Hardins phone rings on the table and I get up and go to the kitchen to start making food. He looks over at me weirdly while talking to whoever was on the phone. I ignore it and carry on with the food. Hardin walks out of the room and into our bedroom. I wonder who's calling him? A few minutes later hardin walks into the room looking slightly heated.
"Is there anything you want to talk to me about?" He asks. His question catches me off guard because I have nothing important that I need to tell him.
"No why? Who was on the phone?" I ask
"Your therapist." Why?
"Wait why is my therapist calling you?" Im confused.
"There isn't anything that you said you would talk to me about that would help you in therapy?" It suddenly clicks in my head what he's talking about but I dont want him to find out about what happened in the past so I try and play it off like I have no idea what he's talking about.
"No not really.Not that I can think off." He raises his eyebrows at me.
"Promise me." Fuck.
"Yep."
"Why? What did my therapist say?" I try and act lost.
"Oh he just asked if you had talked to me about anything that has happened in the past." Why is my therapist so fucking pushy. Its none of his buisness and now he's interfering in my relationship. Its my choice and I dont want to tell hardin about me and trying to kill myself. Thats a bit fucked up and I know it would destroy him if he found out the only reason I tried to do it was because I thought he was gone.
"You feel comfortable talking to me about anything and everything right?" Now he's doubting my trust in him.
"Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?" He shrugs.
"I dont know im just being paranoid. Why would your therapist ask me that then?" Because he told me to tell you.
"I have no idea. I will ask him at our next session." As much as I hate lying to hardin,I dont want to bring the past up. Its in the past why can't we just focus on the future.
"Do you mind if we do your next session together?" Oh shit. Here come the excuses.
"Why?" I ask.
"I just want to understand where your at as well."
"Um. Do you mind if I do it alone? I'll get all shy around you." He sighs and we both sit down on the couch.
"Is that so. You still get shy around me?" He questions. Everyone gets shy around their partner now and again. I nod and he pulls me closer.
"Do you still get butterflies as well?" This whole conversation took a quick turn. His hand runs up and down my arm before gripping my wrists and pulling me on top of him. I dont say anything I just nod. I would be worried if I didnt have any butterflies with hardin. The spark and excitement would have just burnt out.
"Do you get butterflies?" His eyes meet mine and his hand reaches out for my face cupping my cheeks.
"All the time." He smiles. I love the way he looks at me. He concentrates on every single detail of me and when his eyes lock with mine it truly feels like he sees all of me. Like im allowing him access to all my thoughts,ideas,feelings absolutely everything. Its quite intense as well but I know I never have to worry about 'if he still loves me' because I can see from the way he looks at me that he does. I hope that's the same for him as well.
"I love you. You know that?" I whisper into his ear. We are just sitting here now,our chests flush together and my arms wrapped around his neck.
"I know." He kisses the side of my neck before lifting me off him and laying me down next to him on the couch. He rests his head on my stomach with his hands still wrapped around me. I run my fingers through his hair as I watch his eyes slowly flutter until he's sound asleep.
A few days later...
"So did you talk to hardin about everything?" The therapist asks.
"Um ye. I told him after you called." I lie.
"And how did he take it?" I sigh as I blurt out my next lie.
"He was fine. Upset but fine."
"Was it relieving to tell him?" These sessions are killing me.
"No." I say bluntly. Im on my last straw with this therapy bullshit.
"How did it make you feel? Was it more difficultthan telling him about the assault."
"Ok you know what. Im leaving. Im not doing this anymore." I grab my purse and head for the door. I get in my car and drive to the nearest coffee shop to pass some time before I can go home to hardin without him knowing I left the session. I grab my coffee and sit in the car answering emails on my laptop. I told hardin that I was going to try driving and leaving the house on my own for a while to see how I am. I've been taking his car though since I'm selling mine. Theres no way I was keeping that car after the memory of crawling into the drivers seat crying my eyes out examining the bruises all over my body.
I arrive home to hardin doing his new daily checkup on me. I've been going to therapy on a Tuesday,Wednesday,Thursday and Saturday. Its fucking exhausting which is exactly why I'm not going anymore.
"So how was it?" I could quite litteraly quote everything he says when I walk back into the apartment.
"Same as on Saturday. Shit." He chuckles lightly at my not so joking joke. In my head im already saying what I know hes going to say next.
"It will get better i promise." He gently pecks me on the cheek and I go into the bedroom to change back into my pyjamas. I've got some work to catch up on and hardins also going through his book reading it adding one more chapter and then re-reading it and getting rid of the previous chapter writing a completely new one. Another trait we both have. We're perfectionists to the point where its annoying.
I spend the next 5 or 6 hours working and making calls and writing emails and sending samples and inspos to my brides. I've been so focused on what im doing i didnt even realise hardin had left.
"Where did you go?" I ask as he closes the door behind him.
"To the shop." I still find his British accent and what he calls certain things funny. I mean the whole 'Chip,Fry,Crisp' thing still confuses me but to this day hardin has always been adamant that its a crisp not a chip and its a chip not a fry. He reminds me every time I ask him to get them from the supermarket or as he calls it 'the shops'.
"What did you get?"he went shopping a few days ago we shouldn't need anything till the weekend.
"Just some stuff. Landon called he wants to talk to you. He says its urgent." Ive been actively avoiding our close friends and family.
"Ok I will call him in a minute." I sigh.
"Actually he said he wants to talk in person" I hop whatever landon wants to talk about is urgent because I really dont feel like changing back into my normal clothes. I force myself to the Scott residence as I know that's where landon will be. He has his own apartment but he hates being by himself so he spends the day back home with Karen and Ken and what was also me before hardin returned.
"Hey how are you?" Landons already standing outside waiting for me.
"Im ok I guess. What wrong hardin said it was urgent?"
"Oh its not that urgent but thats depending on ehats going in with you. Kim said you didnt want anyone to see you for a while because you and hardin were figuring things out or whatever but im not an idiot somethings going on. What is it?" I knew Landon wouldn't have believed our terrible excuse and I know Kim also knew it was bullshit.
"Um nothing I've just been worried about my mom." Technically I'm not lying because im always worried about my mom but I know shes been doing great.
"Your lying to me."
"No im not."
"Yes you are. I talked to Noah only Yesterday he said your moms been doing great. Besides why would you need to isolate yourself from everyone because of that?" I take a deep breath and decide to tell Landon the truth.
"Do you promise that once I tell you you won't treat me any differently or pitty me or go around telling other people because im deadly serious about this landon you cant tell anyone." I can see him getting more and more nervous as I go on.
"Yes of course I promise. Your scaring me now what is it?"
"I was raped." I watch his expression changes completely into shock.
"Oh my god. Are you okay?" He asks.
"Um not really. Im a bit jumpy around other people who get too close so I'm just giving you a heads up. Thats why I've been avoiding people like the plague." I hope landon keeps this to himself and doesn't say anything. I trust him but my paranoia is still in full throttle lately.
"Who else knows?" He asks.
"Hardin,you and molly." He looks shocked again when I mention mollys name.
"Molly. As in Molly from College who you detested for years." I laugh at his awareness of how much I used to dislike molly. I find it humorous now but back then the sound of molly name coming from hardins mouth made me sick.
"Yes that molly." He nods but doesn't say anything. I can see he's still trying to process what I told him.
"Listen ive got to go but Im glad you know now." I get up from the steps by the door and head to hardins car.
"Hey Tess! If you need anything im here ok." He yells from the door. Landon truly is the most wonderful best friend I could have asked for.
I return back to the apartment and its dark outside now. I open the door to a dim lit living room.The lamp being the only source of light.
"Hardin?" I walk into the kitchen and I feel his arms snake around my waist and his warm mouth against my neck.
"I ran you a bath." He whispers in my ear.
"Hmm did you now" he doesnt answer he just Continues kissing the side of my neck.
"Thank you." I whisper for a reason unknown to me. He uses his hand to grab my chin and turn my face to his. He kisses me deeply sliding his tounge accross mine. He turns me around so im fully facing him and lifts me up onto the counter pushing his hands under my shirt and up my back. I can feel the goosebumps rise on my skin wherever his fingers go.
I cant believe its the 1st of December already. I hope everyone has an amazing Christmas. Im not sure if I will be able to update in 2 weeks time as I'm moving back into my house after 9 months away because of being flooded out.
Let me know what YOU want to happen in the next few chapters and I will take them into consideration when writing the next chapters. -Anna xxx