Warning: Mention of suicide, dark thoughts
---
Myra retreated into her shell, Remus could tell. She pushed everyone away, ignored them. She barely ate, never slept, and always spent her free time in the library. Whenever he tried to talk to her, she gave him a tight smile, her eyes lingering on her shoes, and said 'Not now, Remus. I have to study.' He could see the bags under her eyes, how her cheeks were losing the plushness that he loved.
He could see the dimness in her eyes, the way she slumped. It pained him that he saw it. No matter what he did, she just pushed past him. Every time he tried to get her to eat, to sleep, she would give him a look before leaving abruptly. He hated how he only saw her friends going into the Great Hall, the looks they exchanged before telling him that she was resting in their dorm. Whenever he saw her in classes, whenever he tried to talk to her, she remained silent.
Remus' chest had a hollowing pain in it. His desperation was raising. He wanted Myra to talk to him while looking into his eyes, to smile at him without the dullness in her eyes, to look at him before hurrying away. It was as if she just didn't want to be around him. He couldn't help but take it personally when she avoided him.
And Remus couldn't help but relate it to when he was drowning, when he was surrounded by people he thought wouldn't care about him. Even though his being hurt, he didn't want to push. That's not the sort of person he was. He truly believed that if Myra wanted to talk to someone, if she wanted to be comforted, to be loved, she would ask.
That just proved how much of a lie he was living.
He couldn't read minds.
What was he thinking?
∞-∞-∞
!!xXx!!
Myra wasn't really sure what was happening around her. She could feel herself going to classes, going to the library. She could remember the things she had studied the previous night and she could remember the spells she had practiced during her free period. She could see her friends trying to talk to her, feel them drag her out of her dorm to attend classes, Remus trying to hold her. She could hear them trying to make her eat, try to make her do anything with them.
She felt like she was walking in mud. Everything around her was dulled, nothing held the same spark that she thought they did. She could barely find the hope she thought she had found. She couldn't feel the love that she thought she had felt.
The only time she felt truly in control of herself was during the night, when she didn't have the light to chase away her demons and nightmares.
It was horrible.
They would creep up on her, whispering in her ears, make her look to the razor, make her want to see her blank canvas rippling with scars. Her nightmares would remind her of what had happened, why she felt his way, she couldn't turn to anyone. She couldn't help but lock herself in the bathroom until she was sure that the sink had been painted with enough red, until she was sure that she felt the pain that she deserved, until she couldn't feel anything else but the burning.
Myra wouldn't feel satisfied. No matter what she did, the storm inside raged on. Her mind destroyed and corrupted everything she held dear. Everything she loved was doubted and everything she hated was accepted. She considered all the things she never would have on any other occasion and she pushed away from the things she loved, knowing that she didn't deserve that kind.
And while everything outside of her continued, while everything went on, while the universe progressed on in its clockwork pattern, the pain and war and damage inside of her persisted.
And she wasn't sure when it would end.
!!xXx!!
∞-∞-∞
Remus watched as she walked up to Professor Slughorn, exchanged words quietly, before quickly walking out of the class. He could tell that the others were just as confused as him. As he was raising his hand to ask if he could use the restroom, the door opened and she came back.
"Where did she go?" Prongs asked and he shrugged, watching her as she quietly sat back in her seat.
"I don't know," He whispered back. He desperately wished that she would look up, to see his gaze, to see his question, his concern. But her head remained down, her arms by her side, and her bag by her feet.
∞-∞-∞
He should have seen it. He should have known. She was yelling for help and he didn't hear.
∞-∞-∞
"Lily, look. I found it under the bed."
"Oh my god. Is this why-"
"I'm sure of it."
∞-∞-∞
"Potter, Black, look at these."
"Holy shit."
"Ceres... she didn't tell us."
"Of course she didn't, you numbskull."
"We have to tell Lupin."
"Yeah, I'll give it to him."
∞-∞-∞
!!xXx!!
"Lily, the razor's covered in blood."
∞-∞-∞
"Myra? Are you inside?"
"Myra?"
"Myra, open the door!"
"MYRA!"
∞-∞-∞
"Get Madam Pomfrey. Now."
∞-∞-∞
She has the worst luck of anybody I know.
!!xXx!!
∞-∞-∞
Remus could see the growing pile of candies and gifts by her bedside. He could see the different people walk in and offer their condolences. He could see the sun through the window. He could see the shadows changed every hour. He could see the pieces of parchment around him grow. He could see the inkwell reducing in size every day. He could hold the hand that rested on the bed.
But she still hasn't woken up.
∞-∞-∞
Myra sat in a dark room, so dark that she couldn't even see when her hand was in front of her face. She was sitting against something hard and rigid, her back tightly pressed against it. Something was holding her ankles against the legs of what she assumed to be a chair. Whenever she tried to move them, they fought against the restraints. Her hands, strangely enough, were free to move.
As she tried to understand what was happening, a bright light flooded into the room, momentarily blinding her. As she squinted through the light, she saw a black-robed figure coming closer and closer to her.
"You are rather smart, aren't you?" He said cooly, sitting next to her. "You thought by not getting any sleep, you could avoid me. It is a strategy that would only work for a few days, however. Rather foolish, as well."
"Why do you want me on your side so badly?" She hissed, glaring at him. His red eyes would shine even in her nightmares.
"For a reason to which you would not understand," He replied, twirling something in his hands. "One thing I like about dreams is that I can have anything I want. Like this." He continued twirling what she recognized as a wand. "You wouldn't understand it now, but once you join my ranks, you could have more power over everything you know."
"And why would I want that power?" She spat back. "All of your power is evil and will only be used for evil." He looked at her before looking back at the wand in his hand.
"How would you feel if you could look at your tormentors beneath you?" He asked. "How would you feel to see them bleed as they made you? How would you feel to degrade them as they did to you? Imagine it, seeing them writhe on the floor, beg for your forgiveness. Imagine the power you would have over them."
"I would feel like a monster. I don't want to get revenge. I don't want to see them hurt. I just don't want to hurt them. I don't care if they live. I just don't want to ever lay my eyes on them again. I'm doing pretty well for now."
"For now."
∞-∞-∞
"Ceres, Poppy said that you would be able to hear us. I don't know why, but you haven't woken up yet. You were supposed to wake up yesterday and you're not awake, so forgive me for straightforward, but you have to fucking wake up. Everyone's suffering. Moony always tries to stay by your side, but either Poppy kicks him out or Prongs or Wormtail drags him out. None of us have slept well, you can even see the bags under my eyes. That cream that I bought isn't working, which is fucked up, but it's a muggle product, so I don't know what I was expecting. McKinnon, Evans, and Fortescue are all freaking out. They leave you a card and candy every day. They always come up to tell you stories about how their day was, but they always make sure that they keep their spirits up. They refuse to talk about the things that are popping up in the Daily Prophet because they want to make sure that you don't freak out and die on us. But that's why I'm here, to provide your daily news, with additional profanity and comedy just to liven it up a bit.
"So about a week ago, a muggle village was attacked by Deatheaters. This was the village your grandparents lived in, but I'm not going to talk about it. Evans gets the muggle papers too, so she told me that the muggle police think that it was some mass terrorist attack or something, I'm not sure. They've got some investigations going on, but like that's going to do shit. Um, Diagon Alley got a new restaurant. The guys and I are planning on going during the summer when we get our books and whatnot. I suppose that you could come if you wanted to. It would be pretty weird, though, I can guarantee it.
"What else? Oh! The Minister said that he would do everything in his power to catch Ol' Voldy, but I honestly think that he's just trying to save his arse. It doesn't take that long to at least catch a few death eaters, does it? I bet that he's just using that 'power' that he has to make sure his tea gets to him at three every day with a small tray of biscuits and jam. Moony said that my theory was useless and 'of course the Minister is trying to catch one of the biggest villains ever' but that's bullshit.
"So that's all I prepared for today. I will be back in two-day installments. Hopefully, the world goes to shit in one of them so I have something exciting to say. I'm already bored with the news I told you. And almost every week is like this, so yay for me. I will see you on... Wednesday. Ah, I almost forgot! I needed to also give you this big pile of homework from Flitwick. He says that when you wake up, you should go through these because he knows that Poppy won't let you out until about a few days later. He hopes that you get better soon and you don't get too stressed.
"By Myra. I bet someone else will come over to talk to you in about an hour. I'll see you whenever. Bye."
He pressed a faint kiss to her forehead before sighing, turning away, and leaving the Hospital Wing.
∞-∞-∞
Myra woke up in a castle. It was dark, drafty, and its stones were ice-cold to the touch. All along the wall were the battered remains of what looked like armor. The paintings hanging were empty, only base colors and the occasional chair. The torches hanging on the walls were empty, only casting eerie shadows as she walked on.
When she reached a large, open area, she was shocked at the damage she saw. Crumbling walls, splintered wood, piles of ashes smeared across the holes. Scorch marks on whatever parts of the walls were remaining, torn tapestries, and a blanket of death.
Silently, she walked amongst the rubble. Every time a pebble skittered across her path, her eyes followed it until it stopped. Every time a wind picked up, the dust lifted and swirled around her.
Something didn't settle easily with her. She felt a strange sense of recognition. She felt a familiarity with the walls, with the floor, with the wood, with the very air.
At the large shattered windows, she looked beyond them and saw burnt plain. The grass was gray, any other plant life that might have been were blackened and shriveled. She couldn't see a living thing for as far as she could see.
"This is the power you could have," You-Know-Who's voice said from behind her. "You could see the world burn and never feel the heat."
"Maybe I just never wanted the world to burn in the first place."
"Now who never wishes to see chaos around them and know that they were the cause?" When she turned around, he gave her a wicked grin before the floor beneath her dissolved and she fell through mist and air.
∞-∞-∞
"Myra? How are you? Black told us that he came over and spoke to you for a while. He didn't tell us what he said but I bet that it was something inappropriate."
"Well, he might not. You know that he wants her to get better just as much as us."
"That's also true. We have a free period and Marlene is bunking because-"
"Because who gives a flying shit about Herbology. I don't even know why I took it."
"You wanted to because a Healer and that's one of the subjects you need to take."
"Right. Anyway, I have big news! Last night, Katherine came up to the Gryffindor Common Room and told me that her parents were okay with us dating. I never met them, because when she first told them about me, they were kind of against it. I didn't tell you guys because I just wanted to wait until they were okay with us dating. And now they are!"
"Congrats, Mar! When do you think you could meet them?"
"Well, hopefully, this summer. Kathy said that they weren't planning anything this summer and I could visit and finally meet them!"
"That's so amazing! You have to tell us what happens."
"Yeah I defin- did she just move?"
"What?"
"I just saw Myra move! Her finger, it lifted and it touched my finger!"
"Oh my God! We have to tell Madam Pomfrey!"
"Myra? Can you hear us?"
"Move your finger if you can!"
"SHE MOVED IT!"
"What is all this ruckus here? Miss Lestrange is-"
"She moved her finger! It moved and it touched Marlene's finger!"
"My word! All of you, out! Out, out, out!"
"But-"
"OUT!"
∞-∞-∞
!!xXx!!
When Remus first heard that Myra could wake up soon, he barely paid another second of attention before sprinting up to the Hospital Wing with his friends right behind him. Of course, Madam Pomfrey didn't let them in, but she did tell them that Myra might wake up within twenty-four hours and, of course, Remus had to be dragged away from the door of the Hospital Wing so that he didn't end up sleeping outside.
He couldn't sleep that night. Before it was just from sheer worry and panic that she had almost died and his last words to her would have only been 'Sleep well and I'll see you in the morning'. But now it was from the excitement that he could see her eyes again and that he could hear her voice again and that he could tell her 'I love you and I never want you to leave from my life.'
Was this how she felt when I jumped? Did she feel the panic, the relief? Is this what it's like? Did she stay up at night, did she dream about me jumping over and over and over again? Did she have nightmares of me leaving forever? Is this how the others felt too? Did they feel the hollowing fear and sadness? Did they think about what could have been their last words to me?
Did they wonder if I would do it again?
∞-∞-∞
She woke up with a pounding headache, a parched throat, a fiery pain in her arms, and the settling of dread in the pit of her stomach.
What have I done?
---
Question of the day: if you have a pet, what would it be and what would you name it? ✨
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