Okay, so real quick, I just want to let you know that there is going to be some heavy use of dark humor heavily involving suicide in this story.
Of course, it is not going to be treated as a good thing, but it will be used in a comedic sense.
This is coming from someone who has attempted suicide a few times, and this fanfic may or may not be to vent my frustrations as well as entertain myself and hopefully others.
Suicide and depression in real life shouldn't be treated lightly, mind you. So DO NOT go about this fanfiction thinking this is how you should treat those two things.
And please, if you need help, contact the National Suicide Prevention hotline.
If you just want to talk to someone, I got ya.
Please give criticism if needed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Are you fucking for real?"
Right in front of you was a familiar gate. The entrance to the hidden leaf village.
How did you get here, you might ask? Well, you killed yourself. Simple as that.
Well, okay, maybe you didn't DIRECTLY kill yourself. It was more like you were getting robbed and you actually wanted to robber to shoot you. Luckily for you, it was one of those people who weren't bluffing when they said they would kill you if you didn't comply, so you got shot directly in the head.
It was... painless.
You couldn't think straight because your brain was basically rendered useless. It wasn't what you expected if you were being honest. What would be scary to most was the most amazing experience to you... maybe because you weren't really conscious anymore.
But now you're here.
In front of a gate.
With two vaguely familiar characters.
You couldn't for the life of you remember these bastards, just that they were kinda hot, not gonna lie.
But you're not here to flirt, you're here to figure out what's going on just because you're curious and then find a way kill yourself, because as far as you could tell, there are no guns in Naruto.
Speaking of Naruto...
The fact that you are here is... what is the word.
You're just stunned, in disbelief. And not the good kind.
You just wanted to be dead. That's all. No reincarnation, no new start, just and ending to your miserable existence.
'On second thought, maybe I should just find something high enough to kill myself." You thought and turned away, only to accidentally snap a small twig in half.
The sound. Oh god, the sound.
Nothing was louder than this piece of shit stick.
To make things worse, a hand grasped your shoulder.
"Oi, kid, what are you doing here?"
"To find death." You said.
Okay, so maybe that wasn't the right answer... or was it? Well, whatever it was, it resulted in you meeting the Hecuba... no, the hokebabi... no, that's not right either.
It's been years since you last watched Naruto, so you can't really blame yourself for not being on top of shit.
"Hi, mister..." you started before the man answered you.
"Sarutobi Hiruzen." He said in a light tone.
"Ah yes, the 4th hawkiba."
The man stared at you for a couple seconds before sighing a huff of smoke.
"I believe you mean 3rd Hokage, young one."
"Eh." You simply grunted.
"Anyways, can you tell me where your parents are."
"Non-existent." You said simply.
The man's gaze softened.
"So... they are dead."
"To me, yeah."
He cleared his throat.
"Do you have any relatives?"
"No."
He hummed at this and took a drag of his pipe and breathed out a puff of smoke.
"Alright, I just have a few questions that are required. I just need you to answer them." He said before locking his gaze onto your eyes.
"Do you mean any harm to this village?"
"The hell do I look like, a terrorist? ...no, no I don't mean harm to this village."
The man nodded his head and sighed.
"What village are you from."
"None, I woke up in a forest."
The man hummed at this.
"You woke up in a forest... and you have no memory of your home?"
"No, I remember where I'm from, but I won't be able to get there. I'm dead, you see."
The man blinked at you several times and took his pipe out of his mouth.
"You're... dead?"
"Yes."
"But... you are sitting here and talking just fine."
"Okay, so I should be dead. I got shot in the back of my head." You said while pointing to where the back of your neck and head meet.
The man gave you a skeptical look and you sighed and turned you head for him to see. You had a feeling that there would be nothing there and you would look crazy... until you heard a gasp.
"My... who did this to you...?"
You released the hair behind your head and turned back to him before shrugging.
"I dunno, and I don't really care." You sighed and slouched over.
"You... don't care?"
"No, I don't, I just wanted to die and that man couldn't get the job done."
The Hokage stared at you as you continued to berate who ever it was that tried to kill you for not killing you.
"...I really don't want to have to kill myself by my own hands, honestly, it's such a fucking burden. Say, do you have any guns here?"
"I do not understand what these guns are, child."
"Damn it."
The Hokage really didn't know what to say to this 13 year old who seems so keen on killing themselves. Not even that poor boy, Naruto ever mentioned wanting to take his own life, and he knows that boy has had a not so pleasant childhood so far...
Whatever happened to this child... he can only imagine.
Which was why he took pity in them.
"I would like to offer you residency in this village."
"Oh? How much space is there in the graveyard?"
"No, child, I was offering you a home."
"Six feet under?"
"Child..."
"This looks NOTHING like a grave at all." You looked up at the familiar apartment building. The man beside you, who you remembered as Iruka, Naruto's teacher in the first episodes, looked down at you with a hint of concern.
"That's because it's not... you're going to be living here and going to school." He said and then led you to your apartment room.
"Real quick, I want to warn you that your neighbor is a little rowdy. He's a good kid, just... rebellious is all."
"Naruto?"
"Ye- Wait. How do you know that?" He turned to you with a look of surprise.
"I just do, Iruka-senpai- er sensei." You shrugged, not even trying to defend yourself.
"R-right..."
He stopped in front of the apartment door and dug inside his pocket before pulling out some keys.
"Here, these are yours. Don't lose them, please." He said as he gently placed them in the palm of your hand.
"Okay, tha-"
You both heard a loud thud next door and a cry of pain before the door next to you revealed a golden head of hair.
The VERY familiar boy with whiskers on his cheeks rubbed his head with a pained grimace and looked over to the two of you and yelped.
"IRUKA-SENSEI!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?" He yelled while pointing an accusing finger at the man.
Iruka sighed with an annoyed expression and placed a hand on his hip.
"I'm just escorting this kid here to their room."
"Eh? Oh." He said, losing disinterest.
"Yo." You said.
The boy looked you up and down before sneering a bit and pointed a thumb at himself.
"Well I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm going to be the Hokage one day, believe it!"
"Yeah, I know."
Naruto did a double take and blinked a few times.
"You... know?" He asked not to see if you really knew but to see if you said that by mistake.
"Yeah, I seen it. You got two kids too. Congrats." You shrugged.
Did you care if this affected the future? No, not really. This was basically a huge, realistic fever dream, except not really.
'Maybe this is one of those death hallucinations, but instead of it being my life flashing before my eyes, it's my fucking childhood anime.' You thought.
Meanwhile, Naruto was processing all of this, only to narrow his eyes at you.
"You're just messing with me!"
"What? No, I actually know this stuff, I've seen it."
"I don't believe you!"
Iruka glanced at you both, going back and forth, unable to get a word in.
"Hah! Alright then. In the future, way sooner than you think, you're going to fail that exam that makes you a ninja. But then you steal a scroll or some shit to learn shadow clone jutsu because a white haired guy told you.
And then you learn the jutsu and become a ninja." You said.
Both of them stared at you with Naruto looking at you as though you were crazy, and Iruka staring at you with shock.
'How do they know about the...' he thought before shaking his head.
"Alright you two, that's enough. Head to bed, both of you, you have school tomorrow."
Naruto groaned before disappearing into his apartment and slammed the door shut.
"I'll be here tomorrow to guid you to school... and I'll take Naruto with us so he isn't late again." Iruka grunted.
"He's going to paint the statues by the way." You said.
Iruka stared down at you, slightly bewildered by the blunt accusation.
"I don't know when, but he will do it. Unless he did it already." You shrugged.
"No, he has not..." he said slowly while narrowing his eyes at you in suspicion.
"Okay, yeah. He's gonna do it." You said before entering your dark apartment and slamming the door.
You were right.
The next day after waking up to some knocking on the door, you came out wearing the same hoodie and everything. Iruka was about to knock on Naruto's door when he paused mid-knock, staring at something that definitely wasn't a bird.
You moved from his side to look at what he was staring at.
Oh.
Oh boy.
You couldn't keep the smile from your face after seeing the statues desecrated with colorful paint.
"Stay here." Iruka simply said before hoping away on buildings like a ninja.
You looked over the railings before an idea came over you.
"I should totes kill myself right now." You said before hoping over the railing enthusiastically.
As you expected, you landed on the pavement below, earning screams of shock and horror from the bystanders around you.
However...
You waited patiently for the pain to come. Patiently.
But nothing.
You tested your movements and sat up, confusing both you and the bystanders. You could feel the bones inside you shift, clearly shattered, and the pain was intense. But for whatever reason, it just didn't bring any reaction out of you.
A chip fell to the ground, and you looked over to see a chonky kid with swirls on his cheeks and another kid with his hair in a pony tail, both frozen in their place. Both of their eyes bulged out, with swirly's mouth slightly agape.
Your arm seemed to crack itself back in place, and torn pieces of your flesh started to stretch and grow new skin over the exposed muscle.
Your body looked as though it hadn't been thrown over the building and you smiled nervously at the two characters you knew were your classmates.
"Hi, I'm (Y/n), your new classmate."
The swirly cheeked kid's bag of chips slipped out of his hands and fell to the pavement, spilling the snack on the dirty ground.
"Um... sorry about that." You said and got up while dusting yourself.
The two boys glanced at each other, unsure of what to do and say. You, being the outgoing suicidal introvert you were, walked over to the two and picked up the bag of chips and offered it to swirly cheeks.
"Here, there's still some left."
Swirly slowly and cautiously grabbed the bag, the silence and awkwardness thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.
"What's ya'lls name?" You asked while releasing the bag.
"Er... Shikamaru." Shikamaru said while scratching the back of his head.
"And... that's Choji."
Choji grunted and continued eating as if nothing happened.
"Ah okay. Nice to meet ya'll. I'm (Y/n)."
"You just told us your name moments ago." He muttered under his breathe.
"Oh, I must be losing it! But anyways, you wanna walk to class together?"
"...I guess?" He shrugged and walked forward, still weirded out and shaken up after seeing someone attempting suicide.
The rest of the way, the three of you chatted with each other, with you mostly doing the talking.
"Man, I still can't believe that happened!"
"What? You jumping from a tall building?" Shikamaru replied with a cocked eyebrow.
"No, my arms immediately healed and shit, like, they regenerated or something!" You waved your once broken arm. You moved the sleeve back to look at the flesh of the arm, finding (light/dark) scars covering it.
"Yeesh, what a sight!" You said before covering the arm back up with your torn hoodie sleeve.
"What in the name of the Hokage happened!?"
You stood before Iruka with your raggedy hoodie, torn jeans, and scars riddling your body, making you look like you came out of a blender. You were about to be introduced to the class, and Iruka was busy dragging a tied up Naruto in. Obviously, when he saw you standing by his desk, he nearly had a heart attack, which leads to now.
"I jumped off the apartment building." You said.
"They're not kidding, Sensei." Shikamaru said, earning looks from the teacher and his classmates.
The teacher scanned you once more, checking your face and arms and asking if you were hurting anywhere.
"I'm gay." You said, accidentally mixing the words 'okay' and 'good'.
The kids started snickering, minus a few, and Iruka snapped at them to keep quiet.
"So Naruto, how did painting the statues go?" You said while turning to the blonde, who stared up at you in surprise before narrowing his eyes, believing you to be poking fun at him.
"No, seriously, did they catch you?"
"What kind of stupid question- of course I was! You're just making fun of me!" Naruto pouted.
"No, I'm not, but I am mad that you didn't invite me!"
"Invite you? I don't even know you."
"Yeah, well let's get to know each other. I'm (Y/n), and I'm gonna go on some adventures with you!"
"Like hell you are!"
"ENOUGH!"
Both of you snapped your heads towards Iruka, who in turn glared at the two of you.
"No one is doing anything except school work."
Naruto let out a "hmph!", pissing Iruka off further more.
"Fine! Because you missed it, Naruto, everyone will review the transformation jutsu!"
Everyone except you groaned and got up from their seats. Iruka had you move to the forming line, placing you in front of Naruto.
"But wait, Iruka-sensei, I don't know how to do this crap." You said while waving your hands.
"Eh? What do you- nevermind. It's okay, we'll just see how good you are, and if you can't do it, I won't grade you for it since you're new."
"But I-"
But he didn't let you finish.
Sakura did her thing and turned into Iruka before getting excited at the thought of Sasuke being impressed and asking him if he saw her, to which he ignored her.
To be honest? You hated Sasuke and Sakura. Or, at least you remember hating them as a kid.
Okay, so maybe you don't hate them now, but you do feel that familiar sense of frustration with these two.
"Ah... good. (Y/n), you're next."
You turned your body and head to look at Naruto with a cheeky grin.
"Hey Naruto, watch me fuck this up." You chuckled.
Naruto snorted in amusement and held his mouth at the unexpected sentence.
"(Y/n), Naruto, no talking. Now come on." Iruka huffed in annoyance.
You stepped forward and stopped before doing random hand gestures that weren't even close to what the other kids used before ending it with your (left/right) hand landing on the other hand's palm and the middle finger stuck up.
"Transform." You said plainly, thinking that this wouldn't work at all.
Iruka's eyebrow twitched at the sight of the middle finger, ready to tear you a new one before smoke suddenly appeared.
A figure stood before him wearing gold, black, and green. The man towered over him with bulging muscles, golden hair, a sharp jaw, and... just damn.
Everyone in the class stared at the hunk of a man flipping their sensei off in awe and disbelief with the girls checking him out and completely forgetting about their Sasuke.
The man noticed the difference in height and looked down at himself and gasped. He scanned his body, recognizing the attire and smiled.
"Ho Ho... you thought I would turn into you, Iruka-sensei..." the tall man pointed towards Iruka before pointing a thumb to himself.
"But it was I... DIO!!!!" You yelled enthusiastically.
You could hear the girls in the class gasp and exclaim something you didn't really understand. Naruto was a bit peeved, assuming that you were just one upping him. And you? Well, you were having a blast being Dio from another anime you loved to death. Unfortunately, you couldn't seem to hold this form for long, and you pooped back into your original, less attractive form.
You're still attractive, just not 'Dio' attractive.
"Well... done?" Iruka said before scribbling something down.
You shrugged and walked over to stand by Sakura and Sasuke, who both glanced at you with unreadable looks... or as unreadable as Sakura can get.
"Naruto, you're next."
Sakura let out a huff and shook her head.
"That Naruto... uh hey, you're name is (Y/n), right?" Sakura said with her arms behind her back and head cocked.
You didn't want to make enemies with the character you once hated and responded with a nod.
"That was an interesting transformation! Who was that anyways?"
"What? The guy I turned into?"
She nodded in response. Without really thinking about it, you explained who the character was and how he was a fictional character.
"W-Wait. So you're saying you transformed into someone that doesn't exist!?" A blonde girl exclaimed quietly.
"And he's a vampire?" Sakura blushed a bit, obviously having some fantasies over the blonde man.
You shifted uncomfortably and played with one of the holes in your hoodie.
"Can you turn into him again?" Another girl said, earning a few nods from some of the females that surrounded you now. By then, everyone was about finished with the lesson and the students were getting to know you one by one, sorta.
You were surrounded by most of the girls and missed Iruka yelling at Naruto, but got to be reminded of who was who. Before you got to meet Kiba, you were met with who you thought was a blind person. No, not Hinata, but a guy with dark glasses and a jacket that covered his face from the nose down.
"So, what's your name?"
"Shino." He said simply, not really looking at you.
"Ah... hate to bug ya, but do you have any poisonous bugs on ya?" You asked.
"...I don't know... why?"
"Gotta die somehow." You shrugged.
Before he could respond, The dog kid, who you definitely remembered to be Kiba, leaned over Shino and smiled with his sharp teeth bared.
"New kid's got an attitude! The name's Kiba! I'm part of the Inuzuka clan! What about you? What clan are you from?"
"The highway."
"The... highway?" Kiba cocked his head.
"Because that's where most accidents happen." You smirked.
Before they could respond, Iruka called everyone to get back to their seats. The rest of the day, you tried to befriend the fox kid all while trying to do your school work. And it was going just as good as your japanese.
Your japanese is awful.
At the end of the day, you made new acquaintances with people you didn't really care much about and the only one you did care about thought you were another one of the anti-Naruto fan club in his school.
Yay.
Oh well... you can always be Naruto's pal tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So... I kinda wanted to go a different route with Naruto. Instead of becoming instant friends, he's pretty wary of you.
I like to imagine that he may have some trust issues and somebody suddenly being nice to him makes him believe that they have a motive.
(Y/n) is way more attached to Naruto than the others due to him being their childhood favorite. I mean, seriously. All other characters can go fuck themselves in their eyes. It's why they're constantly bothering Naruto in this chap.
And yes, while (Y/n) won't push the other characters away from befriending them, they won't really care for them either (for now).
(Y/n) is attached to Naruto for a reason... you'll get some hints later into the story.
Also (Y/n) is gonna try to kill themselves constantly, so watch out for that...