We're both silent for quite some time. Sitting on the ground makes me colder than I already am and he must be feeling the same way. Is he not moving because I'm not moving? I'm wasting precious minutes like this. I have things to do, or rather one thing to do, and I have to finish it before any of the others realize I'm gone. If they find my will then they'll come looking for me. I glance at Seokjin and he looks back at me with round eyes. I can almost see my own busted reflection in them. ...Why does he look at me like that? So annoying. It makes my heart hurt even more.
"Are you alright?" I ask. "He got some good swings at you."
He rubs his arm a little, trying to not show the pain on his face.
"It's nothing more than a couple bruises probably. And you? You blacked out and... he got some good hits on you too. Your lip is bleeding a little. Does it hurt? Are you dizzy?"
"I'm fine. Don't worry about it."
"Oh, OK..."
We go silent yet again. I can't believe how awkward this is. I just tried to kill a man for touching him but now I can barely look him in the eye. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I wanted to have disappeared by now. I guess I'm glad that I helped him from that guy, but how am I supposed to let everything go now? I thought he was happy with someone else. Now that I know he's not it makes me worried about what he's going to do after I actually go. Damn it.
"You're wearing your ring," he points out in a careful voice.
"Yeah. I guess I am... You're wearing yours too."
"Yeah... I guess I am."
Being with him here all of a sudden is so strange. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to cuddle up in his arms and just cry for days on end, but I know can't do that. Reconnecting with him now is a bad idea. I have nothing to give him. I have to let go.
He eventually stands up and offers me his hand. I don't even look at it before shakily getting up on my own. He retrieves his hand with an uncomfortable smile. I brush off any snow on my clothes and this time we're left standing in an awkward silence instead. Gosh, can't this just stop already? I want it all to stop. My eyes slide over towards the road leading to the bridge. Just as I'm about to take a step in that direction and leave all the problems behind, he speaks up in a more determined manner, effectively stopping me just like that.
"Thank you for saving me, JK. I don't know what would've happened without you. Seemingly you almost always show up when I need you the most. You don't hesitate to jump in and save me no matter the circumstances. I really am grateful for you, even if I don't show it as much as I probably should."
"Yeah, whatever. I'm just glad you're OK."
Hearing him thank me doesn't make me feel happy at all. Preferably I shouldn't have to save him from any alphas in the first place. He makes me sound like some kind of hero when I'm really not. Not at all. I simply did what I had to do. Will he be alright here if I leave? Seemingly no matter what alphas will come chasing after him. He's strong... but how strong? Even though I don't want to think about it, he will be sad when I die. If he can't get rid of suitors now, then how will he have the strength to fight people off if he's mourning me? Maybe he'd just give up and start taking the suppressants again. I don't want to make him sad or put him in that situation. I really don't want to. But I don't want to go on like this either. If I just end it then I don't have to think about it anymore. It won't be my problem then. Nothing will be my problem and I won't be a problem to anyone else either. I'll just go to the bridge and-
"I should've told you sooner," Seokjin says, once again stopping me in my tracks as I try to run away from the world. He's most likely not even doing it on purpose. He's simply trying to talk to me. It's so ironic. He wants to talk to me first when I've reached this point. But nonetheless I stay to hear what he has to say.
"Told me what sooner?" I ask.
"Everything. About the money and about my creeping boss at the time. And more recently I should've made it clear to you that I hadn't actually mated with anyone. I mean... at least not voluntarily."
I tense up at that. Not voluntarily? Does that mean...
"He forced himself upon you?"
He lets out a shaky sigh and I reluctantly turn around to face him. It's clear as day to me that he's upset, and even though I'll admit that I'm a coward, I won't run away if I can see he's sad. I'll have to push my own matters to the side for a bit. At least until he's feeling a little better.
"After I changed divisions because of my promotion, it didn't take long before I got my heat," he explains. "I wasn't expecting it so soon and it took me by surprise. Maybe it got triggered because there are more alphas at my new workplace. It happened during an evening and it was only me and that alpha left. I've been using scent blockers the entire time since our breakup to not gain as much attention, but he obviously noticed it anyway. He offered to help and I... I couldn't say no. I literally couldn't say no even though I didn't want to do it with him. I really, really didn't want to, but... He used his commanding voice and then he joined me home and we... you know. I was too weak to fight it."
It's hard for him to talk about this and he looks at me to see my reaction. Being told up front that he got knotted by that slimy scumbag does surprisingly little for me. I'm not particularly angry. I just feel numb again. Maybe I'm too tired to have a real reaction. Perhaps that's for the best. It ensures I can actually listen to what he's trying to tell me. Otherwise I might just run after the car that just left and chase it to the end of the world if it meant getting a hold of that bastard.
"And he marked you? Also against your will?"
He nods and subconsciously fiddles a little with the ring on his left hand.
"Yes. It was after I'd come back to my senses a bit more. He didn't ask for permission or even warn me, he just did it on his own accord. I got upset and told him off several times, even threatening to call the police, but he just laughed at me. He said the police won't do anything to him since all he did was mark and knot his own mate. I felt so disgusted. I didn't want to be his mate and he'd definitely never gotten my permission for it either. Getting rid of my heat was one thing, but I never ever wanted him to be my mate. Ever since then I've tried avoiding him to the best of my ability, even covering up the mark and telling him I'm married to make him back off, but they just never give up. The word no has no meaning to them, at least not coming from someone like me. Him, my last boss and a whole bunch of other alphas just don't care about my opinion. At this point I'm honestly not sure if there's a single good alpha out there. I mean... except you of course, JK."
I automatically let out a laugh at his last remark.
"You think I'm a good alpha?"
"Yes. I think you are," he says, genuinely meaning it.
"No. I'm a terrible alpha, Hyung, don't you see that? I couldn't even protect you from him. You ended up having to protect me instead because I couldn't do my job as your alpha. In reality he should've won you as his mate. He fought dirty, but he still won. He could've taken you with him while I was knocked out and there would've been nothing I could do about it. I'm weak, pathetic and a lot more submissive than I should be. Remember when you slapped him? He got angry and put you in your place. It's the typical reaction. Now compare that to when you slapped me. I just bowed my head and started crying. Sorry, Hyung, but you're a fool if you think I'm a good alpha."
He immediately shakes his head.
"None of that makes you a bad alpha. I think you're doing everything right in your own way. Why would crying make you weak? It just shows how much you care, Jungkook. At the time I was angry at you and kicking you out of the house, so of course you'd be crying. You were sad that you hurt me. Most other alphas wouldn't care. They'd demand to be let back inside, maybe even using violence to get their will through. Being submissive isn't necessarily a bad thing. Heck, I don't even think that you are submissive. It only comes across that way because you actually listen to me. You understand the meaning of no and stop when you have to. I think all of that is great. You've treated me better than anyone else probably ever will, and for that I'm forever grateful. You didn't hesitate at all to jump in and save me. From the bottom of my heart I thank you, Jungkook."
There it is again. Thank you. It makes me feel weird. I look to the bridge once more while shrugging. I'm so terribly tempted to just run away and get rid of these damn feelings that are building up inside.
"There's no need to thank me, but you're welcome I guess."
"I want to apologize to you for sleeping with that guy too."
I let out a tired laugh at that.
"Why? You said yourself that you're free to sleep with whoever the hell you want. We're not together anymore. Besides, he forced you into it in the first place. I don't blame you for not being able to get rid of him. You couldn't help it."
"Yes, and that's exactly why I want to apologize. I understand you better now. I got so mad at you for doing it with that girl but I've done basically the same thing. I couldn't fight it and gave in to the temptation. And I guess you did technically break up with me before going out there. So I'm sorry. I'm upset that you did it, but at least I understand it. I know you didn't want for it to happen like that and I definitely wasn't planning on sleeping with that man either."
"What were you planning on doing then? Find someone else by your own will? Go through it alone?"
"No, I... I was gonna ask you of course."
I stare at him in confusion.
"What? Why in the world would you do that? You blocked my number and everything. You didn't want to see my face."
"Yes, I know but... I thought we'd have made up by the time I'd get my heat. My feelings for you didn't go away just because you got drunk and fucked that girl. I was furious, so I threw you out to protect myself, but I never hated you, JK. I could never hate you. Deep down I always wanted you to come back, that you'd be knocking on my door telling me how much you loved me and how sorry you were. I don't trust anyone but you, Jungkook. I still mean that. Being with another alpha was horrifying. I was so scared. He made fun of me for all kinds of things, even going as far as to forcing me to tell him why I have balls when I'm an omega. It was humiliating. All that and yet I couldn't fight him off. I kept praying for you to come running through the door and save me like you always do. I waited and waited but you never showed up."
He laughs sadly at himself before continuing.
"But why would you? I severed our bond and yet I wanted you to help me. After that I was even angrier because you never made any attempts to get me back. Did I mean that little to you? Had you already found someone else? Was I really such a bad partner that you immediately left me in the dirt without a second thought when things got rough? I asked myself those things every day. People always leave me behind and give up on me, but I wanted to believe that you were different. You'd always stood by my side in the past. Eventually I started to doubt both you and myself. Now I've finally thought about it more properly and I can't stay mad at you, JK. I'd be a hypocrite if I did, especially after you fought so bravely for me today. I forgive you for sleeping with that girl. It's in the past and we can move on. If you want to... you can come back home to me again."
I stare at him with an open mouth while he gives me a small, unsure smile. Fuck. This wasn't supposed to happen. Does he want me back? I can't do this. I have nothing left. He can't forgive me now. It's too cruel.
"Hyung, it's nice to hear that you forgive me, but let's leave it at that."
His smile disappears and he furrows his eyebrows a little in confusion.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want you to take me back. You'll only end up disappointed again. I want you to find someone great to spend the rest of your life with. Not me. I'm not good for you, Hyung, especially not now. Don't waste your time on me because I won't be there to repay it. If you really dislike alphas, then maybe try looking for a beta instead? I'm sure there are lots of them that want to be with you."
"Wait, are you saying you don't want me back?"
"No, of course not! I'm saying I don't want you to take me back for your own sake."
"But I want to be with you, JK."
"Please don't say that, Hyung."
"Why not? We promised to be honest and it's the truth. I love-"
"Stop it. You're making me feel bad."
He shuts up at the command and just looks at me with big eyes. This is too much. Am I being punished until the very end? It'd be so much easier if he hated me. I wouldn't need to feel this guilt. But even the guilt will go away soon. I won't need to care. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
"Are you still mad at me? Is that it?" he asks. "I swear that I only let my boss mark me because of the promotion. I didn't want to do it but I saw no other way out at the time. Worrying you was the last thing I wanted. I realize now how important a bite like that really is. I honestly didn't think it was that bad since I didn't sleep with him or even kiss him, but it's in fact equally as bad as those things. Maybe even more so. It's kind of ironic how I was angry when told to look for jobs at a strip club, but then I voluntarily whored myself out anyway. It's like I sold my body for that promotion. Maybe I should just quit and actually start working as a stripper instead. I'd probably get more money out of that than working here. It's just horny men coming after me either way."
Those words don't sit right with me. I grab his shoulders to make him look up and his eyes brighten up a bit just from me touching him again. It's saddening to me because I realize his words are really true. He loves me. I wish he didn't. It'd make things easier for me.
"You're not a whore, Hyung, far from it. You did what you thought was right at the time. Don't let them get to you. If they won't give you opportunities then you just have to create your own. Fuck those assholes. Show them who's the real boss and rub your success in their faces. If there's someone who can do it it's you. You've already done the unthinkable in the past by fooling everyone that you were a beta. You're the strongest person I know and I believe in you."
He actually blushes at my words.
"Really? You think I can do it?"
"I know you can do it. You can do anything you put your mind to. That's just how amazing you are."
He eventually nods, accepting my words as truth.
"Yes, maybe I can do it. I've been saving up a little recently, so I have a bit of money to start with. I just gotta figure out what to do and then I can show them who's boss."
"That's my hyung alright."
He smiles and puts his arms around me for a hug. I try my best not to tense up, but it's really hard not to. I gently pat his back while he breathes in my scent, or at least what little of it there is since I used a scent blocker to not attract any attention today. Having him so close makes my tired heart skip a beat. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack at this rate.
"I'm sorry for hiding the financial problems from you, JK. I just didn't want you to worry about it. From now on I'll tell you absolutely everything. If I'm allowed to worry about you then you should be allowed to worry about me too."
"Mhm."
He pulls back with a slightly sour face.
"That's all you have to say?"
"I mean, you're free to tell me about your problems all you want but I probably won't be able to help you."
"Wait, you're serious? You really don't want me back?"
The disappointment is so extreme that his scent starts breaking through the scent blocker he has put on. My nose gets filled with the sweet smell I've been longing for. Even if he's stressed it's still better than the emptiness without it. It feels like home.
"Do you actually have someone else?" he asks. "Is that why you're all dressed up?"
"No, no, no, I would never! I'm only dressed up because today is a special day."
"Special how?"
"I, um... I just have some things to take care of is all. I can't tell you what it is."
"So you're not going on a date?"
"No."
"But you still don't want to be with me?"
I have to take a deep breath to calm myself. He won't let this go unless I give him an answer. If I reject him he'll be devastated, but if I say yes then he'll be heartbroken later instead. I love him and I don't want to be a burden to him. If we had it tough before then it's going to be impossible now. Unlike him I don't have a future. I've given everything up already. I'm just an empty shell. Being with me will only bring him misery one way or the other. Maybe uncertainty is the best way to go.
"Let me think about it," I say.
He's not pleased with the answer but he has no other choice but to accept it. I remove his arms from my body and he subconsciously pouts a little in disappointment. It should be illegal to be this cute. I grab his hand a final time and he quickly squeezes back. I can feel the cold ring on his finger.
"Let me take you home, Hyung. I'll get you there safely."
"I have my car... but whatever. Go ahead and escort me home, my prince."
I hate myself for smiling at the pet name. He smiles back at me and we start walking through the winter night together. Maybe this is good in a way. The last thing I do is to make sure my dear hyung is safe. We don't speak, but I can tell he's satisfied either way by just having someone with him. There's some light snow falling and since most people have left work already it's very quiet. Peaceful even. We walk across the bridge. I try my best not to let my gaze on the road ahead falter. I'll be back here soon anyway.
"Hey, JK?" he says after a while. His voice is soft and it makes my stomach flutter. I've missed him calling my name. It's nice to hear it one last time.
"Yes, Hyung?"
"You were really cool back there. I've never witnessed something so heroic before."
"That's nice to hear. It's been a while since I felt cool."
He smiles at me. A big, bright smile. I can almost hear my resolve cracking. Will that smile disappear with me as well? I don't want that. I want him to be happy always. What if I'm actually the source of his happiness? Can I really take that away from him?
I bite my tongue and look away. It's way too late for me to turn back now. Seokjin, I'm so sorry. I keep hurting you no matter what I do. Just know that I had good intentions. I want what's best for you, just like you do for me. For me this is the best option. I can't do anything else. I'm useless. I couldn't even protect you properly. I've failed as a partner and I'll fail yet again by making you sad once more. But after that you'll be fine. I'll never hurt you again. At least that will be a promise I can keep.
⩶ΑβΩ⩶
We eventually arrive at the apartment building. Every part of me is completely numb and stale from being outside for too long. Aside from my hand of course. It's very warm, all thanks to being held by Seokjin. I walk him all the way up to his door before letting go. In an instant the warmth disappears.
"Thanks for taking me here," he says with a smile. "I felt very safe and calm the entire time."
"It was my pleasure," I respond with a light bow.
He giggles while unlocking his door. I just stand by and watch like an idiot. I don't want to leave yet. It's no fun leaving when I know it's going to be our final farewell. It's not fun or relieving at all. I feel so bad. So very guilty. In the end I can't even keep my promise about not lying to him. I'm not telling him the truth about how I really feel. I fail at absolutely everything I do.
"Do you wanna come in?" he asks. "I've gotten a temporary heater for the bedroom at least. You look a bit cold dressed like that."
"No, it's fine. I have things I need to take care of."
"Oh, OK. I guess we can talk later?"
"...Yeah. Of course. Later."
My heart hurts at the lie. I thought I'd be good at this by now after lying for almost a month straight, but I see him doing a double take at my answer. I walk to the front door in hopes of him not questioning me further. I put my hand on the door knob but his voice stops me from leaving yet again.
"When will you be back?" he slowly asks. I can tell it's fully intentional. My lie didn't hit home with him.
I can't force out any words and just shrug as an answer. He walks a couple steps closer to me and I don't even dare to breathe. I stare out the window in the door while he watches me with a seemingly burning gaze. It's like he's staring right through my soul.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
I clear my throat.
"Just out."
"Out where?"
"...Nowhere in particular."
"If you don't know where you're going then why are you leaving? What are you gonna do?"
I simply remain silent. He's onto me. Shit. I want to dash through the door but my body won't move. I can't even press down the handle. He can probably hear my heartbeat from how nervous I am. It hurts having it beat so fast. It's not used to it. It can't handle it. I feel myself getting dizzy.
Suddenly I feel his warm hand on mine again. I do the mistake of looking at him. His concern is too obvious as he looks at me. My facade starts cracking up.
"Jungkook. When will you be back?" he asks again.
There's no escaping it. I can't lie to him. I slowly shake my head. The words come out only as a broken whisper.
"...I won't be back, Hyung."
I see the very moment as he fully understands what I've been planning this entire time. His mouth falls open and the absolute shock reflects in his eyes. I desperately try to stop myself from crying but when he gently cups my face with his warm hands I just explode. I sob like a baby while letting out the pain I've kept bottled up. Seokjin is so shocked he doesn't even know how to comfort me. I cling to his coat as if to hold on to what little hope I have left. I nestle my face in the crook of his neck, trying to breathe in his calming scent to feel better while I cry my heart out in his arms.
I feel like such an idiot. What was I thinking? I can't possibly leave him behind. He loves me as much as I love him. He wants me back and yet all I could think of is how I wanted to disappear. I need to stay with him. I want to stay with him forever. If I die I'll never see him again.
"Hyung, I-I don't want to d-die," I sob. "N-not anymore. Please, don't let me die, Hyung. Please... I w-want to be with you s-so badly. I k-know I'm useless, b-but I'll try to do better. I'll try for you, Hyung. P-please. Help me..."
He can't speak any proper words but nods at me, holding me even tighter to show that's he's not letting me go. I'm about to relax, but a mere moment later the door on the second floor flies open and Taehyung and Namjoon come running down with stressed faces, dressed fully in thick winter clothing. They see us standing in the entryway and freeze immediately.
"Holy- GUYS! HE'S RIGHT FUCKING HERE!" Taehyung yells.
In an instant the rest of them appear at the top of the stairs. They gather up around us and I see Jimin holding my will. They saw and read it already.
I cover my ears and curl up in a ball on the floor. I don't want to see their reactions. I don't need to hear how worried and scared they were. This is exactly what I was hoping to avoid. I've never wanted to disappear more in my entire life than I do right now. I'm so ashamed.
They talk over each other, asking Seokjin all kinds of questions while he's just as confused as they are. The stress is eating me alive. My heart runs a marathon in my chest and even though I tell it to calm down is just keeps speeding up. Faster and faster. Harder and harder. My hands start shaking and I completely forget how to breathe. I can't focus on anything. It gets worse and worse until-
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I place a hand over my heart, but I can't feel it beating. It has stopped. I try taking a breath to calm down but it only becomes a choked gasp. I can't breathe. The others' bickering die out upon noticing that something's wrong. In an instant it becomes eerily quiet.
I fall down to my side. I remain unmoving as they immediately start screaming things at me. I can't hear what they're saying. They shake me to get some kind of response, but I don't react. They all look at me with desperation. My eyes meet Seokjin's. I've never seen him so upset before. The heartbreak and fear is visible in his pretty eyes. He shakes his head while his mouth moves as if he's pleading with me. I want to tell him how incredibly sorry I am for leaving, but not even a tiny sound leaves my lips. I try with all my might to stay awake, but my eyes soon close on their own. The darkness swallows me whole and I finally get what I've been longing for up until this very moment. Unfortunately for me, it turns out dying isn't as great as I thought it'd be. I wasn't ready to let go.