When Nico entered my life, she made a crack, which led me to open, and she shook my world like an earthquake. I can't deny that I didn't love each time she made me tripp or that she had the power to make me fall to my knees. I knew the uncertainty and the danger of it, and still, I stood in the middle of it all. I don't know if it's her fault or mine, yet it needs two plates to be able to make it quake. The weight is also for me to carry, and perhaps that is the aftershock that I have been feeling the past week.
Honestly, I miss her. The smile that always lit up my day, the way she could talk endlessly about absolutely nothing. How she made me feel wanted and cared for. Especially when she held me in her arms or when she kissed me. I want her back, but at the same time, I don't. She has texted me a few times, even tried to call me, but I have declined each time.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?" Lynda asked as she sat down next to me in the locker room. The silence is all that my teammates left behind as they went home for the day. I faced my friend, and she smiled knowingly at me. I haven't been able to open up about Nico and me, but I have a feeling that Lynda can tell that is the problem. She has been trying to make me talk, yet I haven't been found the words to my foolishness.
"She lied to me," I shook my head, and Lynda furrowed her eyebrows.
"Well, more like kept a secret away from me. Nico knew before she met me that she was going to England when school is over, and still, she pulled me into whatever we have," I sighed and rubbed my eye as I felt the lump in the back of my throat.
"I see," She nodded.
"That was very unfair of her to do to you, considering your issues," Lynda said, and I frowned at her.
"You know what I mean. It's a complicated situation, but you also have to see it must be painful for Nico as well. I'm not defending her for lying to you; that was wrong. However, as you said, she needs attachment compared to you. Imagine how she must be feeling leaving you like this," She raised one of her shoulders, and I stared into the empty air with the thought of Lynda's words.
"She made that choice, a choice I didn't get to have. If I had known, we might not be in this situation," I responded harshly.
"She brought this pain upon both of us. Nico knew we were a sinking ship for months and led me on, not even giving me a choice to end it before it was too late," I stood up and rubbed my forehead in frustration, and Lynda tilted her head vaguely.
"You weren't able to jump off the first time," She shrugged.
"What?" I asked, placing my hands on my hips.
"You knew the risks of being in this relationship, Wilder. You said it yourself, you shouldn't be with her, and still, you went for it,"
"Because my father thought I should go for it, and that includes you," I disagreed, which made her clench her jaw as she stood up in front of me.
"You wanted her, Wilder! Oh, you desired her so much to the point you were drowning in your own misery, and it was horrifying to watch you like that," She poked her finger on my shoulder.
"I wanted you to be happy and were when you finally got her. You might be the slowest person I have ever met, Wilder, so I will make the conclusion come to you a little faster this time: You really, really fell in love with this girl, and you can't deny it because it's written all over you," She shouted and took a deep breath.
"I know," I felt a tear slide down my cheek, and her eyes pooped open along with her mouth to my words.
"I fell in love with her, and where did it leave me?" I shrugged, yet I can't stop seeing Nico in my head every second of the day. I don't think I can bleed or purge her out of me, no matter how hard I try, because I don't want to. I want her on my mind, and I want to feel the love I have for her.
"You still have time with her, Wilder," Lynda said calmly, but I shook my head.
"I can't," I answered.
"Why not?" She tilted her head in interest.
"What if it hurts even more than it does now?" I swallowed, feeling nothing but hollowness in my chest. Nico said I stole her heart, then where is mine? I can't feel it anymore. I can't feel anything anymore.
"She is going to leave me anyways," The tears flowed down my cheeks as if they were in a hurry.
"Well, you can use the reminding time you have with her or not, but you might regret it if you don't," She said and sat back down on the bench.
"Yet if I do, I will start college with a heartache, and I can't do that," I responded, which she seemed to understand as she nodded lightly.
"It's not an easy decision to make, Wilder, and I can't tell you what to do and not. This is all on you," She told me, and I took a deep breath, then nodded. Nico is going to leave, so what is the point of spending the last few months I have with her when she is going to tear me apart again.
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, and I pulled it out. It's Nico, of course, wondering if I'm okay. She texts me every day, some days more than others. Always asking me how I am or that she is sorry and that she misses me. It makes it harder each time. Yet, I don't respond to her, and still, she keeps on trying.
"Nico?" Lynda asked, and I placed my phone back in my pocket.
"Yeah," I sighed, I want to respond to Nico, but I don't know how to.
"You should talk to her," Lynda said.
"I don't want to, not yet at least," I told my friend, who picked up her bag and stood up again.
"I can't tell you what to do, Wilder, but remember that she is hurting too," She laid her hand on my shoulder for a second before she smiled a little at me and left me all alone. The quietness that used to be my comfort has turned so loud, thoughts screaming at me from every direction, telling me what I should do or not do. Everything in me is pointing me up the road to Nico, yet one says I should stay away, and I don't know which one to chose.