Currently only the chapters before this have been rewritten. This one and on might be inconsistent for now.
——————
Wilbur was the first to wake up. Last night, or more accurately, this morning, had been mostly fun. Phil had, unsurprisingly, figured out what was going on with Tommy. Apparently he had also been concerned.
Wilbur had been introduced to Techno's keyboard. Techno claimed to not really play anything but Wilbur saw various instrument cases in the closet.
He would ask more today, with Tommy to help pester Techno to play. Tommy was good at pestering.
After messing around with a very quiet keyboard, the antics had died down. At about 5, they finally went to sleep.
It was 1 pm now. Wow, a full 8 hours?
Wilbur rolled off the couch and opened the closet to get his stuff. Then he headed to the bathroom to get ready for the afternoon.
Techno had said something very pog was planned, which honestly worried Wilbur but he was still excited.
He came out to the kitchen/living room area to find Phil was awake. "Leftover pizza for breakfast?" Wilbur asked.
"We're in a whole new country but you wanna stick with pizza?"
"Yes."
Phil laughed and got up to get ready. When he came back Wil had heated up a few slices for the two of them. Wil had apparently taken stock of the kitchen. "The only other option here is bread, apparently. I don't think Techno shops much."
"Only bread??? What can he do with just bread??"
"Well there's a toaster." Both of them laughed.
"I feel judged."
Wilbur turned around in surprise to see techno in the hallway, in pig pajamas. The laughter increased.
"N-nice pajamas." Wilbur covered his smile with his hand.
"You uh, you really embraced your character, mate."
Both were stifling laughter, unsuccessfully.
"Shut up, nerds."
———
Tommy heard the conversation start up in the kitchen. He quietly slipped into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and grimaced. His cheeks were too hollow, but he still had a double chin, at least that's what he saw.
He pulled his shirt tight behind his back and frowned in disgust. Was he that fat yesterday? Probably.
He turned to see his side profile. Even worse. How could he not try to lose weight when he looked like that? Techno wanted to help but there was nothing to help. He didn't have a problem with eating; it was the solution to his body. He was already helping himself.
Maybe it's not that healthy though.
He physically shook his head. This was fine. He got light headed easily and felt weak when he did anything but that was just dehydration. He knew he should drink more water, but that was all.
Maybe he should eat a little more.
He shook his head more. No. Anything more than the pizza last night would make him gain weight. That was unacceptable. He needed to get control or his progress towards looking ok would be lost. Just a matter of controlling himself and he could do it. He could reach the goal of... better.
He... didn't really have a definitive goal. When his stomach was flat. When he wasn't in danger of stretch marks. That was his goal. It wasn't really a number goal, so those shouldn't matter. Yet those numbers went down, and he got happy. Those numbers went up, and he felt sick.
Speaking of numbers, did Techno have a scale?
He looked around but did not see a scale. Guess not. That sucks. He wouldn't know those magical numbers for over a week. He felt the panic start to build up. He needed to know. Now.
There was a knock at the door.
"Tommy?"
It was Techno. How did people always knock when he was not ok?
"Yeah, blade?"
"Pizza for breakfast."
Fuck.
———
Phil had noticed how different Tommy was acting right away. He was quieter, and zoning out often. Kinda reminded Phil of how Techno was acting but, as far as he knew, Tommy didn't have adhd.
He finished his pizza and heard Techno and Tommy coming back out. Both were still in pajamas.
"Wil heated up some slices for you, yeah?"
"Thanks Wil. You guys stay up late last night?"
"No, only until about 5. Normal for Techno."
"Holy shit. Do you even have a sleep schedule, man?"
"No. That was part of the reasoning to bring you guys here."
Phil sat back on his stool. They were seated around a counter of some stone he didn't know. He listened to the others talk; interjecting occasionally.
Tommy hadn't touched his pizza.
"Hey Tommy?"
"Yeah big man?"
"You gonna eat your pizza?"
Tommy laughed nervously.
"Y-yeah. Uh- I mean, well. I'm not actually very hungry but I might."
"Tommy..."
"I know you don't want to, but for your own safety and health you gotta eat something."
"W-what are you talking about? I'm really not hungry, I swear. I had that pizza this morning or some shit. I'm fine."
Phil saw Techno press his lips together. They all knew he was hungry, but even Techno seemed to be struggling with how to get him to eat.
"Tommy, please eat a few bites. I don't quite understand but in order to go walking around the park later, you need some food in you."
This was not an easy problem with a simple solution. Phil hadn't really understood that before but seeing how resistant and fearful Tommy was getting proved that to him.
"Why does this feel like an intervention? Guys, chill, I'm fine. Really. I'll eat a bite, ok?"
He did follow through. He made motions to emphasize that it wasn't a problem to eat, but he looked like he was going to throw up as soon as he put the pizza in his mouth.
"Ok... that's good. You do need more than a bite though. Do you feel comfortable answering some questions here? Or do you want to go to my room? Either is ok, no judgment from anyone here."
Tommy looked back and forth between the others. He tensed up and took a breath.
"Y-your room. Please."
———
Techno led Tommy to his room, taking the pizza with him.
Meanwhile, Wilbur was mildly panicked. He had never dealt with anything like this and he didn't understand it all. How could he help fix a problem when he didn't really know what the problem was?
He was starting to feel a bit out of his element. Panic attacks? Sure, he knew how to handle those. But eating disorders? Better left to a professional who wouldn't say every wrong thing and fuck the child up more.
Speaking of panic attacks though, he tore his eyes from the door of the room they had gone to. Then he closed his eyes and focused on taking deep breaths. He felt better just knowing that he still had control over calming himself down.
He opened his eyes to see Phil also lost in thought.
"I hope Techno can help him until he gets home."
"Yeah, me too."
———
Techno was honestly as panicked as the others. He only kinda knew what he was doing. He would rather tell Tommy to see a therapist, so he could get real help, but he needed to eat while he was in America.
Tommy was sitting on the bed while techno was using his chair. He rolled it forward so they were facing each other.
"Tommy, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah."
"Why don't you want to gain weight?"
He needed to determine what the actual problem was. Treating the symptoms and just forcing him to eat would only help his physical health.
"I uh, I don't like how I look."
"Do you think you look fat?"
"Yeah, uh, kinda."
"Ok. Can you do something very un-fun for me?"
"Not if it's eating that pizza."
"It's not."
"Then I can do it."
Techno rolled aside and turned to the wall behind him.
"Can you look in that mirror, and tell me what you notice about yourself?"
Tommy's breath hitched. He looked at the mirror across from him and wanted to cry. Un-fun indeed.
"I- I notice um, my shirt is very baggy. My hair is poofy. And blond. Uh, umm. It's not good. My reflection isn't good."
"Ok. Can you tell me something that is good about it?"
"Look big man I would if I could, but there isn't anything there."
Nothing there cause you're wasting away- deep breath. No snarky comments. Not helpful right now.
"Nothing at all? What about your eyes?"
"Uhh. I don't really like them either. They look stupid."
"Hm. Ok. Then... do you think not eating will make you look better?"
"I mean, yeah. I can't change a lot but my weight I can. I can control the problems that come with weighing too much if I don't eat."
"Control?"
"Er, yeah."
Maybe if he has something else to exert control on, he'll lose focus on his weight? Not sure that'll work, but it's worth a shot. It probably won't be best long term but in the short term, he's gotta get Tommy eating.
"What if, for a week and a half, until you get home, we focus on getting you happier with your appearance? You have to eat at least every day though."
"How would I get happier with my appearance?"
"Well, I don't know if it'll work for you, but I focused as much as possible on a different part I could control. Hence the pink hair."
"Really? Isn't that recent though? Wait why did have to?"
"Ah well, Technoblade may never die, but I'm very capable of crying at a mirror. And the color is recent, but the length isn't. On days where it's really hard to be ok with how I look, I focus on various hairstyles."
"My hair isn't long enough to do that though? ...Are you like me?"
"I was. Eating wise, I got better. You can too. It doesn't have to be styling hair. Clothes, makeup, accessories... anything but stuff you can't or shouldn't control."
"Why shouldn't I control my weight? I don't have a problem with that."
"Tommy, you're definitely underweight. You've controlled it into an unhealthy range. Maintaining a healthy weight is different than avoiding food for fear of how it'll affect your looks."
"There's no way I'm underweight. If I was, I wouldn't look like this! Ahg! This is so stupid! Why do I care how I look anyways! I'm so stupid! I'm just self-absorbed and stupid."
Oh.
Techno should've expected some sort of a more emotional reaction at some point, but this had still caught him off guard.
Fuck. What should he say? What should he say?!
"I don't even understand why you guys care! Aren't I just a problem? How do you guys stand me? Why would you put up with how stupid my brain is? I fucking cry from seeing myself! How is that not annoying?"
Say nothing. Let Tommy lash out, vent, say what he's thinking. Respond after. Just listen.
"I don't need help! I don't want help! I've already tried to find something that I like! I've been trying! Do any of you know how hard it is to absolutely hate every part of yourself?! I don't like it and this is how I'm dealing with it and I'm fine!"
Yes I do know how hard it is, but I'll be quiet.
"And... oh god I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I started yelling, I'm sorry. I can't believe that. I'm rea-"
Techno lunged forward and hugged Tommy, cutting him off.
"It's ok, Tommy. I'd rather you yell than bottle everything up."
Tommy sniffled and buried his head in techno's chest. He still kept mumbling sorry while crying.
"Oh now I've gotten your shirt wet. I'm really sorry Techno. I've blown the whole trip, haven't I?"
"No, no you haven't done anything wrong. My shirt is fine. I know it's hard. It's not and won't be an easy thing to go through and I wish you didn't have to. We all care about you and I would give up the whole trip if it meant helping you, ok?"
"Ok."
Tommy stopped crying a few minutes later.
"If I cry anymore I'm going to be really dehydrated. More than I am starved."
Tommy laughed a bit. Techno smiled.
"Hey Tommy?"
"You're going to ask me either a hard question or tell me to eat, aren't you?"
"Wh- uh, yeah. Pizza. In mouth. Go."
"I'm sorry I questioned you caring, I get that you do, but really I don't even feel unhealthy. I feel fine."
"Tommy..."
"No really, I haven't had a headache today or anything."
"That's... a really low bar. Please eat some of the pizza."
"Techno please. Not again."
"Healthy, remember? Junk food is better than no food in this case, and we'll go somewhere healthy for dinner."
Tommy sighed. "You said to not focus on weight, right? Control something else?"
"Yeah."
Tommy looked like he was contemplating something.
"Am I really that underweight? Is that how you all knew?"
"Yes. Tommy you're a skeleton."
"Ok Techno. I don't like it, but I'll try. I don't want to get hospitalized. Don't expect three meals though."
"Ehhhhh okayyyy. For now you can get by on two, but I'm gonna make sure those two count, got it?"
"Yeah."
"Tommy?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm proud of you. Good job."
"... thanks techno."
Tommy grabbed the plate of pizza next to him and took a bite. Nothing was different. He still hated having to risk gaining weight, but if it worried his friends that much, he'd at least try. If what techno said was true, he would never be able to fix his body. If he was already concerningly skinny, he couldn't erase the problems.
He felt like he should keep ahold of that thought.
Techno had no clue how any of what he said had gotten Tommy to eat, but he wasn't gonna complain.
——————
Tommy and Techno came back out to the kitchen. Wilbur and Philza had heard Tommy shouting, and they only had one response.
"Tommy, we love you. As dadza, I am never going to stop wanting to help you, yeah?"
"I seriously see you as a younger brother, and even if you can be annoying, I wouldn't trade you for anyone else. I want you to be happy and not waste away, ok?"
Tommy looked like he was gonna cry again, but he didn't. He smiled a little and ran to hug Wilbur. Phil and Techno joined the now-group hug.
Tommy broke the silence.
"Hey Techno, can I dye my hair?"
——————
So the actual "seeing California" bit starts next chapter, sort of.
Disclaimer:
I am not a therapist. I'm not a psychologist. Please don't take anything that's been said as good advice, I really don't know if it is.
If you have an eating disorder, please see a therapist. They'll know how to help.
Have a nice day :)