YOU NEVER STOP TO THINK when you're in the mood of excitement, in the right hungry feeling for adventure. You never think when you're feeling like that.
Me and Klarise were lost in no time, we had ran for about ten minutes in one direction. Now, cold and shivering, also empty stomached, the both of us not wearing enough clothes, we get a bit of our senses back and try to find the way back to the bus.
"You're crazy," she said, rubbing her bare arms back and forth to create some kind of warmth.
I laughed. "I guess I am."
I glanced at her, that straight and perfect ponytail the makeup crew had done for her was already coming loose. Other than the dance rooms, I don't think me and her had ever hung out together before. Well, never actually. We were never 'hanging out', more like I have been the teacher trying to get her to remember and get better at her dances.
We don't talk to each other as we make our way back to the concert spot. But when we got back to where the buses were supposed to be, the buses weren't there anymore.
"Crap," I heard her curse under her breath.
I looked around us, but there wasn't a single person in sight.
"I think this is kind of bad."
"You think?" She looked at me, and I couldn't tell if she was more paranoid or mad.
All the excitement I had been feeling had drained away, I was only cold and shivering, and hungry. I sat down on the sidewalk near where the buses once were, while Klarise paced back and forth with her phone in her hand.
"Shit, there's no signal."
I reached in my pocket for my phone to check, and good enough, there was no signal. It was about one a.m., and we're stranded nowhere near the city but near a big stadium stage. And not one person was there, the only choice for us was to stay in one spot and wait.
She finally gives in and sits down next to me on the sidewalk. Five minutes pass by and all you can hear is the brewing of the mid September wind and our shaky breaths from the chilly air.
"Well..." I start, trying to fill in this gap between me and her. "The concert was nice. You did good."
"I came in eleventh, Maeve. Not even into the top ten."
"Close though."
She lays down, her back on the sidewalk, looking up at the blank dark sky. "BeBe got first place, that's really no surprise though."
I laid down on the sidewalk with her. "You should've been the one at the top."
"Well, I'm not. But thank you for the compliment."
I turned my head to face her, while she still looks up at the boring night sky, not a single star in sight. "This show is all bullshit. This place isn't the right place to show your talent. I know you have that."
After about a minute, she finally turns her head and looks at me. "You know how I said I came to this show and came to be a C-Pop star because there was a calling?"
I nod, waiting for her to continue.
"Well, that's only partly true. I came here also because I wanted to be like you."
I start laughing, maybe harder than I've ever laughed, but then I realized she's being dead serious.
"I have been homeschooled most of my life. My parents made me play the cello and piano the moment I could talk, they said it looked good and made a beautiful background. But you know...I love music. Music itself is just so fascinating, and I like to sing. But they didn't like that, still, I pushed in whatever time I had to sing. When I first saw your performances and music videos, you held the screen and stage alone with your presence. I just wanted to be like you. Well, maybe not as a C-Pop star, but somewhat like you."
I was cold, but suddenly colder, not from the air but from her. No one has really...told me that before. When really, all they've ever cared about was my looks and the money I brought, never really about my talent. Or if I even had one.
"You know I can't sing. You've heard it, it's all autotune."
A small smile pulls at her face. "I never said anything about singing. Never said I wanted to be you because of your singing."
"I think that might be an insult."
She laughs. "It's not supposed to be but if you insist I guess it will."
I raised my eyebrows at her. "Aren't you scared that I can do something as your instructor that will get you eliminated? And aren't you like, sixteen? Respect your elders, ever heard that before?" I was smiling, maybe a little too much.
She sat up and I do the same so we're eye-level. "I know you won't eliminate me even if you can."
"You're so sure huh?"
She smiles. "Adding on, you're not even that much older than me. Which by the way, I'm seventeen now, my birthday passed by a few weeks ago. So basically we're now the same age, at least for a few more weeks before October 25th comes."
I raise my eyebrows even higher at her. "You know my birthday? What, do you like stalk me?"
She waves me off. "Don't flatter yourself, Maeve Sun Lively. I only remember your birthday because coincidentally it's also my brother's birthday."
My senses got the better of me, and I was about to tell her that October 25th wasn't my real birthday, that I didn't know my actual birthday, that I'm fake. That I'm not who everyone thinks I am. But luckily, she holds out her phone to me which stopped me. I couldn't be more thankful.
It was her lock screen, the picture of a boy that looked about five years old with big black eyes and chubby cheeks, his hair a deep jet black like Klarise's.
"Is that your brother?" She nods. "He looks so much younger than you."
She tucks her phone away but the image of the boy lingers in my mind. "Yeah, late birth I call it."
We're quiet for a moment until I remember her phone call in the bathroom when I found her.
"Who were you on the phone with in the bathroom?"
She doesn't look at me, and any glimpse of a smile had all vanished on her face at my question. "My mother. She was telling me to go back home and continue home school. Except, even now that I'm here, I've still made sure I'm catching up on my education. None of them understands."
I let the silence hang between us until I ask; "Do you want to go back?"
"I don't know."
I lean back on the sidewalk again. "School has never really been my thing. But I also still go."
"You do?"
I nod. "Yeah, got to have a good background you know? But I guess no one really cares at this point. All they care about is my face I feel like, isn't that right? I can't sing, I can't...I mean I can dance. But that was only because of someone else." I couldn't get myself to mention Bridget in front of her. I have finally made another okay friend, and I didn't want to ruin that. I didn't know why, but for some reason, I felt like if I mentioned Bridget to her she'd know everything of what I have once done.
"You're right, you can't sing."
I looked up at her, surprised she was so straightforward and blunt. "Wow, I thought you'd at least lie or something."
"If you want, I can."
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, not that it matters anyway. I guess the gene lottery gave me all this, gotta be appreciative, am I right?"
I expect her to agree or just leave the conversation as it is but she doesn't.
"You know why I came here partly because of you?" When I only stared at her and didn't answer, she continued. "You have a talent, but I don't think you realize what it is yet. And it's not like something that's really obvious that you can just see or hear. I don't think I even realized it until now that I've seen it for myself in person up close."
I laugh. "And what exactly is this talent you mention of?"
"You have this sort of glow and attitude that makes people want to watch you."
"You don't need to talk around words, just say it's this face and body." I move my hand in the air, gesturing at my face that still has a thin layer of makeup on.
She shakes her head. "No, I think even if you have a huge scar on your face someday, people will still come and watch you. You have this attitude, like I said, that makes people glue their eyes onto you. And plus, you're secretly a bitch and loathes everything on this show and you hate our rap instructor but throughout all that you act like you don't, which I guess is also a talent."
I looked at her sideways.
Klarise laughs. "You keep saying that I've come to the wrong place. That I'm wasting my time at C-Pop. But you know, I think the same goes out for you. The difference between us is that I realize that what I'm doing isn't for me but you don't. You're wasting your time and effort on something you're not enjoying, something you're not naturally meant for. C-Pop isn't for you either, Maeve Lively."
"Who said I don't enjoy my job? I love C-Pop, I——"
"Then what do you love about it?" Her brown eyes, which were small, turns suddenly too big.
I thought for a moment. I liked the recognition it gave me. I liked the exhilarating feeling that my name and face was everywhere in Beijing, that people knew who I am. Did I like to sing? No, not really, but you're not always blessed with the gift to like your job, right? And dancing? I guess I—I can't say I love it. But I was okay with it because these are the things that's bringing me fame. I'm on screen, what else am I supposed to ask for?
Klarise continues when I don't answer. "Have you ever thought about switching careers?"
I blinked at her, not ever have I thought about that. Or more like I haven't dared to imagine, Mr. Wang would never let me.
"It's too late."
"You're seventeen, almost eighteen. What's too late?"
"It's just..." How am I supposed to tell her? About Adele and Joseph and Mr. Wang? How can I leave Mr. Wang's company to go do something else? "Well, what will I even do if I'm not a C-Pop star?"
"Ever considered acting?"
The memory of the village TV flashes in my mind, me and the other kids squished together just to see the actors and actresses on that small blurry screen. Onscreen, I had wanted to be all over the screen. Not just in Beijing.
"I think you'd be great at it."
"What makes you say that?"
Klarise looks surprised. "Don't you even realize this yourself?"
"I don't have a clue of what you're trying to imply."
"I always noticed, but only when I look and observe hard enough, that you're putting up a smile and an acceptable face for the audience and the people around the show, when under it all, you have something else altogether. Something you don't show us, something I can't quite place..." Her eyes searched around me, and it suddenly made me a little too aware of myself. "If I knew you longer, I might tell you that you've been acting throughout most of this reality show, and even in those small interviews I've seen before."
"But you don't know me."
"I know the screen you. And now I know the real you, at least partly. But you're right, I guess I don't know you."
"Why are you telling me all this? We're not friends." But I want us to be, are we?
She doesn't seem too bothered by my words. "I don't like to see people making the wrong decisions. And it's often easier to spot mistakes on other people when it's not myself, so I wanted to let you know that you shouldn't stick to this. But don't let my words get to you if I'm wrong, especially if you really do enjoy what you're doing right now."
I stare at her a little too skeptically.
She puts her hand up, as if surrendering. "Sorry, I shouldn't have overshared my thoughts."
"Yes, you shouldn't have."
I couldn't stop thinking about it now though, what if she is right? Is this really what I want to spend the rest of my life doing?
"I have a question."
I rub my bare arms, my butt hurting from sitting so long on the cold cement. "Go ahead."
Klarise scoots closer to me. "Why did you pull us out here? Why me?"
I started rubbing my hands back and forth, I was fidgeting. I never fidgeted, even when I wanted to I never let the urge get a hold of me. And now it had.
"Because I wanted to get your mind off of tonight's show."
"Why?"
I looked down at the floor, at my bare legs. "I don't know, I felt bad I think." I didn't know what to tell her, so I quickly switched the question on her. "Why did you follow?"
And now it's her turn to think and fidget. Then she laughs. "You're one of the instructors, how will I ever dare to not follow."
"Well, you sure were brave enough to insult me."
"I told you, I didn't mean for it to be an insult. And plus, I don't think it got to you anyways."
"What if I told you it did? What if I was pretending?"
She looked at me, and suddenly, it was in a way like no one has ever looked at me before. It's this feeling of reassurance, but it also brought a wildness in me. I wasn't prepared for this, I didn't want this feeling, at least not really. When you can't name something and whatever is happening feels unpredictable, it feels like a threat, it brings fear. That's how I had felt when Klarise looked at me in that exact moment.
"Then I guess I'd never know unless you tell me."
"Klarise?"
I realized then that I've never really said her name out loud before, or at least not like this. Not like she's someone close to me. Not like when it feels like I've known her maybe all my life.
Her mouth opened, and I felt my heart pounding a little too hard against my chest. What was she going to say? It felt like anything in that moment was possible, and I was eager to hear what she would say, but at the same time I feared it.
Although whatever it was, it didn't manage to come out of her mouth when the sound of wheels passing gravel came scraping by. The headlights blinded us, our arms covering our eyes as we tried to hide ourselves from the over brightness. The car comes driving toward us, and when it parks close, I could see the familiar shadowy black hair and those warm eyes behind the driver's seat.
Mason gets out of the car and he runs his hand in his hair, looking more freaked out than ever. He brings his phone into his ear and I heard him say, his voice a raspy croak; "I found them."
Klarise got up and Mason was talking and talking. I didn't know what I was feeling, but it suddenly felt like something was happening, and I didn't know what it was. I didn't want it to happen or acknowledged it.
Klarise looks back at me, her hands already on the car door. "Are you coming?"
I think it was starting in those few moments that I was losing my sense of direction.