In the weeks that follow a new skill is presented that makes living with emotions bearable. The only question is, for how long?
Songs used to inspire:
I Can't Breath - Be a Miller
Panic Room(Acoustic) - Au/Ra
Chasing Cars - Sleeping At Last
Dear Elodie,
I'm sorry to hear about Professor Trelawney being sacked. McGonagall mentioned how much you enjoyed her class. I am however glad to hear that you're learning to control your mind better. Though I so hate to admit it, the latest word is that Voldemort has been toying with wizard's minds once again to get intelligence. Though now is not the time for your wandless magic to be failing you. Keep in mind, any slight alteration to your magic should be reported to Snivelus. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed your birthday. Remus and I were rather worried. Tonks misses you. We look forward to having you home for the holidays. Don't think that just because you are of age, you're allowed to share a room with Weasley. I can still go for his throat.
I'm afraid this may be our last letter until then my dear girl. More and more owls are being intercepted with the rise of disappearances. The Ministry is on their toes and doing everything in their power to avoid the truth. So, until then my dear Elly-belly, keep your wits about you. I trust you know what you're doing.
With love always,
Sirius
P.S. Remus sends his love, as well as chocolate to be found in the envelope.
~Elodie's POV~
The first week was the hardest. I avoided Fred, until he loudly asked to switch brewing partners in Potions. Surprisingly to which Snape obliged. The only downside was that he was now partnered with Angelina, and I was with Adrian. In Charms Alicia's girlfriend Oliva was kind enough to sit with me while he sat behind us with Alicia. The rest of the time I made myself scarce. Going to classes, training with Snape, tea with Minerva, occasionally Dumbledore. I'd do my studying in the library, sometimes I'd go up to the astronomy tower. But for the most part I was alone.
"Can I use Occlumency to not feel emotions anymore?" I asked snape at the end of our lessons one day.
"You've been well at shutting your mind, but to properly use Occlumency, you need to empty yourself. Not just your mind. But your entire self. Convince yourself that you are not capable of feeling any emotion. That is the only way it will work," Snape told me.
"And then I won't feel anything?" I asked to clarify.
"You'll be aware, but yes. You'll be numb," He answered.
The second week wasn't any easier. Especially on Friday when I was leaving the shower just as Fred was going in. Seeing his half naked body made me want him right then and there. To tell him the truth about why I did what I had. To tell him that I loved him. But instead I chose to occlude. That way, moving out of the way and proceeding as if he were just anyone else didn't hurt so bad.
"He's still upset you know," George told me in the library one night. I put my finger up to my lips to silence him since Madam Pinche was doing rounds today and she seemed a bit more uptight than usual. He leaned in so he could speak softer and not get us kicked out. "I know he plays it off when we're in class by being a git, but he's driving me crazy, going through hell, constantly asking what he did wrong. What he could have done differently. That is when he's not moping around."
I closed my books and carried them to return them to their shelves. He followed me waiting for any comment I could offer, but the only thing I knew was the truth. "'When you're going through hell, keep going' Winston Churchill," I said.
"Well he's not going anywhere anytime soon, especially since you left him with his heart in his hand—"
"I don't—" I said louder than I'd intended to, losing my cool for a moment.
"Finally, a reaction. Come on, I'm your best friend. Talk to me," He said as he took the books out of my hands and set them on the table in front of us.
I took a breath and leaned my forehead against one of the bookshelves. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was fighting back an anxiety attack. I took in another heaving breath that shook my entire body and brought the tears to my eyes. I wanted to tell him the truth, to tell Fred the truth. I wanted to not exist so all of this would go away.
"I know you, you wouldn't have done this just because of Angelina," He said softly.
"I can't tell you," I whispered.
"You know I'm good with secrets, and I'm good with weird," He whispered back as.
I took in another breath, focusing on his eyes. Fred's eyes. And nodded. "I need to keep him safe," I told him.
Explaining everything to George was like when I explained to him everything that happened my fourth year with the veil after our 'almost indiscretion'. He took in all the information and was both taken back as he was upset on my behalf. He understood why I didn't want to tell Fred, though he didn't agree with it. No matter, he promised to keep my secret.
The fourth week of November brought the first snow. Hermione had set up a meeting in Hogsmeade to recruit people to join Dumbledore's Army, a way for us to Learn a practical Defense Against the Dark Arts. They wanted to learn from me and Harry since we had the most experience with defensive magic. Though after I'd yelled at Harry, we'd been a little distant. It wasn't completely set aside, but like most things it was swept under the rug, to be dealt with at another time. I walked with Hermione, Ron and Harry to the Hogs Head, the snow crunching beneath our feet.
"You've lived here your entire life. What is your obsession with the snow?" Ron asked me as I shushed them to walk through a patch that looked exceptionally fluffy.
"Well, when it snows it gets really quiet, because it acts as a barrier to absorb sound. Essentially, when the snow sticks, it's like casting one big silencing charm. It proves that magic is all around us, not even needing our help," I said and looked up at them to see Hermione smiling at me.
"So, who would want to be taught by us?" Harry asked as we approached the Hog's Head
"Yeah we're both nutters remember?" I said adding on.
"Look on the bright side. You can't be any worse than Old Toad Face," Ron said.
"Thanks' Ron," Harry told him
"I'm here for you mate," He said as Hermione and I both let out breathy laughs.
"Are you sure it's okay that I'm here?" I asked her. Ginny had filled her in on the whole me and Fred situation, but I still wanted to respect his space.
"I was honest, I told him and George that you and Harry would be teaching us all," She said in her usual matter-of-fact tone of voice. She looked back at the boys and then leaned in closer to me. "To be honest, he looked a bit relieved. Probably thinks you're spending too much time alone. We all do," She said kindly.
I gave her a tight-lipped smile. "I don't mind being alone," I said. She returned the smile just as Harry called for our attention again.
"Oy, who's supposed to be meeting us then?" He asked.
"Just a couple of people," She said, opening the door.
The Hogs head was empty, but it was the downstairs closed off area we were meeting everyone. It was quite awkward at first. There wasn't any sort of chattering really. Umbridge had tired us all out. I sat between Harry and Hermione and did my best to avoid eye contact with Fred, focusing instead on Ginny or Nigel. They were both the youngest ones here, it was a bit scary, but then again, by the time I was Nigel's age I was able to perform a full Patronus.
"Um...hi!" Hermione greeted everyone. "So, you all know why we're here. We need a teacher. A proper teacher. Some that have had real experience defending themselves against the dark arts."
"Why?" Someone questioned aggressively.
"Why?!" Ron spat back immediately. "Because You-Know-Who's back, you tosspot."
"So, he says," he quickly rebutted.
"So, Dumbledore says," Hermione corrected.
"So, Dumbledore says because he says. The point is where's the proof," He pressed further. Harry and I shared a look both of annoyance and defeat.
"If you could tell us more about how Diggory got killed," someone else asked.
Harry looked up to see Cho then looked back at me. Stiff in my place, before I did the one thing, I promised myself I wouldn't do. His eyes were apologetic, filled with gold from the earth, currently hidden by the snow, though warm as ever. Fred's eyes didn't leave my face once.
I felt Harry give my arm a gentle nudge. "I'm not going to talk about Cedric, so if that's why you're here you might as well clear out now. Come on El. Hermione, let's go. They're just here cause they all think we're some sort of freaks," Harry whispered, losing his calm demeanor for a moment.
"Is it true you can produce a Patronus charm?" I looked away from Fred to see Luna Lovegood speaking in her sweet high pitch voice.
"Yes!" Hermione answered. "I've seen it. And Elodie's known how since her second year."
"Blimey Potter," Dean Thomas commented. "Didn't know you could do that"
"And Harry killed a Basilisk with the sword in Dumbledore's office," Neville said chiming in. "Not to mention Elodie's been able to perform wandless magic since before she was at Hogwarts."
"It's True," Ginny said.
"Third year Harry fought off about a hundred dementors at once, and Elodie learned to work her psychic abilities," Ron said beside Harry.
"And last year he really did fight off You-Know-Who in the flesh," Hermione said, bringing it full circle.
"Hold on," I said, finally speaking.
"It all sounds great, when you say it like that, but the truth is," Harry began saying.
"Most of it was done solely on luck, we didn't know what we were doing half the time and we almost always had help," I said bluntly.
"Facing this stuff in real life, is not like school. In school if you make a mistake, you can just try again tomorrow, but out there...when you're a second away from being murdered or watching a friend die right before your eyes... you don't know what that's like," Harry said and looked over at me.
I looked down at my feet. Had I known that's how today would have gone I would have strongly thought about staying back at the castle. Perhaps gone down to the whomping willow, maybe snuck into the kitchen to spend time with the house elves. But stealing another look at Fred, who still had his eyes on me, it was enough to sit through this conversation again.
"You're right, we don't. That's why we need your help. The both of you. Because if we're going to have any chance of beating...Voldemort..." Hermione said, struggling to say his name.
"He's really back?" Nigel said. I looked over at him. His sweet face, the same sweet face Harry had when he was a second year.
"Yeah, Nigel. He is," I said to him quietly.
George was the first to sign up after the fours of us. Followed by Fred, who lingered for a moment to look at me. I wanted to smile at him, but I didn't want him to think I was antagonizing him in any way. Instead I just mimicked his soft facial expression. I tried to convince myself that every day would get a little bit easier. That so long as I remembered why I was doing this, that it was to keep him safe longer, that it was all worth it.
I stood outside the Hog's Head with Hermionie and Ginny waiting for the boys to come out. Just as my luck would have it, Fred was the first one out. The universe really was a cruel bitch. I looked at Ginny and Hermione mentally begging them to stay.
"Oh look, that...over there..." Ginny said.
"She's not very subtle that one is she?" Fred said to me.
"That girl is as subtle as a firework," I said with a little chuckle. I looked down at my feet. There was a patch where there wasn't any snow. I looked at it intensely and blew my breath out wanting to cover it. To my surprise, a bigger pile appeared than I had intended. "I really am sorry you know." I said quietly. It probably wasn't the right thing to say, but Falling into a comfortable silence was dangerous.
"I miss you," Fred said in a breath staring at me. My breath felt like it hitched at his words. I closed my eyes to try and use Occlumency, but I felt his fingers graze my cheek before I could focus on casting the charm.
"Don't," I said catching his hand. "It's too hard."
"I think if we're being fair, it should be my turn to say what I need to say. You had yours, now it's mine," He said and moved to stand on my other side. "It's polite, and hopefully there's no more yelling. You can have another turn after if you'd like one. For the last nine years, you've lived your life being someone that everyone expects you to be. Minerva, Dumbledore, Cedric, even your parents. That's nine years of you making choices from a selection laid out in front of you. You say everything you do, you do for a reason. And I know that while what other people say and think about you goes over your head for the most part, you internalize everything. So now, given the choice between being who you want to be, and who others want to be, well I think we both know what the right decision is," he said.
"And what's that?" I asked him before looking into his earth turning eyes.
"You have this life ahead of you, this beautiful, yet scary life. And it's important. I know you want me to hate you, but even when you're beating the life out of me with a pillow I can't. I'm not going to tell you what you should do, you're far too clever for that. But I know that given the choice, I'd choose you. Every time," He said and began walking away.
"What the hell," I said under my breath. I thought I'd done everything right. Yet here he was, walking back to the castle behind Ginny and me, eyes burning into my back. Wanting the truth, wanting me to be a good person. But I knew the moment I said anything close to the truth, I'd fall back into his arms asking him to understand why I couldn't have feelings. So all I did was walk with Ginny and Neville.
"At least we know one positive thing that came from today," Hermione said proudly.
"What's that?" Ron asked.
"Cho couldn't take her eyes off you, could she?" Hermione said.
I reached over to hold Ginny's hand knowing that wasn't what she wanted to hear. Nearly everything was going wrong with my life, but here I was. Comforting someone else.
"So over the next few days we should come up with possible places we could practice," I said to everyone.
Stay busy...
I needed to stay busy. Distract myself. I'd done it before. I could do it again. I knew it would be harder, but now that I was properly learning to use Occlumency, I had options.
"Yeah, and we've got to make sure that wherever it is, there's no chance she could find us," Harry added. We quickly went to our house, sitting down for tea and hot coco. I excused myself under the pretence that I was going to go change. But when I got to my room, instead of reaching for my clothes in my trunk, I pulled out one of Harry's letters.
Dear Elodie,
This makes letter 22 of what I've sent since you left. I know your silence means you don't want to hear from me. If I were you, I wouldn't want to hear from me either. I'm hoping you've read the other 22 letters I've sent you, but if you haven't, I'll tell you once more. Words will never be able to capture how sorry I am for what you're going through. In another universe maybe we would have grown up together, and I'd know what to say to comfort my big sister. My big sister who I'd know everything about, because our parents would have made sure we were thick as thieves. They would have told me what to say to you to make you feel better. Cedric wanted to make sure that you knew he loved you. All he wanted for for his body to be brought back, and to make sure you knew. I know you think that you're alone in all of this, but you're not. Even now, even in this silence, you're not alone. So until I'm with you in person, I'm with you here. Whenever you're ready. Whenever you're ready for a brother.
Harry