We hadn't discussed birth control again since the fight, Jake's last words on the matter were nothing but snores as I lay next to him, fists balled, waiting for an apology, or at least extend some haggling compromise as a way to talk the matter out. Except he didn't, and I remained awake, trapped inside my angry body for hours, bolting from the bed when Annabelle's cries start up near 2 in the morning.
Did you know the sound of a ringing phone was modeled after a baby's cries? Phone desginers needed something to touch the primitive human reflex that makes a person not only pay attention, but get up off their ass and attend.
I sprinted down the hallway before most of me had woken up, the spurt of adrenaline, the fear at a child's pained cries. I found Annabelle, eyes closed, tears and snot streaking down her flushed face. Hot to the touch, one hand cupped over her ear.
An ear infection. Or those 2-year-old molars coming in. The thermometer blinked 100.2 when I tucked it into her armpit, and I immediately dosed her with the time-honored children's cocktail of grape flavored pain medication served in a tiny eyedropper.
For twenty minutes, I rocked her in the dark as she whimpered, my back aching from sitting upright and supporting her clutching weight. Surrounded by cast off lovies and the cloying smell of diapers and diaper liners and things washed in baby detergent. Eventually, she slept.
I lived in the no man's land between sleep and wake. The new baby rolled inside me, kicking, and it hit me how vulnerable I was. Soon, there would be an infant as well as Annabelle. I tried to imagine caring for my toddler as a newborn cried in my arms, screaming to be fed. Before, I'd had the safety-net of sleeping when Annabelle slept. Two kids could keep me up for days without a break.
Tomorrow, I'll have to take Annabelle to the doctor, and then probably the pharmacist. The rest of the day would be snuggling her to health. And oh shit, I'll have to get to the grocery store because Jake's brother and his wife will be driving through town, and we're supposed to have them for dinner.
Already exhausted before the day even began, I tried to imagine doing it without Jake. Either because we'd separated or I'd pissed him off and he's realized he doesn't actually have to help me with anything. I'd have to go back to work. I tried to calculate my paycheck and whatever alimony I might get in a divorce, whether it would cover child care. I'd seen women with kids get divorced before. Watched how they kept finding themselves a little in the red, like a noose pulling slow but tight around their neck. With the housing market in California, I'd need to find roommates.
I tucked Annabelle under her covers and went back to my room, sliding into bed. I grabbed Jake by the dick and squeezed, smiling when he kissed me. I needed him on my side until I figure out exactly how fucking angry I am, and what it's going to cost me. Until then, I really can't afford to alienate him.