As the end of the school year rolled around, Brittany and Santana spent as much time as they possibly could together. Senior Year was the best year they'd had, but it was tinged with sadness. While Santana had accepted the Louisville scholarship, and would be going there in the fall, Brittany had failed to graduate. She was having to re-sit her Senior Year, and for the first time in their relationship, they'd be forced apart by distance.
Lima was only a 4-hour drive from Louisville, so Santana had assured Brittany she'd come home often, but it wasn't going to be the same. They were so used to being around each other every single day, and as Santana's moving date loomed over them, they dreaded it. She'd be moving in the summer, to get to know the city and the state, before classes started.
Santana didn't really want to go; the place just didn't appeal to her. As she watched her friends go off to exciting places like New York and LA, she knew that was where her heart lay, and her mother had kindly given her the money to do it. But she couldn't. That was too far away from Brittany, and it didn't matter where her heart lay, Brittany was always going to be the one to hold it. Louisville was going to have to do.
Brittany felt so mad at herself for not graduating, for being the reason they had this distance between them.
"We would have had to do long-distance either way Brit" Santana smiled sadly "Even if you graduated and went to Purdue, it's still a two-and-a-half-hour drive away"
"But it's shorter than four" Brittany replied, her eyes watering. Being without Santana was going to kill her, she was sure of it.
Santana remained the strong one in the situation, but inside she was panicking too. After all, one of her main love languages was quality time. How was she going to feel rarely seeing Brittany?
When it was time for Santana to move, Brittany came with her, helping her settle in. But the goodbye was awful. Both girls cried so much, and when Brittany had left, Santana felt truly miserable. Brittany visited her again at the end of summer before term started, but the goodbyes only seemed to get harder. She missed Brittany desperately.
They could Skype, they could call each other, but it wasn't the same. Santana felt herself putting it off so many times, telling Brittany she was busy, when really, she was sitting in her room miserable and missing her. Even texting became difficult. It wasn't that she didn't want to speak to Brittany, quite the opposite. It was that it was just too hard. It was never enough and speaking to her made her yearn for Brittany's presence even more.
She came up with a solution. She promised herself she would only do laundry at home, that way she'd always have an excuse to come home and see Brittany every few weeks. On her first visit back home since term started for mid-term, she had text Brittany as soon as she was in Ohio to give her an arrival time, and sure enough when she pulled up outside her house, Brittany was waiting outside with flowers. She ran out of the car so fast and dived on Brittany.
"I missed you so much baby" Santana said, tears burning her eyes as she kissed Brittany desperately. Brittany was crying too.
"I missed you too. But you're here now"
Brittany took Santana's luggage in for her, as Santana greeted her parents, heading straight up to Santana's room to give them some privacy. Brittany had already spoken to them upon arrival to Santana's that morning. Santana didn't stay for long; she was itching to get upstairs to Brittany. She promised her parents that they'd catch up properly later and practically sprinted up the stairs.
When she got to her room, she slammed her door shut and dive tackled Brittany on to the bed. The kiss was hungry and desperate. She needed to touch and feel Brittany so much right now.
" . . .much" she said again, enunciating each word with a kiss on a different body part.
It wasn't long before clothes had come off and limbs had entwined. Santana had expected to catch up with Brittany first before having sex, but when she was there in front of her it had just happened. She just so desperately needed to touch her, having missed that so much. And in their shared love language, Brittany felt the same way.
They still couldn't bear to tear themselves apart afterwards. They cuddled, grasped and stroked every inch of each other, placing soft kisses as they exchanged loving words. They always cuddled after sex. Always. But this time felt different. It was like they physically couldn't let go.
Eventually Santana tore herself away.
"I want to get this laundry done and out of the way, so I can enjoy the rest of my time with you" she said softly, placing a chaste kiss on Brittany's lips.
And then silently, Brittany rose from the bed to help. Santana could have told her not to, but she knew it was a pointless argument. After all, this was how Brittany showed her love.
When the washing was clean, as they folded the clothes away and sorted them into piles, Brittany carefully listened as Santana ranted on about Kurt and the work he was doing for Vogue, making sure Santana folded the clothes properly instead of crumpling them up. She had to give it to Santana, she was learning.
Crumpled clothes were the least of her worries though. She was worried about Santana. She got the impression that she really wasn't enjoying Louisville. She knew that New York was her real dream, and that her mom had gave her the money to go. She also knew the reason Santana wasn't there, was because of their relationship, and she felt guilty for that. She just wanted Santana to do what made her happy, as much as she'd find the even longer distance harder.
"Well you know you could follow your dream too?" Brittany suggested lightly "your mom gave you that money and said you could go to New York too if you wanted" she looked at Santana with a raised brow, as Santana turned to look at her.
"I like being in college. My schedule's crazy but, I love being a cheerleader and..." she swallowed to get rid of the emotion in her voice, thinking about the distance between them "...I like the idea that I'm never more than a few hours away from you"
"Can't you do laundry at school?" Brittany asked, changing the subject completely. She too could feel her emotions rising, and she didn't want to have to deal with them.
Santana shook her head firmly
"My first week there, I heard a rumor that all the water in Louisville is just purified run off from the Kentucky Derby stables"
"Nasty!" Brittany replied, her face one of disgust.
"But, more importantly, I promised myself that I would only do laundry at home. That way, no matter how busy I got, I would be forced to come home every few weeks and then I'd get to see you" she smiled sweetly, Brittany returning the smile.
Santana leaned in, to kiss Brittany once more, she just needed to feel her so much more than she usually did. It almost felt like "kiss and touch her, while you can".
Santana was struggling, and this trip only made that more evident. She felt panicky and breathless at the thought of saying goodbye to Brittany again. On one occasion, she'd thought about it too hard, and before she knew it the bile was rising up in her throat and she was vomiting.
The one saving grace, was that Brittany seemed to be coping well. Or so she thought, until the next day when Brittany dragged her along to the "Left Behind Club". After the prank on Dotty where she had been fooled into thinking she had been left behind in the apocalypse, Santana watched as her girlfriend looked visibly distressed and jittery.
"Can we please go home? I don't think this club is good for you" Santana said firmly, but Brittany batted her off.
"I'm not leaving...being left behind sucks"
Santana shook her head
"It was just a stupid prank"
"You don't get it! You left me behind, and it hurt"
Santana's heart sank. She watched as Brittany turned her head to look at Dotty, who was hyperventilating in the corner, still jarred from the prank.
"That's exactly what it felt like" Brittany said, signalling towards Dotty.
Santana was crushed. That was when she knew. That was the moment she realised she was going to have to break up with Brittany.
The next day, Santana asked Brittany to meet her in the choir room and prepared for the worst moment of her life. She sat pensively, wondering how she was going to do this. When Brittany walked in, wearing that same Cheerio's uniform that Santana met her in, fell in love with her in, had torn off many times in passion, Santana felt her breath hitch in her throat.
Brittany offered Santana a warm smile. She thought that Santana looked extra beautiful today.
"You wanted to see me?" she walked towards her girlfriend, who's heart was beating out of her chest.
The only thing Santana had prepared was the song, nothing else. Everything was just going to be said from the heart, and as soon as Brittany approached her, the words came tumbling out.
"Sophomore year I used to sit in this back row and...secretly watch you. I counted the number of times you'd smile at me and...I'd die on days that you didn't"
Brittany's eyes watered at the deep and meaningful words
"I miss this place so much" Santana shrugged "It's...where we fell in love. Where I could say things with music...when words just weren't enough"
She watched as Brittany sat down opposite her, looking at her questioningly.
"And I need to tell you something, that I don't know how to say" she sighed.
The band walked in and played the acoustic version of Taylor Swift's 'Mine' that she had arranged with them earlier today. It was the perfect way for her to describe how she felt about Brittany and their relationship. Words were just too difficult for her today, and she knew the only way she'd be able to express herself and get through it, was by using music.
And just like Santana knew she would, Brittany cried. She always cried when she sang to her. And of course, knowing what she was about to do, Santana cried too.
"Wow" Brittany said, wiping the many tears that had fallen "sad songs make me really sad, and I don't want to be sad. I'm sorry for yelling at you..."
"No, you were right. I haven't been a good girlfriend to you. I meant to call you so many times, but I didn't- and not just because I was busy. I didn't call or Skype or even text you because...it wasn't enough" Santana sighed "What I really wanted to do was to hold your hand. Kiss you. Lay down with you, and fall asleep next to you. And then we'd wake up, we'd be like we were last spring. Before everything changed..."
She hesitated, making sure she was saying the right thing.
"I can't come home on the weekends and...pretend that things are the way they were because...they aren't. And I don't want to be like all of those other long-distance relationships that you know, hang in there for a few months, then...break up when someone eventually cheats or things get weird" Santana shrugged, tears clouding her eyes.
"I would never cheat on you" Brittany replied, eyes filled with emotion.
"I know" Santana whispered with a firm nod "I know, and I would never cheat on you either but...if we're being completely honest, I had...uh...I guess the best way to describe it would be...an energy exchange. I was cramming for this really boring Sociology class and...I looked up and this girl was staring at me. She smiled, a little too long, which means she was either crazy or a lesbian. And judging by the stack of Virginia Woolf's she was reading, she was into me, so I smiled back." She shrugged.
"I had an attraction" her voice cracked "And you...you may have had one. Or you might have one and...that happens"
Brittany was silent, and Santana moved to the seat in between them, needing to be closer to Brittany.
"Let's just do the mature thing here okay?" she started, and as she watched Brittany's eyes redden, adamantly shaking her head as she knew what was coming, she almost broke. She felt the need to assure her quickly.
"This is not an official break up. Let's just be honest that...long-distance relationships are...almost impossible to maintain. Because both people are rarely getting what they need. Especially at our age"
The words were so hard to say, but it was the truth. She didn't just want Brittany's physical presence. She needed it. She needed that time with her. Maybe if Quality Time wasn't her love language, she could power through, but it was. It was so important. She also didn't like the fact she was impacting Brittany's happiness so much, and seeing her so upset last night, had solidified her decision.
It was the hardest of break ups. A break-up where both parties were still so in love, and neither of them had done anything wrong, but they needed to end things.
Santana cast her mind back to the night she had thought about as she sang to Brittany. Their first big argument as a 'couple'.
It was the summer of 2011, and they had spent all summer long together. Artie was well and truly out the picture, Karovsky was over and done with and the two of them were happier than ever. But at Kurt's party, Santana was watched in envy as Artie approached her and tried to flirt. He just wasn't getting it into his head, that it was over between them. She couldn't blame him; she wouldn't like to be in his position and to have lost Brittany either but...that still didn't make it okay.
And of course, Brittany was her usual friendly self, and she could see by Artie's grin that he thought there was still potential. It stirred something up in Santana. Artie was always going to be a sore spot for her, and all she wanted was for Brittany to tell him to go away, to not speak to her, to get it into his head that things were done between them.
They hadn't put an official title on their relationship, so Santana figured that was probably the root cause of a lot of her anxiety. Technically, Brittany was still single, so what if she turned around and decided to give him another shot. She'd learn later on that in Brittany's eyes they were dating all along, but Santana being Santana needed that verbal proof. She stormed off to the alcohol cupboard and focused on getting hella drunk, she didn't want to watch Artie drooling over Brittany any longer.
She gave Brittany the cold shoulder all night, and it didn't go unnoticed. They stood in Santana's kitchen at 2:30am, having left the party. Santana's parents were out of town, so Brittany was staying at hers, and she was lucky they weren't here because they were about to have a screaming match.
"What is the matter with you tonight?" Brittany demanded impatiently, tired of the Latina's silent treatment.
"Oh, you actually realised something was wrong? I'm surprised, you seem to have been too caught up with Artie all night to even notice" Santana laughed.
Brittany sighed
"San we've talked about this. Artie is my friend. That's all he is, he's just a friend, but I'm not going to stop speaking to him just because I have a history with him. That wouldn't be fair"
"I'd love to believe that's all it is Brit, I really would. But I've seen the way he looks at you. Your intentions might be pure but, believe me, his aren't. I just know that he's doing everything in his power to win you back" Santana replied, eyes rolling to the high heavens. Thinking about Artie and Brittany really made her feel sick.
"I think you're being a little dramatic..." Brittany tried, raising her eyebrows slightly as she watched the girl she loved tie herself up in knots. How could Santana even think that she'd mess things up for Artie. She had waited so long for Santana to realise she loved her, and now she had her. She wasn't going to do anything to jeopardise that.
"Well forgive me for being worried but, you know, you did reject me for him before" Santana retorted, her tone harsh, face hardened. Thinking of that memory brought instant tears to her eyes, and she decided in that moment she didn't want Brittany seeing her upset. She felt out of control, like everything was slipping out of her hands.
"You know what, screw this!" and she ran out into the dark street, her sobs hard and loud. Her neighbours could probably hear everything, but right now in that moment she didn't care. She was so hurt; she could barely breathe. Thinking about Brittany choosing Artie over her again was just too painful. And now she was sure she was going to pick him. Now that she'd done this and showed her temper and her jealous side. She never meant to raise her voice at Brit, but she was just so scared. Every time she saw the two of them speaking, she felt like she was bracing herself for an inevitable goodbye.
She'd never had the highest expectations of a relationship anyway. Her parents were always arguing, and they always had since her childhood. It was naïve of her to think she could have such happiness with Brittany.
But then, she felt a hand grab hers. And she stiffened at first, pushing her away, refusing to look at her. Her tears frantic and fast. But then, Brittany took her by surprise. She gently turned her around, and grabbed her face, forcing her to look into her blue eyes. Santana didn't at first, because she was crying so much that her eyes were closed.
"Look at me" the blonde pleaded gently.
Santana caved, she did as she was asked, and she allowed herself to get lost in Brittany's baby blues. The same eyes that she had fallen in love with.
"I'll never leave you alone" Brittany promised. She knew exactly where Santana's head was at, and she knew what she wanted to hear.
And as Santana crashed against her, the sobs wracking her body stifled by Brittany's embrace, she knew Brittany wouldn't break that promise.
That was one of the worst parts of breaking up with Brittany. Brittany had stuck to that promise and now, Santana felt like she was the one leaving her. They rarely ever argued, but when they did, they always ended healthy. Their relationship would grow better for it, like the time they ended up figuring out each other's love languages and became better communicators.
But this one, was going to end the worst way possible. No turning back now. As Brittany wiped her tears, her lip trembled, and her chin shook.
"This sounds a lot like a breakup to me" she raised her hands helplessly
"You know this isn't working" Santana shook her head, the sight of Brittany's tear stained face and reddened eyes was tearing her up inside. She felt the need to touch her, to reassure her, to stop the pain. She grabbed Brittany's hand for conviction.
"You know I will always love you the most" she told her.
And she didn't blink once. She needed her eyes to convey exactly what she was feeling. That she was telling the truth. She loved Brittany so much, and their break-up wasn't to do with falling out of love or anything like that, it was the opposite. It was Brittany who broke the intense eye contact, as she closed her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. It was pointless. They still fell, and she ferociously wiped one off her cheek.
Santana couldn't stand it. She couldn't bear to see the love of her life in tears because of her. She subconsciously leaned forward, to give her a long, lingering kiss, before pulling her into a tight hug.
Brittany let out a shaky breath, as she rested her head on Santana's shoulder. And for the last time, she said the words that she always said back to Santana.
"I love you too"