"One Super Supreme Green Tea bingsu." Noah orders for the both of us, hopefully because the giant poster out side is supposedly drawn to scale, oh and it looks delicious.
He reaches halfway across the table and holds out his hand to me. He wants to hold my hand.
It's kind of a big gesture, I mean it's hand holding. I've done it with him before but that was back when I trusted him. I'm just now starting to forgive him again but trust is something completely different.
Nonetheless, I place my hand on his. He immediately intertwines our fingers and I feel like the trust is being pulled directly out of me. It's not a bad feeling it's just I feel like I gave in too easily. It's weird, maybe it's just the medication that I have to take for pain. It's making me all looney.
"I forgot how soft your hands were." He says with a soft smile.
His smile, it's so friendly. His eyes are so warm. Trust, earned.
"I wanted to tell you something, well a lot of things. I know you've been wanting an explanation for all of this, so I'm finally going to tell you everything."
I swallow hard, half in anticipation and half in unsurety. What is he going to tell me and how will it affect our relationship?
I said I wanted him to stay by my side forever, then pushed him away when I found out he was planning on doing just that. I'm not going to run away anymore, not that Mark would give me much of a choice anyway but, yeah.
The waitress comes by and places our delectable diabetical dessert in between us.
"Thanks, but can you give us some privacy." Noah says, he's still holding my hand.
The waitress smiles, bows then leaves.
We're the only people in this quaint café.
"She started out as someone who had been with Cameron."
I hang onto every word once I realize that "she" is Ella.
"Just like every other girl he'd been with, she wasn't supposed to last more than a few days or a week at most. I guess she knew this because on the day we were planning on cutting ties with her she told us something. She said she was pregnant."
My eyes widen in shock. She'd never told me this, but this was around the same time that she cut all ties with me.
"Cameron, like the rest of us, was pretty shocked at first. But he still decided to take full responsibility he asked to go with her to get checkups and stuff but she didn't let him. One day we saw a hospital band on her arm and since she said it was from her latest hospital visit, we didn't give it much thought."
My hand is starting to sweat but he doesn't let go, instead he continues.
"Since Cameron was spending more time with her, we were all spending more time with her. Since we thought she was his baby-momma-to-be we tried our best to get along with her, but she took advantage of it. She found out things about us that no one else knew and even started blackmailing us with them. We hated her for that but Mark didn't. Even though the blackmailing led to her being with more than just Cameron, Mark still found himself being infatuated with her."
Once again I'm shocked. Did Mark really? I can't believe he loved someone. He always seems so cold, even though he's nice to me sometimes and that one time by the lockers-which I still don't understand. But he loved Ella, I wonder if he still does.
"She of course didn't feel the same way. She didn't love Cameron or Mark, she loved Jamie. He was the most distant from her out of everyone else, yet she still longed for him. I guess it was a forbidden fruit kind of thing, because he wasn't attracted to her at all. Nothing could've made him feel any different, but she didn't know that so she pursued him even harder. She wasn't any nicer to him than she was to the rest of us, in fact I think she crossed the line on how cruel she was to him. She'd constantly make snide comments mocking him or something that she knew could hurt him. It got to the point where he began ignoring her existence." He takes a break, deciding to start on the melting dessert in front of us.
I can't eat because I'm so shocked, so when he holds up a spoon to me I shake my head, which makes him stop eating as well. He rubs my hand lightly as he continues.
"Mark hated all of this and they fought a lot during that time. Remember the day when Ella fainted in school?"
I nodded my head, though I'd tried to let her go since I knew she no longer cared about me, that was still one of the scariest days of my life.
"We feared for the baby so we all went with her to the hospital. The nurse gave us the weirdest look when we asked her about it and I'll never forget what she said. "She doesn't have a baby, she has leukemia.""
I pulled my hand away from his to cover my mouth. That's why I'd never heard of the baby, because it was all a lie.
I feel sad for the guys. They had to find out about both of these things at the same time, on such a sad day. I remember the day Ella left me she said it was because she wanted to "live fast" and that I was holding her back. It was about a month later that I found out she had leukemia. I cried for an entire day, like what I feel like doing now.
Noah's eyes are watering as well. "We were all to dumb to realize that she wasn't actually showing she was just wearing bigger clothes. Cameron took it really hard, he left the hospital right after finding out. The rest of us planned on confronting her about it but once she woke up and we saw how weak she was our hearts soften. We visited her everyday after that. Jamie who once ignored her and only still hung around her because the rest of us did, stared warming up to her. Mark still loved her, in fact I think he loved her even more. She still didn't feel the same way and she was still as cynical as ever but we forgave her every time."
Tears are falling and Noah's voice softens as he continues.
"One day I suggested she write a list of things she wanted to do once she left the hospital. She said it was a bucket list, but I don't know. I just couldn't grasp the fact that she was dying. She made all of us write somethings as well. I thought it was because she still wanted all of us to be together once she got out, but she said it was because we could all die at any minute."
I'm shaking.
"We were there for her on her good days and on her bad days. Some days she'd be unconscious and some days we'd be able to take her outside. On the last day she cried. It was my first time seeing her cry. She said it was because she never got the thing she wanted most."
I'm sobbing.
''The day before, Jamie had left for a mandatory businesses trip to Japan with his father. He didn't have to watch her die like the rest of us did. He didn't even make it to her funeral. Her parents came up to us and placed a silver box inside of Mark's hands. It was her bucket list wishes, our bucket list wishes I guess you could say. We decided to honor her death by fulfilling all of them. Jamie was against it but Mark guilt tripped him into doing it anyway. We decided to give ourselves some time and waited until the next school year to officially start. Now we do them almost everyday. Even though we call them dares they're actually just wishes."
He wipes his eyes, finally finished. "Don't cry."
"I'm sorry, it's just that talking about her and thinking about her makes me really sad." I say using my hand to cover my watering eyes.
We sit in silence for a while. The only sounds come from my occasionally sniffles and his spoon hitting the metal bingsu bowl.
"Do you miss her?" I ask through tear clouded vision.
His face hardens. "No, I don't. I was sad when she died but I don't miss her."
I stare down at the table until I feel his grip on my hand again.
"I'm sorry, but I love you because you're nothing like her."