(Readers are strongly recommended 17+)
Devin Keithroy was a victim.
His earliest memories of his mother would scar him forever. Debra Miller, a sick, vile, twisted woman, also dealing with severe mental health issues and drug addiction, had been sexually abusing Devin for his entire childhood. Sometimes Devin would start to cry, as his younger self felt overwhelmed and confused as to what was going on. Debra would often become frustrated with him, as if trying to make out that he was somehow at fault for this.
"Quit crying," she'd order in a stern, intimidating voice. "Real boys don't cry."
Devin, only a small, innocent child at the time, had no choice but to endure the abuse.
Once school started, even at a very young age, Devin had a difficult time connecting with the girls. Devin didn't hold any frustration or resentment towards them, but he simply felt shy and timid whenever around their presence. Sadly, every time he was buddied up with the girls, he couldn't help but think of Debra back home, and what she did to him every day. Little Devin's mind wondered if that was normal for him to be experiencing.
As the years went on, Debra continued the abuse. How a mother could do that to her own child—her own baby—one could only wonder. Wouldn't her instincts have kicked in and realized this was so wrong? Devin, who was only growing more traumatized, continued to suppress his emotions as his mother told him to. Real boys don't cry. The sound of her voice replayed in the back of his head like an evil broken record player.
Finally, and for the love of God, Debra Miller was eventually caught when a staff member at Devin's middle school noticed him crying, all alone. After talking for a few minutes, Devin somehow, someway, found the courage to explain to the staff member that he didn't want to go back home that night. When asked further, Devin went on to explain that he was fearful of his mother.
After filing a report, the police confronted Debra at her house and found drug paraphernalia. Little Devin, now twelve, was taken into foster care. He was finally free from his mother's wrath, but the trauma was far from over.
Eventually, puberty came, and Devin's struggle to fit in with the girls continued. As he settled in with his new foster parents, Devin's sexual fantasies were beginning to emerge. Devin didn't like to admit it, but he often found himself envisioning his female partner as the more dominant role, and himself playing as submissive. This made Devin feel weird at times, but after all the abuse, he was much more comfortable in this position.
Upon entering high school, even though he was shy, Devin was a very handsome young man. Many of the girls found him attractive, but also liked to call him out on his "stuck-up" attitude. The girls, who were completely unaware of Devin's past, became judgmental, and resented the fact that Devin didn't reach out and talk to them more. In no way, shape, or form did Devin do this to be rude or offend them, but he still wasn't healed from his trauma.
"You're the guy," one girl named Sabrina had even told him. "You're the one supposed to be making the first move."
Devin felt bad about this, but still wasn't ready to open up and talk to someone about his pain. Even though he was safe now, the fear that his mother may find out if he told someone was still lurking around like a shadow.
As time went on, Devin started attending some house parties throughout his later years of high school. These would often turn out to be a disaster, as plenty of girls from other schools attempted to hook up with him. Devin always turned them down, leaving them salty as the Pacific Ocean.
"He's gay," they'd say, gossiping behind his back. "That's why he doesn't wanna sleep with us."
In fact, it even got so bad, that one day for a science project, Devin was partnered up with Lucinda Henedy. Lucinda, the bad girl of the school, who in particular had a secret crush on Devin and hated him for not talking back with her, invited him over one day to work on the project. After getting settled down and setting up their papers, Lucinda tried to make a move on Devin by leaning in and attempting to kiss him. As usual, Devin pulled away last second and said, "I'm sorry." Devin truly thought Lucinda was a pretty girl, but he knew she wasn't the one for him.
"What's your problem?" Lucinda asked, annoyance clear in her voice.
"What do you mean?" Devin replied.
She huffed. "Yeah, you're cute, but you've got a serious attitude problem. What...you think you're too cool to talk to us girls?"
Devin was shocked. He'd been confronted by the girls before, but never to this level.
"No," he replied. "I didn't mean to, I—"
"Whatever," she said, getting up and pointing towards the front door. "Look, I think you should leave. I'll finish the project on my own."
And just like that, Devin felt judged once again.
After graduation, Devin's submissive fantasies only continued, as he was constantly questioned by his male peers why he didn't talk to girls more. They, too, made assumptions that he may be gay, but Devin wasn't going to let their comments get to him. There had to be a girl out there that would love him for who he was.
And he found her, as Devin was now off to college. Her name was Danika Dumar, and had always been a very strong and independent young lady. She approached Devin after class one day, just like that time with Lucinda back in high school when they were partnered up. But Devin felt much more comfortable around Danika. They soon found themselves hanging out and having fun on Snapchat. Danika was generally leading the friendship, but she didn't mind at all.
In fact, the two were getting along so well, that one night Devin found himself lying beside Danika on her bed, once again laughing and talking. This was the closest Devin had ever let a girl get to him since the abuse ended with his mother. He felt nervous, but wanted to push himself out of his comfort zone. Now a grown man, other than all the times he was touched by his mother, Devin was still a virgin, and all by choice.
Eventually, the conversation turned more serious, and for the first time in his life, Devin began to open up to someone about what he'd been through. Unlike the other girls, Danika listened carefully and openly, never once judging Devin like he'd experienced in the past. Devin started crying as he told her all the traumatizing details—something he'd never let himself do because of his mom—and Danika cried too as she comforted him. She was absolutely heartbroken that the boy she liked was so traumatized from his past.
"I promise I'll never let that happen to you again," she whispered. "I may only be a girl, but no one's ever going to hurt you again, you understand me?"
Devin nodded. He'd never felt so safe and happy in his entire life.
Then, just like that, Danika slowly raised her hand above Devin's chest, and asked the million-dollar question, "Can I touch you?"
Devin hesitated. For the longest time he would have said no, but again, he felt a sense of serenity and calmness. Before he knew it, the words formed out of his mouth, "Yes."
Danika's hand slowly lowered onto Devin's body. He felt a rush as her fingertips connected with his skin, but unlike in the past, this time it was beautiful and welcoming. Her hand slowly ran down his chest, across his stomach, above his pelvis. Danika hesitated, gazing at Devin for permission, before openly accepting it.
And that was the night Devin lost his virginity.
This time for real.