He was there.
And I knew he was. I saw him. I saw his shadow. I felt his presence.
Hindi niya alam na alam ko.
And I hated how prideful I was. I hated how I pretended I didn't notice him there.
After that day I didn't see him again, I let myself believe he came back to Barb.
That's how I cope up. That's how I moved-on.
That's how we truly ended.
And now.. he's back again.
Pakiramdam ko.. hindi talaga siya nawala..
"Ah, damn you. You're better off alone." I muttered to myself as I lay on my bed, feeling the comfort of the cold sheet. Kakauwi ko lamang galing sa trabaho.
Kahapon pa mabigat ang katawan ko pero parang mas lumala nang umamin si Hurricane kanina about sa oath-taking namin.. I wasn't expecting that.. sure, he's somehow failing in acting cold, he's not really good at it I guess. I just wasn't expecting na sasabihin niya lahat yon kanina.
I was totally left speechless.
Kasi, what should I say right? Na alam ko pero umakto akong hindi ko siya nakita? Besides, there's no sense in bringing back what we all have been trying to forget for years.
It's all useless now.
We can't go back now.
I heaved a sigh as I roamed my eyes around my room. Everything inside me felt so heavy. Nahihirapan akong tumayo, I'm dead tired. I tried getting up to get some medicine pero masyado akong pagod na pagod.. sobrang hirap bumangon.. I tried reaching for my phone but I was too weak.
The next morning, kahit may sinat pumasok pa din ako. I have patients, hindi ko pwedeng unahin ang sarili ko kesa sa mga pasyente ko. Ininom ko na lamang ng gamot kasi ganon naman lagi.
I've had worse during my first few years in residency.
"You look sick." Doc Atienza whispered beside me. Kakatapos lamang namin mag-rounds nang sinabayan niya ako mag-lakad.
"Sinat." I shortly replied.
"Ugh, it really sucks how we can't take leave hangga't hindi matter of life and death no?"
"We're doctors."
She shook her head as she pat me on my shoulders, "Drink meds. Need ka na malakas at focus."
I only nodded, hugging the chart I am holding. Wala naman akong ibang choice kundi gumaling at sapilitang alisin ang sinat sa katawan ko. Wow, if I can only do magic.
Dumiretso ako sa nurses station at humingi ng gamot, they always have extra. Nang makainom, dumiretso ako sa room ni Martine. Today's her discharge, I'll pay her a visit one more time since malabo na ulit na makapag kita kami sa mga susunod na buwan. Itutuloy din niya ang sa case ni Migs.
I can't help but worry, but at the same time sobrang saludo ako sa kanila. They have fears.. especially for their life but that doesn't stop them there. I didn't know much about laws and what their life is, ang nakikita ko lamang sa kanila, mulat sila sa karahasan na nangyayari.. and that's what fuels them to fight for what is right kahit karamihan sa naririnig ko sinasabing hindi maayos ang justice system dito.
"Chandy!"
I smiled walking towards her. Nakapag-palit na siya from hospital clothes to more decent one.
"Hey, are you ready?"
She crunched her nose. "Not really, see, I am leaving my fiancé here. But binulungan ko na siya kanina na bilisan niya na gumising. He'll wake up soon, right?"
"Let's pray for his fast recovery." was my reply. I can't say Kenzo will surely wake up soon kasi base sa co-doctor ko there's 50-50 chance he'll wake up. As doctors, we can't say or promise something sa family ng patient nang bagay na hindi namin hawak at sigurado.
She heaved a sigh, "Yes." Then she frowned, "Anyway, are you okay? You look.. different."
I was about to answer when the door opened, sabay kaming napatingin sa pumasok. It was Hurricane, umiwas na ako ng tingin bago pa mag-tama ang mga mata namin. Well, we're already awkward but he made it more awkward yesterday.
"Hey, Hurri! Wait, I'm almost done packing." Martine told her, saka lamang ako napatingin sa mga papers na nilalagay niya sa kanyang attached case. Ah yeah, pinadala niya yon mula nang magising siya.
"So.. I just passed by to say goodbye." I told Martine, inserting both of my hands in my coat's pocket. I can feel Hurricane's eyes on me.
"Oh, sure sure!"
Tumalikod na ako at lumakad palabas ng hindi siya tinitignan but my freaking ballpen dropped in the most inconvenient time! Payuko pa lamang ako nang mauna na si Hurricane pulutin yon. "Here."
He's too near..
His hands touched my fingertips, I breathed. "You're hot." He whispered, voice etched with concern at the same time nagging.. like he has the right.
Agad kong inabot ang ballpen, "Thanks." I replied glancing at him. His brows were furrowed as he looks at me. Like, asking me what the hell I am doing with my life. Napailing na lamang ako bago tuluyang lumabas ng kwarto.
Damn it.
Hindi na dapat ako mapalapit sa kanya.
Hindi na. Matagal na akong ayos.
Damn, seven years.. I didn't spend seven years of my life trying to move on from him, only to still get affected dahil lamang sobrang lapit niya. He still affects me.. hindi na malaki, hindi na sobra.. pero meron pa din.
Ah, shit.
I think I'm now hallucinating, lalagnatin na ata talaga ako.
When I came home natuloy na ang lagnat ko, sinubukan kong itulog pero kinabukasan mas tumaas lamang ang temperature ko. Today, I have proved na wala na talagang epekto sakin ang gamot. Parang immune na immune na ang katawan ko.
Hindi naman ako mapakali na walang gagawin kundi tumunganga buong mag-hapon. Sanay na ako na buong araw ko nakalaan sa hospital, na uuwi lamang ako para matulog.
My body was burning, my head was so heavy. Parang umiikot ang buong paligid, ah shit. Hindi na'ko makabangon para ipagluto ang sarili ko. Minsan lamang naman ako lagnatin pero matindi. And days like this make me so vulnerable.
This is one of the few moments I really felt so alone.. in normal days, okay lamang pero kapag ganito iba sa pakiramdam.. it's like my body was yearning for some comfort.. something I know na wala sakin.
Ah, damn it!
My phone rang, maybe it was Cy. I asked him na dalhin sakin ang papers ko after ng shift niya at iwan na lamang sa sala since may duplicate key siya ng condo unit ko. I tried reaching for my phone pero wala sa kama ko.. mariin kong napikit ang mata ko nang ma-realize na sa living room nang gagaling ang tunog.
Shit, I need to have my phone.
I felt my shoulders shaking as I cried just because I can't get hold of my freaking phone.. damn this.
**
Hindi ko alam gaano kahaba ba ako nakatulog or kung tulog pa ba ako because I can still hear the voice I've been hearing in my dreams for the past years.. this time, mas malinaw lamang.. mas totoo..
"Chandy.."
There goes his deep sexy voice filled with concern. I felt a thumb caressing my face gently as another hand delicately stroking my hair. I opened my eyes to that familiar touch.
"Hey, baby." He called, his brown orbs were deep in worry as he tried to smile.
"I'm sick.." I weakly uttered. I can hear the other part of my brain replying to myself, Obviously.
"Yes.. I'm here now, I'm here. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"
Umiling ako. We doctors, practically live inside the hospital pero pinaka ayaw namin mao-hospital. The irony, really.
"I just need to rest."
"Okay, we'll get you a rest. Just sleep, hm? I'll cook food for you so you can drink your meds. Okay?"
I just moaned as my eyes began dropping again.
"You're scaring me again," that's the last thing I heard before everything went black.
--
"Baby, wake up."
I felt his hand gently caressing my shoulder to wake me up, parang hindi nabawasan ang init ng katawan ko. Akala ko kapag tinulog ko ng tinulog aayos na din gaya ng dati.. but it just got worse.
I felt like crying again, hindi ako sanay na ganito kahina.
"Chandy.."
I slowly opened my eyes meeting his brown ones. His brows were furrowed in worry.. he's too near.. he's real.
He's really here.. how the hell did he get in here?
"Hey, you need to eat." He said. I groaned nang mapatingin sa hawak niya. Instant noodles. "I'm sorry, eto lamang ang mabilis iprepare."
It's not about the instant noodles. Wala talaga akong ganang kumain, I know I need to it but damn, para akong masusuka lamang. Moments like this, sobra sobra akong nakaka relate sa mga pasyente na pinipilit namin pakainin kahit ayaw nila.
"Wala akong gana.."
"You have to eat so you can drink your meds."
Amoy pa lamang ng instant noodles nasusuka na ako. Nag-iiba kasi ang pang-amoy ko kapag may lagnat, halos lahat ng pagkain ang sama sa pang-amoy.
"Limang subo, hm?"
He started lifting the spoon, I looked in his eyes, he's really determined na kainin ko ang noodles. I really don't have any choice kaya pumayag na lamang ako na subuan niya. Just as he promised, limang subo at hindi na niya ako pinilit pa. After that, he gave me my meds and water. Gusto kong sabihin na eto din ang gamot na ininom ko pero hindi umepekto but I stopped myself. I just oblige, hoping to get well soon.
He stood up, hawak hawak ang pinagkainan at baso ko bago lumabas. My head was really pounding hard kaya pumikit na lamang ako. Mga ilang segundo pa ang nakalipas nang maramdaman kong lumubog ang space sa tabi ko.
I felt his hands wrapping the blanket around my body, tucking me in carefully before laying beside me. I wanted to push him away but the moment I felt his warmth coating mine my body relaxed. This is what my body yearns for.
He placed my head on his arms as the other one wrapped around my waist, spooning me. I can feel his hot breath on the top of my head as his embrace tightened.
I wanted to curse my whole body when I suddenly felt better.. I am still sick but my whole being felt well. My heart's relax at the familiar sensation his touch brought me.
Then he started humming.. he was slowly humming the song I cursed a million times.
I remembered his promise, na sa tuwing maririnig ko ang kantang yon mapapangiti ako.. I wanted to tell him now na he was wrong.. He was so wrong as I felt tears streaming down the side of my face.. again.
And I knew he felt the liquids dropping on his arms, mas humigpit ang yakap niya bago niya ako mas inilapit sa kanya. "Rest, love."
And I truly did.
--
I remember waking up with my arms wrapped around the familiar warmth. Wala akong pang-amoy pero pakiramdam ko ang bango bango niya, mas humigpit ang yakap ko, siniksik ang sarili sa kanyang dibdib.
I felt him stirred from sleep, my hands were running on his back. I smiled. "I like how muscular you are now.. I really love muscles.. not totally muscle.. but slim..yet muscular..not OA tho.." I whispered.. sure as hell, he won't hear me.
But his slow and deep chuckle told me otherwise! His chest was moving sexily from chuckling kaya agad ko siyang hinampas. He didn't stop there instead, mas tumawa pa siya.
His laughter sound so good my body shivers. "Stop it."
"I should really thank Casper for pushing me to go to gym. It all paid off, now."
Hindi ako agad umimik. Gusto ko siyang tignan pero ayokong masira agad lahat ngayon.. alam ko, kapag nakita ko na ang mata niya.. babalik na ulit sa dati ang lahat.
"Don't overdo it, anyway. This body's perfect now.." I replied after a while. He chuckles again as I felt the vibration to my body. His embrace tightens even more. "We shouldn't be hugging you know.." I whispered.
But this feels good.
I haven't felt this warmth and contentment for the past seven years..
This really feels good.
"I've been restless for the past seven years, Cha. Ngayon ko na lamang ulit naramdaman to." I felt him kissing the top of my head. "Can't we have this time kahit saglit lang?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Ayokong sumagot.
"Ikaw.. ang pahinga ko." I heard him whispered.
**
I was tiptoeing the whole time habang paikot ikot sa condo. Hurricane was still sleeping soundly sa loob ng room habang nag-aayos na ako para pumasok sa trabaho.
I am already okay nang magising ako. I know, I should rest some more pero ayokong tumigil dito na wala ng lagnat habang katabi si Hurricane sa kama. I cursed when I remembered his sleeping face again when I woke up kanina. He really looks so peaceful there.. pero hindi nawala ang higpit ng yakap niya. Ah damn, nararamdaman ko padin ang yakap na'yon.
That was the first time I sleep that good after seven long years. I never knew I needed that kind of peace and comfort. And I hate it; I hate how my whole being, apart from my logical brain, loved every second of it. I hate how it felt so good when it shouldn't. He.. he betrayed me. He was the source of my misery and pain for years yet one touch.. one hold and everything felt right again.
That's foolish, right?
Karupukan.
I shook my head as I get my sticky note. I wrote down the words before quietly entering my room again. He was still hugging the pillow I put kanina para di siya agad magising habang nag-aayos ako para makaalis.
Nilagay ko ang sticky note sa may bedside table bago mabilis na lumabas at umalis.
I shook my head, remembering what I wrote down.
Leave.