warnings: mentions of suicide, alcohol consumption.
(small time jump)
Five AA meetings down, and dozens to go. You enjoy them - you do- they're a big motivation to keep you going. You haven't had many urges this week, but it isn't Friday yet, and that's when they usually roll around. You over-worry about the situation, although it is very common for urges to skyrocket during the weekend.
When the weekend comes around, you avoid spending your time alone in your apartment. Therefore, you spend it with Reid. You see one another every day yet claim you don't spend enough time together. So overall, it's a win win situation.
As you move throughout your apartment- grabbing a breakfast bar and munching on it- you call Reid, hoping he'll answer. He always does, but you worry he won't. Every single time.
The phone rings and after a few, he picks up.
"Hey, how are you?" He asks, his voice soft.
You finish chewing, swallowing down the bar afterwards. "I'm uh," you pause. "My urges are low right now, but maybe it's because I'm not under a lot of stress."
"That's good, that's really good," he replies.
You murmur a "mhm" and continue your way to your room. You open your closet and begin scrambling through to find an outfit. "Hey Reid what shirt should I wear? Red tank top with a blazer or blue V-neck long sleeve?"
"I- uhm," he hesitates. "Red tank top and blazer."
"Thanks," you say as you take out your black blazer, red tank top and black pants combination. You then nip over to your dresser and pull out the first drawer, taking out a pair of rose panties and a matching bra.
"So, how did you sleep? Have you ate?"
You roll your eyes lightheartedly as you put your phone on speaker, placing it on your bed so you can begin changing. "I slept okay, and I did. A breakfast bar."
You pull down your pants and underwear, throwing them across the room into your hamper. You then take your underwear and slide them on, quickly running over to your dresser to grab your lotion.
He sighs, his tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth. "Do you want me to bring you any food? I just don't want you to be hungry."
"No, I'm good. Thank you though," you say.
You take your shirt off as well and throw it into your hamper, the bawled piece of clothing almost missing the hamper. You then clasp on your bra and lather your skin with lotion, making sure it's all smoothed out before putting on your tank top.
"Do you need me to pick you up?" He asks.
You shake your head, stopping after a second due to his inability to see your gesture. "No, i'm taking the metro."
He scoffs, "I'll pick you up, don't worry. See you in twenty minutes."
"Reid hold on I'm not r-"and just like that, he hangs up. "Ready." You groan, rolling your eyes as you pick up your tank top and pull it over your head.
You slide on your pants and button them, nipping over to your door to grab your belt. You loop the belt through your pant hoops and buckle it, adjusting it once you're done.
You rush to your drawer once more and pull out your second drawer, taking a pair of black ankle socks. You put those on then grab your pair of boots from your closet and zip them on.
You don't enjoy rushing around in the morning, it burns you up, turning you into a sweaty mess. You usually plan to do something different with your hair-curling or straightening it- but in cases like this, you can't.
You run to your restroom and mess with your hair, parting it in the middle and letting it rest on your shoulders.
You've already brushed your teeth, so you grab your make up bag from your cabinet and unzip it. You only have ten minutes, so you opt for low makeup- mascara, blush, and lip gloss.
You take out your lash curler and curl your eyelashes, taking your mascara wand out and applying a thin coat on them. You then grab your blush and tap your brush onto it, tapping away the extra powder before rubbing the light pigment onto your skin. Lastly, you take a light pink tinted lip gloss and run it across your lips, popping them to make her the color is on.
You look down at your watch- 5 minutes. You quickly zip your products back in your makeup bag and stuff it back into your drawer. You turn off your light and nip back into your room, pulling on your blazer before grabbing your bag and running to the door.
You turn back around, hesitantly looking around to make sure you have everything. You do. You close the door and walk into your living room, pacing around as you wait for a knock.
You check your watch, and right as you do, a knock pulls your attention. You walk over to the door and check the peephole, making sure it is indeed Reid. You gaze through the hole, giggling to yourself as you take in the awkwardly standing Spencer Reid in front of your door.
You shake your head and unlock the door, twisting and pulling the knob. You twitch a welcoming smile and he steps back, letting you walk out.
You close the door and take out your keys, fumbling with them for a second. You grab the correct one and stick it in the lock, turning it to hear a locking sound. You grin in satisfaction and swivel back around, averting your attention to Reid.
"So, how's your morning been?" you ask as you descend the stairs.
"I read," he replies. He purses his lips, his face contorting as though he's hiding something.
You scoff hesitantly, pausing for a second as Reid opens the door for you. "How many books?" you continue, walking through the door and into the conflicted warm weather.
"Three."
You scrunch your eyebrows together as you walk up to his car. "Only? What's wrong?" You ask, opening the door. You lower yourself in his car and set your bag on the floor, buckling yourself up afterwards. You think he'll reply once he settles inside, but he doesn't. "Reid, what's wrong?"
He heaves a sigh and takes his keys out of his pocket. "I'm not sleeping," he notes plainly. His voice is low and dull. He looks and sounds in pain and you want to understand why. "I'm not sleeping because when I sleep alone, I dream about the time I found you on the floor."
Your heart stops immediately. You know what you did had a negative impact on him, and you feel guilty every single day for that reason. For a split second when you were on the cold wooden floor, you thought that maybe life for him would be easier if you were gone, but now you can see how wrong that was. He's hurting. You can see the physical and internal damage you've caused.
You turn your body to face him and lift your hand up to his cheek, his soft skin freezing your thumb. You can feel the warmth leave his body. "Every time you're in my arms, I feel the sweetest relief imaginable, and I don't want to let you go."
You caress his cheek with your thumb, wiping away the tears that stream down. "I'm sorry," you whisper, pulling his head to your chest. You let him cry in the crook of your neck, a feeling you've never experienced. You lay your chin on his head, a few tears streaming out of your eyes as well.
He's frustrated. Frustrated that he can't stop you from relapsing, or from trying to do anything to yourself again. He believes that he's doing more harm than good, you know it. But he's the best help you've received in your entire life.
He's an angel and you can't believe you hated him. You can't believe that whenever you thought about the word 'detestation,' Reid would pop up. Those feelings of hate towards Reid still come around now and then, but they dissipate once he wraps his arms around you.
Spencer is fragile. He may seem like he has his shit together, but he doesn't. He's like a porcelain doll who's broken but is put together using Elmer's glue. He has been knocked down so many times and every time he gets back up, he acts like nothing happened. He suppresses his emotions to satisfy those around him, and he sure as hell is good at that.
After a few moments, he removes himself from the crook of your neck, sniffling as he wipes his tears away. You watch him, the way he shakes away the emotions that just took over him. He's good at hiding how he feels on the inside.
Your lips part, and you swallow the lump in your throat. "Reid," you say. "How about I drive?"
He nods and takes his hands off of the steering wheel. He unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the door, stepping out and maneuvering around the car onto your side. You step out and run around to the drivers side, lowering yourself inside. You buckle your seatbelt and turn to check if Reid is settled as well. He is, so you pull out of the parking spot and begin driving.
Reid stays quiet, and you have no mind keeping the silence throughout the car ride. You flick your eyes to him every now and then, but this time specifically, he's asleep. His body is facing the window and his head is leaned back against the head rest.
You continue driving, tapping your fingers against the steering wheel. You hum quietly to yourself the entirety of the ride, hearing the sound of Reid sleeping quietly. After around twenty minutes, you pull into the parking lot and park the car. You turn off the car and place the keys in your blazer pocket.
You nudge Reid's shoulder, waking him up from his short nap. He shifts in his seat and his eyelids flutter open. He rubs his eyes and yawns, unbuckling his seatbelt afterwards. He grabs his bag from the floor and opens the door, stepping out into the cold. You do the same- unbuckling your seatbelt and taking your bag from the back of the car.
You step out and make your way into the building, following behind Reid. He holds the door open for you and you offer a small thank you, brushing past the others who are exiting the building. You reach the elevator and the doors open, a couple of men and women stepping out.
You wait till they all spew out and then step inside, Reid and three other people following in after him. You press the correct button and the doors close, the elevator moving up slowly. You tap you roll on the balls of your feet, playing with your fingers as you move up.
The elevator comes to a halt and the doors open once again. You whisper "excuse me's," to the workers as you move out, stepping onto your floor. Your eyebrows scrunch together as Emily and JJ rush through the glass doors, the rest of the team following behind them.
"Get your go-bags, we have a case," she states.
You nod and rush past the filing group members, rushing to your desk and taking your set of keys out. You fumble in your pocket and pull them out, choosing the red-color coded one and sticking it into the last drawer. You open the drawer and take out your go-bag, throwing it over your shoulder then locking your drawer.
You throw Reid his keys and he opens his drawer as well, taking out his go-bag and slinging it over his shoulder. He rushes behind you and through the glass doors, where the team is holding the doors open for you.
You quickly get in and scoot in next to Tara. You look up at her and offer a warming smile, to which she reciprocates. As the doors close, Penelope stands outside, waving you all a goodbye.
+++
"No questions, Godfather II, hands down," states Prentiss, looking at you and Reid.
Tara shakes her head from across the jet. "No, No. Gotta be Scarface."
JJ looks at both Emily and Tara, raising her hands in disagreement. "For me, The Untouchables. Spence?" She asks, her eyes planted on Reid.
Reid removes his eyes from the file in his hands. "Mm, probably Le Cercle Rouge, the 1970's French classic. But Den Tredje Vaagan is definitely a close second," he replies.
You nod your head. "Gotta agree with Reid, Le Cercle Rouge is one good ass flick," you state.
Matt and Rossi's eyebrows raise as you agree with Reid. They aren't as aware as your change in heart about him, which is surprising due to the amount of times you walk out of work with him. But the more they don't know, the better.
JJ leans her head to the side, finding Rossi. "What about you Rossi? Best gangster flick ever."
"I've had too much of the real thing to be a fan of mob movies," he replies, taking a sip of coffee out of his mug.
Prentiss sits up and faces the small screen towards the back of the jet. "Garcia, did we get the crime scene surveillance video yet?"
Penelope pops up on the screen in front of you and she replies. "No ma'am, because there wasn't any."
Your eyebrows knit together, confusion taking over your face. "That's not possible. Every inch of the casino is surveilled every minute of every day," you note as you place your file on the table.
"Yeah. Apparently the footage was tampered with, so," Garcia says, shrugging.
"Alright. Reid, Y/N and Luke, go to the crime scene," she points. "Dave, you JJ and Matt find out if Savino was involved in anything the local authorities don't know about. Tara and I will contact the local FBI office and arrange a ceasefire with the families."
You nod and continue back to your file, reading through it once more.
+++
You stand next to Reid in the police office, standing in front of police officers, ready to give the profile. You look to your left, where Prentiss stands with her hands joined together.
"We're looking for a man who's killing those who appear to prey upon or take advantage of gamblers," she states. "Loan sharks and call girls so far."
"The killings mat have been triggered by recent gambling losses," Matt steps up.
"Our unsub is physically fit. He was able to overpower Danny Savino, and Patti Riolo was killed with extreme violence," Prentiss nods, her eyes skimming over the crowd.
"It's doubtful this person has a criminal record," Luke notes. "He moves without fear of being recognized in one of the most surveilled locales on the planet."
You lean against a table behind you, your hands rested on your thighs. You gaze at your thumbs, your cuticles gone from the amount of times you peel your skin off. You pull at your skin whenever your urges come to the surface, which isn't a good form of stopping yourself, but you do it anyways.
"Pathological gambling is the most common type of impulse control disorder in the world," Reid follows up after JJ.
"And there is no more superstitious creature in the world than a gambler," Rossi says. " The number eight is the ritual aspect to our unsub's signature. It's a compulsion. It could signify a birthdate or an important time in his life."
You clear your throat. "Not only is this unsub a killer, but he's also an addict. He's killed twice in the last two days and he may not be able to stop." You look at Prentiss, your lips pressed into a thin line.
"Thank you," she says. The crowd spreads apart and you get up from your spot, walking out into the precinct. This case is one of the less awful ones, but you find yourself shuddering from a weird feeling in your gut. This case is going to end badly, but you aren't sure how.
-
-
"Forensics found a fingerprint match on the last victim- Eddie Langdon. We're looking into him," states an agent that's been helping on the case.
Prentiss walks inside, her phone in her hand. She takes a seat next to JJ. "Any luck," JJ asks.
Prentiss puts her phone down, shaking her head. "No, they didn't want to allocate agency funds for the buy-in."
Rossi leans forward, his hands joined together on the table. "Well I can't imagine why not, we're only asking for 50,000 bucks of taxpayer money so that FBI agents can play Texas hold 'em," Rossi says in a sarcastic tone.
You raise your eyebrows, a soft grin pulling your lips. "Hey, what about you?"
"What about me what?"
"You could stake us the buy-in," you continue.
Reid sits down at the end of the table. "Yeah, you're a best selling author."
"No," Rossi exclaims.
You shake your head, rolling your eyes. "Why not?"
He raises his hands, beginning to list his points." One, it's against regulations, and I'd like to hold on to this job for a little while longer."
You stare in disagreement, shaking your head as he continues to shut down your ideas. Rossi is a millionaire- he has money and he definitely likes to flaunt it at times. This minor violation won't hurt him, he's just being stingy.
"And two, I prefer to spend my money on actual things, like single-malt scotch, a fine cigar, beautiful artwork," he rambles.
You look around at JJ, Emily and Reid, who are all staring at one another in disbelief. "Poker chips are things," JJ adds.
"Maybe just think about it as like," Reid brings up. "A new experience. I mean, at your age how often does that happen?" Reid obviously doesn't mean to offend Rossi, but he does. You kick him under the table, causing his to flinch at the sudden feeling.
Rossi slowly turns his head, his eyebrows scrunched together and his face contorted into a total look of offense. "At my what?"
You twirl the pen in your hand, looking desperately at Rossi. "Rossi, this may be our only chance at catching this guy." Your words send Rossi into a moment of questioning. He agrees shortly after, though, and you all settle on sending in Reid.
You all get up and drive to the casino where you all believe he's located. While you stay outside in a van scanning pictures Tara took of members entering the casino, Reid falls in line behind them. Whenever he triggers the alarm, Prentiss along with other members will move in.
You, on the other hand, have to stay in the van. One, Prentiss ordered you to stay behind. And two, you do not have your gun- also Prentiss' orders.
As you stay inside of the food truck, Garcia explains one of the unsubs victims: Eddie Langdon. A high school dropout who started his own plumbing business that went bankrupt. He was in jail for six months back in 2005- the reason you received his prints in such a short amount of time.
You pay no attention to the victim, rather to Reid who you can listen in on. You sit patiently, scanning pictures upon pictures. Reid moves to a different table, where the unsub is presumed to be located. By the way he's speaking and he voices around him, he's already playing.
A couple of seconds pass by and he calls "straight," pissing the others around him. You can picture the scene in your head- the stare between Reid and the unsub. Everything. But, as most people know, Reid can pull questionable acts.
"Do you mind if I take a look at this?" He asks.
And as quickly as he does whatever he does, panic sets in and he's being pulled away from the table. You quickly get up as you hear the commotion, eyes all set on you as you jolt from your chair. Matt and Luke scrunch their eyebrows, almost a sense of "what the hell are you doing?"
You swallow the lump in your throat and slowly sit back down, sheathing your face from the team. As you sit down, the alarm goes off and Prentiss, Matt and Tara stand up, quickly exiting the truck.
Your heart rate picks up. You didn't like the sound of Reid being manhandled, even though he can defend and protect himself. You don't want Prentiss to become angry with you, so you wait awkwardly next to Luke.
"You really have a thing for pretty bo-"
"Shut up Alvez," you cut him off. You quickly get off of the truck and stand outside, opening your arms wide for Reid as he runs up to you. You embrace him in a hug as cop cars pull in front of the casino.
"Maybe don't be stupid next time," you whisper.
"I don't know if I can promise that."
+++
You, Reid and Luke all wait in the black SUV, waiting in case he does come back. You drum your fingers against your knees which are brought up to your chest. Your urges are low but they grow as you sit desperate for some form of action
You need to keep yourself busy, yet you want to refrain from any stress that comes your way. It's quite confusing how your brain works, but you understand everything it tells you, whether it makes sense or not.
"We have to go to Liz Dorsey's house- sister of Curtis Banks wife. Let's go," Reid states, reading the message sent to his phone. He puts the address into the GPS and Luke starts the car, pulling away from the parking spot.
The ride is silent but you don't care, you enjoy listening to the classical music that booms through the car. The music is turned down after you pull up next to the other black SUV. Luke turns off the car and you all open your doors in sync, stepping out and meeting the rest of the team.
"There's his car, he's in there," JJ points out.
You unstrap your FBI vest and take it off, Reid turning to you, his face full of concern. "Wh- What are you doing Y/N?"
You take your vest off and hand it to Reid. "Let me go in there and talk to him. I know how these guys think." You look over at Prentiss, a wary expression painted on her face. You tilt your head to the side, hoping she'll agree.
"Fine," she breathes out.
"I'll be okay," you whisper to Reid. You tap on his shoulder and jog up to the side of the house, peering through the window at the events unfolding before opening the door and walking in. You lift your hands up and walk through the kitchen. "I'm unarmed," you shout.
Curtis lifts his gun and points it at you. "I'm unarmed," you restate. You move in closer to the aggravated man, who has now taken Teri under his arm, choking her.
"Who the hell are you?!" He yells, directing the gun to Teri's head, then down to Liz who's sitting on the couch.
"I'm Doctor Y/N Y/L/N, with the FBI," you clarify.
"If you move, she's dead," he reprimands, moving his gun around. You stand in your place, keeping your hands up. You may not show it, but you are terrified, and the feeling in your gut is only growing worse and worse.
"The house is surrounded. Now you know there isn't another way out of this, Curtis. Let Teri and Liz go," you breath. "Let them go and I'll take their place, I promise."
He glances at the clock behind him, three times in the past minute and a half.
"I've seen a lot of killers in my time of working for the FBI, Curtis. But the thing is, you are nothing like them. You stumbled into this mess, and I can help you get out of it. But only if you let the women go."
Curtis points his gun at Liz, "Go!" He yells. Liz gets up and runs out of the door, leaving you, Teri and Curtis alone.
You flick your eyes out of the window then back at Curtis, your heart in your throat as you manage to speak. "Good. That's good Curtis. Now, Teri-"
"She's not going anywhere."
"You don't want to hurt her Curtis, she isn't the problem. It was your father."
He keeps the gun pointed at Teri, but he steps back into the living room. "Sit down," he tells you. you follow him into the living room and take a seat, leaving your hands up so he can see them. As you sit, JJ speaks in your ear, reminding you how he continues glancing at something to his left.
"Time is running out, I see it now." He looks to his left once again, this time the gun pushes deeper into Teri's neck.
"Whatever comes next, Teri, we're doing this together."
Your heart beats faster as you read the time on the clock, it reading 7:58. He needs more time. He's going to do something in two minutes- something fatal. As he continues rambling about his love for Teri, Prentiss, Matt and Tara move in. They hold their guns up at Curtis.
"Let her go," reprimands Prentiss. He stands there, waiting. Your eyes flick from the clock to his face, the color draining from it. He lets her go, and she runs to Reid, standing behind him. "Now, put your weapon down Curtis."
"I guess its true what they say," he pauses, silence slashing your skin. "The house always wins." After his words, he stands, waiting as the seconds pass by. After five seconds, he brings his gun underneath his chin and pulls the trigger, his blood splashing onto the ceiling.
You sit on the couch, a tear falling down your cheek as you see his lifeless body fall. You tune out the words of the team, but you feel yourself being lifted from the cushion and escorted out. You feel numb, stupid almost. You had a feeling, but you did nothing about it.
Reid takes you to the SUV and opens the door for you, pushing you inside. You sit in silence for a short moment, the feeling of him next to you appearing shortly after. He wraps his hands around your body, hugging you tightly.
You have no urge to speak, so you don't. You keep your silence as tears flood out of your eyes. You want to sliver away into the depths of darkness, where no one will hurt you and you will no longer see people die in front of your eyes.
But as you feel yourself breaking away, Reid begins to sing to you. He can't sing for the life of him, but it's the thought that counts.
And maybe you are okay, or you will be in the future at least. Maybe you'll live to hear Reid hum you to sleep every night. He's given you a list of reasons to live, and tonight you'll have to read it over.
Number 1: Fancy operas where you get to dress in fancy suits and dresses.
___
TW// SH
sorry for the long chapter, I got carried away and well... I almost wrote 5,000 words. but a tw: I did relapse on self harm and that is the reason I didn't update, but I hope you guys understand. writing makes me happy, so I will continue, I just need small breaks every now and then. I love you guys.
love,
kai