By the time I wake up the next morning, it's already almost noon. It takes several minutes for me to fully wake up. I had forgotten how good it felt to sleep all night. Last night was the first night in over two years that I did not have any nightmares. Not one.My body feels so rested, better than I have in a long time.
I let out a low moan as I stretch. Looking around beside me, I realize that I'm alone. I'm surprised. I had expected to find Hayden next to me, or at least in the room. But he's not. It's only me.
I don't know why, but I'm upset. What did I even expect? I mean, it's not like we're in a relationship. Or even friends. But waking up alone was not what I had wanted. I can't help the small twinge of sadness that is building in my stomach.
Trying to get my mind off of things, I spend the day doing laundry and catching up on my notes for tomorrow. I have an English test which I'm dreading. I have been attempting to put off studying all weekend.
Sighing, I flip through the pages of my notebooks. Skimming over my chicken scratch writing. I like to organize my notes, separated by dates and classes. Each class has its own personal folder. I've divided each folder into chapters labeled by individual tabs. I also like to use different-colored highlighters. Yellow for dates, green for names, and pink for anything else I think is important.
I wish I would have tried this hard before. Maybe I would have been more successful in life. Instead of being eighteen with nothing to my name.
A ding from my computer across the room catches my attention. As I'm folding my clean load of whites, still skimming my notes. I match the last two socks in my basket, rolling them up before tossing them back into the basket. Before the call ends, I quickly rush over to the desk and open my laptop.
"Hey mom" I smile at the screen when her face appears. I hadn't realized until now how much I miss her.
"Bex, I miss you so much. You look amazing, honey. How are you liking all your classes? How have you been? Have you made any friends?" My mom eagerly starts bombarding me with questions. Not even giving me a chance to answer the first one before she asks the next one.It feels so good to see her face, but she looks different. I'm not sure what it is. I can't quite put my finger on it.
I know it's only been a couple of weeks since I left, but she has changed. She looks older, maybe even sadder than I remember. Or has she always looked like this and I never took the time to notice? I sit there taking her appearance in. It feels like I haven't seen her in ages, a lot longer than a couple of weeks.
She's wearing her favorite green sweater. The one that my nana had bought her last Christmas. As usual, she has her hair pulled up. I can't help but notice that she has a significantly larger amount of grey streaks through it. Or perhaps she hasn't dyed it lately.
"I'm doing good, Mom. You would be proud of me. So far, I am keeping all my grades up," I inform her. While holding up my notes to show her.
"Ask her the actual questions you want to know" April's screechy voice pops up from the background."How many guys have you fucked? Have you found any new college drugs that you like?" Her pudgy face appears smashed next to my mom's.
Her bushy brown hair is wild and matted against her chunky cheeks. Which are redder than usual. I'm assuming it's from the large break out of acne she has.I wish I could reach through the screen and slap that smug look off of her face.
"April!" my mom scolds, pushing her away. She smacks at her off of the screen. I know it's all for show. April never gets punished for real. That was always my department. I can tell by her face my mom is secretly wondering those same questions. But she doesn't want to ask them out loud. She's probably afraid of what my answers would be.
"No Mom, it's okay. I know you have your doubts. I haven't given you any reasons to trust me yet," I groan, trying to reassure her I'm okay. While also trying not to let April bother me. It's hard though.
"The answer to the drugs is no, I haven't. That's something I don't want to go back to. I learned my lesson the hard way. And I haven't slept with anyone either," I reassure her. My voice trembles as I try to act strong. At the same time trying to keep my own emotions in check.It's not like I'm lying to her. I haven't physically had sex with Hayden. But I still can't help feeling guilty. All I have ever wanted to do is make my mom proud of me. I never got the chance to prove it to my dad. I don't want to make the same mistake with her.
"Yea, right," I hear April mumble in the background. It's a relief when my mom's phone rings behind her. April gives me an evil little grin as my mom turns to answer it.
"Hello, oh hi mom. Yea, I can talk. Give me a minute. I'm on a Facetime call with Bex. Let me hang up with her. Okay, Mom, hold on," I continue listening as she talks to my grandmother on her cellphone. She places the phone down, turning back to me.
"Honey, I love you. Ignore your sister. We both miss you so much. But Nana is calling long distance, so I will call you back later, okay? Take care and I can't wait to see you for the holidays" She blows me a kiss through the screen, before hanging up. I don't even have the chance to respond as the screen goes black. The last image I saw was of April flipping me off behind my mother's back.
I haven't even thought about the upcoming holidays. Do I even want to go home? I miss my mom, but I know it's only because we are apart. I just got away from there. Plus, I don't know If I can go that whole vacation without strangling April. I'm still contemplating my options when Skylar walks in.
"Hey," I smile at her as she comes in sitting on the end of her bed. I swivel around in the computer chair so that I can face her.
I can tell by the way she's acting something is up. I'm assuming it must have something to do with me and Hayden. I have never seen her act this way towards me. She normally is completely open and straight to the point.It's making me extremely uncomfortable.
I watch her for a minute in silence as she fumbles with the zipper on her jacket. Her eyes are completely avoiding mine.
I can't help but feel like I'm back in high school, sitting in the principal's office. Aware of the scolding I'm about to receive. The only difference was at least then I had known what I had done.
"Is everything okay?" I cautiously ask. I want to break the tension even though I'm nervous about where this conversation is going to go.
"Bex, I don't know what to say right now. Or how to even approach this," she starts, then pausing once again. The only sound aside from our combined breathing is her feet. She is shuffling them around on the ground, back and forth. Her eyes were also now focused down on them.
"It's okay, tell me what's on your mind. You can ask me anything" I don't know if I'm trying to reassure myself or her more at this point.
"I like you, Bex. You're one of my best friends here" she pauses. This time, she shifted her whole body around uncomfortably on the bed.
"I want to trust you. And I don't want there to be any secrets between us," she starts again. I can tell that she's carefully trying to choose her words.Knowing where this conversation is going, I choose to stay silent.
"If you're fucking my brother, please tell me," she finally blurts out. Her eyes suddenly dart up, locking onto mine. I know she's trying to read me.
"We haven't had sex, if that's what you mean," I shrug. I'm not sure if I should tell her the rest right now or not. She only asked whether we had sex. Not if we have ever fooled around.
She lets out a deep breath that I'm not sure she was even aware she was holding in."Look, Hayden is my brother and I love him so much, more than anyone else in this world. But he's troubled. He's a good person, he just doesn't know how to treat people. He goes through girls all the time. And he doesn't even feel bad for hurting them at all," she mumbles, shaking her head back and forth slightly. Like when you're trying to get a terrible picture out of your mind.
"Normally I'm the one that gets stuck trying to help them piece things back together after he leaves. And I don't want him to come between our friendship," she sighs heavily. The pain is clear in her eyes.
I reach across the desk to grab a tissue and hand it to her. I'm not sure if I should say anything or not. After a few seconds, I decided against it.
"I don't think he knows how to care about someone other than himself. At least I've never seen it. Hell, come to think of it, I have never even known him to sleep next to a girl unless he's getting what he wants." She pauses, using the tissue to dab the corners of her eyes.
"Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad person. He has a lot of problems, mainly trust issues. I've tried to help him as much as I can but it never works. A person can only do so much. I don't want him to hurt you, because it will happen. Everyone that loves Hayden gets hurt, even me." More tears are forming in her eyes as she looks up at me, waiting for me to say something.
We sit there for a few more minutes in silence. I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say. The Hayden she explained to me seems like a completely different person. Way different than the boy who wakes me up from my nightmares. The one who touches me so gently and holds me in the dark.
But she's right, she knows him better than anyone else. Do I even know the real him? Is this whole Mr. Nice guy an act to get something from me?My head is spinning even more than before. I can sense a migraine coming on. Taking a deep breath helps me. I'm finally able to find my voice.
"Look, I have a lot of darkness in my past, too. I'm trying to overcome it and move forward. Believe me, I'm not innocent by far. But right now I'm getting a second chance at life and I'm taking it day by day. Some days are harder for me than others. So right now I'm trying to focus on myself and only me." I whisper. My voice once again fails me.
She seems content with my answer though. Drying her eyes once more she tosses the tissue into the trash. Her eyes appear swollen and red. She looks so vulnerable. But even with her face red, swollen, and blotchy, she still looks beautiful.I'm secretly relieved when she shifts the focus to her and Hope's latest conflict.
This allows me time to push my feelings back down and get them under control. Something I have grown quite good at doing here lately.The holidays with my family and Hayden are the last things I want to be thinking about right now. I need an escape. I need something to ease my mind, but there's nothing. There never is. I'm stuck in an endless tidal wave of emotions, that are slowly drowning me.