Amelia curled herself into a tight ball on the sofa in the General's quarters, burying herself in the blanket he draped over her ever so gently. She closed her eyes in tiredness and shame, turning into the cushions with a shiver.
"I'm so sorry..." she whispered, swallowing back tears which only made her throat sorer. He looked back at her from pouring her a drink over the other side of the room. "Ever since I came along it's been incident after incident. I'm sorry for showing you up again."
"You haven't..." he replied, screwing the cap back on the whiskey bottle. "If anyone says anything I'll have them demoted." He held the glass out to her over the back of the sofa with the smallest of smiles. "Here...Might make you feel better."
She was thankful as she took it with shaking fingers but nervous at the fact she didn't and never had drunk before. She just hoped she wouldn't offend him if she didn't like it.
"Thank you," she muttered with a nod which he returned, going to sit in the armchair across from her, taking a good swig from his own glass.
"It's been quite the eventful few days...I'm surprised no one has killed each other yet."
She nodded as she decided to try the drink, first sniffing it, unsure at quite how she felt about it before taking the tiniest of sips. It was strong, completely overpowering, tingling at her lips then her throat as she swallowed it down, making a face and coughing a little at the lingering burning.
"Wow...that is...strong."
He smiled over the top of his glass at her, completely fascinated and noticing a warmth in him that he could not attribute to the alcohol. She just made him feel alive in such a tender way.
She kept her glass close to her as she turned back into the sofa cushions. She wasn't one for conversation at that point, nor really doing anything. She allowed herself to just drift and think, take some time before trying to explain herself and he understood.
They were quiet, just getting lost in their own thoughts, him about those plans he had just discarded and how he intended to go about them while she was trying to think of ways to justify her actions to herself. Attacking her master, again, and showing up the General. How well this day was going...
That was until she felt a soft nudging at her hand holding the glass and so opened her eyes to a little orange ball of fur nuzzling it's face into her fingers, trying to get a feel for who she was, what exactly she was doing there in its owner's quarters. It caught her gaze and cocked its head with curious green eyes, pawing at her.
"Oh...Millicent, no. Get down..." Hux said, putting his glass down beside him, about to get up but stopped when Amelia smiled. "Sorry about her."
"No...She's fine...she's lovely." She stretched her hand out to stroke her but Millicent retreated, shrinking away and looking to her master who gave her a nod toward Amelia.
"She's fine...She can be in here. She won't hurt you."
She gently stroked her head and the cat nudged into her hand, curling into it as they spoke.
"They all know me now, don't they? All those troopers and officers, they know I'm weak. I'm not what they thought I was."
"It doesn't matter. That image was created by Ren. He was the one who ensured you never showed fear or sadness. It was for his own gain, in order to prove himself to the Supreme Leader seeing as his faith in him was dwindling. The fact you stood up against him is a feat of fearlessness in of itself to those bystanders. They'd never dare oppose someone with so much power but there you were."
"I've only made things worse. I want to repair all that happened with his attack and everything but I haven't. I can't. I wonder if I ever will."
"It was his own stubbornness that led to his defeat. If he had listened to you in this office this wouldn't have happened, but alas, his superiority complex is too great for him to admit he's wrong. I know all too well." he said as Millicent stalked over the sofa away from her to jump up onto him instead and demand attention. He complied, running his hand over her tail when she decided to bother him with it, waving it in his face. Amelia smiled a little at this, surprised yet admiring his gentility when he wasn't placed under the scrutiny of everyone he commanded. "I can speak for most when I say I don't understand what the Supreme Leader sees in him other than power and it takes more than that to be a good leader, believe me." The cat finally settled on his lap and he mindlessly stroked her head.
"The Supreme Leader wants me to take Ren's place..." she blurted out, hardly really thinking about it and he looked up. "He hasn't made a decision yet but he's considering it..."
"Oh...Really?"
She met his eyes and he noticed a weighing pain in them, a fear of sorts but she kept any imminent tears at bay. "Sorry...I don't think I was supposed to tell you that...Who cares, I already told my master when I promised not to. Back when he didn't reprimand me for having emotions." She took a second swig, finding herself staring to like the burning sensation at some level.
"Well, I certainly agree with Snoke that you're perfectly capable. I'd like to see you take Ren's place...It'd make my life a lot easier."
"But it's not me. I don't think I want that. He knows I don't want power, not on that scale anyway. This is what it does to me."
"I may not know much about this Force stuff, whether I really believe in it is another question, but perhaps his recent grievances with you could be attributed to his fear that you will succeed and he will not." He gestured with his glass toward her in a self-assured way, enforcing all his points as if every conversation he had was some kind of negotiation. "He may be harsher with you to both destroy your confidence - and as such Snoke's belief in you - and prove his own worth to him. That's all he truly cares about, not people or emotions. He only cares about one man's opinion."
"You think so?" she asked and he nodded sincerely, low yellow light dancing over his now vaguely unkempt hair.
"I do...but men like him who make no effort for those they are expected to care for and care about only one goal, they don't last long. They are always toppled..." he muttered, placing his empty glass down on the last word. "Somehow."
"I do still care for him though."
"Of course you do, he's your teacher. I could say the same about my father up until a point, he was still my father. Doesn't make it any less warranted, any less painful." He picked Millicent up in his arms, holding her to him almost as a distraction from any mention of the man who had and still did dictate his life. He tutted a little at her dragging her claws against his uniform then continued with a defeated sigh. "In fact, it's worse...but most importantly, you are not the only person who has ever felt like this." He looked at her deliberately, meeting her eyes that poked out from behind her curled knees. She smiled in agreement though he could only see it in her perfectly sparkling gaze. "You certainly won't be the last... Still people are people, can't change that."
"No...but as long as there are people like you to counter it I can get over it," she whispered, watching everything he did in fascination and adoration: his eyelashes fluttering when he looked down, long fingers delicately dragging through the cat's fur causing him to smile genuinely, like he was happy, content, like that cat was the only being in the whole galaxy that had never judged him and he could just be serene; relaxed around.
"It's rather odd, Amelia," he said, scooping Millicent up and standing, leaving her on the arm of the sofa as he got another drink. "You are an exception to me...Before, I thought you were just another Ren: unpredictable, untrained and hot-temptered and I can't stand that sort of disorder, as you know. That's why I was harsh with you. I wanted you to understand that you had to respect me...but you already did, always had and I only ruined that for myself by being as snide as I was. I was blinded by the belief that I was superior to you...But my respect for you grew and grew after your apology that you didn't need to give." He sat back down though Millicent had taken to doing a balancing act on the back of the sofa. "And despite how I am, how I have been with you, I hated to see you hurt. I wouldn't care if it was someone else, but I knew you didn't deserve it and I felt sorry for you."
"So you helped me."
"You got through to me and I thank you for that..." he muttered, swallowing suddenly at his sudden outpour of admissions, knowing it probably meant nothing to her, that he'd never have the courage to follow it up with anything more, with how he felt, how he really saw her. How much he truly adored her...
She smiled and his whole body lit up with love.
"You give me more purpose than just running this place." he continued. "Something to care for other than just Millicent. She barely needs me."
"I'm not sure that's true, she seems to love you very much. She's lucky to be here."
"She's a high ranking secret so don't tell anyone."
"What about Ren? Does he know."
"Yes, but she dislikes him as much as I do. I think the feeling's mutual between them. She can stay as long as she doesn't get out of here and wreck havoc. She's found her ways before though."
Amelia laughed quietly, holding her hand out to her when she found her way over. "Must be hard for her to be stuck in here all the time."
"Yes...One day I hope I can give her the chance to live outside but not for a long time yet."
"Where did you get her?" she asked, fussing over her when she curled up on her chest, kissing her head gently.
"On some far off planet that I was scouting a few years ago," he replied, watching the two of them interact so naturally together, glad that Millicent liked her. She was an excellent judge of character. "I found her as a little scraggly thing of a kitten, runt of her litter. I couldn't just leave her. I think...we're similar her and I...two outcasts, you know?"
She nodded and they stayed talking for some hours, long into the night, both admiring the other without making it too obvious, nor taking notice of the other's affections.
Amelia knew he was accustomed to this staying awake for hours on end but how he was managing to avoid his duties she had no idea. Perhaps he was done for the day although considering the chaotic nature of the base she doubted it, and so landed on the conclusion that making her feel better really was in his best interests. She started to love him even more for that.
"I should be going. It's late and I don't want to bother you any more than I already have." She went to stand but didn't want to disturb Millicent curled up on her chest. "Oh...um."
"Yes, of course...it's no problem, really," he replied, picking up the cat who nuzzled into him like a child being carried off to bed. "I'm just hoping you're feeling better."
"Much better. Thank you." She got up, brushing herself down of orange cat hair with a breathy laugh and he apologised as she turned to the culprit, scratching behind her ears, earning a content purr. "See you soon, Millicent. Good girl."
"I can walk you back...Just in case anyone gives you a hard time or...?"
"That would be great."
He left his cat on his bed and pulled on his coat, making his way down the halls alongside her. It was eerily quiet with only a few night shift troopers wandering around and officers yawning on the way back from the bridge, straightening up tiredly when they spotted the General. Thankfully he was in a better mood than usual.
He doubted anyone would try and question her on her actions out of fear, however, there was one man who might. He assumed he was being held in the med bay for the time being but he couldn't be too careful.
"This is me..." She stopped outside her door and turned to him a little bashfully. "Thank you, General, for all your help."
"Of course, Amelia."
He expected some kind of gesture of course, like a handshake or salute or at the most intimate a hug but not a kiss such as the one she shyly placed on his cheek, taking the lapels of his coat as she leant up. He completely forgot how to breathe, how to act. He didn't know what to do. It was only a tiny gesture and brief, though she lingered a little after by his neck, the warmth of her breath brushing his skin in the most agonisingly beautiful way.
It was not something he had ever experienced considering his distance from others and so found it endearing and wonderful yet the most confusing, heartbreaking thing he had ever known. He supposed that meant she considered them good acquaintances, friends maybe, which was nice of course, in its way, but as selfish as it was, it wasn't enough. He so longed for her, it was killing him.
It made him happy though to know there was someone other than that daft cat who needed him.
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Armitage." she whispered with as equally a heavy heart, wishing she had the initiative to take it any further but there was no reason to. She couldn't just kiss him, that would be crazy. Besides, he didn't like her...
He nodded then turned and left, passing the two Stormtroopers who had seen everything, the both of them completely baffled as she shut her door behind her, leaning against it heavily to catch her breath.
As much as she kind of wished she'd been able to take it a little further, maybe admit something of how she felt to him, she knew she never could. Not just because she didn't have the courage but because there was no way he liked her like that. Why would he? She was just a disruptive apprentice, Kylo Ren's disruptive apprentice who she did not need to be reminded he hated.
He could never love her in the same way, he could never even bring himself to see her like that at any level, it was impossible. He only felt sorry for her in all this helping her business. She was, to him, still just a trooper, there was nothing inherently special about her, not that he could see anyway. She could never be his type or anything, she was younger than him by a fair margin, at least ten years and he was the General! He was so high ranking and probably always surrounded by the best of the best, the most beautiful women in the galaxy, so why was she kidding herself thinking he could ever like or love an ex-Stormtrooper who was training under a man he detested; his worst enemy.
She felt a drop or two fall from her eye, unprompted it seemed and she wiped them away, shaking her head at her ridiculousness. "Get over yourself, Amelia. Just accept it. Besides, it'd never be allowed even if he did like you."
And that was true. Even if there was any kind of reciprocation on his behalf, it could never work. The General and Ren's apprentice: an impossible pairing thanks to the expectations of the Order and the judgement of their Supreme Leader.
She wasn't meant to love, she knew that. She knew it to be a weakness and before she had accepted that, thinking nothing of it, that there would never be a situation where she would need to disobey that command. But now it was different and it was unbearable. She wanted to love, she wanted to be loved but to ever believe that they could get away with it, that they wouldn't be caught, that there weren't a thousand things riding on them being focussed on the jobs they had was just naive.
She had to forget him and stop this stupid pining but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't fight her feelings, she couldn't not love him. Being in love was such a beautiful feeling but one that teared her apart every second they were apart.