Warning: Mention of self-harm and depression
---
Myra stood barefoot in a field of flowers. With a slight wind in the air, she saw stray petals fly up and over her head. Compelled to follow them, she chased after them, running with the wind pushing at her, urging her to go faster and faster and further and further. To catch the petals before they fall. To touch them before they touch the ground.
She didn't notice anything in her surroundings change as she ran, she just followed the petals. Soon, the terrain grew rocky, pebbles, and stones digging into her feet.
But she didn't stop. She wanted to stop, to catch her breath, but she just kept on running.
And she couldn't stop when she saw the looming cliff face. She couldn't stop running as her foot met nothing.
She couldn't stop chasing the petals even as she fell through the air.
∞-∞-∞
Dear Myra,
Fleamont told me that I should write letters to you if I wanted to contact you. Although I find this method of communication rather tedious (I don't know where to get this parchment from any nearby stores and they only have fountain pens, no quills. I suppose I could use those as well), the owl that he gave me seemed nice enough. Your grandmother loved her. I bet she's already pampering her with all sorts of treats in the kitchen.
So how is your school going? I hear that you don't do any arithmetic anymore. Lucky you! I used to be so bad at it. My parents were so frustrated with me. But what I was really good at was chemistry, which I understand is similar to your potions class. In chemistry, we learn about the materials that make up the universe and the different things that we can make when we combine them.
It's rather dangerous, however. One girl in my class was leaning too close to the fire and her hair caught on fire. We had to evacuate while she went to the nurse. Shame what happened to her.
I'm going to pass it over to Eleanor. She said that she wanted to talk to you, so I'm going to write what she says.
"Hi, Myra! How is your school? How are your friends? And that nice boy you introduced to us? I hope you are studying hard and are not slacking off like this lump (she pointed at me) used to do. I hope that you get good food where you stay. If not, tell me and I'll make the biggest feast that you have ever seen!
Alright, Myra! Be safe, don't do anything dangerous. I'll see you when you get back home, okay? Bye!"
Honestly, I'm surprised she remembered this much. I don't doubt that she'll make food, so I better make sure she doesn't harm herself.
Goodbye, Myra! We miss you and I wish that we get to see you again this coming summer break.
Lots of love,
Nonno
Dear Nonno and Grandma,
If you haven't grown up in this world, owls are a rather... different source of communication. There's also the floo network, but I don't think you'll like that very much. Owls are cute, aren't they? Grandma seems to like them.
School's going well. I have my NEWTs coming up, which are these really important exams. Sort of like end-of-the-year exams to determine what kind of job I can get. Luckily, it's only in one subject, Charms, so I don't have to study just as much as the other seventh years in the school. Charms are these spells that alter an object without changing its essential nature. Or at least, that's the definition we learned.
Charms can be dangerous too if you don't do it properly. I haven't seen this but, apparently, someone charmed someone's hair to be a really vibrant color, and Professor Flitwick and Madam Pomfrey couldn't get it off until the next week.
Hi Grandma! My friends are doing well. We're all having a lot of fun here. Remus is also well. Our one-year anniversary is coming up so I think we're going to do something then. Hogwart gives more than enough food, and it's really good. But I doubt that it would beat your food, of course!
I miss you too! We will definitely meet during the summer.
Heaps of love,
Myra
Dear Myra,
We are glad that you are doing well at your school. I hope that you haven't been studying too much. Euphemia told us that you study too much and I know it's not good.
Something strange has been happening over here. I told Fleamont but he doesn't seem to think it is of much importance. Something about this is very unnerving to me and I wanted your opinion about all of this.
There have been these odd figures lurking around our village. They wear those robes that Fleamont and you wear, but they are all black and they sometimes wear masks. It's probably nothing, but with Thomas and all, I can't help but be a little paranoid now.
Eleanor doesn't know about this and I'd rather that I don't worry her about this.
I know that I'm probably just an old man with his nonsensical worries but these kinds of magic things are out of my area of expertise and I'd like to get your thoughts about them.
Mountains of love,
Nonno
Dear Nonno,
I don't think it's nothing. I think that you and Grandma should be more careful from now on. A lot of things are happening in the wizarding world. Now that I know that Deatheater's are around your place, I can't tell you much. These letters could have been tampered with before you get them. I'll try to get Uncle Fleamont to drop in on you and Grandma.
Just be safe, Nonno. Pretend like you're a normal muggle without any magic powers and the Deatheater's should ignore you. Don't make it known that you have a connection to the wizarding world.
Oceans of Love,
Myra
Dear Uncle Monty,
Deatheaters are going around Nonno and Grandma's village. Can you drop in every once in a while to check up on them? I don't know why they are there, but just make sure that nothing happens to them, can you please just check up on them?
Love,
Myra
Dear Myra,
I do believe that you're right about those figures tampering with these letters. When I got your last letter, the sealing was already broken. I'll try and keep them short and precise.
Eleanor and I are planning to go on a vacation to the United States. We were planning on going during the summer so you could go along with us. Does that work with your plans?
Worlds of love,
Nonno
Dear Nonno and Grandma,
Yes, I would love to go to the United States! I'll have to ask Uncle Monty and Aunt Euphemia if I would be allowed to, but I think they'll allow me.
Where are we going to go? I hope that we get to go to the Museum of Natural History. And we get to see the Golden Gate Bridge, Mount Rushmore, and the Statue of Liberty! I remember reading that the statue was a gift from the French to the Americans and it was designed by Frederic Bartholdi. It seems really cool. It was also designed to be the Roman goddess of liberty, Libertas. Cool, right?
I can't wait to tell Lily, Marlene, and Alice. They're going to be so disappointed that we couldn't meet over the summer, but once I explain, I'm sure they'll understand.
I can't wait until we see each other again!
Galaxies of love,
Myra
Dear Myra,
Eleanor was so happy to hear that you would be coming with us. She said that she would pack extra winter clothes for you in case you run out (she forgot that we were going in the summer) but she was so excited and she looked so happy when she was packing these really thick, wool coats and scarves that I didn't have the heart to tell her that we wouldn't need them.
We were planning on visiting the beach while we were there, so be sure that you have those swimsuits. I don't know if you magic folk have them, so you might have to go to one of the stores for non-magic people.
We both look forward to seeing you in a few months. Good luck with your exams and I hope you pass with flying colors. I sent some cookies that Eleanor and I made. Hopefully, they give you the energy to study and get through them.
Universe(s?) of love,
Nonno
Myra,
I don't know how to tell you this. I didn't want to wait and have you find out later. It's better that you find out sooner rather than later.
Last night, Deatheaters raided a muggle village. It was all over the Daily Prophet. They took almost all the muggles there and...
When you told me to check up on them, I did. I went over and saw Deatheaters patrolling the area. I told them not to step out of the house any more than necessary. I placed a few protection charms before leaving. I thought that I'd have the time to strengthen them every day.
Myra, that was your grandparents' village. Despite the charms, the Deatheaters broke through them. I didn't know until later. Even then, I went over as quickly as I could, but there was nothing I could do.
I'm so sorry, Myra. I am so so sorry. If there is anything I can do, please tell me. Take comfort in James, in your friends. They would help the most.
From,
Uncle Monty
∞-∞-∞
Myra didn't leave her dorm for a while. She just stayed in her bed. She didn't have the energy to do anything. Occasionally, she would get up and walk around, almost in a daze. She would go to the bathroom every once in a while, but nothing much else.
She knew her friends were becoming concerned but she didn't care. She couldn't find the energy to worry about anything else.
If I didn't want to meet them, if I wasn't so selfish, then they would be alive. The Deatheaters wouldn't know about their relationship with me and they would still be alive.
You're so selfish! You wanted to meet some old folk, so what? What good did it do to you? All it did was get them killed.
I shouldn't have done that. I should have kept my mouth shut.
You are so stupid! Why did you meet them? You knew that the Dark Lord's power was rising and you knew that he would target the muggles.
I shouldn't have met them. I shouldn't have thought about meeting them, especially not now. I knew it and I still went for it. I was too eager, too selfish.
You couldn't wait for a few years? You were so impatient that you had to meet them at the peak of the Dark Lord's power? How much more stupid could you be?
I shouldn't have done that.
You are so impatient!
I shouldn't have done that.
You are so stubborn!
I shouldn't have done that.
You are so stupid!
∞-∞-∞
Myra stood in front of the familiar cottage with a white picket fence and a red-brick chimney. Happily walking inside, she couldn't see the overgrown plants and the faded paint.
When she walked inside, she was surprised to see almost all the furniture was broken, picture frames were shattered, holes were torn into the wallpaper, and there were even burn marks on the floor.
"What is this?" She found herself asking, walking over the shards of glass without wincing. "What happened here?"
"You should know," A voice croaked from the side. When she turned, she saw an old woman hunched over with her hair hanging in front of her face, her arms resting against the wall for support. "It was your doing."
"But what did I do? How did this happen?"
The old woman looked up and Myra could see the pained and angry eyes of her grandmother. She couldn't imagine her grandmother looking so haggard, so tired, weary. Her grandmother was lively, even though she could barely remember her own name.
Her grandmother lurched forward, grabbing onto Myra's arms and pulling herself closer, staring into her eyes with a strong fierceness.
"We met."
∞-∞-∞
Remus could tell that something was going on with Myra. Not studying, not eating, not even coming out of the dorm. He wanted to check up on her so badly, but every time he tried to go up the stairs, he always just slipped down to the bottom.
It had only been two days of Myra being locked up in her dorm and he was going crazy. Her friends didn't know what was going on with her either. All they knew was that she got a letter and she just shut down after. She stopped responding to them, started to sleep in. They always heard her thrashing around in her sleep, whispering, and whimpering.
By the end of the second day, he and the other Marauders came up with an idea to get Remus up the stairs. He was holding a teddy bear that he had enlarged until it was almost as big as him, if not bigger.
"Remus?" Alice asked as she entered the Common Room to see him and the other Marauders standing at the foot of the stairs leading up into the girl dorms. "What are you doing?"
"He's trying to see Myra," Wormtail said, stepping in front of them. "I'm supposed to be on the lookout, so I'm going to have to ask you to keep on moving."
"No, no," Marlene interjected, "I'm interested. If he could get through to her, I'm going to pay him ten galleons."
"Alright, but be quiet," Padfoot hissed, "We can't have anyone else knowing."
Remus roped his hands around the middle of the bear and hoisted it up, giving Prongs a nod. Carefully, he flicked his wand and Remus felt himself slowly float upward. When his feet were about a few inches above the ground, he felt himself move forward. As he neared the stairs, he ducked his head to avoid narrowly hitting the stone ceiling.
"Careful, Prongs," He whispered, hearing a distant sorry. He floated upward until he reached a door with a plaque reading 'Lily Evans, Alice Fortenescue, Myra Lestrange, and Marlene McKinnon'
I forgot that most people still think she's a Lestrange.
Slowly, he took one hand off the bear and knocked on the door. He didn't hear a response back. Furrowing his eyebrows, he knocked again.
"Myra?" He asked softly through the door. He still couldn't hear anything. "It's Remus. I have something for you." He was about to speak again when he heard her faint voice through the door.
"I'm just not feeling all that well, Remus. I'm sorry. Can you give it to Lily or Marlene? I heard Alice say that she was going to come up. Can you give it to her?"
"Myra," He said, not liking how his voice grew a little stern. "I'm worried. We're all worried. You haven't been eating, haven't even stepped outside. Your friends said that you were having trouble sleeping. We're worried about you. Please," He put his hand on the door, wishing that it would open. "Open the door."
When Myra didn't respond, he sighed sadly. "Just please know that I love you, okay? I hope you come out soon."
Leaving the large bear by her door, he put his hands on the wall and turned around, taking his wand out and disenchanting himself.
The other Marauders were waiting by the stairs with eager and hopeful looks as Remus got off from the floor.
"What did she say?" James asked, clearly wondered. Remus frowned and shook his head.
"She didn't open the door."
∞-∞-∞
She landed with a jerk on a table. It was dark wood, with chairs surrounding both sides. At the head of the table, sat a white figure robed in black.
"So," He said, "We meet again."
"We do," She replied coldly.
"Please," He gestured to one of the chairs. "Take a seat." As she was about to refuse, she felt her body start to move into the chair right next to him.
On his right side.
"Have you considered my offer?" He asked, clearly curious. She scowled at him.
"Yes."
"And?"
"I'm not joining you."
"Are you sure? We have gotten rid of all the other distractions in your life. You don't really have anything else to dedicate yourself to. Why would you want to wander around looking for a purpose when I am giving you one right now?"
"You've just given me more reasons not to join you. I'm not joining a homicidal maniac as he attempts to take over the world. You must be insane if you think that I'll join you!"
He sighed, leaning back.
"Very well. I have no use for you here now, then, do I?"
With a flick of his wrist-
∞-∞-∞
Myra woke up.
!!xXx!!
She felt the anger in her, the sheer fury and hatred that she felt toward him. She could feel herself itch to do something with her hands, to hold her wand, to blast a hole through his head. She wanted to hurt something, to break something, to just do something.
She got out of bed and went to the bathroom. On the tabletop were Marlene's razors. She always wanted to have clean-shaven legs just in case the situation calls for her to wear a strikingly revealing dress. It was just too convenient for her, to see the thing that could destroy her, resting peacefully on the counter.
After locking the door, she sat on top of the closed toilet and held one of the blades in between her fingers. As she spun it with her fingers, she stared at it.
It's so small.
She put the tip of the blade to the skin on her forearm. As she slid it across, she didn't even register the pain. It didn't seem like it hurt. So she pressed deeper and deeper. She needed to feel the pain, to hurt something. She couldn't hurt anyone else. She trusted herself to hurt herself.
How ironic.
She couldn't feel the pain. No matter what, she couldn't feel it. She could only see the red lines on her forearm grow in size and depth, but never in pain. It frustrates her to no end.
Why can't I punish myself? Why can't I feel it? Washing the razor and her arm, that was when the pain hit. It started burning, traveling up her arm to her shoulder. She didn't even since. It was nothing compared to what she had felt before.
The sink was soon stained red. She held her arm under it for a while, but it still bled. Even as she dried it off with the towel, she could see the spots of blood on it. So she took some of the spare bandages from under the sink and wrapped her arm. She didn't want to have it healed up.
It was her punishment. It was her reminder.
That she was the cause of everything, that it was her fault that her grandparents died. It was her punishment for being so stupid and naive and plain annoying. She shouldn't have met them. She should have just waited.
Now she will have the reminder of her stupidity written on her skin forever.
---
Once again, please don't think that you are worthless. You are all beautiful humans, inside and out. It doesn't matter what other people say, it doesn't matter what they look like. All that matters is your good health and your safety.
Question of the day: Do you think that you deserve everything? If not, you are lying to yourself. If I could, I would give you all of my love. I hope your pain eases soon. ✨
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