I LOOKED AT THE TIME on my phone when the bus was to leave in fifteen minutes. Which I knew by now the other girls would have all finished packing, leaving the perfect opportunity for me to see Klarise in her dorm that she'll soon leave behind.
I had so much to say to her, so much to help her with. I had already prepared in my head all the advice I will be giving her to survive as a C-Pop star, everything that will help her.
Mason had our own personal stuff ready in his car, leaving for the hotel near the airport that goes back to Beijing. But I told him to leave without me since I was going to meet him back at the hotel later myself. I wanted as much time as I could get with Klarise. And for one thing sure, I wanted to ask her what we were now. Girlfriends? Lovers? Whatever it was, I knew we were going to be together. To touch her and knowing that she's mine, to hold her and tell her everything will be alright. To be there for her whenever she needs someone, to be that someone for her. I had long forgotten the reasons I first came with Mr. Wang to Beijing, the reasons I needed to leave that village. All I knew was that I wanted to be with her, and no one was going to stop me.
A few girls, none of them in the Ascending8, had tearful faces as I passed by. In their arms boxes of clothes they'll never wear onstage again. It did make me feel bad, but also a relief that Klarise wasn't one of them. She had a different fate, she was going to be the greatest.
I reached the number dorm Klarise had told me, the names on the card in front of the room door still had her name on it.
I felt so eager, my hands shook on the door knob. I was going to hug her, kiss her, the moment I saw her, and congratulate her in ways I couldn't in front of the camera. I was so...(long pause) ignorant that time. I thought anything was possible, that together, as long as me and her were with each other, the world would somehow open its arms to us and welcome us. That people would all love us still, adore us the way they already had, that we'd be together and everyone would say 'okay, yay!' And most of all, I had been so ignorant I wasn't able to see the true expression Klarise had displayed to me when she won her second place in the Ascending8 spot. And I haven't been able to recognize that the tears in her eyes when she cried as she had kissed me were not because she knew I liked her back or any of that, but because of fear. I was blinded and drunk on love.
The door opened and Klarise wasn't there.
I blinked several times, thinking that if I opened and closed my eyes enough, maybe I'd see she's here and that I just wasn't looking at the right spots, or that my vision was blurry. But the room was small, squished with now two empty bunkbeds. A piece of paper was on one of the beds.
I went over there, hands trembling, and held the note up a little too closely to my face.
Dearest M,
I haven't been in the clearest mind, so you gave me time to think as I had asked of you. I needed to think. To be alone to think it through. But...as I did, it just hit me that we'll never happen. And when I got that spot in one of the eight, I realized even more that this could not go on. This isn't right, and I came to this show to become famous, and I'm pretty sure you became a C-Pop star to become well-known as well, if we want that, this cannot go on. Whatever we are—were—it has never happened. We're both so young, what we did was out of nowhere. You'll become more known, and so will I, whether if you'll still be a C-Pop star or change into acting as I have seen the potential in you for it, we will go our own separate ways. Do not try to contact me after this, it is best to imagine that we never met.
~Stay well, Your never existed K
I crumpled the note and started to rip at it. Furious tears were aligning with my cheeks, and the feeling of hot blood swirling within my veins, drove me madder. I was screaming and yelling like I never had before. Girls from outside the halls stopped by, watching in amaze, but I didn't care.
I couldn't believe it. I couldn't. Just couldn't.
When my energy ran out, I had no anger left in me but just a carved out chest and heart. It felt like someone tore it out when I was too busy with something else. And now I couldn't live, could barely breathe, without that heart. I sobbed into my knees, feeling the eyes of a few passing girls shooting glances. There were no more cameras, but I for once wished that there were, filming my dread. So I can watch it and know that this was happening, that this was really happening. That Klarise Kong had really left me, and this was the result of what it had caused. A broken and shattered me.
When I got a better hold of myself, I got my phone out and called Mason.
"Come pick me up."
He didn't ask me what happened. I was so excited to go meet her one moment and now he had found me covered with tear marks. He was driving, my mind was still foggy and clinging onto hope, I asked him for Klarise's number.
It was an easy thing, he was my manager and he could go through the documents of the participants, where in Klarise's file, surely there would be her phone number. She isn't thinking clearly, I needed to talk to her, talk this out. When I have the determination on something, it's very unlikely for me to let go.
"Maeve," he looks from the road to me. Those doe brown eyes were filled with a look of concern. "Don't do anything stupid, promise me?"
I couldn't look at him so I looked at my phone instead, drawing out my contacts. "Get her number for me."
It wasn't soon when we got to the hotel and I closed myself away from Mason's room and locked the door to my own hotel room. But even that, I waited for his text like crazy, pacing around and around. Soon enough, the sound of a text message rang.
I added the number to my contact the moment it came, ignoring Mason's other texts that came with it. I had to talk to her, I could make this work. We would make this work, how could she just leave?
The phone dialed and I waited and waited. On the second try, she finally picked up.
"Who is this?"
In the background, I could hear the sound of the other girls yelling cheerfully at each other. They're probably already at their given mansion from the show company, unpacking.
My throat felt dry. "It's me."
She was silent, only the sounds of the background from her now official teammates came.
"Klarise, you need to listen. You're not thinking the right way——"
"It's never going to work, Maeve."
"It will. We'll make it work. I'll get a place, we can move in together or something, anything. We'll figure it out. Together."
"There is no together, there will be no us."
"You're lying. You feel something as I do too. We can make it work."
"You just don't get it."
"I do get it, you're the one who isn't getting it."
"Not everything is the way you want it. I have a life I want to live that won't be able to happen with you in it."
That felt like a thousand stabs, each of those words pulling my ribs apart. And inside, a dark liquid heart was shown, ready to burst.
"You know what? You're right. Because the life you're going to live, without me helping you, is a life where no one will ever know you and where you'll fail. People don't care about you, they barely know you. And what is a C-Pop star when you can't even dance? It's the show they came to watch, not you. Plus," I choked on my forced laugh. "You only came in second, people will forget about Ascending8 in a few years, you guys will be wiped out clean by others in no time. So yeah, you have a life you'll live where I won't be in, a life of failure."
Her silence made me automatically want to take back everything I said.
"Klarise, wait, I didn't mean any of what I——"
"Guan Na, who are you talking to? The party is about to start!"
I heard it, no matter how quiet it was, but there was her sob. That small tiny sound of a whimper, and then she hung up.
I threw my phone on the bed and started to scream. I pulled at my hair, stomped on the floor, I went off. Someone had set a bomb in me without my knowledge, and now I was exploding.
The next morning, I found myself on the carpet floor of my hotel room, where I must have fallen asleep. I reached for my phone and there were several missed calls from Mr. Wang, probably new plans he had for me. Probably already hurrying me to the airport, even though the flight is tomorrow. But I had another plan for myself that day.
I ran out of my room and went banging on Mason's door. When he opened it, still sleepy-eyed, I shoved my phone in his face.
"Drive me to this place."
It was the address of the mansion that I had asked earlier from Ron. And I was going to go to Klarise myself if I couldn't get her to listen on the phone.
Both me and Mason weren't dressed properly, he was in his pajamas and I was still in the clothes I was wearing yesterday, the ones I had fallen asleep in. My eyes were swollen from crying and it was even more obvious now, under the clear early morning daylight. My hair was a mess, some of that carpet dust even got on it. But none of it mattered. I just needed to get to Klarise, surely we could talk it out when we're facing each other. When she could actually see me. My face had gotten me out of my village, it had gotten me my C-Pop job so far, and it was going to get me Klarise back.
It was a long drive, the mansion was off more to the off-city side and when we arrived at the compound, it was in a labyrinth of other exactly look-alike mansions. When we finally got there, I was more than ready to get out. Mason had a face of worry as he resistantly let me out of his car.
I was mad, not thinking clearly, but I still had enough sense to not go banging on their door where other girls and the neighbors might see me. If this made the news, Mr. Wang would surely go insane.
I called her and she declined it. I did it again and again until she finally answered at last.
"What——"
"I'm here. I'm in front of your mansion you and your group now share."
I could feel the grudge in her as she didn't respond.
"We need to talk."
"Maeve, what do you think you're doing?"
"I'm doing what is clearly the thing to do. Come out here and we'll talk."
Silence.
"I'll knock on the door and wake everyone else up then."
This made her talk. "Okay okay, just don't wake them."
She hung up and I tapped my foot on their fake grass lawn. When she finally opened the door, revealing herself in a pair of white sweatpants and winter coat for the late November weather, I was washed with relief. She was here at last, and that made that anger in me slip away. The sight of her always calmed me, mesmerized me.
I walked over to her since she just stood there with an unreadable face staring at me.
I was just looking at her, tears once filling my eyes. I pulled her close to me, hugging her, and she let me hold onto her just for a little bit until she pulled away. I noticed her eyes were fixed on Mason's rented car.
"You brought someone——"
I could see the fear on her face at once. "I trust him."
She looks back to me, taking a step back. "I can't believe you."
"I can't believe you. I gave you time to think, and you just left that note for me? Listen, when I leave for Beijing tomorrow, I'll get Mr. Wang to get my group concerts and more jobs in Shanghai, so then we can meet up. We can pretend to be friends, no one will know. We can——"
"Maeve, I can't."
I stopped talking altogether. I just stared, waiting for an explanation.
"What do you mean you can't? You haven't even tried yet."
"You just don't understand any of this, do you?"
I blinked at her.
"I'm just starting my career now."
"I know that."
Klarise shakes her head. "No, I don't think you do. I can't be with you, we aren't anything. What we did was..." Her lips tightened. "Out of foolishness."
Foolishness. That was what she thought we were, foolishness? How could she?
"You can't just come here looking for me, Maeve. You can't just call me when you want to, none of this is just about you."
I think I was in tears again now, while her own face was clean as white snow. "I know it's not. It's us, why are you doing this?"
She doesn't say anything for a long time. "People will eventually find out, and I'm not about to have that happen to me."
"People won't."
"Yes, they will. And when they do, trust me, you'll be stripped of your job in seconds."
"You're being selfish right now."
She laughs. "Fine then, tell me do you want to stay on the screen? Do you want to become more well known? Do you want to be able to rise higher, maybe change to being an actress than being a low paid C-Pop star? Tell me, are you willing to let all of those things go and be with me?"
I didn't know what to say.
"Go back home, Maeve."
I stood there with tears streaming down hot cheeks. "No."
"Forget about me, move on." She continues like I didn't say anything. "Stop calling me. Go continue your career. Go continue your life as you did when you haven't known me. Because I will be doing the same."
"No."
"You're making me do this."
"I'm not making you do anything."
Klarise opened her mouth to say something when her phone started to ring. She looked back up at me. "Leave before it's too late."
I don't move.
And right then, the door behind her opens, revealing one of the girls that had also made it into Ascending8.
"Is that you, Instructor Maeve?"
I caught my last glimpse of Klarise, her black bangs and long hair, her thin lips, her small thin brown eyes, and if best, I tried to remember that lavender scent she had. I tried to remember everything, as I grudgingly made myself pull away and into Mason's car.
"Drive," I choked out, sobs breaking through my heaves of breaths.
It wasn't until we were on the highway, stuck on traffic, that I was crying harder than I ever had.
Mason took his hands off the steering wheel and placed them around me instead. I felt like I was drowning. And I was just starting to see this new reality setting in, or more like my old life being handed back to me, the life where I had never experienced what I felt with Klarise. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think and work anymore. That was just how awful it all felt.
I tilted my head to Mason, his warming eyes filling me in, the attempt at trying to drag me out of this misery that was consuming me.
"I think I loved her."
He looked at me and as much as I wanted him to make me feel anything else but this heart-aching pain, it didn't work. He hugged me tighter, and it seemed to me that the cars in the traffic would never move, and that I'd be forever trapped there, drowning in my own sorrow.