hello! sorry for not being able to update in a while. these past few months have been pretty tough, but i'll keep trying my best to update more <3
Don't cry! Don't cry! I begged myself over and over again as I sat on top of the bed, watching the school nurses tend to my bleeding arms and knee. However, no matter how much I try to stop my tears from falling, they continue to rebel against me.
I can still feel the girl's nails digging under my skin, her hand pulling my hair mercilessly, and the anguish in her cries and curses.
"Ms. Cohen, gusto mo ng tubig?" tanong ng nurse kaya umiling ako at pililt na ngumiti sa kabila ng mga luha.
"Ms. Cohen, tahan na. Baka mamaya atakihin ka ng asthma mo niyan," sabi naman ng isa pang nurse.
"B-Bata pa ho ako noon, wala naman na--" I choked on my own tears and ended up sobbing again. Hiyang-hiya ako sa kawalan ko ng kontrol sa sarili kong emosyon kaya napadungo na lamang ako.
One of the nurses sat right next to me and started rubbing my back, consoling me with words that I couldn't even hear because of my own cries.
Just as they got done patching me up, the door flung open. A woman in her 40's entered. She had a pale and panicked look on her face. "Ms. Cohen, I am really sorry for what happened! Please, tell us what you need!"
I need to stop crying! For God's sake, why can't I stop crying?!
I blinked in shock when the woman suddenly squatted right in front of me. She grabbed ahold of my hand, and I was surprised at how hers were so cold and shaky.
"Oh God, what has that brat done to you," she said with a horrified look on her face.
I gasped. "W-Wait, will these turn into scars?! Will my face have scars from now on?!"
No! Oh God! No! My Mom will lose it!
"Hindi, Ms. Cohen. Some of the scatches will heal in a few days," mabilis na agap ng nurse kaya kahit papaano ay nabunutan ako ng tinik.
"What about the other scratches?!" The woman asked again, still with a horrified look on her face.
"Mrs. Gertrude naman, tinatakot mo naman si Ms. Cohen," sabi ng isa sa mga nurse kaya mabilis na napatayo ang babae at naupo sa kabilang panig ng kinauupuan ko.
"I'm sorry." Napahawak siya sa kanyang dibdib at marahas na napabuntong-hininga. Halata ang pangangatog ng labi niya, pero pilit pa rin siyang ngumiti. "I'm just worried for one of our most precious students. Again, I am so sorry for what happened especially on your first day. Don't worry hija, I will have those guards fired right away and we will hire better--"
"Please don't!" I cried out, shaking my head. "Please don't fire anyone because of me! Wala pong may--"
"Okay, dear. Okay, we won't fire anyone." The woman scrambled at her words. "But that student who attacked you! I assure you that the school will not tolerate--"
"Please don't expel her," pakiusap ko kaagad, bagay na ikinagulat nilang lahat. "Don't suspend her either. Let's just forget this ever happened. Please?"
"M-My..." The woman blinked and gasped. "You don't want her to be punished after what happened?"
"Sure ka, Ms. Cohen?" tanong naman ng isa sa mga nurse.
I nodded and pressed my lips together, trying to smile. "A-ayoko na rin po kasing palakihin ang gulo. Kung sana po pala, 'wag nang makarating sa mga Tita at Tito ko ang nangyari, lalo na po sa mga magulang ko."
"Oh sure, Ms. Cohen! God bless you!" Tinapik-tapik muli ng babae ang kamay kong hawak pa pala niya. "Gosh! You really are the golden girl of filimon heights with that golden heart you have!"
"Pero hindi ba dapat sabihin mo pa rin sa mga magulang mo---"
"Shhh!" Putol ng babae nang magsalita ang isa sa mga nurse. "Let's just grant our precious student's wish. Tell me young lady, what else can we do for you? By the way, I am Rolanda Gertrude, the guidance counselor of Rosepike University. I'm so sorry, I got so worried that I even forgot to introduce myself."
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "I want to talk to her."
***
Pagpasok ko pa lang sa guidance office, nakita ko kaagad ang babae na umatake sa akin. Nakayuko ang kanyang ulo at panay ang kanyang paghangos dala ng labis na pag-iyak.
Ginabayan ako ni Mrs. Gertrude paupo sa bakanteng upuan sa tapat ng babae, bago siya nagtungo sa kanyang mesa.
"Ms. Barbara, is there anything you want to say to Ms. Cohen?" Mrs. Gertrude spoke exasperatedly, far from how gentle and panicked she was when talking to me.
The girl right in front of me began sobbing again. I couldn't help but cry with her.
I looked up, biting my lips. "I'm sorry for what my brother did to you. You don't deserve that. No one deserves that."
Ms. Gertrude gasped while the girl's head sprung up. Her tearful eyes were filled with pure shock.
I swallowed hard, trying not to break down right in front of them. "I know my words won't do anything to lessen the pain he gave you, but please know that I'm sorry. My brother is a good person, it's just that..."
I hung my head down as I wiped my tears and swallowed my sobbing. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
"What are you waiting for? Apologize to her, too!" Narinig kong sigaw ni Mrs. Gertrude kaya naman mabilis akong umiling-iling, pero huli na.
My pain doubled when the girl began to apologize. I wanted to drown out her voice, but it only kept echoing inside my head.
"You should be thankful she's not pressing any charges! My God, Ms. Barbara! You're one of the engineering department's top students!"
"Please don't." Mariin akong pumikit at umiling-iling.
I heard Mrs. Gertrude heave a deep sigh. "Go to your class now, Ms. Barbara!"
Paglabas ng babae sa guidance office, saka lang din ako napabuntong-hininga at mas lalong naiyak. I kept my head low and covered my face as I continued to let out the tears that I've kept for so long.
Mrs. Gertrude moved beside me and started rubbing my back. She didn't say anything and just kept me company.
The heaviness in my chest somehow began to subside as moments passed by, however it was replaced by shame.
"P-Pasensya na po sa abala." I stood up when I realized how pathetic I must have seemed like. I kept trying to put on a smile as I wiped my tears away.
"No, Hija. You're always welcome here," Mrs. Gertrude said with a soft and calm look on her face.
***
I sighed just as I stepped out of the guidance office and closed the door. I was about to walk away, when I suddenly heard an unfamiliar voice.
"So that's it? You're not even going to have her punished?"
I turned around and saw the girl that we made fun of. The same girl who helped me when I needed it the most.
I didn't notice it earlier, but now that I'm standing close to her, I can see how pretty she is. She looks like a porcelain doll with thick make-up, colorful nails, and a fiery aura.
She sat on a monobloc chair with legs crossed. Abala siya sa pagbabasa ng isang comic book kaya hindi ko tuloy masiguro kung ako nga ba ang kausap niya.
"A-Ako ba?" I asked, my voice turned cold and nasally from all the crying.
She closed her comic book and stood up, her boots making a crisp thud on the floor. She began walking towards me, looking at me as if she's judging my entire existence.
I froze at her cold piercing gaze.
"You don't even want to hurt her even just a bit?" her eyebrow raised.
I was taken aback by her question. I couldn't even move.
Our elbows brushed against it each other as she grabbed ahold of the doorknob right behind me. Just as she opened the door, a smirk rose up her lips as she whispered to me, "Plastic."
She went inside and closed the door. The clicking of the knob felt like the switch that snapped me back to my senses.
"She's not the one I want to hurt," wala sa sariling lumabas ang mga salita mula sa bibig ko.
I sighed before walking away.
Hindi pa ako masyadong nakakalayo nang bigla kong makasalubong ang nurse na nag-asikaso sa akin, kasama ang isang lalakeng estudyante na may bulak sa dalawang butas ng ilong. Napansin ko kaagad ang patak ng dugo sa polo ng lalake.
"Hello! Nakalmot ka ba ng pusa?" Masiglang kumaway sa akin ang lalake kaya naman natawa ako nang wala sa oras at napatingin sa mga braso kong namumula pa.
"Wolverine," I giggled, raising my swollen arms and placing them across my chest.
"Wakanda 'yan eh!" He pouted, raising both of his arms across his chest just like I did. "Wakanda Foreva!"
"May tao ba sa loob, Ms. Joe?" tanong ng nurse sa akin.
Tumango ako. "Nasa loob 'yong pretty girl na naka-black."
"Pretty..." Napatingin sa direksyon ng pinto at lalake at humalakhak na parang siraulo. "Pasok na tayo Ma'am Nurse."
Natawa ang nurse at itinuro ang upuan malapit sa pinto. "Maupo ka na nga lang doon."
Our interaction was short, but it sure made me smile. But as I was walking along the corridors, I began to wonder. Ano kayang nangyari at dumudugo ang ilong ng lalake at nasa guidance counselor pa siya? Is he sick? I hope not.
***
"Akala ko hapon ka pa uuwi?" gulat na tanong ni Yaya Shakira nang madatnan niya ako sa kwarto. Dali-dali akong nagtalukbong ng kumot sa katawan at ibabaw ng ulo para huwag niyang makita ang mga sugat ko.
"Orientation lang po kasi," I lied and giggled, hoping she wouldn't notice my hoarse voice, swollen eyes, and scratches on the face.
"Ah.." Tumango si Yaya at ngumiti. "Siya nga pala, nasa baba ang daddy mo. Sabayan mo na siyang magtanghalian."
I swallowed hard and shook my head, trying to keep my smile from faltering. "Busog po ako eh, mamaya na lang."
Buong araw wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi magkulong sa kwarto ko. Namalayan ko na lamang na gabi na nang muling bumalik si Yaya sa kwarto ko.
"Oh? Ba't ang dilim at ang lamig dito?" tanong ni Yaya. "Masama ba ang pakiramdam mo?"
"Yaya naman, may pinapanood akong movie! For cinematic experience 'to!" sabi ko na lamang nang 'wag na siyang mag-alala pa.
"Kung ano-ano talaga ang naiisip mong bata ka." Natawa siya at unti-unting umatras at sinara ang pinto. "Siya nga pala, maghapunan ka na doon."
"Si Mommy po?" tanong ko, hindi gumagalaw sa kinahihigaan.
"Mamaya pa raw siya makakuwi, pati rin ang Daddy mo. Ang kuya mo naman, nasa kwarto na niya. Kumain na raw kasi sila ng barkada niya," paliwanag ni Yaya.
"Yaya, dalhan mo na lang din ako ng food dito please? Ayokong iwan 'tong pinapanood ko eh. Sobrang ganda na ng mga nangyayari," pakiusap ko para lang 'wag na nilang makita pa ang mga kalmot at sugat sa katawan ko. Mabuti na lang at mabilis kausap si Yaya.
Nang muling sumara ang pinto, tuluyang binalot ng kadiliman ang buo kong kwarto.
Somehow, in the midst of cold and darkness, I found solace.
However, the comfort of the dark and cold room wasn't enough to bring me to sleep. It wasn't enough to silence the thoughts that haunt me day and night.
Dressed in my oversized hoodie, I found myself walking in the middle of the hallway, looking at the pictures that hung on the wall. The photos chronicled our lives, from infancy to our teenage years.
In every photo, we had the brightest smiles. In every photo, we had achievements to boast. In our family portraits, we look so happy.
My feet stopped the moment I found myself standing right in front of my brother's room. Without knocking, I opened the door and found him lying face down on his face. He didn't even bother changing his clothes.
He raised his head from his pillow, without even looking at me.
"Sino ba 'yan?! Lumabas ka nga!" he said, sounding annoyed and tired.
"Inaway ako ng ex mo kanina." My voice came out cold and blank.
He stilled for a moment upon recognizing my voice.
"Malaki ka na, kaya mo na 'yan." He raised his hand and gestured for me to go away.
"Ex. Mo. Ulit," pagdidiin ko. "This isn't the first time, Kuya. You know that."
"Sigurado ka?" he asked with a bored tone. "Baka mamaya may naagawan ka pala?"
Naikuyom ko ang kamao ko. "Kailan ka ba magbabago?"
"Para kang kung sino makapagsallita ah?" pagak siyang humalakhak, hindi pa rin ako nililingon. "Baka nakakalimutan mo sino ang mas matanda sa atin?"
Then act like it!
"Lumabas ka na nga! Gabing-gabi, namb-bwisit ka pa," aniya, hindi pa rin ako nililingon.
Will you change if I tell you the truth? Or will you only get worse?
Will you finally be the good guy that you are? Or will you continue breaking other people's hearts?
Will the cracks disappear or will it completely destroy us?
Napakarami kong gustong sabihin, pero mas pinili ko na lamang na umatras at isara ang pinto.
Babalik na sana ako sa kwarto ko nang makita ko ang hagdan. Sa hindi malamang dahilan, mas pinili kong umakyat. Naglakad ako nang naglakad hanggang sa marinig ko ang boses ni Daddy na nagmumula sa kanyang opisina.
Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang pinto hanggang sa nakita ko si Daddy na nakaupo sa kanyang swivel chair, may kausap sa telepono. Nakaharap siya direksyon ng painting na nasa dingding, dahilan para hindi niya ako mapansin.
Parang nalunod ang isip ko sa bawat tawa at salita niya, hanggang sa napansin ko ang mga golf club na nakasandal sa dingding.
Something inside me was screaming for me to grab it, and so I did.
I swallowed hard as I held the steel cold golf club. The more I heard Dad's laughter, the tighter my grip became.
"Does my princess want to play golf?"
My eyes widened at my father's voice.
Mabilis akong napalingon at nakitang nasa likuran ko na siya. Inakabyan niya ako nang may ngiti sa mukha. Pero kaagad ding naglaho ang ngiti niya. "Bakit ka may mga galos sa mukha?"
"N-Nadapa lang, Dad." I tried to show him my sweetest smile even if my heart felt like it was about to explode. "I'll be more careful next time. Good night."
I turned to the door, but Dad spoke again, making me stop.
"Saan mo dadalhin ang golf club ko? May activity ba kayo sa school?" Nakita ko ang kalituhan sa mukha ni Daddy. Hindi ko alam anong isasagot kaya tumango na lamang ako at ngumiti saka naglakad palabas.
Nang makabalik sa kwarto ko, naihagis ko sa kama ang golf club. Para akong hindi makahinga kaya naman lumapit ako sa bintana at mabilis itong binuksan. Saktong napansin ko ang sasakyan ni Mommy sa driveway.
Naiiyak man, pilit kong pinigilan ang mga luha ko sa pagpatak. Dali-dali akong bumaba at nagtungo sa workshop ni Mommy.
I smiled the moment I found her knitting on her table.
"Mommy!" Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit mula sa likuran. Confident ako na hindi niya gaanong mapapnsin ang mga kalmot sa braso ko dahil sa suot kong hoodie.
"My baby kolehiyala!" Mom quickly turned to look at me, and just like Dad, her smile disappeared the moment she saw my face. Mabuti na lang at may handa na akong script para sa kanya.
"Nadapa ako kanina, sobrang nakakahiya. Mabuti na lang at may tumulong sa akin," pagda-drama ko, bago pa man siya makatanong. "Konting galos lang dito sa face, but no worries, hindi daw mags-scar."
"Oh My!" She covered her mouth, looking horrified. "Marami bang nakakita?!"
Umiling ako at tumawa. "Just a couple of students. Lucky for me, this really pretty girl came to my rescue. She's really cool, pretty, and nice!"
"Talaga? Sino?" Mom beamed. " Should we send her a gift basket? What does she like? Ano ang business ng family nila?"
Natawa ako sa mga tanong ni Mommy kaya naman naghila ako ng upuan at tumabi sa kanya. "Mom, ano kayang pwede kong gawin para maging friends kami? She's really cool and nice, I want to be friends with her!"
Mom snapped her fingers as if a light bulb suddenly turned on up her head. "I got new lippies for you earlier. Let's just give it to her, tapos I'll bake a cake for her. How does that sound?"
"Sige, Mommy! Tapos I'll help!" I nodded right away, excited at the thought of being friends with such a cool girl.
***
"Hello! Can we be besties?" I practiced what to say and how to smile as I walked along the campus grounds. "Hi! I think you're so cool, can we be friends?"
I cleared my throat and tilted my head, trying to smile even sweeter as I acted like I was handing the cake. "Hello, I baked a cake for you. Friends na tayo ha?"
"Okay! Thanks, friend!"
Nagulat ako nang may bigla na lamang may umagaw sa box ng cake ko. Nahinto ako sa paglalakad nang makitang si Sawyer lang pala.
"That's not for you. Akin na nga 'yan!" Akmang aagawin ko na ang cake nang bigla niya itong itinaas sa ere.
Napasimangot na lamang ako at sinamaan siya ng tingin. Walang-wala ang height ko sa kanya kapag naka-high heels ako, ano na lang kaya ngayong naka-wedged shoes ako?
"Para kanino ba 'to? Manliligaw ka?" pang-aasar niya at tiningnan ako mula ulo hanggang paa. "Mag-attend ka ba ng binyag o maghuhugas ng pinggan?"
"How dare you!" Napahawak ako sa bewang at napangiwi. "This tweed orange dress is Chanel, and these black designer gloves came from Paris!" giit ko sabay taas ng dalawa kong mga kamay.
I have to hide my scratches kaya I have no choice but to wear a long-sleeved dress and gloves. Mabuti na lang din at natatago ng make-up ang scratches ko sa mukha.
Tinawanan lang ako ng bakla at tinuro ulit ang cake. "Sino nililigawan mo? Gusto mo tulungan kita?"
Confident akong umiling at sinuklay ang mahaba kong buhok gamit ang mga daliri. "My charms alone will do."
Ngumiwi si Sawyer at binalik sa akin ang cake. "Charms? 'Yang dandruff mo ba?"
Napasinghap ako at napatakip sa bibig ko. "Excuse me! I don't have dandruff! Baka ikaw, puro muta!"
"Muta?" He tilted his head and started reaching for the side of his eyes. He then pointed his fingers to me and grinned.
"Hey..." I gasped and took a step back.
He nodded and grinned even wider, still pointing to me. "Pahid ko sa'yo ha?"
"Kadiri ka!" I had no choice but to run away, with him chasing me.
***
Humahangos ako habang yakap ang box ng cake. Maingat ako sa bawat dinadanaan dahil bukod kay Sawyer, baka pag-tripan din ako ng iba pang mga kaibigan ni Kuya. Kung si Apollo sana, okay lang, ibibigay ko pa pati ang pearl hair clips ko.
Napatingin ako sa relo ko at napangiti ako nang makitang may isang oras pa ako bago ang klase ko. Sinadya ko talagang dumating nang maaga para hanapin si lil demon na hindi naman demon kasi sobra siyang pretty at nice.
Mrs. Gertrude was so nice to me. Pangalan lang ni lil not demon ang hiningi ko, pero tinulungan niya pa akong makuha ang full schedule niya. I'm really happy to know that we're both taking up business at same classes pa!
"I guess we're really destined to be friends." I giggled and continued to look around our building area.
"Found you!" I jumped up and down when I finally spotted her sitting all alone inside a gazebo, reading her comic book.
I started skipping towards her, the smile never leaving my face. Huminto lang ako saglit para ayusin ang buhok ko, pati na ang damit ko.
"Hi!" I beamed.
She looked up at me. Her lips contorted, looking so annoyed to see me. Annoyed? Disgusted? Indifferent? I don't know.
I waved and flashed my sweetest smile. "Argentina San Carlos, right? I'm Joana Therese--"
"Yeah, I don't care." She looked down to her comic book again and continued reading.
That hurt a little, pero natawa na lamang ako. "Thank you pala talaga for helping me yesterday. Here's a little something for you."
I couldn't stop smiling, excited ako sa reaction niya.
I placed the box of cake right in front of her, along with the pouch of brand new lippies. "I hope you'll like these."
All of a sudden, Argentina closed her comic book and looked up at me with the coldest pair of eyes.
Naupo ako sa tapat niya, hindi natataggal ang ngiti sa mukha. "I don't know which flavor you like--"
"Get lost," she said coldly.
Sorry siya, immuned na ako sa bato trinity a.k.a Kuya Jethro, Denver, and Silver.
"Also, the lippies, hindi ko alam kung--"
"Ganyan ba talaga kayong mayayaman? Akala n'yo nadadaan sa pera at materyal na bagay ang lahat?" She looked at me with so much spite. But hindi naman kami magkakilala, so baka hindi para sa akin ang galit niya. I guess my issue siya sa mga mayayamang tao?
I shrugged. "I acknowledge my privileges, pero I'm trying my best to achieve my goals with my own blood, sweat, and tears."
I grinned inwardly. Sana ma-gets niya 'yong reference para may common ground kami hihi.
"Get. Lost," she repeated, her voice emphasizing every word.
"Come on," I chuckled and sat across her. "I think you're so cool and nice. Can we be friends?"
"Friends? With you?" pagak siyang humalakhak. Kung maka-react, parang napakalaking kalokohan ng sinabi ko. Ouchy.
"Bakit? I'm not so bad?" Natawa ako. "I can be annoying pero--"
"You're a two-faced spoiled brat who lives off your Mom and Dad's money. The Golden Girl of Filimon Heights? That's the cheesiest thing I've heard. You're not gold, but Pyrite. You may have fooled people with your smile and sweet shit, but not me. Your kind annoys the hell out of me, so get lost," she said without even breaking eye-contact.
I'd be lying if I say her words didn't hurt, but I'd be lying if I say none of it was true.
Tumango-tango na lamang ako at tumayo. Bago pa man ako tuluyang makalabas ng gazebo, lumingon ako ulit sa kanya.
"Ano na naman?" She raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms.
"Pupusta ko ang pearl hair clips ko, magiging friends tayo. Enjoy mo ang cake ha!" I grinned and winked. Parang gusto ko siyang asarin kaya nagpahabol na rin ako ng flying kiss bago nagtatakbo palayo.
//