In life most of the time we laugh because the overflowing happiness comes continuously. We tear because of the pain that keep on hunting us. And, we sob because of the terrifying moments in our life. As I reached legality there are people I met that became a part of me, I lost my love ones that broke my heart so bad.
Never thought when I already reached the age of twenty, I will lose the most important person in my life.
“Rye, sasama ka ba ngayon?” tanong ko sa kanya nang magkita kami sa isang coffee shop malapit sa subdivision. “We’re off to palawan later. It’s Mia’s birthday so..” I trailed off as I sipped my coffee.
“I’m sorry, love, but I can’t. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be there.”
I pursed my lips and nodded at him. I wanna make him go with me but I know he has something important to do today.
“I want you to enjoy, ‘kay? Enjoy there with your friends,” he said and gently touched my face. “Learn to be happy without me,” he added and forced a smile.
My brows automatically furrowed as he said those.
“As if they cant make me happy,” I answered sarcastically and rolled my eyes.
I heard him chuckled and pinched the edge of my nose. I immediately tapped his hand and glared him.
“Chill, looks like you’re going to bite me here right away.”
“You stupid what am I? a dog? Do you ever hear me barking, huh?”
“C’mon, love.. you aren’t look like a dog, it’s just like more than that..” he pushed his tongue inside his right cheek to prevent himself from laughing. “Sa galit mo sa akin ngayon mukha kang tigre na handang handa akong laspangin ngayon din.”
“Cute na tigre nga lang,” sabay kibit balikat ko.
“As always, love.”
“Ah, basta susunod ka sa akin do’n bukas, ha? Magagalit ako kapag hindi ka sumipot,” banta ko sa kanya pero niyakap niya lang ako.
“Kapag aawayin ka ng mga maaarteng ‘yon, sabihin mo sa akin, ha?”
“Huh? Bakit?”
“Tutulungan ko silang awayin ka,” aniya at tumawa. Napairap na naman ako sa hangin.
“Potacca talaga.”
He likes making me irritate through his humor. But, aside of that, he always made me laughed at everything. Kahit palagi niya akong inaasar at lantaran akong nilalait palagi pa rin nauuwi ang pagkairita ko sa tawa dahil binabawi niya rin agad.
“Shan?”
“Hmm?” I replied at kumawala sa kanyang yakap at tiningnan siya.
His eyes are set on me. Namumungay ang mga ito at hinihipotesimo na naman ako.
“I will do my best to come tomorrow..”
“Uh, huh.”
“Kung hindi ako makakapapunta, pasensya ka na ha? Pero susubukan ko talagang puntahan ka ro’n.”
“You should come because I have something to tell you,” I caressed his face.
“I will. Just don’t cry when I couldn’t make to come, okay?”
“I will understand, Rye.” tumango ako sa kanya.
“Take care of yourself always whenever I’m not on your side. If something happens there, wipe your tears for me, love.”
“Of course, I will with my hands!”
“I love you so much!” he said lovingly as he touched my face.
I love you too, love.. pero bukas ko sasabihin ‘yan sa’yo sa mismong pagbaba ng araw.
You told me many things. You reminds me to take care of myself. You taught me how to love..
(Play the song attached above)
“Tita!” masigla kong bungad sa tawag niya. I heard her sobbing over the line. Hindi siya nagsasalita at tanging hikbi niya lang ang naririnig ko.
Dumagundong sa kaba ang aking dibdib habang hinihintay siyang magsalita sa kabilang linya.
“T-tita, okay lang po ba kayo? A-ano po ang nangyari, tita?” utal kong tanong.
“S-shan.. si Patrick.. si P-patrick, S-shan..”
“Tita, a-ano po ang nangyari? S-sabihin niyo po..”
My tears started to fall as she spill out the bad news..
“Na a-aksidente siya, S-shan.. he’s on his way to you when the truck bumped him.. w-wala na si Patrick, Shan.. iniwan na niya tayo..”
Nanghina ng tuhod ko at naninikip ang aking dibdib sa sinabi ng mama niya.
“N-no.. no you’re lying po.. h-hindi totoo ‘yan! Sabi niya pupuntahan niya po ako rito, e.. b-buhay po siya, tita..please.. nakikiusap akong sabihin mong buhay po siya..”
Nagtataas baba ang balikat ko habang humahagulhol at nakikiusap sa mama niya. Hindi tio totoo! Buhay pa siya.. nangako siya sa akin na hindi niya ako iiwan, e.. tutuparin niya ang mga pangako niya sa akin! Minsan lang siya mangako at alam kong hindi niya ako bibiguin..
“S-shan, wala na talaga siya.. iniwan na tayo ng anak ko..”
Nanginginig ang mga kamay kong binitawan ang cellphone at niyakap ang sarili at hinayaang lunurin ako nang sakit at pighati.
Hindi ka pa mamamatay, Rye.. kasi hindi mo pa naririnig ang gustong gusto mong marinig mula sa akin. Hindi ko pa nasasabi sayong mahal na mahal kita..
Mula sa kinauupuan ko, tanaw ko ang paglubog ng araw. Dapat masaya ang moment na ito para sa ating dalawa ngunit bakit ang sakit sakit aking tinatanaw ang paglubog ng araw?
Kasabay ng paglubog ng araw ang siyang pag-iwan mo sa akin, Rye.. paano ko haharapin ang umaga kung sa pagsikat uli ng araw hindi na kita matatanaw pa?
“Cha, pakiusap naman.. s-sabihin niyong hindi ‘to totoo, oh! Ang s-sakit sakit..” ilang beses kong pinakiusapan ang mga kaibigan kong sabihin sa aking buhay pa siya ngunit wala akong narinig.
Wala, e.. mahal na mahal ko ‘yon.. sabay kaming nangarap na dalawa. Pero bakit niya ako iniwang mag isa? Sabi niya hindi na niya ako sasaktan pa pero bakit wala na siya?
Sawang sawa na akong maiwan ng mga taong minahal ko. Si Hilary, si kuya.. ngayon si Patrick na naman. Is this what life is? Ganito ba talaga iyon kasakit? Bakit?!
As I stared at his lifeless body lying inside the coffin, nagsisimula na namang mahulog ang mga luha ko. Ang sakit sakit kasi.. hindi ko kayang tanggapin, tangina naman!
“Love.. I wanna see you a-again.. please wake up.. gusto kitang hagkan ulit k-kaya gumising ka na..” I talk to him. Hindi ko nakita ni isang beses ang sarili kong pinapakiusapan siyang gumising kasi ayaw ko pa siyang pakawalan.
“Love.. tama na, oh.. ang hapdi hapdi rito, oh..” tinatampal ko ang dibdib ko kasi nanikip ito nang sobra sobra. “Gusto ko ulit makita ang mga ngiti mo, ang magaganda mong mga mata.. ang mga tawa mong nagpapatawa rin sa akin kasi ang panget ng tawa mo.. gusto kong malaman bakit, Rye? Bakit iniwan mo ‘ko..”
"Sabi mo 'di ba sabay tayong tatanda? Magkakaanak pa tayo ng maraming marami. E, b-bakit ka nandiyan ngayon nakahiga? Paano na ako, Rye? Pa..paano na tayo? Nangako ka sa'kin, e.. pinanghahawakan ko lahat 'yon.. g-gumising ka na diyan, hindi na ako mag eenarte pa uli.. hindi.. hindi na ako magsusungit.. k-kaya tama na.. gumising ka na."
It pains me seeing him sleeping peacefully yet I'm here.. waiting for him when to wake up.
All day I’m just here, sitting in front of his coffin nagbabakasaling magising siya ulit. Yakap yakap ko lang ang litrato niyang nakangiti.
Nakatulala lang ako at halos hindi na kumurap sa paghihintay sa kanyang bumalik.
“Ate?” Someone’s calling me from behind. Unti unti ko siyang nilingon at nakita ang hawak niyang envelope at box. “I found it in his room while I’m cleaning it,” maingat niyang sinabi sa akin at dahan dahang inabot ang envelope at box.
I walked slowly out of the room and found myself sitting in a sea side and reading his letter.
Shan,
When you read this letter of mine probably I’m already gone. I really don’t know why I’m writing this letter right now. Maybe because as what I’ve said, I couldn’t see my future? Most probably, yes. I made this letter to tell you that before I passed away, I really did live my life worth living for. Love, when someone in heaven ask me how’s my living journey, I would tell them it was the best. Shannon Leigh Presno, made it the best.
Nanginginig ang mga kamay kong hawak ang kanyang sulat. Tumingala ako para pigilan ang mga luhang kumawala dahil nanlalabo na ang mga mata ko. I bit my lower lip as I wiped my tears away and continue reading his letter.
How are you now? I hope you feel okay, I hope I’m not hurting you to death.. Shan, I’m sorry for leaving you.. I’m sorry for failing my promises. Everyday, I pray to God not to take me yet because I wanna be with you when you cry so you have me as your handkerchief, I’ll be your tissue when your tears unstoppable running through your face.
You’ve been through a lot, Shan. From your friends to your family. Alam kong hindi mo gustong dinadamayan ka kasi ayaw mong makadagdag pa sa mga problema ng mga taong nakapaligid sa’yo but I am hoping you let them so at least there is someone being your crying shoulder now that I’m gone. Natatakot akong maiwan ka, kasi sino na lang ang pupunas ng mga luha mo? Ayaw mo gawin sa’yo ng iba ‘yon, e. Ayaw mong pinag alala sila.. I wish if parallel life is true, you live your life away from pain. You had enough. It was too much for you..
Huwag mong kalimutang ngumiti. Kung nasasaktan ka ngayon, mas nasasaktan ako kasi ako ang nagpapahirap sa’yo.. you’re the strongest, bravest woman I’ve ever met kaya alam kong kakayanin mo ‘to, love. Kakayanin mo ‘di ba? Oo, kakayanin mo.
Those promises, I will still do it, love.. how I wish we could fulfill all of those together. Kahit hindi mo na nasabi uli ang mga salitang hinintay ko, ramdam ko ‘yon kaya ‘wag kang maalala at aasahan mong sa kabilang buhay ikaw pa rin ang mamahalin ko. Ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin kong maging asawa. In another life you would still my girl, I love you so much..
The laughter and the pain we shared as I’m still living, it was all worth it. I always pray for your safety and happiness, love. You made me live, you made me breathe. It pains me thinking you were my almost and being the almost is suck because it was never enough.. in another life, I’ll find you and we’ll continue our almost love story.
In a painful world, look for the brighter side, no matter how cruel the reality could be, there will always be a room where there is no tears in heaven.
Love,
Rye.
Naninikip ang dibdib kong hinagkan ang kanyang iniwang sulat sa akin. Hinayaan kong umiyak nang umiyak ang sarili at nang naging mahinahon na ako.
Ang lamig ng gabi ang siyang bumalot sa akin. Nararamdaman ko siya sa paligid.. andito siya..
"Bumalik ka na, Rye. Ayoko na nito.." humikbi kong bulong sa hangin.
It was like he heard me out at humampas pa ang malamig na hangin sa balat ko. Hinagkan ko ang sarili na parang yakap yakap ko pa siya hanggang sa mawala na ang lamig na bumabalot sa akin.
Binuksan ko ang kahon na naiwan niya. Lalo lang akong naiyak nang makita ang kwentas kong niregalo sa akin ni kuya nang debut ko. So all these years it was with him? Hinalukay ko ang loob ng kahon at nakita ko ang maliit na papel at mayroon itong sulat.
I waited for you to asked me about your necklace but then it didn’t came. Siguro nagtataka ka kung bakit nasa akin ‘to.. you left it to my car the night after you knew about our engagement. Aris’ birthday to be exact.
Now, it all yours. Keep it, for it is the hope.
I remember kuya told me, hanapin ko ang tamang tao dahil nasa kanya ito. Ngumiti ako nang maalala ko si kuya. I missed him so much..
“Shan, hindi ka pa kumakain,” it was Etyl who entered my room. She’s with maartes.
Kitang kita ko sa mga mata nila ang awa sa sitwasyon ko. I hate it.
“I’m okay. Go home you all.” pagtataboy ko sa kanilang lahat.
“Shan, please. Ilang Linggo ka nang hindi kumakain nang tama. Hindi ka nga rin daw lumalabas ng kwarto mo, e.”
Pangaral sa akin ni Joanna.
Hindi ko sila pinansin at nagtulog tulogan na lang.
“Shan, you need to stand up again. I know it was hard but we’ll help you.. narito pa kami, oh,” it was Dhalal’s soft voice.
Dahan dahan naman namuo ang mga luha ko hanggang sa tumulo ito.
I was about to shoo them again when I saw Patrick in my couch sitting and smiling at me widely. He's wearing his white long sleeve and white jeans. His hair is in braid again.
I quickly run to towards him and hugged him so tight. “thank you.. thank you for coming back, Rye.. I know you wouldn’t leave me.. i-isama mo na ako..” umiiyak kong sabi sa kanya.
“Shan, ano ba?! Pwede ba? Wala na nga si Patrick! He died weeks ago!” sigaw ni Etyl.
Pinukol ko siya nang masamang tingin. “No! He’s here! He came back. He didn’t die! It wasn’t him!”
Charelle started to walk towards me until I feel her arms wrapping my body. “Tama na, Shan.. tama na,” she’s sobbing too.
“No, it wasn’t him, cha.. no.. andito siya oh!” nang lingunin ko si Patrick sa couch wala na siya roon. “Rye? Rye, where are you? Y-you left me again, R-rye?”
I wander my eyes around but I failed to see him again.
“Shan, naman parang awa mo na pakawalan mo na si Patrick,” ani Etyl sa nahihirapang tono.
“Hindi mo kasi alam ang nararamdaman ko kaya ang dali dali sa’yong sabihan ‘yan..”
“I.. I’ve been there, Shan.. alam ko..”
“Iniwan ka lang, Tyl.. ako, nawalan ako.. namatayan ako..”
Her hands was fast to slapped me so hard. Nanatiling nakatagilid ang mukha ko at hindi agad nakabawi sa lakas ng sampal niya.
“Wala ako sa mismong posisyon mo, Oo. Shan, hindi ko alam ang pinagdadanan mo pero ramdam ko ang sakit na dinaramdam mo, Shan! But, fuck you! Never invalidate my struggles because you’ve been through worse than I am!”
Her voice thundered in my room and she turned her back on me as she went out of my room. Sinundan siya nila Dhalal, Gracelle at Claire, ang nanatili sa tabi ko si Charelle, Jeralyn at Joanna.
“Ahh! A-aray!” napahiyaw ako sa sakit ng tiyan ko at nang makita ko ang dugong dumadaloy sa hita ko nagsimula nang manlabo ang aking paningin.