hair away from my face.
"I'm sorry, I'm just emotional. I'm okay," I give him a fake smile.
"No, Katelyn, talk to me. Please? We're supposed to be partners, we need to be open with each other. About everything." I roll my eyes to his response, but turn over to face him. His face stays above mine as he hovers over me slightly.
"I don't want to upset you." My lips turn to a frown as my cheeks heat up more.
"You won't, I promise you. This is a safe place, you're safe." His eyebrows furrow and he kisses my head. It helps calm me for a moment.
"I just wished this never happened." My hand reaches up and plays with his shirt.
"The baby? Or me?" He says quietly. I knew he would be upset.
"Neither. I'm happy that I have you, and I'm happy that I'm going to have your baby. I wished we were in a good place. I wish we were in our careers, graduated and married. Not 17, barely making it out of high school." I keep my eyes from his.
"I know, the timing sucks, but you don't have to be worried. I got us, I'm going to take care of us."
"I know," I tell him, a tear seeping down.
"Don't worry, okay? It's all going to play out. We're going to be okay." He smiles. He kisses my lips softly, then my head once more. "I love you." He says. He lays back down, pulling me into him again. I press my lips together, shutting my eyes in hopes that I'll fall asleep.