"Morning, sunshine," Nico smiled as I opened my eyes, and I pushed myself further up upon her to hide my face in her neck. She is so soft and comfortable.
"How are you feeling?" She wondered, but I only shrugged, not wanting to feel the pain in my throat each time I talk.
"Well, your not as warm as you were last night, but you need a shower. I need a shower because you have been sleeping on me," Nico chuckled as she held me tightly in her arms and placed her lips on my temple.
But then my mind raced back to last night, to what I said, and my cheeks heated up. I can't believe I told her that I think I love her. Who does that? Well, like Nico says all the time, only you, Wilder. Only I would tell her such a thing. Why couldn't I say that I love her like a normal human being would do? But no, I had to use the words: I think.
"Wilder," She almost shouted, and I winced as it was loud in my ear.
"Were you lost again?" Nick chuckled, and I shrugged.
"Where were you?" She asked worriedly as she moved to the side to look at me, but I shook my head. It's too embarrassing to talk about it, yet I believe Nico deserves someone more open than I am. Do I wish I was different? Not constantly concerned that I might say or do something wrong, of course, I do.
"Wild, I don't like the look on your face," She took me out of my thoughts and placed her hand on my jaw as I can feel that it's clenched.
"What is going on in there?" She laid her finger on my forehead, and I bit my lip as I gazed down.
"Okay," She smiled lightly and rested her forehead on mine.
"Whatever is going on in that beautiful mind of yours, please don't doubt yourself. Because you are the most amazing person I have ever met, and as I told you last night, I absolutely love everything about you," Nico's hand is trailing on the skin on my cheek.
"You are my number ten," She said, and it made me smile, yet there was a trace of sadness across her face that made my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach.
I might have a clue on what is on her mind, yet I'm too scared to ask. I haven't found the strength to question her where she is going next year. I need to choose soon, but what was once such an easy choice has become excruciating.
Nico wasn't in my plans. She didn't exist, and I have always followed one line in my life, which was the future of becoming a soccer player. But then she came into my life and created a new line, the faultline. The one that wasn't supposed to be there, and she shook the world beneath my feet. Now, I don't know what to do anymore. I only wanted one thing, but now I think I want something else much more.
"Where are you going next year?" I asked, even though I could feel my heart hammer against my ribs. Her mouth slightly opened but closed it as she looked away from me. I clenched my jaw as I understood that her answer might hurt.
"Let's not talk about it," She tried to smile to avoid the conversation. I have noticed that whenever she doesn't want to talk about something, she trails off the topic as if it would be better. So perhaps averting the truth will work in the short term doesn't mean it's still there between the cracks.
"We have to, Nico. I still haven't made my choice, and I have a few offers," I said, clearing my throat as it feels like it's on fire. She took a deep unsteady breath, as her gorgeous eyes are gaze elsewhere.
"I don't want to talk about it," Nico responded, and I rubbed the bridge of my nose.
"Why not?" I asked, even though everything in me is screaming not to. Her struggle is freaking me out.
"Because it makes it real!" She cried, trembling as a tear flow down her cheek.
"I made my choice before I met you, Wilder, and I'm torn by it," Nico sniffed as she dried the tears from her face.
"You knew before you met me?" I asked, and she nodded, which made me clench my jaw as I felt my hands shake.
"You weren't supposed to happen," She said, and I understand what she means, yet the feeling of betrayal and hurt is carving the heart out of me.
"I took one look at you, Wilder, and I knew right away that I was in love with you. You stole all of me with those gray eyes, and I didn't even know you. I couldn't resist you, and I wanted you so badly, which I know was selfish of me," Nico kept on crying, which is tearing at me. The fury is boiling in every direction that she knew this whole time that she would hurt me.
"Where are you going?" I asked, but she shook her head.
"Nico!" I yelled in frustration, even though my body is telling me otherwise. She watched me with fright as she backed away from me. I have never raised my voice at her before, and I hate how it tasted.
"I'm going to England," She said quietly, tears raining down her cheeks like a storm. Trying with all my might not to show any emotion to what she said, I can't hide the anger, disappointment, and torture streaming through my body. I finally thought I had found someone who would never make me feel those things, and here I am, broken on a whole new level.
"Wilder," As she said my name, I got out of bed and pulled a shirt over my head to try to calm down my nerves, but I can't seem to understand why she would do this to me. Nico seated herself on the edge of the bed and brought onto her own shirt.
"This entire time, you lied to me. Yes, I knew there was a chance that we might be a part, but you were aware since the beginning and a whole different country, a continent to make it worse," I said out in frustration, and she shrank in her seat.
"You could have prevented this pain,"
"I didn't want to," She stood up from the bed and looked down at me.
"It was selfish, I know that, and it's been a burden. But I wanted to feel this; I wanted it to take over me,"
"What about me?" I raised my voice as I swallowed the pain she has brought me through.
"You knew you were going to leave me in the end, but you didn't give me that choice. I didn't get to choose to avoid this pain," A tear slid down my cheek as I'm trying to comprehend what she has done.
"I know, Wilder," She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she is crying.
"You brought me through the agony that I have tried to keep myself away from for so long, and you knew that. Yet you did it anyway," I said, and Nico took a step towards me, but I lifted my hands to stop her.
"I'm so sorry," She bit her inner cheeks as she gazed down at me with her beautiful eyes that I fell for.
"But we can still make it work," She said and scoffed at that.
"How? How will we have time for that, and when are we ever able to visit each other," I cried out in anger, feeling that my raised voice is tearing at my throat.
"Doesn't mean I would love you any less because of the distance, Wilder," She bit her lip.
"If you love me, you wouldn't have put me through this," I said too harshly, and her whole face went into torment as she closed her eyes with tears all over her—the words that came out of my mouth I regretted right away. I don't want to hurt her, but pain, the loss, and lies make it hard not to.
"You are right," She took the tears away from her face, clenching her jaw rapidly as she looked around and started to pick up her items. When she found it all, she stood in front of me. Her eyes, which usually watch me with care and such softness that it's to melt for, have been switched out with ache and remorse.
"I know, I can apologize a thousand times, and it would never be enough. I hurt you in the worst way possible," She took a deep breath.
"I don't want to leave, Wilder, because I know what I am leaving behind, and it kills every little piece of me that I have left. Which isn't much because you took it all," She smiled lightly at me.
"You stole my heart, Wilder, and every inch of it is yours. You can keep it or throw it all away if you want. But I know that little I have left of it would still love you because you are my number ten, and I need you more than I have ever needed anything," Nico placed her hand onto my cheek and leaned in to place her soft lips onto my forehead.
"You will always be my number ten, no matter what you do or say," She whispered, and I could feel her breath on my skin.
"I'll go so that you can have some time on your own," Nico took a step back from me, yet I didn't respond as she waited on me to say something. I don't have the words, what can I say?
She gave me a sad smile before exiting my bedroom. The loneliness she left me behind in felt like a thick, endless fog with not escape.