Recap:
Ella and Timmy officially ended things on Christmas Eve. She has suicidal thoughts after their breakup and Aaron catches her having a breakdown and tells her he will help her through it.
[one year after the breakup]
E L L A
The snow reminds me of him.
The songs on the radio make me cry because we would listen to them together.
All the sweet words that come out of Miles's mouth just aren't the same to me. They don't carry the same meaning. He isn't him. There's no way he can compare.
No one can compare to him.
No matter how good they may be.
'You look pretty today.' Miles says once I enter his car with ease, showing no hint of irritation towards the icy cold weather I had to walk through to make it to his parking spot. I turn the heat down, I like feeling the cold. It's a good distraction. It always has been for me. I'd rather be shivering from the cold than bite down on my skin when I get anxious. It's better for me this way.
I glance down at my plain white coat and my grey sweats. It amazes me how I wasn't trying to look good at all but somehow he manages to compliment me every time he so much as lays his eyes on me. And I just wish there was a hint of dishonesty in his voice when he says these nice things to me. But there isn't. Because he means it.
So I simply sigh. 'You say that everyday Miles.' I utter and he doesn't start driving. Instead he is still parked outside of my dorm and we sit there in silence as I furrow my eyebrows at him. 'Aren't we going to be late to the movie? You're the one that begged to me come watch it with you.'
Miles shakes his head at me. 'We won't be late. There's still time.' I simply nod. I don't make an effort to say anything back to him. That's how I've been lately. I don't make an effort anymore. No more fake smiles, no more pretending. I got over that faze in my life. I don't care how people think I feel.
I only care that I make it through this rough patch.
In the end that's all that matters.
Nowadays everyone knows I'm going through it. I wear my scars on display, I don't feel shame towards them anymore. They're always going to be a part of me. People should know that. My eyes seem to always be glazed with a fresh set of tears every so often. My outfits prove that I don't give a shit how I look anymore. I just wear whatever I find when I go through my closet.
My professors worry about me, my peers look at me like I might break any second. Sophia's always asking me how I am. I stopped lying to her. I started telling her everything. Because it helps. Therapy helps too. Aaron's to thank for that. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here right now, in Miles's car, agreeing to watch some action movie with him that I probably won't like.
Miles suddenly clears his throat. 'Ella we need to talk.' He sounds serious. I don't like that. I'm assuming he wants to discuss me. Maybe today it'll be about my sad eyes, or my lack of laughter, maybe he wants to tell me I should smile more.
Everyone loves lecturing me lately.
But Miles has never been one to tell me how to feel. He's been quite understanding of how I've been choosing to deal with my heartbreak for the past year. Maybe because he's been quiet too, and incredibly reserved. But it seems today things are about to change. He's going to give me a pep talk. I just know he will. 'About what?' I ask. 'What did I do?'
Miles sighs tiredly, his eyes on the steering wheel. 'It's not something you did El.' I watch him fidget with his hands. He holds on tightly to the hem of his shirt and slowly starts to tap his fingers against his thigh. 'It's something that I didn't do.'
Once again I'm left confused. I don't proceed to ask him what it is he didn't do though. Because I know that either way, he's going to tell me what it is. He finally decides to look into my eyes as he speaks. 'What do you consider this?' He asks.
'This?' I repeat.
'Us? What do you consider us? Am I like a really good friend of yours or...?'
I'm not quite sure what he's getting at. So I just shrug my shoulders at him. 'I mean I guess. We got to know each other pretty well after my dad died so yeah.. I would say that we're good friends wouldn't you?'
Miles looks unhappy with my answer. 'Is that it? You don't see us as I don't know... more?' When he says this there's fear written all over his face. I can tell he regrets those words the moment they leave his mouth.
I'm not confused anymore. I know where this is going. But I didn't expect it. Not one bit. Miles was there for me. He let me cry on his shoulder. He was vulnerable with me. He told me all about what he went through as a kid. It helped me get better. He helped me get better.
I didn't think there were feelings involved. I didn't think his compliments were anything more than they should be. Just friendly compliments. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I was blind. I was so oblivious. How could I not see it? 'More?' Is all I manage to blurt out to him. 'You see us as more than friends?'
He nods his head quite quickly, which is surprising given how terrified he was a second ago. 'You don't?' He asks me.
I don't answer. I'm afraid I'll hurt him. I never once expected Miles to be this vulnerable with me. It took him so long to truly tell me the details of his horrible childhood. It took him so long to come to be about Gina's betrayal. She left him when he told her that he didn't want to run his sketchy business anymore. She called him a coward. They haven't spoken since. Miles doesn't even know where his sister is.
But it took him months to finally open up to me about it all. And now he's telling me he sees me as more than friends? How long has he felt this way? How long have I been unaware of it all? It just doesn't make sense.
'Ella I-'
'Don't.' I cry out desperately. 'Please don't.' I beg him with my eyes. Because I've been here before in this same situation. With Drew. I remember the look in his eyes before he told me he loved me. Miles wears the same terrifying expression and I just can't relive this moment all over again. It's all way too familiar for me.
I was getting better. Now I feel like I'm falling back into the same black hole I crawled out of.
'But I have to tell you this.' Miles pleads with me. I don't waste a moment shaking my head in his direction.
'Miles you know how I've been feeling lately. You know I'm not stable right now and I can't just... I can't jump into something serious with you.'
His eyebrows knit together in confusion. 'Why not?' He asks sounding pained, the crack in his voice makes me flinch all of a sudden. 'We already hang out everyday. We like all of the same things. We have similar pasts.. and- and you're the only person that gets me Ella. You're the only person that accepts me for who I am. With all of my flaws and imperfections.' He swallows hard his hand reaches out for mine, he takes it in his. 'I- I'm in love with you.. I've been in love with you for the longest time and I-'
'Miles!' my voice is loud, and powerful. I yank my hand away from his and I watch his expression change. I need him to stop this. I need him to listen to me so that things don't get way out of hand. Last time this happened I lost Drew. He killed himself because of me.
I killed Drew.
I can't lose Miles too. I just can't. He's been so good to me. We've been doing so well. I can't let him ruin this. 'Miles let's just go to the movie.. I beg you.'
'No.' His voice is final. 'I won't hold back when it comes to this El. Because I mean it. It's how I feel. And I know you feel something for me too.'
I feel my hands start to tremble. I wish I could lie and tell him what he wants to hear. It would be better for us both if he had someone to love him and if I finally moved on. But that's not possible. And I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm done pleasing people. It's time I tell the truth. 'I can't.' I tell him. 'I can't feel anything for you Miles.'
'What are you talking about?'
I look him right in his grey wounded eyes. 'You know what I'm talking about.' I whisper. 'All I feel lately is this huge absence in my heart. My dad's death, my messy breakup, my suicide attempt and now Drew. You're doing what.. what Drew did to me. You can't do this to me Miles.. you just can't.' Now I'm the one with the cracked voice and the pained eyes. My tears come in on command as well. It's like they want to embarrass me.
My eyes want me to look weak before him.
'Drew?' Miles retorts. 'Who's he?'
My friend. I want to say. We hooked up. I want to add. He killed himself after I rejected him. I utter this in my mind and that's when my walls come crashing down. I've been good for the past few months. I've had no relapses, no more bite marks, no more scars. There were a few suicidal thoughts here and there.
But I was better.
I am better.
Not anymore.
'I'm sorry. But I need to get out of here.' I shove the car door wide open. Memories of Drew flood my mind. His drunken figure staggering towards me. His somber smile every time he looked into my eyes. His constant bruises and his black eyes that rarely ever healed. The pretty face he had beneath the purple and the blue.
I miss him.
It's been so long since I admitted that.
I've almost made it to the door when Miles's hand comes in contact with my arm and he's pulling me backwards. At this point I can finally hear him again. His voice is no longer muffled to me. 'Ella wait!' He shouts as I make a run for it again. 'Ella!' He grasps my arm somehow
'Let go of me Miles. I don't need this right now.' I say through a fit of tears. 'Let me go.'
'I just want to talk to you.' He cries out, finally letting go of me. I wipe at my tears harshly before turning to face him again.
'I can't do this with you. I can't-'
'Why can't you love me?' The question he asks, the desperation in his voice, the tears in his eyes. All of it. It tears at me. I might not be in love with Miles but I feel like I'm breaking up with him somehow. Like we truly were in a relationship for the past year and this is it coming to an end.
He stares deeply into my eyes, searching for a reason. I can see the disappointment in his eyes when he can't find one that satisfies him. He shakes his head at me somberly. 'Just tell me Ella... and give me a good ass reason or else I'm not backing down. Why can't you just love me like you loved him?'
I struggle to find my voice given the huge lump in my throat. I want to walk away now. Give him no answer. Just run away from my problems. But Miles doesn't deserve that. So I try to stand my ground. 'I don't know.' Is what I find myself muttering quietly to him. 'I don't know but I just can't.' I avoid his eyes. I don't want to see the same look I saw when I stared into Drew's. It'll only mess me up more. And I'm messed up enough.
'It's always been him.' I state. 'You knew that. And I wish I could change how I feel about Timmy but I can't.' I don't have to look at Miles to know he hates me right now. The sight of his clenched fists says it all. 'I still love him Miles. I never stopped loving him.'
I wait for him to walk away from me, to get in the car, to slam the door shut and drive angrily away. Instead he unclenches his fists and lets out a deep exhale. 'Look at me Ella.' I don't make an attempt to shift my gaze. 'Look at me!' He snaps and in that split second I decide to stop being weak. I look at him. His eyes are so deep deep deep, I'm almost drowning inside of them.
I watch his expression go from one of heartbreak to one of pure pity. 'I feel sorry for you you know that Myers?' His cold tone and his shameless use of my last name makes me wince. 'He moved on. So should you. He chose fucking California over you. Do you really think he's coming back here just to restore his high school relationship?'
I shake my head. 'No.' I answer him. 'I know he isn't coming back. I'm the one that told him to leave.'
Miles rests his palm on his forehead. 'Then why can't you move the fuck on?' He shouts angrily at me. 'It's been a whole year. I've been waiting on you a whole year. Can't you see how much I want you? Why can't you say the same for me?'
'You wouldn't understand.' I state, taking a deep breath. I'm done waiting for him to make his dramatic exit, I'm not prepared to watch him drive away in anger. Instead I look at him one last time and I try to put a smile on my face, but it looks more like a frown. 'I hope we can still be friends after this.'
I hear him chuckle. 'I doubt it.' He mutters. And with that I manage to walk away. His words hurt but there was nothing I could do to fix this. If Miles truly does love me then it'll be hard to maintain a good friendship with him without his feelings getting in the way. I know this from experience.
So I guess this is goodbye.
How many friends have I lost due to my carelessness? How many people have walked in and out of my life? Too many. Way too many.
I dial my go to number other than Soph because she's out with her family for dinner tonight. Aaron picks up immediately. He never misses a call from me. Especially when we're apart and I'm at my dorm while he's at the apartment.
Hey kid.
Hey A. What's up?
What is it?
What?
You sound like you've been crying.
Shit. Is it that obvious?
No. But I'm your brother. I can tell.
You caught me.
What's wrong? Do you want me to come over?
No. There's no need for that. I just wanted to talk to somebody.
Well then talk to me. I'm all ears.
Aaron...I think I lost Miles today. For good.
What? How?
He told me he had feelings for me.
That bastard. I knew it. Me and Soph literally called it.
And you didn't think to give me a heads up?
I didn't want to freak you out in case we were wrong about him. That kids really hard to read. He always kept his guard up but there were little things he'd do that just had me so suspicious.
Like what?
He'd wear your favorite colors for one.
What?
Yeah. You'd say something like I love the color red and then the next day you'll find that kid in a red hoodie and red shoes.
That's obviously a coincidence.
I told myself that too. But trust me, there's more.
More?
He fucking gave up his family business because you practically told him to. He would drive thirty minutes every morning to get you bagels from your favorite bagel place so you can start your day off right. He even watched Harry Potter with you when Gina specifically told me that her brother has a fear of Voldemort and he used to have nightmares of him all the time as a kid. He even listen to your favorite bands when he's shown great dislike towards them in the past.
I-I never noticed any of that. I thought he gave up the business because he just wanted to stop the sketchy shit. God why am I so stupid?
I don't blame you Ella. And he shouldn't either. You had so much on your fucking plate. Going to therapy, going to college, dealing with your nightmares, with the insomnia, the depression, the suicidal thoughts. It's not your fault.
I said that to him tonight. But it feels like I had the power to avoid something like this and I didn't use that power.
Did he get mad at you?
Very.
What'd he say?
He asked me why I can't love him like.. like I loved Timmy.
What a jerk. I can't believe he'd ask you that.
Well he's kind of right.
He's not right.
Yes he is. It's not normal. I should be over it by now.
It is normal. You loved that kid to death. Hell so did I. We've had Timmy in our lives since we were kids. It's normal that it's taking you this long to get over him.
The thing is that he probably moved on. I know he did. He's just so charismatic all the time. He has this amazing personality. The girls in Cali are probably all over him by now.
I doubt that.
Why?
Because you broke up with him remember? He didn't want it to be over. You ended things. He's probably struggling just as much as you are in this.
I hope not. I hope he's happy. I truly hope he found someone that treats him well.
Do you really mean that?
Yes. I do.
I thought you said you still loved him?
I do. I love him a lot.. enough to let him go. I can't hold onto what we had forever. Neither can he.
Shit El. You just keep on surprising me. You're way too good for this world you know that?
I'm an asshole Aaron. I'm not good.
Says who?
Probably Miles.
He'll get over it.
I don't think he will.
Do you feel better now?
Mhmm. I do. It's nice to talk things out. Therapy thought me that. But thanks for listening to me A.
No problem kiddo. Don't forget to take your meds though. You have an appointment with Dr. Darla tomorrow remember.
I know. I remember. Goodbye A.
Goodbye El.
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Ahhhhhhh!!
I fucking missed this so much. I haven't uploaded a chapter for you guys in such a long time. I still haven't stopped writing though, but most of the stuff I write isn't good enough to post on here. I hope this was enjoyable though and let me know if you missed Ella and Timmy's story just as much as I did.
Also, I've been working on an original story. It's not a fan fiction it's just a story that I came up with and it includes my own characters. If I decided to upload it would anyone be interested in reading it? Please let me know :))
Love you guys so so much and I hope you're doing well these day.
Xoxo