Only one week left now. Yoongi isn't home tonight so I've been busy finishing up my will. I don't have many things or assets to give away, so I've mostly been spending time on making it look pretty with headers and little drawings. I feel like the girls in class with their colored pens for taking notes. It's maybe not the most serious will in existence, but at least it's interesting to look at. I wouldn't want for my final writing to be boring.
I'm giving my games to Taehyung, the music albums to Jimin, my computer to Namjoon, my drawing folder and paintings to Hoseok and finally Yoongi gets the clothes since I don't have much else to give him. He likes oversized stuff, so it'll fit him nicely. The rest of my stuff they can do whatever they want with. My two last wishes is for all the money in my account to be transferred to Seokjin and finally that I shall be buried with my wedding ring. It's not a lot of money in my account of course, just what I've been saving up from the café, but hopefully he can still use it to buy himself something nice.
My plan at large has been working smoothly so far. No one seems to suspect anything. I've been going to school in the mornings like usual and at night I'm working in the café. I'm in generally good spirits and can even laugh at certain things. The coughing has calmed down a lot too. It's because I know the end is drawing near. The misery will be over soon. I'm just enjoying what little time I have left with the boys. My dear family.
The door to my room suddenly opens and I panic for a brief moment since I openly have my fucking will laid out on Yoongi's desk. I try keeping my cool while discreetly covering it up with my hand as I turn to face the door with a smile.
"What happened to rule number six?" I ask.
"Ah, sorry, I forgot," Jimin says. "Are you busy?"
"I'm doing my homework. Why? Do you want something?"
"I do actually. I know it's kind of mean to ask but could you leave the apartment for a while?"
"Uh, why?"
"Well, Hoseok and Namjoon-hyung went out to grab a drink and if you leave then I can be alone with Taehyung for a while before Yoongi-hyung comes back."
I roll my eyes at him.
"Seriously? You're kicking me out to have sex? You're right, that is kind of mean."
"Please? It's hard doing it in secret all the time and I hate having to whisper and shit just because there's someone right outside watching TV. Look, I can even give you money to buy something at the convenience store!"
He take out a couple coins from his pocket and as he walks over to give them to me I quickly get up to accept them. Can't let him get too close to the desk. With this little money I can barely buy myself a chocolate bar, but since I've already accepted it I don't have much choice but to go.
"Fine, I'll leave," I groan.
"Yay! Kookie, you're the best! I'll repay you for it later, OK?"
"Yeah, yeah. Just let me finish up the homework first."
He happily nods and leaves, running to his room with light steps. I watch to make sure he's gone before taking my nicely decorated paper and folding it a couple times. I hide it underneath my mattress and place my computer on top of it to make sure no one would look underneath. With that sorted I put on a hoodie and walk to the hallway. Jimin peeks his head out with a bright smile while I'm tying my shoes.
"Make sure to dress warmly. Don't want you catching a cold out there."
"Just how long are you expecting me to be gone for?"
"It two hours too much to ask?"
"Two hours?! Hyung, it's almost midnight! What am I supposed to do out there for so long?"
"Go to a bar or something?"
"You know I've quit drinking."
"Oh, right. Well, you'll figure something out. See ya!"
He shuts the door to their bedroom behind him and almost right away I can hear them giggling to each other. I quickly put on my jacket and some gloves before exiting the apartment. On my way down the stairs my eyes automatically go to Seokjin's door. Through the slight cracks in the doorframe I see that the lights are on, meaning he's home. Maybe he has his mate there with him. Are they giggling like Jimin and Taehyung just did? I remember we used to be like that once. All it took was one look at him and seemingly I could tell everything that was going through his head. It feels so long ago now. There's no way for me to tell what he's thinking right now. I haven't seen him at all since that time outside by his car. It's for the better. Even if I saw him I would pretend like I don't know him either way.
I walk out of the building and and immediately whine at the bad weather. It's freezing cold and snowing. Thankfully it's not too windy though. If possible I would've liked to die during the blossoming spring, but it is what it is. I start aimlessly wandering around, just looking at the lights in people's windows, wondering what they could be doing in there while I'm out here. I pet dogs that walk by and stop here and there to breathe in the cold winter air. It's all very calming despite the cold biting my skin.
Eventually I find myself on the bridge. Not just a bridge, it's the bridge. I decided a while ago that this would be a suitable spot. It's high enough and there's not much people walking around since this area is just full of office buildings that no one wants to look at. The view over the water is nice though. You can see the city lights in the distance and it's fairly quiet aside from any occasional cars. I like it. Hopefully it'll be painless. Even if it isn't it'll only hurt for a short moment. After that I won't feel anything ever again.
⩶ΑβΩ⩶
Just like Jimin wanted, I start returning home two hours later. My face is so cold from walking around that I think it might just fall off. I enter the building in a hurry but halfway up the stairs I abruptly stop at the sound of Seokjin's door opening. I silently hide behind the wall to make sure he doesn't see me and hold my breath.
"Wait, before you go," he says and I realize he's saying goodbye to someone. "Just tell me how he's holding up. You haven't spoken of him in a while and I just... I need to know."
Just as I'm wondering what he's referring to, I hear Yoongi's signature sigh. Yoongi has been at Seokjin's? I guess that makes sense since he checks up on him every once in a while. He and Namjoon still do some renovation work too. ...Does that mean they're talking about me?
"I thought you didn't want to know anything," Yoongi says. "You forbid me of talking about you to him, so it's a bit unfair if I give out information to you, don't you think? You should make up your mind about whether to keep your distance or not."
"I know, but it's just been so long. Last time I saw him he acted really weird. He said it was fine if I forgot about him and all kinds of stuff. He's the one who wanted me to stay away. I'm worried. I can't sleep at night and I've been having constant nightmares. Is he getting worse? I think seeing the mark on my neck broke him, Yoongi. I didn't get the chance to tell him the truth and I wasn't sure if it even was my place to do so. How would he react hearing those words come out of my mouth? He might've snapped and blamed himself for it. You know what he's like. I'm just so scared for him. If something happens to him because of me I could never forgive myself."
"Lately he's been doing great. He goes to school and helps me with the cooking on his own accord. He eats with a good appetite and I've seen him playing games with Taehyung a couple times. He's been pretty normal considering the circumstances."
Seokjin breathes out in relief.
"That's good to hear. Has he been... asking about me at all?"
"No, he hasn't actually. Hasn't mentioned your name in weeks."
"Oh. That's good I guess. Maybe he's moving on fine without me."
There's a bit of a silence until Yoongi speaks up again in a more serious tone.
"Hyung, surely you realize just as well as I do that he's just faking it. There's no way he's gotten over you in less than two months. That boy will love you until the bitter end. You know that. We all know that. He's probably just trying to cover it up to make us forget about how bad he actually feels. He can be as stubborn as you sometimes."
"But what if he's not faking it? What if he's actually getting over me? He looked so ready to give everything up... give up on me."
"That's not happening in this lifetime, Hyung. He even told you that himself. Unless you do something he's actually going to die. Do you realize that?"
"Yes, I know."
"No, I don't think you do. If you wait too long to patch things up with him it'll already be too late. He'll be gone forever. You can't just remain idle like this. His life is in danger. Your life is in danger too. Talk to him, Hyung."
"But he doesn't want me to talk to him. What am I even supposed to say? Besides, he slept with someone else, Yoongi. That shit cuts deep."
"He made a mistake just like you have. Don't pretend like you're any better than him when you've done practically the same thing."
"We're not together anymore. I did what I had to do. Not like I was left much choice anyway."
"Yes and he broke up with you before doing it too. Trust me, he's been tormented enough. He's probably driving himself insane with all the thoughts in his head. He doesn't open up to us either. If we ask how he's doing he just replies that he's great and asks what's for dinner to lead the conversation elsewhere. Please, Hyung, fix this before it's too late. You literally just said that you can never forgive yourself if something happens to him."
Seokjin takes a deep breath before sighing deeply.
"But I don't know how to fix it," he quietly admits. "I'm really hurt and upset and a part of me is angry at him too since he wasn't there for me. It's like I just got thrown to the wolves. I know it's stupid and unjustified since we're not together and I'm the one who told him to leave in the first place, but it's just how I feel. He's not like the others and I like that about him, but sometimes... I dunno, I just wish he'd be a little less passive? I mean, he just gave up on me. And trust me, no other alpha just gives up like that. They'll chase you to the end of the world if they want you. If he truly wants something then he shouldn't wait to do it. Like... if he truly wants me then shouldn't he do something to get me back?"
"The same goes for you. You haven't made things easy for him. Just because he's the alpha doesn't mean he has to be the one who reaches out first."
"Ugh, I know... I know," he sighs.
I can tell the conversation has finally started to reach it's end and I silently sneak up the stairs while they say their goodbyes. I enter the hallway as quiet as a mouse but soon realize there's not much point in being quiet judging from the loud moans coming from the closed bedroom. I get little time to be grossed out when I hear Yoongi walking up the stairs. I throw off my outerwear in a frenzy and run to the living room to pretend to be chilling in the couch watching TV. Yoongi comes in a few minutes later wearing a disgusted face.
"Don't they have even a bit of decency?" he says.
"Yeah, they're pretty damn loud. Been going at it for two hours now," I respond, trying to seem interested in the random horror movie playing on the screen.
Yoongi sits down next to me with an exhausted huff and we watch the scary dolls on TV for a while. I have no idea what this movie is about but I need to pretend like I do in case he'd ask about the plot. Yoongi turns to look at me and I cautiously meet his eye.
"Jungkook, how are you feeling? Like, how are you actually feeling?"
I think about what to answer for a while. Upon hearing their conversation earlier, I realize he already knows I'm lying. But telling the truth at this point has no meaning. It'd just ruin everything I've been working for the past weeks. I don't want to make up with Seokjin. The way things are right now is the best. I can't pretend to be his friend all of a sudden when my heart aches for him every wake second. He's with someone else. He doesn't need me anymore. He probably just wants to know how I'm doing so he doesn't need to worry about having broken my heart. He said he wanted me to be less passive and not wait if I want something, and at least he's right about that. I want to die, so why wait a whole other week to do it? I might as well do it tomorrow. How's that for being passive?
"I'm feeling great," I answer with a smile. "I'm looking forward to a better future. Not just for me, but for all of us."