"I only call you when it's half past five
The only time that i'll be by your side
I only love it when you touch me, not feel me
when I'm fucked up, that's the real me
when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, yeah
I only call you when it's half past five
the only time I'd ever call you mine
I only love it when you touch me, not feel me
when I'm fucked up, that's the real me
when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, babe"
I'm screaming the lyrics to "The Hills" by the Weeknd in the passenger seat of Noah's car while he's driving us somewhere. He keeps glancing over at me, who is screaming my heart out with all the windows down and the volume all the way up. He has a small smile on his face so I know I'm not annoying him too badly.
When the song ends he looks over at me.
"You're really bad at singing, you know that?"
"Damnit Noah, you just crushed all of my hopes and dreams of become a pop star."
He laughs at my stupid joke.
After a couple more songs, we arrive at the start of a dirt trail.
"Here you grab the blankets and I'll grab the food and extra hoodies."
"Okay." I reply.
I grab three blankets out of the back of his car and then we start down the path.
After about 5 minutes, we reach this clearing at the edge of a cliff overlooking Crestridge, the mountains and the woods around it. I take a sharp breath in admiring the beauty of it.
The sun is setting behind the mountain tops which give the town a sort of glow I've never seen it have before.
"It's gorgeous."
"Yeah, it is, isn't it?"
"Is this where your dad took you?"
"Yeah. This is it."
I don't reply because nothing I say will really mean anything.
We lay out the blankets and set all the food out. I immediately go for the milkshake first.
"You like milkshakes, huh?"
"You tryna get to know me Noah?"
"I guess so."
I laugh a little.
"Yeah. I like milkshakes."
"Let's play 20 questions."
"Okay."
"Favorite color?"
"Yellow. You? WAIT LET ME GUESS!"
"Okay."
"ORANGE, LIKE SUNSET ORANGE."
"Correct?"
"Really?"
"I didn't have a favorite color, but I guess now I do."
"Oh my gosh Noah!"
"My turn. Why did you move around so much?"
"My mom couldn't ever stay in one place after dad died. She said it made her lonely. Why didn't you talk?"
"Because the more people I talked to the more people I had to lie to and tell them that I was okay. When's your birthday?"
"March 30th. When's yours?"
"January 4th."
"Noah that's in like a month! You're going to be 18! What do you want to do?"
"I always thought I wanted to leave this town and never look back." He glances over at me. "But I'm not so sure anymore. My turn, you asked 2 questions now I get 2. Where was your favorite place you lived and where do you really want to visit?"
"I'm not sure, and definitely France. Have you ever moved?"
"No. Why France?"
"Well I want to wait to go to France until I'm in love with someone. Something about being able to go from Paris the city of love to the countryside filled with fields of flowers and wineries with the love of my life sounds like a dream. Where do you want to go?"
"Norway."
"Why?"
"I want to see the Northern lights and Geirangerfjord. Plus it's gorgeous there."
"I'd love to do that. That sounds surreal."
"Yeah. What do you want to do when your older?"
"I want to be a journalist. What about you?"
"I kind of want to be a marine biologist. Why journalism?"
"I'd get to travel a lot and experience so many things. And I've always wanted to help people, and I think of it as a way of helping people, you know? Like keeping people informed on events and stuff. But I like the photography part of it the most. Why marine biology?"
"I'd get to travel, and I've always had a fascination with the ocean and stuff like that."
"My dad loved it. He'd always go out on his boat and look at different things. He used to take me sometimes."
We're silent for a minute.
"It's your turn." I say.
"Why did you cut yourself?"
"Shit, going off the deep end aren't we now?" I ask with a forced laugh. He doesn't laugh.
"Carter answer the question."
"I did it because I could feel anything besides guilt. Dad died and I thought it was my fault. No matter how many times mom said it wasn't, it was. I shouldn't have snuck out. He would've let me go too. I just wanted to do something risky, you know live a little. He wouldn't have been out if they hadn't found my room empty." I sigh as a tear rolls down my cheek. "Butterfly effect and all that. I just couldn't feel like I had killed my dad anymore. I wanted out. Out of everything. Out of life, out of my own head, out of my brothers words that were constantly in my thoughts. I wasn't strong enough to not want to die. I wasn't strong enough to live. Not for mom, not for my brother, and certainly not for my dad."
"That's not fair. You are strong. You put on a brave mask everyday, it's more than I could do."
Now the tears are streaming down my face.
"I didn't get to say goodbye Noah. I didn't get to tell him I loved him."
He pulls me into his chest.
"He knows."
And we sit like that for a while.
"Look Carter," he points up to the sky. "You see that star? The bright one to the left of the big dipper?"
"Yeah."
"That's your dad watching over you, making sure you're okay."
I smile a little and he looks down at me.
His phone goes off breaking his gaze away from me.
"Yes Dylan?"
"Yeah, she's right here."
"Yes shes okay."
"I'll ask her." He puts his hand over the microphone.
"Do you want to talk to everyone?" He asks me.
"Sure for a minute."
He hands me the phone.
"Hey guys." I say kinda shyly.
"OH MY GOSH CARTER ARE YOU OKAY?"
"HOW ARE YOU?"
"ARE YOU COMING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW?"
"ARE YOU HURT?"
"Okay okay hold on," I laugh a little, "Yes, I'm okay, probably, no I'm not hurt. I probably would be a lot worse if Noah wasn't there for me today." He smiles at me.
"AWWWWW!" I hear Kena and Maddie yell. I roll my eyes even though they can't see it.
"Okay well, we'll let you get back to whatever you and Noah were doing. See you tomorrow Carter." Seth says.
"Bye guys, see you."
I end the call.
"Our friends are...really something." I laugh.
"I told Dylan he needs to ask Kena out."
"Good. I'm going to make Josh ask Ollie out."
"Oh my god, woman, you are trying to make me the only single one in my group."
"No we're a big group now. I'm single and Jake is single."
He laughs and mumbles something under his breath.
"Plus you were the one who said you weren't interested in anyone."
"No I said I didn't know yet."
"Yeah same thing."
"No it's not."
"Whatever Noah." I say kinda bitterly but I don't think he picked up on it.
"Have you ever been in love?" He asks abruptly.
I glance at him.
"Not the kind of love I want."
"What kind of love do you want?"
"I want the sparks kind of love, the kind that has you wanting more after just one kiss, I want the little things, and the knowing everything about each other. I want the kind of love where you don't stop loving each other. Even after arguments, even if it feels like it. I want the love that you know can break you but you put yourself out there anyways." I look over at him. "That's what I want."
He looks back at me for a while then looks up at the stars wrapping a blanket around us.