Emma's Journal Entry
January 7
Today's assignment: Write about something that scares you.
Surprise, it's me again! Back with another installment of Mr. Zhang's Weekly Journal Entries. And the answer to today's riveting question is:
Nothing. Nothing scares me anymore.
W O W
It's been a long time since I've said that, and even longer since I believed it. Before, too many thoughts kept me awake at night. Too many fears spiraling out of control in my head, causing a constant tremor in my chest, as if a thousand angry bees had built a hive in my heart.
But all that's changed. No longer am I worried about all those crazy what-ifs. Instead, I'm focused on the future and how amazing it's going to be.
Wait—did I say amazing?? What I mean is, it's going to be abso-fuckin-lutely fantastic! A future where I'm happy and loved. And most of all—FREE.
If you haven't noticed, my head's in a completely different place than when we last crossed paths! The storm clouds have parted and all I see now is the great big beautiful sunshine, warming my face and guiding my way. There is so much positive energy flowing through me lately, I feel like a tiny Buddha! LOL
It's crazy, right? Looking over my past journal entries, I don't feel anything like the girl who wrote them—and that's because I'm not. That girl was confused, depressed, and sometimes angry, hiding it all behind the person she pretended to be. So much has changed, and my life is completely turning around.
After my fight with Jordan, I feared my future would be over. But I think she's kept her mouth shut. Maybe all that talk about telling my parents was nothing but lies? It was a shitty thing for her to do, but I get it. If the situation were reversed, I'm sure I'd be pissed too. Maybe I'd even go as far as to devise my own plans for revenge. The question is: would I go through with it?
Hard to say. Because we never really know what we're capable of until we're backed into a corner. And let's face it, some corners you need to fight tooth and nail if you want to get out alive.
But I'm not an idiot. No matter what happens, I can't let my guard down. Not even a little. Just because Jordan hasn't said anything doesn't mean she won't. If I've learned anything this past year, it's that you can never truly trust anyone except yourself.
As much as I don't want to, I have to smooth things over with her. Not to the point where she thinks we stand a chance, just enough so she doesn't hate me so much. But that's easier said than done. Jordan hasn't even looked in my direction since that afternoon in the locker room. Not in the hallways, or at lunch. Not even at soccer. Getting her to forgive and forget is going to take a lot of work.
The other problem is—I'm not sure how much time I have.
You won't believe this, but I met someone. That's why Jordan's upset. And it's not just someone. That word makes it sound superficial, and how I feel about her is pretty damn significant. Truth is, the more I get to know her, the more I'm convinced we're meant to be together. I'd even go as far as to say I'm in love. I KNOW!!! Can you believe it? It's a different kind of love than what I have for Smith. I guess the easiest way to explain it is that I LOVE him but I'm not IN LOVE with him. Does that make any sense?
For a long time I thought I was, but I realize now that it's not the feeling I'm supposed to have for my significant other. Smith is genuinely wonderful and he's one of my very best friends. But there's no passion. No—spark. Nothing that makes my stomach dip or causes my heart to pound like it wants to break out of my chest.
Not many people would understand that, but Stef does. She gets me in a way no one else ever has. I've never met anyone like her in my life. And the best part is, she says the same thing about me. It's like we're kindred spirits!
Only she doesn't have the same problems I have. She's not forced to live her life in a smothering, narrow-minded, bubble of a town. Pressured by her family to be perfect in every way. She's free to live where she wants and to love who she wants, with nothing or no one to answer to but herself.
I want a life like that. One where I'm free of judgement. Where I don't have to fit into the mold others have created for me. A life where I can make my own decisions and live anyway I choose.
It sounds like heaven, doesn't it?
Stef says I can live that way too, and that everything I dream of can be mine. Ours. All I have to do is say the word and she'll make it happen.
And I believe her.
We can go wherever our hearts desire, and I can even continue my education if that's what I'd like—or not—it's completely up to me. We can live deep in the woods, where no one will ever find us. Or get lost in the biggest city of a country we can't pronounce. We can even live like nomads and sleep in a new place every night! Immerse ourselves in different cultures, learn new languages, create our own traditions. And we don't have to play by anyone's rules but our own.
Part of me thinks I should wait until after graduation, and the other part wants to do it NOW. Because why wait to be happy?
Stef says my parents are wrong for forcing their beliefs on me. For guilting me into playing soccer and making me think I have to be perfect. She says it's a form a child abuse and that they don't deserve to have me.
Maybe she's right? I don't know anyone else whose family acts as crazy as mine. She says I'm smart enough to take care of myself, and that she's ready to start our life together. She just wants to make sure I am too. And I am!
I think...
AHHH, WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED?!?!
Okay, so maybe I am scared. But can you blame me? The thought of leaving everything behind has me a little nervous, all the things I'll have to give up. The luxuries I take for granted. The house, my truck, the money. My friends. And yes, even my stupid family, who piss me off to no end sometimes. Still... They're all I've ever had.
Except now, I have Stef.
But how will we live? Will we have a roof over our heads, or food to eat? How will we survive?
I suppose it doesn't matter. I trust her, and as long as we have each other, that's all we'll ever need. Besides, she's been on her own for almost two years and is doing just fine. "Don't be such a worrywart!" she always tells me. "What's meant to be always has a way of working out. You'll see."
She makes it sound so tempting that I'm seriously considering it. Because why the hell not? I can't imagine anything more exciting and romantic than to travel the world with the girl I'm in love with. The one person I trust with all of my secrets. She knows me and I know her, and I can't wait until we're together. It gives me chills just thinking about it!
On the flip side, if I stay here in Menteuse, nothing will ever change. Sure, I'll go away to college one day, but I still won't be free—even if I'm hundreds of miles away from home. Arbor and I have planned to be roommates ever since we were kids, and though I love her like a sister, I'd still feel trapped. Not that I don't think she'd accept me for who I am. I mean, she'd be shocked at first, but I know she'd support me. Because she's the best. The problem is, my lifestyle would eventually get back to my parents. How could it not? And I really fucking hate how much I don't want to disappoint them.
It makes me sick keeping all of this from my best friend, it'd be nice to have someone besides Stef to talk things through with. But this is my life, right? I need to take charge and do what makes me happy and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks or wants. I am who I am and I'm proud of it. I don't owe anyone else a damn thing.
Fuck. I sure do know how to talk a good game. What I need to figure out now is: do I have the guts to play?