When preparing to attend AA and therapy meetings, you never deeply thought about how difficult it would be to balance your life out. Your weeks consist of AA meetings on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and therapy sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You go to sleep at 10:03 every night and wake up at 5:30 every morning. It's a cycle and you're utterly exhausted.
You have weekends, where you spend them with Reid, and the activities you partake in are quite repetitive, but you don't mind. To be blatantly honest, you absolutely hate your apartment. Every time you enter anywhere but your room, your mind spews flashbacks of "the night."
You've considered about moving into a new place, but not right now. It'll add on to the list of problems you stress over.
A clap brings you out of your thoughts and you look up, Raven looking around at all of you with a wide smile. "Alright you guys, that is it for today. We have some snacks in the back as well as coffee," she says, pointed towards the back of the room.
You nod and stand up, grabbing your coffee from the floor. You walk over to the trashcan and throw your cup away, quickly moving aside as someone moves in behind you.
You turn around and Raven is the person who's presence you felt not too long ago. The smile that's plastered on her face sends shivers down your spine. It seems so fake- like she's forcing herself to appear happy.
You press your lips into a thin line, lifting your hand and giving her a short wave. "Hi."
Her hands are interlocked in front of her, resting on her brown top. "Hi Y/N, how are you?"
"I'm doing fine," you reply.
She nods, "Good, that's good."
Your eyes bounce from her deadening smile and the dozens of hotline posters behind her. She continues her stare, her eyes burning into your skin. You tap your fingers against your thigh and keep the silence for a short moment. A quick question rolls into your mind and you break the silence.
"Hey, Raven. I-- um, have a question," you say. She nods, and you continue. "I kind of know what you're going to say, because well, I've done my research but-" you bite down on your tongue, stopping yourself from blabbering. "What do you think about relationships while recovering?"
She sighs, her smile disappearing. She clicks her tongue, her cold hand reaching out to yours. "Well, you must know that it's not a good idea to get into one if you're recovering. Maybe try a year after sobering up."
You swallow the growing lump in your throat, your mind beating you up as you look at Raven. Your eyes flick down to her red painted nails, the manicure chipping away. You don't want to hear that, you want to hear her say that it's allowed.
"Well, there's this guy who is helping me sober up and," you hesitate. "We've been good so far, and my urges have gone down because of him. He's better for me, you know?"
She scoffs. "I understand, and I cannot stop you from taking the next step in that relationship, but you have to be careful. The euphoria and honeymoon you experience in the beginning of relationships is not always guaranteed to last forever," she states bluntly. "Not all relationships last."
You nod your head, your jaw clenching as she spits the truth into your face. You wish the path to sobriety would be easier- a piece of cake. And you're a genius, you know all of this, you just choose to be oblivious.
"Well, thank you. I'll see you Wednesday," you say quietly.
She gives you a quick hug and you exit the room, the mumbles of voices and the flickering of lights echoing in your ears. You push open the door and step outside, your body shaking as a gust of cold air whips your face.
As you walk to your car, you feel someone grip your waist and you instantly scream. A hand covers your mouth and the body turns you around; JJ, Tara, Penelope and who you presume to be Emily behind you, crowd around you.
You let out a sigh of relief, swallowing your heart which was in your throat. "You guys are evil," you exclaim, guiding a piece of hair behind your ear.
They all laugh and you roll your eyes, placing your hand on your chest. Penelope sticks her finger in her ear, twisting it. "Your scream is a little too high for me, though," she states.
"Sorry," you reply, squinting your eyes.
"Okay, well the reason we're here is because we're having a girls night at Emily's," Tara says.
A girls night. Which means alcohol will be involved. And when you're around alcohol, your urges hit you like a bus and you find yourself spiraling into an anxiety attack. You aren't sure you want to go- and you could always spend the night with Reid. But, he needs his space.
You feel a hand on your shoulder, and you slightly turn, seeing Emily stand next to you. You look into her eyes, seeing the sympathy and understanding in her pupils. You flick your eyes back to the girls and twitch a fake smile. "Sure," you say.
The women nod and they all head to Emily's car, the car being unlocked by JJ. You stand still, in the middle of the parking lot. Emily pats your back and your eyes rake down her face. "We aren't drinking tonight, just so you know. Sparkling cider in wine glasses instead."
You smile to yourself, feeling comfort in her voice.
+++
"Okay, come on, is he really a good kisser?" Tara asks Penelope, her head leaned to the side.
"OH- One hundred percent," she exclaims, bringing her hands up to her lips. "I mean those lips are like marshmallows and oh god let me not get into his body."
Tara immediately covers her ears and JJ and Emily laugh. You let out a fake laugh, messing with your fingers in front of you. Emily notices and she leans over, taking your hands in hers. She doesn't like it when you pick at your skin.
You clench your jaw, biting down repeatedly. You should be laughing and having the time of your life, but you sit there staring blankly at the living room table. The voices around you continue blabbering, but they only come out as muffled.
You feel yourself getting lost in the surface of the table, your thoughts breaking you down. To the others, you may come off as bitchy in this moment, but you're in no mood to speak to anyone. You want to be alone. Maybe not in your apartment, nor Reid's, but Emily's.
After a while, Emily let's go of your hands and you snap out of your trance. You lift your eyes to view Tara and Penelope gone, JJ now by the door. You remove the blankets on top of you and get up, your body almost sunken into the couch.
You sulk over to the door, offering JJ a soft smile as she exits through the door. You let out a suppressed breath and grab your bag from the counter, along with your keys. As you reach for your shoes, Prentiss clears her throat.
You stand straight up and turn around, her eyes finding yours. "You're staying here tonight," she states. "Come on."
You drop your bag and keys on the counter and follow her into her room, the dim lights illuminating her face. She opens her drawer and pulls out a tank top along with a pair of black polka dot pajama pants. She throws them to you and heads out letting you change.
You quickly pull off your clothes and slip the thick tank top over your head, smoothing it out before moving onto your pants. You slide the thin cotton pajama pants onto your body and fold your other clothing, placing it on a small chair in the corner of the room.
You brush through your hair with your fingers, humming quietly to yourself to fill the silence. You hear footsteps and in comes Prentiss with a glass of water and a toothbrush. She hands you the toothbrush and brushes past you to set the water on her nightstand.
You take the toothbrush and make your way into the bathroom, closing the door behind you. You grab the hair-tie from your wrist and pull your hair into a loose ponytail. You wash the toothbrush and set it down, grabbing the toothpaste on the counter and twisting open the cap, squeezing some onto the bristles.
You run the toothbrush under the warm water before bringing it into your mouth and brushing your teeth. After you've done so, you rinse your face and pat it dry with a clean towel. You leave the toothbrush on the counter and turn the lights off, slowly moving back into her room.
She's laying in bed already, Sergio laying on the edge of the bed. You smile as you see him curling into a ball, moving around. Emily sits up and lifts the covers up so you can get in. You crawl in and lay your head on the soft cushion.
She pats her lap, motioning for you to lay your head on her. You shift in her bed and move your head to rest on her lap. She removes your hair tie and places it on the bedside table, the movement shaking you around.
She settles in and begins brushing your hair with her fingers, her fingernails hitting your scalp in the most relaxing form. You remain quiet, but after some time, you can't refrain yourself.
"Em," you croak out.
"Mhm."
"I really wanna be with Reid."
Thinking about him floods your brain with dozens of memories- good and bad. When you think about the time you first met, you can feel his rough yet soft hand shaking yours. Whenever you think about the time he pushed you away from an unsub, you can feel his hand around your waist and his shoulder against your palm.
You think about the dozens of arguments you've had, but the good memories overpower all of the negatives. A warm tear streams out of your eye as you envision his smile. You can see the corner of his eyes wrinkle and his tongue slightly sticking out of his teeth.
"I know, and he wants to be with you too," she whispers. "But as your boss,"
You sniffle, "Talk to me as a friend right now Em."
A long pause takes place, but she takes a deep breath and continues. "Well, he seems to be helping a lot and whatever he's done must be working. But you have to be careful."
You bite down on your lips, your brain becoming foggy and your eyes drooping down. You replay Reid's smile and the night you danced in his living room with outfits you bought from Goodwill in your mind as you drift to sleep.
"Stop giggling, we have to be serious," Reid says, gripping your waist.
You grab his hand and hold it tightly, pushing yourself against him. "Mhm."
"You look really good like this. You have an ethereal glow."
"Ethereal, really?" You ask. "I'm in a costume from Goodwill and I don't have any makeup on."
"I don't care what you look, you're beautiful."
+++
You stand next to Tara, your arms crossed over the railing as you glare at Audrey flirting with Reid. She should have left a long time ago, but she sits on his desk, invading his space.
You take a sip of coffee from your mug, keeping your eyes glued to the petite lady with long brown hair and brown eyes. "Have you ever thought about killing anyone?" You ask Tara.
"Uh, no," she replies in a scared and confused voice. "Have you?"
"Maybe how I would do it," you say.
Audrey brushes a piece of hair out of her face as leans forward on his desk, her skirt slowly hiking up her thighs due to the excessive pulling. You avert your gaze at Reid, noticing the way his adam's apple bobs in his throat as he struggles to pay attention to the paperwork in front of him.
It's godawful seeing her flirt with Reid. Audrey is generally a flirt, she flirts with everyone, including Rossi. She wears tights black skirts that seem to be suffocating her and white shirts with a black lace bra, the color seeping through the thin white material.
You could care less about what she wears, but the way her body curves in all the right places, how plump her lips are and the way she looks fucking amazing without trying makes you jealous. You're scared Reid will forget about you and move onto her.
After staring at her flirt with Reid for ages, Tara catches on. "Ah, Reid and Audrey."
"What about it?" You ask in a monotone voice.
She laughs, removing her arms from the railing. "He doesn't want her, you can tell." She pats your shoulder and brushes past you, her boots clacking against the stairs as she proceeds back to her desk.
You aren't jealous. Or maybe you are. You groan and straighten up, glancing back at them one last time. You meet Reid's eyes for a short moment but you break the stare, choosing to pay no mind to the event that just took place.
You stomp down the stairs to your desk, leaving your mug on your desk before brushing past Reid. You navigate through the hallway and turn into the restroom, pushing open the door and reaching for the sink, turning the faucet on.
You look at yourself in the mirror, your face red hot from jealousy and anger.
People feel hurt when other flirt with the ones we like because we only envision the person we like with us and no one else. So, every time someone else is in close proximity with them, we feel betrayed. Disliked.
You run your hands under the lukewarm water, looking up into the mirror to see the door creaking open, Reid squeezing in. You turn the faucet off and grab a piece of paper from the dispenser, drying your hands. You throw the paper away and turn to face Reid.
"Why are you mad?" He queries, his tone anxious.
"I'm not mad I promise," you whisper.
You scoot in closer to him, pushing him against the door. You place your hand on the right side of his jaw and pull him down to you, kissing him aggressively. He puts his hands on your waist and continues the kiss, his tongue making its way in your mouth.
You reach back and turn the lock, the sound louder than you thought it would be. Reid stops and his hand snakes down and takes hold of your wrist. He slightly pushes you forward, removing his grip from your wrist. He unlocks the door and cracks it open, peeking his head through to check if anyone is there.
He opens the door wider and begins to step out. You grab him arm and pull him back inside, staring at him in disappointment. "Why won't you stay?"
He draws his lower lip between his teeth, his head tilting to the side. "We're in a women's restroom. And we're not ready."
You groan, leaning your head back to look at the ceiling. "Right, I guess I'll stick to having dreams about it."
It's embarrassing thinking about the dozens of dreams you've had where you and Reid's kisses have led to more than just that. You haven't had sex in over two years, and the feeling is quite upsetting. You aren't stable enough to have sex, at least that's what Raven tells you. But, you think having sex will help... some of your problems.
Reid's eyebrows raise and he grins. "You dream about us having sex?"
You shrug your shoulders, letting out a soft laugh. "I didn't say that. I think you're going crazy, Reid."
He shakes his head, rolling his eyes lightheartedly. "That's crazy because I thought I heard you say-"
The door opens and walks in Alice- one of the older ladies that works on the floor. She gives you both a nasty look, and brushes past you. Your mouth gapes open and you burst into quiet laughter. Reid, on the other hand, has a terrified look on his face.
"Come on Dr. Reid, let's go before you get in trouble."
+++
You park your car in front of Reid's apartment building, turning it off and taking the keys out of the ignition. You grab the bag from the passengers side and open the car door, stepping into the freezing cold night. You lock your car and run into the building and up the stairs.
You reach his floor and check the numbers on the doors, finding the right one. You knock three times, moving on the balls of your feet as you wait. You hear ruffling of feet and you pull the bag behind your back, hiding it from him.
He unlocks and opens the door, a rather disturbed Reid standing in front of you. He moves to the side and lets you in. You waltz inside and wait for him to close the door before showing him the bag.
"Surprise!" You exclaim, handing him the blue and white bag. He takes it from your hand and takes it to his desk, setting it down. He rubs his eyes, yawning as he takes out two sets of pajamas.
His eyes widen and smiles as he sees the dinosaurs with Christmas hats all over the white tops and bottoms. "I love them," he states, placing them on the counter so he can give you a hug.
You bury your head in his chest as you rock back and forth, his warmth transferring onto you. He presses a kiss to your forehead and lets go, his smile still wide, creasing the corners of his eyes.
He takes the sets and intertwines his hand with yours, pulling you to his room. You run inside and he quickly takes the long sleeve top, ripping off the tag. He takes his shirt off and throws it aside, revealing his toned stomach momentarily.
You reciprocate his motions and slide off your clothing, revealing your body underneath. Reid has seen you this way once before, but it was over three weeks ago. Your body freezes and you stand there, burning hot as you fail to move.
Reid notices and walks over to you, pressing his hands on your shoulders. "You're beautiful. I don't care about any stretchmarks, birthmarks or scars that are on your body, you're beautiful nonetheless."
You faintly smile, feeling your heart rack against your ribs. The effect Reid has on you is indescribable and the only word you can use to describe him and the way he makes you feel is 'yellow.'
Yellow. That's it. It's quite self-explanatory, you think.
He reaches down and grabs the pajama top. "Up," he says, directing you to lift your arms.
You do so, lifting your arms and letting him pull the top over your head. He then takes the pajama bottoms and lowers down, pulling them up once you step into them.
You feel like a child- a child who needs everyone to do everything for them. You can be independent, but you know that if you fought Reid on this, he would win regardless. So you face the embarrassment that courses through your body.
Once he's done, he places his hands on either side of your face. He leans in and presses a kiss to your lips, letting his face hover inches away from yours after.
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Y/N."
You stare into his eyes, seeing the gold specs surrounding his pupils. "Reverse card."
He shakes his head, scoffing at your remark.
"Hush, Miss Magic."
___
hey!
short chapter, but I had the idea running through my head the entire day, so I had to come home and start writing. sort of supposed to be doing a project, but I'll complete it tomorrow:D yay!! procrastination!!
love,
kai