"Tess this is Gina. Shes a trauma therapist."
"Hi Tessa its lovely to meet you. Im sorry about what happened to you. No one should go through that." My eyes instantly go to hardin.
"You told her." I grit my teeth.
"Everything said between me and you is confidential unless i think your a danger to others and yourself." I really dont give a fuck. I want her to leave.
"Well thats lovely except i dont need a therapist nor do I want a therapist so please leave my apartment." Shes caught off guard by my hostility.
"Tess I really think this will be good for you."
"I don't care.I don't want a therapist. Can you please leave." Im so pissed at hardin right now.
"Look I know it might be hard for you to talk about but I guarantee it will make you feel better and deal with all the things you must be feeling right now." Does she purposely speak to annoy me.
"Oh im sorry did you not hear me i said get the hell out of my apartment." Hardin steps forward and touches my shoulder trying to calm me down.
"Get off me." I swat his hand away.
"Maybe I should come back another time."
"No you won't come back at all." She walks towards the door and I slam it behind her. I turn to hardin.
"Why the hell were you so rude to her?" Really.
"You told her. YOU told her about what happened to me. You had no right to do that at all. You didn't even talk to me about it and I made you promise to not tell ANYONE and then you go tell some random stranger I dont even know." Im more annoyed that he told her what happened than actually bringing a therapist here.
"I was just trying to help."
"Well you made things worse. I told you what you needed to do to help me and getting me a therapist wasnt one of them."
"Why are getting so worked up about this?"
"Because it wasnt something for you to just go and tell someone. I don't want anyone knowing anything."
"I didnt mean to upset you tess I was just trying to help." But it didn't help.
"You know what forget about it and tell that therapist never to come back here and listen to me this time when I say I DONT want to talk about it. Ever." I huff.
I've never been so moody in my whole life. Everything is annoying. Everyone is annoying. My whole life is just annoying.
I isolate myself from hardin for the rest of the day. I need time to cool down and I also need to apolagize for being slightly snappy earlier. I know he was just trying to help me but he was in the wrong to just go and tell that women everything that happened.
"Hardin." I walk into the living room looking around for him except he isn't here. I see a note on the counter top.
Gone to the shops. Be back soon. I love you
-H xxx
Not long after hardin walks through the door with one bag in his hands.
"You ok?" I ask. He walks over to me and hands me a bouquet of flowers from behind his back.
"Im sorry. Please dont be mad at me." My heart warms at his gesture. He's never got me flowers before. I instantly smile at him.
"Im not mad at you. I mean earlier I was livid but I've cooled off."
"Look I know you said you don't want to talk about it but im worried about you. You've been getting no sleep and constant nightmares. Your really snappy with everyone not just me and bottling everything up isn't going to help." He sighs.
"I understand why your worried about me, I do but you have to understand that IM not ready to talk about it. Forgetting everything and pretending it didn't happen has worked so far and I dont want to re-live everything that happened every single time I talk about it so if that means never mentioning it to anyone ever again so be it." He gives me the look that he won't let that happen.
"You know after I saw what happened to my mum I tried to do that but you witnessed it yourself. I never let go of it. I carried it with me for years because I didnt tell anyone and tried to forget about it. Thats what led to my nightmares. I dont want you to go through what I went through every night and I only saw it, It never actually happened to me thats why it pains me that your having these nightmares. I cant imagine what it must be like for you which is why I need you to talk to someone about all of it." I mean he is right but I just don't want to face any of it yet.
"Hardin i-"
"Do it for me." Why did he have to pull that card on me.
"Thats not fair." He walks over to me placing his hands either side of my face.
"I know but please do it for me." I cant say no to that which is why It annoys me.
"Fine. But find a different therapist" I sigh. He leans in to kiss me.
"Thank you. I love you." He whispers before our lips touch.
"I have a question. How come your not afraid to come near me anymore. I thought it would have taken months for you to not be jumpy if I get too close." I did too. But something about how he kissed me the other day repeating 'its me' put me at ease. I wasnt thinking about him and what happened I was concentrating on his words and his touch.
"Remember when you kissed me the other day and you kept reminding me that its just you. Thats why I'm so much more relaxed around you now. I dont think about it when your touching me or kissing me im just thinking of you." He smiles at my confession.
1 week later
I've been going to therapy for the last 3 days. I hate it. They want me to repeat what happened over and over again and its just brining back everything that I didn't want to remember. My bruises have gone lighter but you can still see them there. I still have my nightmares every night without fail and its gotten to the point now where hardins not sleeping either. He's still sleeping on the couch which cant be comfortable and it makes me feel soooo guilty.
"How does it make you feel?" Is that a serious question.
"What do you mean how does that make me feel. I was raped. It made me feel like shit and that I didnt matter."
"Your speaking in the past tense does that mean you no longer feel that way?"
"I mean there's still truth in those words. My life has been pretty shitty I cant lie. I lost my child a few months ago,the chance of me having kids is slim, I was raped in an empty parking lot on my own, left there on the floor after he had his way with me and now I have to put up with these pointless sessions for the next however many long weeks. Oh not to mention that I've got around 4 weddings to plan and emails to answer. So to answer your question yes I still feel that way."
"Miss young have you ever self harmed or been suicidal?"
"Yes. I used to self harm when I was around 15 but I stopped. Last year I was in hospital because my mental health was deteriorating and I was loosing the will to live." God that sounds depressing as fuck.
"Why?"
"My current boyfriend , at the time had left and disappeared for years without telling anyone. He was suicidal so I had assumed that he killed himself. I tried to take my life numerous times then."
"Does he know that?"
"He knows i was in hospital because of my mental health but not because I tried to kill myself." I ont think hardin would like hearing about this.
"Does he know this?" No.
"No. It would destroy him."
"I know it might be hard but you need to tell him. Its pivotal that he knows everything as well." Im not telling him about that.
"Ok." Our appointment is over and i leave as soon as my alarm goes off. Yes I set an alarm to make sure I dont have to spend anymore time in that horrible office. When I get outside I spot Hardin waiting in the car for me.
We get back to the apartment and we make lunch. I haven't eaten anything today and im starving.
"How did it go?" He asks. He's asked me this same question every day since I started these therapy appointments.
"Same as yesterday.... how long do I have to go. They aren't working at all he just makes me repeat what happened every time."
"Maybe thats so he knows you've come to terms with what happened and have admitted it to yourself. Not just IGNORING it."I roll my eyes at his smart ass reply.
"Ive already said I know what happened. I havent ignored it and im not afraid to say it out loud to myself. Isnt that enough." I choke up.
"If you had it your way right now would you go straight back to ignoring it?" He sits down next to me at the kitchen stools.
"Probably." It's just easier.
"Then no its not enough."
"I dont want to go anymore hardin. Its exhausting having to repeat step by step what he did to me. I don't want to re-live that every day." Im crying now. Hardin noticed and pulls me onto his lap. I wrap my arms around him and cry into his shoulder.
"I know this is hard for you tess but I promise it will help you. Your the strongest person I know." He pulls me away so he can see my face and he wipes away my tears with his thumbs.
"Are you sure you still want me to go?" I ask him already knowing his answer.
"Yes im sure. " he giggles.
"God your beautiful." He kisses me.
"Can we move out?" Its the most random question to ask in this situation but there's no time like the presence.
"Sure." Wait what.
"Wasnt expecting you to say yes. I thought you were going to say we can't move until we start having babies. "
"Ye well we could use a new place to make those babies." He says. This place already has too many bad feelings attached to it now. Im down to move out as soon as possible.
"Ok then we can start looking for new apartments" I love looking for new apartments or houses. I want to move into somewhere big,open and bright with neutral coloured furniture and in the middle of nowhere.
I climb off hardins lap but he pulls me back onto him wrapping his arms around my back. Our lips press together and he deepens the kiss opening his mouth allowing me to slide my tounge along his. His hands move under my top and up to my bra.
"You ok?" I nod and connect our mouths again. He unclasps my bra pulling it from under my top. His hands massage my chest giving my goosebumps but also an unsteady feeling. He lifts me up with him and lays me down on the sofa so he's looking down at me. His hand moves under my shirt again with the bottom of my top lifting up slightly so my stomach is showing. My legs wrap around his waist and he reaches down to his zipper undoing his pants.
"Wait,wait,wait." He stops his movements and brings his hands to my cheeks again.
"Its okay. Whenever your ready"
"Im sorry." I feel awful when this happens.