[They say boys don't cry
But your dad has shed a lot of tears
They say I should be a strong man
But baby, I'm still filled with fear
Sometimes I don't know who I am
Sometimes I question why I'm here
I just wanna be a good dad]
I gave up on Niall again. He was doing well for a couple days after Halloween, but we're now back at the same routine we were before. I checked my phone one last time, surprised to see a Snapchat video from Niall under the time, covering the lock screen.
Nialler💚🤍🧡
"Hey, pet. I'm so so sorry I'm late again. But we're just about done. Go ahead and go to bed and give Via a kiss for me... I'll be home soon... I love you."
I sighed and resisted the urge to start crying because of how much time we've lost. I only turned off my phone, standing up and turning everything else off except the kitchen light. I made sure the door was locked and began to walk up the stairs, checking on Via in the process. Nowadays, Via was the only person to keep me from pulling my own hair out because every time I looked at her, it was like I was looking at Niall. I closed her door again and walked over to my room, going to brush my teeth and hair like usual. I went to the bed, removing the pillows that Niall and I would usually remove and lifted the covers. I placed the baby monitor on my bedside table and got into bed, turning off the lamp.
I pulled the duvet up to my chin and let out a long sigh before my lip started to quiver. I just hope that after this album is out, we can go back to how we were before. I breathed deeply, closing my eyes and falling asleep, hoping Niall would get here soon.
When I woke up from the cries in the baby monitor, I noticed the familiar shoes in the corner of the room. I sat up slowly, yawning and grabbing my phone from the nightstand. I checked the time and mentally groaned, seeing that it was past 2. I was about to throw the covers off of me until I heard her only start to whimper and some shushing. "Shh... It's alright. You're alright..." I heard Niall whisper. I sighed and felt my heart fall to my stomach when I heard him sniffle, it was obvious that he was crying. "God, you know I'm a bad dad when I can't even calm you down anymore." I frowned slightly and continued to listen to him. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore, princess. I-I've been stupid and I've been putting my job first instead of you and mummy." He sniffled. "I don't mean to do that. I just want to be a good dad, but I don't know how."
I wiped the tear that fell and sighed. "I want to be there and watch you grow up to be like mummy, but this job is keeping me from doing that. I love you two too much to let that happen, but here I am, letting my job get in between my family. I don't deserve you or mummy. I know I don't, but yet, you two are always there for me and wait for me. Why? I don't know. But I'm so grateful that you do. God, I love you." He sniffles. I got out of bed and walked to Via's room, seeing it cracked open. I opened the door and saw Niall holding the baby close to him as if she was so fragile. He turned back and was quick to wipe the tears away. "Um.. I-I thought you were asleep." He covered up. I leaned against the doorway, crossing my arms over my stomach before holding up the baby monitor.
"I wasn't." I said quietly. He sighed in defeat and walked to the crib, placing a sleeping Via down. "Niall, if you were feeling that way, why didn't you talk to me?" I asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. He pursed his lips, as if trying to contain the tears that were about to fall.
"It's just... You've got this all down and I don't know what to do. I've never had a daughter and I don't know what I'm doing, Emily." He admits, sitting on the rocking chair.
"Niall," I removed his arms that were on his knees and sat down on his lap, facing the crib. "You could've told me you felt this way." I said, cupping his face and making him look at me. "We're in this together, remember? Part of that means that we have to communicate so that we know what we need and what the baby needs." I explained. He sighed again, wrapping his arms around my waist and hugging me tightly.
"I don't deserve you. Or Via. I'm only making you not get enough sleep and making Via not want to be with me anymore." He cried against my shoulder. I felt terrible.
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him close to me, letting him cry. "Niall, stop. Stop saying that you don't deserve us because look, we loved each other so much that we had a fricken baby! How awesome is it that now we have someone else to bug!" I whisper shouted. Niall laughed quietly and I made him look back up at me. "I know why you're late. And it doesn't matter. Because I'm proud of you and the boys. Via is proud of you and the boys. And it just means that you need more daddy-daughter time, and I'm all for that." I said to him. He gave a small grin and pressed his forehead against mine.
"I love you so much. Please never forget it." I shook my head against his and smiled, scrunching up my nose.
"I love too, never forget that." He smiled and kissed me gently. That was the first kiss that we've had in a while. And it felt amazing.
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[Growing Up - Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Ed Sheeran]
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A/N:
LOOLLL I'M SORRY I FORGOT TO POST THIS BOOK YESTERDAY KSJLFLJHASD
TO MAKE UP FOR IT, I'LL POST TWO TODAY
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TPWK.
All the love, C. xx