[AN:
Hi readers, some very important notes before we start. I care a lot about this chapter, it's one of the few I already had in mind before the story started to grow significantly.
There will be few but meaningful actions, lots of dialogues needed to give a better understanding of Daphne's backstory and essential for the evolution of her relationship with Levi.
As already announced in some previous chapters, her past is pretty dark, so there'll be mentions of prostitution, manipulative behaviors and also the description of a panic attack. So If you aren't comfortable reading these things right now, don't. I hope you like it anyway.
Last thing, I don't know who made the fan-art I used for this chapter. If you do, let me know in the comments!
A couple of songs I recommend are: "The night we met" by Lord Huron; "Sign of the times" by Harry Styles; "In my veins" by Andrew Belle. Bye, see you next time readers!]
LEVI'S POV
When I entered the cafeteria, something felt odd. Out of place. I was later than usual and everyone was already there. But I knew someone was missing. Someone. Daphne. Where is she now?
"Looking for someone, Levi?" said Mike sarcastically.
"Mind your fucking business, Mike" I replied harshly.
He sighed and then added "If you're looking for that girl... she chowed down her food and ran off. I asked her where she was rushing off in such a hurry, she mumbled something about Hange and an experiment they had to do together or something-"
I didn't even wait for him to finish his sentence and I started walking out of the cafeteria. What the fuck is she doing? Is she trying to avoid me after what happened during the training? This girl...
The irritation was growing inside of me and I couldn't even stand the sound of my boots echoing in the deserted hallways, as I walked towards the courtyard. Is she really avoiding me?
Once there, in the middle of the lawn stood out two massive tents and a little light seemed to come from the biggest one. I'm sure I'll find them under there.
"Good evening" I said.
There she was, between Lauda and Hange. I sensed her uneasiness as I entered the tent. She knew it was me and yet she never turned or raised her head to even look at me. What the fuck is wrong with her now? She really was avoiding me.
"Oh Levi, I'm glad you joined us, but I don't recollect inviting you" said Hange greeting me with her usual and unnecessary amount of enthusiasm.
"You didn't. I wanted to see what kind of freakshow you are up to" I announced.
Why are you avoiding me? Look at me.
"Cadets" I added, trying to get her attention. Lauda raised her head and kindly replied to me. Daphne still stayed silent.
As I sat down on the only free pillow, next to Lauda, I finally heard a whisper "c-captain". It was her. She still didn't dare to look at me. Look at me. I turned a little in her direction, just to have a better view of her. Look at me.
"However, where were we, Daphne?" asked Hange. Daphne's gaze was still fixed onto the ground, a few inches from the titan. Still silent. She only raised her shoulders. Look at me.
"Oh well never mind" spoke again Hange "Well, since we'll stay here for a while... Have you ever seen a titan in person, Daphne? Or is this your first time?"
"J-just once" said Daphne.
"Oh my, really? Just once? When? Where? How tall was it?? Did you kill it??" continued Hange, almost drooling. Sometimes she gives me chills.
Hearing that question Daphne's eyes suddenly opened wide. She raised her head to give a better look to her interlocutor, who was excitingly waiting for an answer. Then, she finally looked at me. Our eyes locked in an intense gaze. We still both remembered pretty vividly that night. She was about to get herself killed. If it wasn't for me...
But she was still silent. Without looking away from her trembling eyes, I spoke on her behalf: "Just a few days ago. Out of the walls in front of the HQ. A 7m-class. And yes, she killed it, before passing out due to the shock".
"No. Way. Really? So, you're as skilled as they say!" added Hange.
"No, I'm not. The captain helped me with that thing. He told me where to cut and saved my life" she confessed "Just a few moments after trying to kill me..." she then added spitefully.
Tch, really? Are you fucking kidding me?
"Not before you tried to kill me. Then, I tried to kill you" I argued, maintaining my composure.
"Guys, chill..." Hange tried to get in the middle, raising her hands.
"I wouldn't have had to kill you if you hadn't gotten in my way" suddenly spat Daphne. Her tone completely changed. She was almost growling. She had turned her chest in my direction, placing her hands on the thighs. Her eyes were wide and her chest puffed out.
"On your way to kill me!" I shouted back, pointing at her violently "And Erwin too! And-" I was about to continue when her attention was caught by Lauda, who had started shaking convulsively. All this time her eyes were fixed on the titan, that had started to get agitated by our shouts. Lauda really lost it. How many hours has she been here?
My mouth spoke sooner than my brain. "Oi. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Lauda wasn't able to respond. "Oi, get a grip-"
"Are you nuts or what??" Yelled Daphne at me "Don't you see she's having a panic attack!! You fucking dickhead. Fucking moron" she continued mumbling furiously at me. She got closer to Lauda and whispered softly: "Lauda, listen to my voice, I'll bring you out of here. Stay with me, ok? Focus on my voice only, ok?". Therefore, she eyed Hange who helped her lifting Lauda and carrying her out of the tent. I followed them without saying a word. I didn't know what to do.
Lauda was still shaking violently, her eyes lost somewhere, her breath uncontrollable.
Daphne took one of Lauda's hands and massing it she whispered to her, quietly, like she was trying to not disturb her "Darling, listen to me, why don't we lay down. C'mon lay down with me. Calm down, calm down. I'm right here with you...". It looked like she knew what she was doing.
They laid down on the lawn, next to each other. She was still holding her hand, gently brushing the thumb on her palm "Ok, Lauda, breathe in with me, then I'll count to five and we'll breathe out together, ok? Are you with me?" Lauda almost faintly nodded.
"Ok. Breathe in...1, 2, 3, very good, 4,5, breathe out...Great, Lauda. Let's do it again. You're doing great. Breathe in..." As she counted again, she sat next to Lauda's face to brush her hair "and breathe out..." She blew soundly "You're doing great, darling... once more..."
They kept doing it for another couple of times until Lauda's breath was steadied.
I stayed still. Not able to do much. I had been watching the whole scene carefully and really felt like a douche.
"How are you feeling?" Daphne asked her softly.
"B-better, t-thank you so much... I don't know what got into me...I-I-"stuttered Lauda getting up.
"My bad. Lauda is not used to be this close and this long to titans. Well, nobody is, except for me. I'm so sorry Lauda, but..."
"Don't worry Hange, I've just got suddenly anxious. It's my fault..." added Lauda.
"However, you should go to your room now and try to catch some sleep. I suggest you drink something warm before, or a couple of glasses of water would be fine. If you get anxious again, be stronger than your temporary fear and focus on your breathing. Focus on yourself. Breath in and breath out. Ok?"
"Yes, thank you again, Daphne... I really appreciate what you just did... I owe you"
"Oh, don't even say it. I know what it feels like...it's not your fault, but you can work on it. Ok? Sleep tight" said Daphne, hugging her and waving her goodbye.
I was still staring at her and she felt my eyes on her. We stayed like that. Like we used to, eyeing each other fiercely, almost fighting in silence, for what seemed an eternity. Her hands on her hips, her eyes locked with mine, her nostrils moving nervously, like an animal.
Hange suddenly said "Sorry to interrupt your articulate conversation, but the baby just fell asleep, so we can call it a day and go all to sle-"
I didn't wait for her response and headed back inside. I need a cup of tea.
DAPHNE'S POV
I was livid with rage. If I could, I would have killed him on the spot. My eyes were still glued on his figure as he walked away.
"Oh, Daphne. Let him be..." said Hange patting on my shoulder "I know he may come off as a grumpy and cold man in front of people, but he's actually nice... in his own way..."
"Yeah, I know. I do know. But he should loosen up a bit sometimes and drop that icy attitude he always pulls off... He gets on my nerves"
"Maybe, you could help him... smoothing his edges. You know, you two are more similar than you believe... you should try to talk to him" suggested Hange.
"I don't think he would appreciate any intrusion, let alone mine" I declared.
"There's no harm in trying, right? You may end up discovering something fascinating..."
I sighed "I'll think about it... Anyway, thanks for asking me to join you. It was...interesting, for sure"
"Oh, don't mention it, it was my pleasure!" said Hange smiling "I thought you could have helped me and it turned out I was right! You handled Lauda very well, thank you very much"
I smiled at her and greeted her goodbye. Besides her insanity, Hange seems a nice person.
On my way to my room, Hange's words echoed in my mind "You two are more similar than you believe...". It reminded me of that night on the roof, when Levi told me something analogous "our stories are pretty similar actually..."
Why? Why do they think so? What do they know about me?
My noisy thoughts played on the beat of my heavy steps long the corridors. Are we similar?Lost in my mind, I didn't realize I'd reached the cafeteria where a lonely Levi was.
His face was aiming out of a large window above a burner, where a small pot was warming up.
I stopped and stared for a moment. I think I've never seen Levi like this before.
His arms were crossed over his chest and his back was flexed so that I could see his muscles through his jacket. His figure was slender and yet sometimes you could spot a well-built musculature.
Memories of his toned arms, sweaty and flexed over my head, fleshed in my mind. As I attempted to wash those images away, I heard a voice "See something you like?".
"Yeah, the pot. I was about to make one, too" I replied getting closer to him.
He turned around sensing me coming. His eyes looked tired. One could have said even sad. What was he thinking about? Did I bother him?
He was staring at me, still silent, so I decided to speak up again "I won't disturb you much, just the time to prepare-"
"You can use this water if you want to, I can make another one later..."
"No, it's fine, really"
"I insist" he said eyeing me over his shoulder as he looked again out of the window.
"Are you trying to apologize for what happened out there, captain?" I suggested.
"Absolutely not. I'm not sorry for any of my actions" he replied confidently.
"Well, sir, I must inform you that you actually should be sorry"
"Since when do you think you're allowed to give me orders?"
"I'm not giving you orders. I'm just saying you should have been a little more delicate with Lauda before"
"And do you think I care?" he said impassively.
"I know you care about us cadets" I suddenly tensed. Did I just say us cadets?Us?He tensed too.
"She was having a hard time, being all day in front of those creatures, doing who knows what under Hange's orders. She panicked..." I continued.
"I must inform you that there's no room for weakness here. This is not a place for the wusses" he said and then turned his gaze again out of the window.
"Is that so? Do you really believe what you've just said?"
He suddenly turned again to face me, his forehead frowned.
"You may be humanity's strongest, but we are humans. We have weaknesses. That's what makes a person stronger. A fighter. Learning how to control them, even win them, makes us better" I declared "Back in the underground, I was capable to kill ten men in one night without a single sign of regret or fear or whatever on my face and then go back home all alone and have the scariest panic attack. Or suddenly get extremely anxious at the marketplace just thinking that someone could have recognized Daphne the criminal... or the slut. I was evenly ashamed of my past and present life, not that I had other choices down there..." I sighed "My point is: try next time to be more indulgent with your subordinates... Try to loosen up a bit..."
Levi was silently following me all along. So, I looked at his cup with a little tea-bag inside and continued "For example, what is that?"
"Tea" He spat.
"Tea. That's no good at this hour of the day. Theine is a strong stimulant-"
"I don't recall asking you for advice"
I clenched my jaw. This man is so difficult.I sighed soundly "Why don't you try this..." I handed him a tiny bag that I was keeping inside my jacket.
"Do you mind explain what is this? Are you trying to drug me?"
I rolled my eyes. This man..."I would never. However, this is a blend of mine-"
"I knew it was a drug" he said annoyed.
"Oh c'mon, cut it out!" I screamed exasperated. His eyes widen. I coughed "T-this will help you sleep, give it a try..."
"Can I at least know what it contains?"
"Mainly camomile... the rest is a secret"
"Camomile..." repeated Levi, as if to look in his memory for that flower, tiny and helpless, seen by chance once in a field, maybe during one of his first missions.
"And where did you learn all of these sorceries you're doing lately?" he added.
"Miss Martha... Most of the girls in the brothel used to have problems sleeping, some of them even suffered from night terrors. Miss Martha taught me how to make it so I could help them out a little. At least at night... She taught me all thesesorceries. Unfortunately, she taught me everything I know"
"Is she a relative of yours?" he asked.
"No. She was my master's wife"
Levi seemed to be intrigued by that answer, so he investigated more: "Was she important to you?"
"I guess you could say that ..." I replied.
He tilted his head, like he wanted to know more. I gave it a try and opened up a little with him: "Martha was the one who took me and my sister Abigail from that sort of orphanage, well, more from the streets. We used to help her cooking or cleaning and once we both were barely teenagers her husband forced us to prostitute ourselves..." I paused.
I noticed he was following my story carefully, so I continued "I think I'll never know which side she is on. His accomplice or his greatest enemy. She took good care of us all, teaching us all about life, and at the same time she was merciless. Both manners and words. Life is a bitch, babygirl she used to tell me and so I am... However, she was the one who made me escape, so I owe her at least that one"
"Is that complicated to escape from there?" asked Levi.
"It depends. It can be even impossible. Not for me as you can see. But overall, complicated" I replied.
"Why so?"
"It's a long story..."
"Tell me this long story" he said.
I didn't make him repeat it again and I started to say: "My master is-... was a very powerful man, even if one wouldn't say from his appearance. He looks like trash. Really. Rumor has it some aristocrat from the surface protects him. On top of that, he has a lot of men around the whorehouse and all over the underground to prevent someone escapes"
"And you? What makes you so special?"
"Nothing really... I used to train with his men since I was sixteen. Martha allowed me to. She thought that would be useful to have someone able to fight among the girls..." I paused "Actually, I was freed because I killed some people for her.... and once finished the job, she told me If you leave now, don't ever come back or try to some funny business making your sisters escape, I'll haunt you down with every man I have. I then discovered that those people she made killed were some business of her and her husband would have never had to know about it. So I was better off dead..."
"You could think of something to make them run away and hide them somewhere..."
Yeah, that was the plan, bighead. "As I told you before, it's not that easy. They would have found us. They do have a lot of men. All over the underground. And that's not all... gaining a pass for the surface gets more expensive with the time. We could have hidden but all we wanted was to get out of there"
"I see... So your sisters are still there? You called them sisters, right?" he asked.
"Yeah... I've always called them sisters, but, as far as I know, only Abigail and I are blood-related..."
"What about her? You could at least save her" He probably said those words regardless of what that could have meant to me, but at that exact moment I felt my blood boiling.
"You know what? Why do you even care?! That's none of your business" I shouted furiously. I regretted opening up with him.
"It is. Now tell me" he declared.
I started walking in a circle, impatiently, and then I stopped in front of the window, pondering my answer "I-it's... a long story and my water is ready..."
"Again with this long story... We still have time to talk while you drink your drug, ehm sorry, your blend" he said, a bit sarcastically.
I crossed my arms and mumbled: "Whatever". Therefore, I attempted to get the water but he anticipated me, grabbed a cup and then said "Leave it to me, you talk".
I snorted. "It's complicated... One could say that Abigail and I are like chalk and cheese, in every aspect. She's always bubbly and smiley. She has the features of an angel. Her eyes have the same color as the honey and her hair's always shiny..." He handed me the cup "Careful it's hot, you better wait..." he said. I looked at him and slightly bowed to thank him.
"So? Go on" He said crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the kitchen counter. I noticed he was still holding in his hand the tiny bag I had handed him before.
"Yeah, ehm... Well, because of her angelic appearance and sweet manners, she soon became our master's favorite. He treated her like his own treasure and he feared that soon or later I would have taken her away from him, trying his best to tear us apart. He manipulated her until she was his personal puppy..."
I stopped there. My words were trapped in my throat... Even Levi seemed upset by that story. I swallowed that sudden sorrow and I kept going.
"Even Martha helped him control her. Abigail has always been so naïve... it was pretty easy to manipulate her. They told her stories about me and her..."
"Like?" he interrupted me, full of curiosity. Although it hurt me to talk about that, I was glad he was there to listen. That was the first time I'd ever told my story to someone. I was glad Levi was the first.
"Like our names..." I said annoyed. He tilted his head in confusion.
"Martha used to entertain us with stories of all kinds at night or during the housekeeping to keep us distracted. Abigail's favorite was the one about our name. Martha used to say that everyone's name has a meaning, a powerful meaning, that can even predict our future..."
"Bullshit. I believe that everyone is in charge of their future. I don't believe in destiny" affirmed Levi.
"Yeah, I agree with you... But Abi always hung from her lips"
"Well, what about your names?" he asked.
"Story goes that Abigail was a famous servant, born to serve and bring joy wherever she'd go. I don't remember well the whole fairytale. Long story short, she saved her husband from sure death by giving everything she had and was blessed for her sacrifice..."
"Oh, you don't say... So quick-witted. And what about you?" Why so curious Levi?
"Fun fact, Daphne was a magic creature loved by a powerful god, who wanted to posse her, maybe even rape her, who knows... But she didn't want to lose her freedom and he didn't quite like the idea. She started running away from him and during the chase she desperately asked mother earth to help her, to spare her. Therefore, she was transformed into a laurel tree while running. Her persecutor was devasted and because of his devotion to her he decided to honor her making that plant his favorite and gifting heroes and winners with a laurel wreath"
"Pretty intense. So, you are the one who runs away and she is the one who stays and serves. Makes totally sense. So that's what she believes..."
"Yep... So well-planned that I even assumed they gave us those names on purpose. I don't remember much about my life before the brothel, so that could make sense. Not that my name matters much to me..." I confessed.
"Fair enough...." he said.
"Moreover, about Abigail, when I told her about my pact with Martha, she told me us all or no one and told me to not come back until I've found a way to save us all, otherwise she would have been content with being with the master..."
"Maybe she is so afraid of that scum that she wouldn't risk escaping if she wasn't sure of the outcome..." he considered.
"I don't really know, probably you're right... That night we had a terrible fight. I constantly think about that day... I feel so guilty... Since then, I've watched her from a distance just to check if she was alright, sometimes send her stuff, but nothing more. Recently I've been having dreams about her..."
"Your blend is getting cold" he interrupted me.
"What?" I asked, caught off guard. He pointed the cup.
"Oh yeah, sorry..." I said and then I took a long sip.
"Anyway, you're on the surface now. One day you'll find a way to help her. Don't get too obsessed over being free or not. Maybe she feels free there, maybe your idea of freedom is different from hers. And once you'll face again the titans, you'll even reconsider what you believed freedom is" said Levi boldly.
I didn't know what to say. I looked at him trying to digest his words. Then he spoke again "In this world, you better find your own freedom. As you will see, being on the surface doesn't mean much. Be free in your own way"
"What about you? Do you feel free?"
"I still don't know..." he replied. Did I make him uncomfortable with that sudden question?
"However, thanks for your advice... I'll think about it" I said bowing my head "And thanks for listening to me... even though I don't understand why you care about it..."
"I just do" He said straightaway. I eyed him trying to make him say something more.Always so secretive, Levi.
"One day I'll tell you my story. I promise" he paused and looked intensely at me, getting away from the counter "Now go to sleep..." he said and started to walk away.
"Goodnight, Levi" I said.
He stopped for a moment and without looking at me he said "Goodnight, Daphne" and left.
LEVI'S POV
Levi. Goodnight, Levi. As if her calling me captain wasn't already confusing...
Once in my room, I placed the tiny bag that she gave me on my desk. I took a few steps back and then I looked at it again.
What am I doing? I thought,It's not a grenade. Sighing I took it again in my hand. I massaged it gently between my fingers and, almost as if I had to take some courage, I inhaled intensely, as much as I could.
What is this? This scent...And while I was thinking about it, I almost dozed off, still holding that bag in my hands. That night I slept like never before.
[ AN:
Martha's fairytales about their names are actually real. The Abigail's one comes from the Bible. Daphne's story is the myth of Apollo and Daphne, here's a link for that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollo_and_Daphne . Here's a detail from the amazing sculture by Bernini, in Galleria Borghese (Rome, Italy), called "Apollo e Dafne":
]