The cold winds don't even bother me since I can't feel them. My entire body is numb upon seeing the mark. I'm not even sure what kind of face I'm making, but whatever it is Seokjin takes one look at me and his hand automatically goes up to cover the side of his neck. He nervously waits for me to do something, but I can't even tell how I should react to this. I don't feel angry or jealous, I don't even feel sad. I don't feel anything.
"Who is he?" I ask. "It's not the same as last time."
His eyes go back to the snow by his feet before answering.
"A guy at work. He's in the new division I'm working for."
"Oh. I see. Is he kind to you?"
"He's... like most other alphas I guess."
I simply nod in response. An alpha at work, huh? They should be on about the same level of maturity if they work in the same place. Maybe they're closer in age too. If he's found someone to be with then who am I to come here and interfere? I can't get in the way of that happiness for him. This is what I wanted anyway. He should be with someone who treats him well, someone who is honest and respects him.
"I'm happy for you, Hyung. I was scared you'd still be upset over what I did, but it looks like you've moved on just fine. That's good. And I'm not being sarcastic, I genuinely am happy for you. I actually came here because of what Yoongi-hyung said about you. He told me you were heartbroken just like me and it made me very worried. My mind went to all kinds of places and I even thought you might die because of me. So silly, right? I don't need to worry about you at all. You're fine. Being with another alpha helped you. You've moved on. You have someone to take care of you now. If you've chosen to mate with someone then they must be worthy of you. It's a big relief actually. Now I don't need to feel like I've doomed the both of us. I can rest easy."
His eyes are slightly glossy when looking at me. He keeps his hand over the mark, perhaps to try and shield me from it.
"No, JK... I don't know how to explain this to you. I don't want you to get upset."
"I'm not upset. Really! I'm over the moon that you've found someone. I think it's great!"
He sighs.
"No, that's not it. I-I've been meaning to tell you that last week I had my heat and-"
"It's fine, Hyung! You don't need to explain yourself to me. He's your new mate, so of course he helped you. Don't worry, I'm not mad."
I try my best at being genuine but every reinforcement just makes him look more bothered. Does he feel that bad about moving on from me? Wasn't that the whole point of breaking up? Sure, the thought of him getting knotted by someone is more than slightly infuriating, but what can I do about it? Nothing. He's rejected me and moved on. I can't force him to be with me. Then I'd be just as bad as every other scary alpha trying to get a hold of him.
This is such a big relief though. He won't die of heartbreak. I'm so incredibly happy over that. He can live a happy, long life.
"JK, are you sure you're feeling alright?" he asks. "I don't think this is a normal reaction from your side. Shouldn't you be, I dunno... angry? You're worrying me."
"Oh, yes, I'm great! You needn't worry about me from now on, Hyung. Why would I be angry? We're not together. In fact you should just think of me as a complete stranger from now on. There's no reason for us to keep in contact. I'm sure seeing my face will just make you feel bad, so I'll save you the trouble. The same goes for me."
He shakes his head at me.
"What are you talking about? Are you just saying that because you're upset? You're not fine, JK. I can feel it all the way over here."
I realize he's probably referring to the stench of heartbreak. How embarrassing. Maybe I should've used a scent blocker too before coming out here.
"Yes, well, that's why you should just think of me as a stranger. I promised I'd be honest with you and the truth is that I will always love you, Hyung, even if you're with someone else. I know it's strange, but that's just how it is. I don't know if I can move on as smoothly like you have. A part of me wanted you to save me, but I realize you can't do that anymore. It's fine. I don't blame you for it. I had my chance and I blew it. It'll probably be easier for me too if you keep your distance. I don't want to worry you. If possible I want to just disappear without you ever noticing. I want your life to continue even if I'm gone. If I'm already cut off from you then you won't notice a difference."
"Don't say that. How will I ever be able to go on without you? Even if we're not together I still-"
"Sorry, Hyung, but I don't want to be friends with you again if that's what you're trying to say. I get that you care for me or whatever, but I prefer just staying away completely in that case. Don't think too much about it. Eventually you'll just forget about me. You've been fine so far. Let it continue that way. Just go with the flow. Apparently that's how you avoid fighting with your significant other. Sorry for chasing after you like this even though you made it very clear you didn't want to see me. I won't bother you again. As a final farewell I'll tell you this: Meeting you was the single greatest thing that happened to me. Being your friend was the most joyous time filled with laughter and warmth. Being your lover was a privilege I took for granted. Loving you was the best thing I ever did."
He's at a loss for words. His mouth opens as if he's about to say something, but no sound comes out. I decide to just leave. I turn around and walk back through the snow. It's about the same weather now as it was back when I first confessed my feeling to him. Maybe it's just fate trying to mock me.
⩶ΑβΩ⩶
The apartment is empty when I get back inside. The others have either left for work or school. I have school too, but I don't feel like going. Instead I just sit down in the couch. I take out my phone only to delete Seokjin's contact on just about everything I can think of. I'm not really sure if I'm doing it for him or for myself. As I'm doing it I notice the shiny ring on my finger. I stare at it for a long while, wondering if I should take it off or not. In the end I decide to keep it. There's no way I'd be able to get rid of it. I'll let it get buried with me when the day comes.
Judging from how empty and slow I feel, I'm guessing it won't be long until my heart finally breaks. It's struggling with every beat. Seeing that Seokjin moved on has only sped up the process. It's because I know for certain now that I don't have a chance. I've given up. Maybe that's just for the better. The faster I'm gone the faster everyone else will get on with their lives again. I feel bad for the others of course, but there's no stopping this. Seokjin was my only hope. I can't be with someone else even if I wanted to. My heart knows he's the only one.
⩶ΑβΩ⩶
I come back to my senses first when there's chattering out in the hallway. Taehyung and Hoseok are talking about something fun they saw on the way home. I realize I've been spacing out here the entire day. Haven't moved a muscle in hours. They come into the living room and make surprised sounds upon seeing me in the couch. The TV isn't on and neither are the lights. I'm just sitting in the dark staring out into nothing.
"You're home early," Hoseok says.
"Yeah, bro, how'd it go with Seokjin-hyung?"
How'd it go? Awful, terribly awful, but great at the same time. It depends on how you see it. It's great that he's getting better, but I'm just getting worse.
"I didn't make it there before he drove off," I answer. It doesn't even sound like a lie. I'm too exhausted to become nervous as the words leave my mouth.
"Aw, that sucks I guess. You'll just have to try again later."
"Mhm."
They look at me for a while, closely studying my face with furrowed brows. It doesn't even make me uncomfortable. I'm past the point of caring.
"You OK?" Hoseok asks.
"I'm perfectly fine, thank you for asking."
"You sure about that?"
"Mhm."
They give each other strange glances as if to ask what is wrong with me this time. I talk without any emotion or energy. It's understandable that they'd pick up on it, but maybe I can just blame it on being sad or something.
"Bro, did you even go to school today? You look exactly the same as when I left."
"I went."
"Really?"
"Mhm."
Taehyung turns to Hoseok with a worried face.
"Is he a robot? Why does he keep talking like that?"
"I have no idea. Kook, did you eat lunch?"
"I ate."
"What did you eat?"
"...Hamburger."
"See, he's lying!" Taehyung exclaims. "He had to think about it before he answered!"
"No, I just forgot what I ate. It happens."
Seemingly he feeds into the lie. I don't know why I'm lying in the first place. They'll find out about Seokjin's mate sooner or later anyway and then they'll start worrying about me. I hate that. I want them to be sad as little as I want it for Seokjin. How long will I have to put up with this? Will I just be in agony until I die? I feel like shit but there might still be several months left until I actually take my last breath.
Unless of course... I take matters into my own hands. There's no real reason for me to go on like this. I want to perish this very second if I could, so why just sit around and wait for it to happen? I have nothing left. Seokjin is gone and I'll never be able to chase my dreams either. Not training for three weeks is detrimental. The others must already be leagues ahead of me by now. Sure, people will be sad if they realize I've killed myself, but if I have nothing to live for then what's the point in living? I need something to keep me going, but I don't have that anymore. I have absolutely nothing.
"BLINK IF YOU CAN HEAR ME," Taehyung says in a loud voice and I realize he's practically in my face staring at me.
"Huh?"
"Not huh, I said blink!"
I look at him in confusion and he gives up. He tries whispering in Hoseok's ear, but I can hear them either way. They talk as if I'm not here.
"There's something seriously wrong with him right now. He doesn't even react when we speak to him. What should we do?"
"Do we call someone or...?"
"But who do we call? 911?"
"I don't think this is that kind of emergency."
"Then who? Namjoon-hyung? Jimin? An exorcist?"
"Taehyung, he's not possessed."
"You can never be completely sure. I've heard things in the walls here. AH! If not ghosts then maybe it's the mole people who have been showing themselves to him!"
"Mole... people? Maybe you're the one who needs an exorcist, Taehyung."
What are they doing? If they're trying to get me help then they're going a bit off track. Perhaps the best thing I can do is to just pretend I'm fine. That way they don't need to worry about me at all. I take a deep breath and try my best to bring up some good energy. A smile is thankfully not too hard to muster.
"Guys, I'm fine," I say. "I don't need an exorcist and I haven't met any mole people either. I just took a nap and wasn't really awake. Buy me some pizza and I'll be good to go. I have to be at the café in an hour."
They're shocked by me suddenly speaking like a normal person again and stare at me like I'm crazy. Nonetheless Hoseok takes out his phone to call for delivery. They might not believe me fully yet, but if I keep up the act then they'll eventually stop suspecting something. If Seokjin moved on then so can I. At least I can pretend to.
I should set a date for my departure. Maybe write a will and get things sorted before I do it. I should figure out how to do it too. One month should be enough time. Yes. One short month is all I need. After that I can finally let go. I won't be a burden to them anymore. I won't be a burden to anyone ever again.