I DIDN'T KNOW WHO MASON was using to get me casted in films, but it was working. Maybe not in the best way, but it was and I was starting to make a small earning to support the both of us.
Six a.m. in the morning, I reach set, and I have to bring my own clothes. That's how it worked, you're a starter and you have a small role, they make you bring your own clothes instead of lending you costumes. And then, well, it never really was a one answer thing to when you get to go back home. Sometimes you just simply don't at all, and you might as well find yourself awake on top of a table of some sort when some crew member's voice would shock you to consciousness in the morning.
Mason was also busier than ever, sometimes when I got back to his apartment, as late as it was, he wouldn't be there. I wonder what Bridget and Mr. Wang were putting him up to, but I knew it was partly because of me that he was overworking. I blamed myself for it, but most of the time I tried to not acknowledge it, that was for the best. Because if I did acknowledge it, I would have stopped everything we were just starting.
I was desperate. You'd think that I'd be desperate to have people like me again, to get my face back properly on the screen, but really, that was not what I thought about before going to sleep each night.
My number has been blocked by Klarise, and I begged Mason—he wanted me to start fresh, didn't want me crawling to Klarise like what I was already halfway doing—to find me her email, grudgingly he gave it to me.
I emailed her, congratulating her on her arranged marriage. But my heart was aching, I started crying again. I was able to pretend all is good on set since those people there were already giving me stinky eyes, but when I'm alone, or maybe at best with Mason, I bawled my eyes out. It felt miserable. The person you love rejecting you and marrying someone else. I was mad, both at her and the person she was going to marry. She left me without much of a warning when I thought we were going to make a life together somehow, she trapped me in this fantasy, or did I trap myself? I don't know, but the results were the same; she left me and moved on. I haven't.
Whenever I were to be free, I spent hours scrolling through her Weibo, both her posts of her with Ascending8, and even with my burning hatred, pictures of her and Cameron Li. I even rambled to Mason about it, my annoyance and hate towards the guy was as obvious as the day when I wasn't putting up an effort to hide it. I particularly loathed him during those periods of time.
Now, I know you're confused right now because you know how things turned out in the future, the to-come events. Cameron Li, yes, I know what you're thinking of right now. There's a lot to explain, a lot of truths to be revealed, and it's...(Pauses) hard. It's hard to finally tell the truth when you've been hiding it for most of your life, so give me some time.
Cameron Li.
You know the coming events from another point of view, so I'm going to tell you things in my point of view, it may or may not be the truths, but let me give you this: it is my truths.
I'm not going to jump ahead, so I'm going to explain the next few parts of things as the more past me. Therefore, note that I do not know Cameron Li yet, and please do forget the thing you hear most about me when anyone ever talks or thinks about me: "Cameron Li and Maeve Sun Lively's glamorous love story". Because, that is just about the falsest thing about my life the media has ever known.
For the next few months I would be casted in small roles on screen. Sure, it was earning me money, not a lot, but I wasn't becoming known. Even the hate people had for me were fading, they were just forgetting my existence as it was, moving on with their life without my name in their mind. There may be a few people who still knew and loved me, but it's the majority that matters in this fame circle. If the majority of people knew you, if the majority of people liked you, you may as well give yourself the righteous title to "famous".
It wasn't too soon when I also realized that Mason wasn't coming home either late or just not coming back at all because of work. It was also something else.
I caught him in the bathroom one early morning to what seemed like him talking to himself. But he wasn't, he was talking to someone.
I pressed my ear to the wooden door to get a better sound of what he was saying. "...not your fault. I don't blame you for what's happening, I can wait, you know that."
I can hear the muffled sound of a voice from the phone, unable to catch any of the words being said. But it was a deeper voice than both mine and Mason's.
Mason's voice came again; "You don't have to reassure me, I trust you."
This time I hear the words from the voice of the phone when I press even closer to the door. "...I never expected this to be serious, Mase, so that's why I didn't prepare to——"
"It's okay, we'll figure this out somehow." Mason's voice cuts the other person's voice off, and suddenly I can hear a slight chuckle from him. "I finally know what Maeve has been feeling, such a short period of time to make a hard to break bond with someone you barely know..."
The other person's voice comes again, I could hear a chuckle from his end of the phone, one that I can imagine filled with sunshine, a low sound yet also a sound to make you feel warmth. "It feels like I've known you since I was born."
There was a pause between the person and Mason, and I could hear Mason's breathing, so steady as always. Then finally; "Don't hurt her though, this isn't her fault."
And then the other person: "Does it bother you that I could like her too? That I am just as capable to kiss her as I am to you? That I've actually...liked her for a time before?"
Another pause. This pause, even without seeing it, I could feel the sharp cold edges of the quietness. But Mason finally answered. "A little, if you asked me to be honest. But I choose trust over suspicion."
Then on the other line there's a let out sigh. A happy one? A dreadful one? "I'll talk with her, I'm sure she doesn't want any of this as much as me."
"Okay then, tell me what she says. Just don't...don't hurt her alright?"
There's another pause from the other person. But then they say; "I can't understand why you'd care so much about her when you don't even know her. But I think I have an answer to that."
Even through the wooden doors I can feel a half break of silence and half break of a small laughter from Mason. "And what is that answer you have?"
"My answer for you is that you're the purest soul on this planet."
He laughs at this. "I am not."
"Whatever you say, well she's waiting for me outside now, gotta go."
"Alright, I've got to see how Maeve is doing after last night's shooting too. See you tonight?"
A pause, then: "Of course, see you tonight."
I had been too glued to his conversation, and before I knew it, Mason opened the door with one side of my head still leaning with full weight on it, and I tumbled forward, expecting the hard stone floor as my landing, Mason caught me by the arms just in time before I had my face crashed in.
I looked up and I couldn't tell if I was supposed to be more shocked or if he was.
We walked over to his room in silence, the whole way there he was fidgeting more than he ever did. I knew something was off. Sure, a secret lover, but why wouldn't he tell me about it? I was his best friend, and what was more suspicious was that he mentioned me to this mysterious someone like that person also knew me. That was what didn't sit right with me.
He says something right at the same time when I say, "Tell me who the hell was that."
He was sitting on his bed while I was standing, my arms crossed around my chest. He doesn't talk, but just looks down at the floor. Was he ashamed? Was he scared? I couldn't really tell, but I was hurt that he didn't tell me about who this person was when so clearly it sounded like a lover. I told him about Klarise, and it didn't feel right that he would hide something from me when I told him everything about myself.
I took a deep breath and tried to look more gentle. "Was that...was that a lover? Are you seeing someone?"
There's a long moment of silence before he answers. "Yes."
I paced a little, searching for the kinder words to put things. "Is she nice?"
At once he corrects me. "He. Yes, he's nice."
I apologized, suddenly ashamed of myself that I had misspoke before I could properly think. "I'm happy for you then."
He looks up at me, meeting my eyes, and there's a small crinkle along the lines of his eyes, the hint of a tiny smile. "Thank you."
I sat down on the bed next to him and took his hands in mine. "You know you can tell me about it, right? It doesn't only have to work one way with me laying all my burdens on you, you can lay yours on me. I will be here as you did for me, we will lay each others' burdens on each other, okay?"
His breath is ragged when he inhales, taking longer than needed. Then he closes his eyes, opens them again, closes them, and opens them, staring right back at me. "He's also been the one getting you roles," he says at last.
I only looked at him at first. I tried to process this information he fed me, my mind working through those few simple words that creates a very affecting meaning. There were cons to that, but I decided to look on the good sides.
"That's...that's great, Mason. So is he a producer? I think I should get to meet him, don't you think? I should thank him for——"
"He's not a producer."
"Oh." I could sense something wasn't right with him, why was he so scared to tell me? Didn't he know that I accept him as much as he accepts me?
"There's a movie." He started to say when none of us talked. "It's not very big, but when he gave it to me, the script, I think the plot might have some potential. He can get the female lead role for you."
I smile at this. "Really?! Mason, you don't know how much this will mean to me."
He wasn't smiling.
"Something is wrong, what is it? You know I am here and I won't——"
"He's Cameron Li."
I wasn't consciously aware of myself when I jumped out of that bed and had my fists squeezed tightly near my sides. I remember my teeth clattering together, I remember seeing the regret of telling me about this on Mason's face, I remember just feeling a simple hatred. But I don't remember, or don't really ever know, who or what I was so mad at. Was it Mason? Was it Cameron Li who I didn't even know? But I remember wanting to punch the air and scream for endless lifetimes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know how to tell you it."
"You sure did tell me it in the best way just now."
"I'm sorry."
"You should be." I was squinting at him, my head a whole tsunami. It was just: Klarise, Cameron, Klarise, Cameron, Klarise, Cameron, Wedding, Wedding, Wedding.
"So are you going to take the movie role?" He was looking at me with those shy, scared, little boy eyes I had first seen when we first met.
"No, I'm not going to take any more roles from that guy. Mason, how could you not have told me this? I've been getting my roles from the guy who is going to marry——" I stopped.
If Cameron Li was going to marry Klarise, then what is he doing with Mason?
Mason seems to see what's on my mind, because then he says; "Yes, it's not real. He doesn't love her."
I, suddenly calm in an odd way, sat back down on the bed with Mason. "So it's just for publicity? She doesn't love him?"
He was quiet when he said this, "It's more of a family arrangement. And...I don't know if she loves him. They've been friends ever since they were toddlers was what he told me."
I didn't want to think of the fact that she might actually like him, because if I did consider that, then I'll have to think about what she felt for me, I'd have to think about if she actually liked me the way I've been yearning for her, I didn't want to give myself over to those thoughts. "When you mentioned my name to him in your phone call, does he know about me and Klarise? Did she tell him? Or did you tell him?"
I could see the hurt in his eyes as he shrined back when I accused him, and I felt bad. But if I didn't ask I wouldn't get an answer, I had to look through all possibilities.
"No, she didn't tell him as far as I know. And no, I didn't tell him. I would never do that to you, Maeve."
I'm quiet for a long time, just sitting there and looking at the crack on the floor. "Is...is she alright? I know on screens she's alright, but is she happy with him right now? Is she doing good? Does he treat her right even though he's..." I glance at him when I say, "with you?"
He puts a hand over mine, eyes soft but also holding a small distance back. "She's not always with him, it's only when there's the need for photos being taken of them being together. I think..." he pauses. "I think she's doing alright."
I knew he only said that to comfort me, because he doesn't know at all. But I take it in as if it's real to make myself feel assured.
I took in a deep breath again. "Is this...are you and him serious?"
His hands slip away from mine. "I think."
"You think?"
"You can't always tell, can you?"
I closed my eyes to relax a little, but it was hard to relax. "It would be stupid of me to ask you why you didn't tell me, but still, it does hurt, Mason."
"I know, I wish I told you sooner and not because you were eavesdropping." A small smile starts tugging at his lips.
I let myself grin a little too. "I don't always do that, you know."
He waves me off, now a full smile on his face.
I reach for his hand this time, and he lets me hold it. "But Mason, do know that I want you to be happy."
"It was hard to tell you when you hate him to death and all you do in our free time is talk about how much you want to smash his face in, so you can't really blame me." He was partly teasing me by now, but I was still serious about what I was about to say.
"So what is this new movie?"
"Well, it's..."
He starts to talk about the script and the starter producers who are making it, and by the end of the conversation, instead of Mason doing his whatever "secret meeting" with Cameron that night, he was taking me to meet him.
I still didn't like the guy even though I knew what he and Klarise were having wasn't real, but you see, it's hard to just accept that. And especially when he's seeing your best friend, of course you'd have some kind of suspicion or hate. I mean, doesn't everyone want the best for those they love? I wanted Mason to have someone nice, after all if I couldn't give him this certain love I couldn't create myself, whoever that he was going to be with could give him that. And I don't know if I was going to meet him as a best friend of Mason's, or as a work business for the female lead in that movie deal, or if it was me wanting to see who Klarise was going to marry, there were too many reasons I was going for. I think maybe I went to meet him for all those reasons, but one thing was clear, I was going to meet Cameron Li for the first time, also the person who was going to play a major role in both my career and my supposed "love life".