The rest of the day is dragging by painfully slow. My mind is in a daze. All my thoughts are a jumbled mess. My body is going through the motions of existing, but my mind is a whole different story. Why did I even come? I could be at home right now, catching up on schoolwork. Or even sleeping. Anything would be better than sitting here, replaying Ashley's smart-ass comments repeatedly. Her smug face and whiny voice are now engraved into my memory once again. I had tried so hard to forget her.
I came on this road trip to have fun and be adventurous. A way to clear my mind, and relax. Hang out with my friends and let loose. Jokes on me, I guess. Instead, it's somehow turned into my very own personal nightmare. Once again, my past has come back to haunt me. Only this time it's wearing heels and drooling all over Hayden.
I was able to dry my tears and collect my emotions before the others made their way out of the shop. My stomach twinges. It hurts to see them laughing and joking amongst themselves. I can't help but feel guilty that I'm jealous of them. It must feel amazing to be normal. To not have a dark cloud of doom looming over your head day after day.
Within ten minutes were pulling into another parking lot. "Lucy's" shines brightly scrawled across the brick building in red fancy writing. The scent of Italian food hits me as soon as I open the door. It smells delicious. My stomach lets out a small grumble. I hadn't even realized how hungry I was with everything else going on. Without speaking, I follow behind everyone. Ben, being a gentleman, rushes forward to hold the door open for everyone.
The aroma inside is even stronger than it was in the parking lot. I avoid engaging in conversation while having dinner. Everyone seems worn out, focusing their energy on eating. Staring down at my plate, I can feel the tears building up. I'm ready to leave and go to sleep. To forget that today even happened. Despite the food being delicious, my appetite disappeared after several bites. Thankfully, everyone else scarfed their food down. So we were able to leave pretty fast. I ended up bringing most of my chicken Alfredo back with me. It was too good not too.
No matter what I did, I couldn't get Ashley's comment out of my mind. Of course, it was my fault. Who else would be to blame?? I've always known it, but to hear someone else say it out loud somehow makes it seem that much more real. I have always known that her whole family blames me. They didn't even let me say goodbye.
By the time we finally get back to the hotel, I'm done for the day. I'm relieved when, after a brief conversation, everyone agrees to turn in early. It's been an exhausting day and we have a long drive ahead of us in the morning. I'm more than ready to go back to campus. To get back to not having a life. At least consuming myself with schoolwork gives me an escape. Something to think about besides how screwed up I am.
We all quickly say good night, heading off in different directions. I once again silently follow behind Hayden down the long darkened hallway.
"Are you okay? "You've been pretty silent since we left the costume shop," Hayden comments as we walk into our room. Ignoring his question, I push past him, heading straight for the bed.
The mattress sags from my weight as I collapse onto it, covering my face with my hands. Everything about that night, Johnny's limp body, the gunshots, it all comes flooding back to me. My mind replays the images in slow motion. Once they come back, they don't go away. Nothing I do erases them. Closing my eyes makes it worse. I can see every little detail like it's happening right now in front of me.
My eyes are burning as I fight to hold in the tears that are threatening to cascade down my cheeks. I want to scream, but I know I can't. The bed shifts beneath me as my entire body trembles. I want to escape. To run away and never look back. But I can't. This is my life, my reality.
All I wanted to do with this second chance was to start over new in a place where no one knew me. Where I'm not that girl that everyone talks about. But of course, no. It doesn't matter how hard I try. Or what I do. My past will never let me escape it.
I'm smothered. Drowning in all these different emotions.
Slowly suffocating from all this pressure on me. Pressure to please everyone. I'm always trying to figure out the right decision to make. One that will finally make my mom proud of me instead of always feeling ashamed. All I have ever wanted to do is prove to everyone that they're wrong. That I can change. I may be a little off track, but I can find my way. I'm not a total lost cause.
I can sense him there before he even touches me. During my major breakdown, Hayden made his way over to me. Cautiously sitting down beside me. We sit in silence for a few moments. The only sound we can hear is our breathing.
He's surprised that I don't resist as he grabs my arm, using his strength to pull me up into a sitting position. I've seen that look in his eyes before, and I hate it. I know what he's thinking. Poor little Bex, she's so messed up. I can't help but feel sorry for her.
He catches me off guard, wrapping his muscular arms around my shoulders. As soon as he touches me, I lose it. After holding it in all day, I can't keep it in anymore. All my built-up tears finally erupt, streaming down my cheeks. I've tried so hard to be strong, to bury everything. Compartmentalizing everything so that it doesn't consume me.
"I loved him so much. I honestly did," I whisper, more so to myself than to him. My lips quiver with each word.
"Who Johnny?" He asks, using his hand to tip my face upwards, allowing me to look at him.
"Yes, and I am the reason he's dead," I scream. My emotions take over as I rip my face from his hands. Burying myself into his chest. His t-shirt is now soaked with my tears.
"You should probably stay away from me. I destroy everything that I touch", I sob harder, choking on each word. I bury myself deeper into his chest.
"Bex, look at me, please. Talk to me. Let me be here for you," he begs, gently pushing me back so he's able to look at me.
My head is spinning. I'm so confused. It's like my self-consciousness and brain are playing a game of tug and war. One part of me wants to trust Hayden. To tell him everything. I'm so tired of being alone. Not being able to talk to anyone. I need to tell someone. It's eating me alive. I have to get some of it off my chest. I'm lost and I need help to find my way back, out of this nightmare that is consuming me.
But the other half of me, the reasonable half, knows the truth. No one else should have to carry the burden of my mistakes. To live with the pain I do every day. This isn't something you can tell someone and they can simply forget it. Not to mention, what will he think of me?
Hayden isn't someone random. He already knows about my nightmares. He hasn't run yet. I'm surprised. Most people would, to be honest. I wish I had never experienced that night.
I look at him through the tears. I don't know why, but I know I can trust him. But where do I even begin? I take a deep breath, knowing I have to do this.
"Johnny was my brother's best friend growing up. They were always together. So in a way, I grew up with him too. It was never supposed to be anything, but then it was. Somehow, it turned into this giant secret. It was like a game. We had something special that we kept hidden from everyone. It was ours." I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. It's taking everything in me to force myself to continue. I've never told this story out loud to anyone before. Hayden stays silent. His eyes trained on mine, watching my every move.
"We started experimenting with different drugs together. At first, it was only to see the effects they had on us. How different ones would make us feel? Then it was, well, we have to do this one with this one to make it feel better. Before long, we were getting high all the time. There weren't a lot of things for us to do for fun back home. We looked at it as if this was giving us that. Almost like an adventure.
Life was so much easier that way. We didn't have to worry about consequences or how our actions would affect us later on. We were living in the moment. Most of those days are hazy. I don't remember the majority of them. I assumed things were great. Drugs allowed us to meet a variety of people. People I thought were my friends.
Then one day we met this dude named Henry and everything changed. He was the cool guy. The one who always had the hookup. No matter what you wanted, or how much you needed, he could get it. A group of us started hanging out all the time. We would skip school and basically party every day all day" I pause, looking up at him. I'm trying to find any hint of what he's thinking about. Some sign of how he views me now, but there isn't one.
He's just watching me. His eyes focused on me. Almost urging me to continue.
I wipe my eyes with the bottom of my shirt, slowly taking another deep breath. It feels like my chest is on fire. I don't want to do this anymore, but I know deep down I have to. I'm dying inside and I have to get this off of my chest before I block it back out again.
"One night we were all bored. Stoned out of our minds, wanting more. No one had any money, of course. We had already spent it all. So Henry had this spur-of-the-moment idea of robbing the corner store down the street. He said it would be easy. I didn't learn until later on he had been planning it for a while. Waiting until he found someone to help him. He admitted in court to wanting a fall guy in case things went south. That's what we were.
But he had told us that earlier in the day he had been in there buying beer and it was only one little old man working. He then informed us he had already been scoping it out for weeks. He knew the place's whole layout. Including where the old man kept the money deposits from that day.
He made it seem like they could be in and out in no time. That the owner wouldn't fight back. Henry promised me that no one would get hurt. He even recounted stories about other stores around town that he had robbed. None of them resisted, they didn't want any problems, so they handed the money over. I was young and dumb. I believed him. Since no one mentioned any robberies around town, it must have been true. And he had pulled it off with no one being the wiser. But deep down, I was still a little skeptical.
I tried to talk them out of it. Even begging them not to. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It made me sick thinking about it. But they were so high. There was no talking them out of it. No matter what I said, they refused to listen to me" I sob. My voice becomes more and more hoarse as I struggle to finish the story. I struggle to make out Hayden still sitting beside me through the tears flowing down my cheeks.
The visions from that night become clearer as my reality fades away through my pain. Fifteen-year-old me sitting in the back of Henry's car. Not a care in the world, cuddling up against Johnny. His heartbeat is racing, pounding violently against his chest. You can almost feel the adrenaline cursing through his veins. I know he is nervous. But he would never admit it.
I melt into his arms. The smell of his cologne completely engulfs me. My body tingles in response to the way he kisses the top of my head. He's so gentle.
"My pot of gold at the end of the rainbow," he coos. I remember the first day he told me I was his good luck charm. He had made me feel so special. Telling me he had finally found true love and happiness in this cold, cruel world. I was his bright light in the darkness. He made it seem like as long as we were together, we were unstoppable.
I tremble as I recall climbing onto his lap. Closing the small gap between us, kissing him. I can still feel his touch as he helps to undress me. His fingers moved steadily as they worked their way down. I watched him unbuttoning each one. He smiled sheepishly as each one opened wider, revealing my bare breast. His eyes traveled up and down my body, taking me all in. It was almost like he knew somehow he would never see me again after that night.
We had screwed over a million times at this point. But having sex with him that night was so different. He made love to me. It wasn't just sex. It hadn't mattered that we were in the backseat of a beat-up busted old car. Or the fact we were so young and dumb. It was real.
I could tell that he was pouring all his emotions into me that night. He took his time making sure that every stroke was slow and passionate. He made sure to touch every inch of my skin that night. Each time he kissed me, my body burned with desire. It was like he couldn't get enough of me. He was mine, and I was his. Together, we were one. I didn't want it to end, but it was getting later and later. Henry would be back any minute.
When he finished, instead of looking happy, he was sad. I didn't notice it at first. But now it all makes sense. Afterward, he held me in his arms, both of our bare skin touching. We didn't speak, instead we embraced the moment.
Then it was time. I believed him when he promised he would never leave me. That we would be together forever. Then suddenly he was gone. Only a distant memory remained. I can't ever get him back. A fresh wave of tears starts to wash over me. Hayden is a blur next to me. He stays silent, signaling he wants me to continue, but I don't know if I can. My chest is so heavy. Each breath I take feels like a knife jabbing into me. My body is on fire. This must be what Hell feels like. A repeating reminder of what a failure I am.
I close my eyes, mentally trying to prepare myself for the next part.
Hayden's hand is rubbing my back in small circular motions. Somehow, his touch gives me a small sense of comfort and safety. Before I cave into my pain, I let the words flow out.
"They agreed on the idea that I would be the getaway driver. Johnny made him promise I didn't have to witness anything. Henry pulled out two black masks from his hoody pocket, handing one to Johnny. My heart dropped when he pulled out a pistol from his waistline. I watched as he studied it, checking it over before tucking it back in place. He told us it was his dad's. That he never had to use it before and it was in case of an emergency. That should have been our sign to stop. To back out and go home." I pause. I have to push myself to finish.
"I guess the old man was more than they had bargained for. No one knows the truth about what happened inside the store. There were no cameras. So it was the old man's word against Henry" I swallow hard, pushing down the giant lump that's forming in my throat. I know what's coming next. I reach over to grab the water bottle sitting beside me on the nightstand. Taking a big gulp, the cool liquid slides down my dry, raspy throat. I have to finish. It's almost over.
"It was a warm night. Everything was quiet. I was playing Snake on Johnny's phone. Sitting in the driver's seat. The windows were down, and I was relaxing. Enjoying the cool breeze that was whipping through the car. The peacefulness didn't last long, though. The next thing I know, I hear shouting. I can't make out what they're saying, but I know it's not good.
I sit up straight, staring into the darkness, waiting for any sign that they're coming. Henry comes bursting out of the darkness, stripping his clothes off as he runs. He continues running towards me but doesn't come to the car. He stops just short of it. Glancing towards me for a moment, then he darts up the side alley across from me. Once again, the darkness consumes him. I'm frantic at this point. All l hear is screaming in the distance, but it's getting closer. I can make out Johnny's voice. He's pleading with someone, telling them he's unarmed.
A sense of relief washes over me when I see Johnny running up the street. I would know him anywhere. The nearby street light illuminates his shadow. I could vaguely make out his facial features. From what I could see, he had a look of pure terror in his eyes.
Then I heard the gunshots. Three in a row. Pop pop pop.
I saw them tear into him. Ripping through his clothing and flesh like melted butter. His body jerked before he stopped running. Then he stood still for a moment. He looked scared and confused.
At first, there was only a small amount of dark red blood spreading across his chest. Then, in slow motion, I watched his body slump down towards the ground. He landed in a kneeling position, holding his upper body up by his arms.
I didn't even have time to think. I reacted, jumping out of the car and running towards him. The whole way, I kept telling myself it was a dream. That I needed to wake up. I was screaming at myself to open my eyes, to please wake up.
The man continued to shoot despite already shooting him.
I used all my strength to grab him, attempting to move him to safety. I tried to save him. Even doing everything you see in the movies. I laid him down on his back, using my jacket to apply pressure. No matter how hard I tried, the blood kept pouring out of him. I remember screaming for help, between yelling at God. I was so mad at him. Why would he let this happen? I kept screaming, pleading for someone to appear. But no one came.
Each time I glanced up at his face, he looked weaker and weaker. His eyes were getting so heavy. Blood began trickling out of the corner of his mouth as he attempted to speak. He mumbled sorry before his eyes closed one last time. I sat there helpless as his life slipped away.
Mindlessly, holding his lifeless body in my arms I felt useless. I cradled him like a baby for what seemed like an eternity. But I knew I had to leave. I didn't want to. The sirens ringing out in the distance brought me back. I grabbed my stuff up, kissed him one last time, and took off, fleeing for my life. I had no plan. No idea where I was going. I left him there, his lifeless body all alone in that alley. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I didn't even realize someone shot me until I stopped running. The reason there was so much blood on Johnny was because it wasn't all his. I'm sorry I can't do this anymore" I try to stand up but he pulls me back down. My mind is in overdrive. I'm not thinking right. I'm so confused.
I have to make this pain stop. I'm so sick of hurting. Of reliving this moment. Physical pain is a bitch, but the mental pain is pure hell. I live in it daily, trapped in a constant nightmare. I need to escape from the pain and hurt.
Sometimes I wonder if living is even worth it. If it should have been me dead instead of him? I have made so much progress. But like I said before, every time I take a step forward, I take ten more back.
But one thing I know right now is I have to make this go away.
And I only know one thing that can make it stop, right now, right this second. I know I'm selfish. I'm going to end up hurting Skylar but right now, I don't care.
I don't care that I'm acting like a slut. Or that tomorrow I'm going to hate myself even worse than I already do. The only thing I care about right this second is getting high, to numb myself and take the pain away.
Since I don't have any drugs, I'll take the next best thing, Hayden. He doesn't know it yet, but he's going to be my escape.