I'll be nearly an hour early for my shift this morning, but I could hardly sleep so it's not like I'm missing anything. With so many emotions and questions running through my head I spent the whole night writing, and with nothing to look forward to I know it's about to be another normal day full of Mr. Monroe's jokes and the local gossip from the ladies shopping at the cosmetics counter.
I'd skipped down the sidewalk last night, excited for a night out. This morning I find myself humming the tune performed last night.
Unless we want a party full of flowers on the wall, someone has to make the very first move.
It had been fun to sing at full volume without feeling the pressure of neighbors or passerbys like at home.
I know I hurt Donny's feelings last night, I hadn't intended too. If I could apologize I would, but I doubt he'll be coming around anymore after my behavior last night. I shake my head, he just came around to check on me, to give me a break from my convictions I remind myself.
Reaching the front door that's not yet open for the public I notice a man leaning against the wall. My shoulders slump when I see who it is.
"Hiya." He says stepping forward. My hand falls off the door handle.
"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised." I say, crossing my arms.
"I wanted to catch you before the store opened." He pushes away from the wall and takes two unsure steps towards me. His movements remind me of the first night we met.
"I have to get in, I'm already late." I lie.
"I've been waiting for two hours." It's a crazy statement but for some reason I believe him.
"Parents warn their kids about people like."
"Listen, I'm awfully sorry about last night-"
I don't want him to have to play his little charade anymore. "You did your good deed, you checked in on me, I'm fine. Time served." I hold my hands up in surrender, hoping he'll finally leave me alone. I'm in the business of making friends, just not fake ones.
He doesn't budge. "The guys really loved you. I want you to come sing backup with the band."
A delivery man pushes his way through the doors causing me to step out of the way, towards Donny. "I don't think that's a good idea." I don't have an excuse, I know I don't.
"Davy says he can get us a gig at Oliver's nightclub. That's a really classy place-"
"If you're looking for window dressing, that department is on the sixth floor." I say.
I've been sarcastic in front of him before, but he still raises his eyebrows in surprise, "Oh, a wisecracker! You might be watching too many pictures." He has no idea. I see a film every tuesday the Millhouse Theater, alone.
"Well, enough to know not to get myself in a no win situation." I counter.
"Like walking in there every day to wait on a bunch of rich old ladies?" He's not even ashamed of what he's said. I could ask him what he does for his day job, but that would only hurt him.
I shake my head. "I don't need to be rescued." I turn, intending fully to disappear into the store but he he says something that stops in me in my tracks.
"What if I do?" He asks. He's so full of sadness, it's like he's asking for help. I turn again. He holds his arms out wide indeed asking for help.
He sings quietly,
Starting is daunting, true. Trusting in something new. Fearful your luck will be reversed.
I can do nothing but look down over him. He pulls a paper from his breast pocket and holds it out to me. "Come to rehearsal tonight. If it doesn't work out, you'll never see my face again. But if it does, it'll be a heck of a lot more exciting than singing a solo in church."
"Alright." I start. Taking the slip I continue, "I'll try it... But there are a lot of things I want to know about Michael."
"First steps first..." He says sauntering off. It's not a done deal. Looking down at the paper I realize it's not all too far from work, maybe an extra two blocks. I suppose it's worth a shot.
Running inside I rush to the phone in the ladies locker room. Dialing home, Ma answers immediately.
Coiling the cord around my painted nails I'm brimming with anticipation. I know she'll reassure me and tell me the good that will come from the opportunity. "Ma... I have something exciting to tell you."
___________________
The boys were inviting when I first arrived, but it quickly devolved into arguments over voicing and evident rule breaking... or something like that. I can sing but instruments and reading music have never really come easy to me.
No I sit and wait for the reset so we can run through a number called "You Deserve It".
After Donny is done arguing over a change with Nick he turns to me. "It's good." He starts, "But watch out on proud and tall. You're making it minor, it should be major." He goes on, singing the line twice to show me the difference. I repeat it back to him with the change.
"Again!" He says, going back to the piano.
"Proud and tall!" I sing with confidence.
Donny nods, "With me."
"Proud and tall!" We sing together with the piano.
Donny cracks a smile as the song continues. Finishing the rest of it perfectly everyone breaks. Some get a pot of coffee, others grab the whiskey. I grab my book and a pencil and have a seat on the floor, back to the wall. They pay me no mind, which im thankful for. The last thing I want is for them to ask about my poetry. I could wait, but right now, seeing these veterans drinking and talking before me, I'm inspired.
Looking up over my pages I watch Donny discussing choreography with the boys. They all have drinks in their hands but they're smiling. They all made it home, but at what cost? Donny catches my eye so I close my journal quickly and move to join them all huddled around the piano.
____________________
It's only my second night with the band, but I found that the moment I took the stage I felt at home. Now as we go into our final song of the night, You Deserve It, I know I'm in it for the long haul.
Donny counts us off and I take a deep breath. I struggled with the harmonization at rehearsal, but with the music beginning, there's no turning back now.
Donny starts,
"Pick up the tempo. Jazz up the bear. Kick up the band, ticker tape in the street. Take the floor now. Don't be discreet. Soldier cut loose, and grab someone sweet."
Listening for my cue I turn out to the crowd,
"Because you deserve it!" Donny and I sing together.
I let myself get in rhythm with the music, letting myself go I play with the mic and sway back and forth as we go. Even when we get to the bridge, where I struggled so embarrassingly before, I'm able to absolutely kill it!
Draggin the mic downstage I set up next to Donny as we sing the last lines of the song,
"Cause when you got the call you stood up proud and tall! And you deserve it!" Donny gives me a proud smile, and I know I've hit the notes.
As the band finishes the last of the music our sound is replaced by roaring applause. With the lights dimmed a bit for Oliver, the owner, I can see that the entire lounge is packed with service men and their ladies. I beam as Oliver reaches out for the mic. Suddenly awake I move forward with the stand. He grabs my hand and lifts it up for a moment. "That was The Donny Nova Band, ladies and gentlemen! Now you remember that you heard them here at Oliver's before they hit the big time!" One last round of applause erupts as Donny reaches my side, he grabs my other hand and we take a bow. I turn my head back to the guys and nod for them to come forward. Together we take a bow, and then another. I'm sure we could have stayed up there all night if there wasn't another group on after us.
Finally we break away. Donny and I towards the bar, the boys packing up their instruments. With a firm hand, Donny guides me through the crowd of people who are already cheering for the next act.
"Crowd sure loved the two of y'all!" The bartender says as we swivel in our chairs.
Donny finally lets go of my hand. "Thank you!" He turns to me, "How 'bout two Manhattans?"
A swirl of nerves coils in my stomach but I realize I'm not around my father, I'm with Donny. I can trust him. I scrounge up a smile, "Oh, why not?" He holds up two fingers and the bartender turns to make the cocktail. "Hey!" I burst out. "I even remembered the bridge!"
"Well you did more than that! You knocked it out of the ballpark! It feels fantastic, doesn't it?"
Leaning in to hear anything else he might say I smile, "It sure does!"
"Donny!" We turn to find Oliver barreling towards us.
Donny sits up straighter, "Yes, sir!"
"Hey private, that was aces!" He barely sapres me a glance but there's a spark in his eye. "Can you do tomorrow night?"
Donny's smile grows bigger still. "I'd have to ask the guys. It'd be the same set..."
Oliver holds his hands up to stop him, "Well the same set's fine, as for the guys, let me know. Bob, those drinks are on the house! Have a good night, folks!" Bob nods and sets the matching drinks in front of us.
"Thank you, Oliver!" Donny's thanks is genuine, I can tell he's been waiting to hear something like that from someone for a long while.
"No Donny, thank you, haven't been this busy since V-J Day!" He smiles again and then finally nods in my direction before heading off back into the crowd.
"How about that?" I say turning to my drink.
Donny turns in time with me. "It was You Deserve It that did it. They like that one the best." I shrug, he's not wrong.
"It's got a real Duke Ellington flavor." I say in between sips. "But those surprise chords are a little Stan Kenton."
He looks a bit surprised by my reference. "How do you know about Stan Kenton?"
"Michael's record collection." I say, meaning nothing by it.
He faces forward now, staring into his drink. "I should have guessed. Say, speaking of Michael..."
Yes?" I ask a little too quickly, I can't forget the deal I made.
"You gotta admit that Donny Nova has a terrific ring to it. And so I was thinking..." My mood instantly sours. I know where he's headed.
My hand freezes on my stirrer. "I married Michael Trojan. My name is Julia Trojan."
"Naturally. Naturally. But, what if you used your maiden name? Julia Adams. It sounds made for the pictures." Suddenly I feel very tense, I want to explain to him why I can't go back to that name, why I feel like I can never do that.
"I'm not gonna change who I am." I say, trying to stay level headed.
"It might be a distraction to some people." He trails off.
"If it's a distraction, it's because they're twelve year old boys." I find the courage to look at him now. He hasn't yet. :I've learned to live with that." I'm staring him down now, willing him to look over at me.
"Wouldn't it be great if you could see Nova..."
"Please, don't push me Donny." He still doesn't turn to me. I gather up my purse and turn away, ready to leave.
I can feel him at my heels as I push my way towards the exit. "Julia! Julia, hey wait!" We get seperated but he catches up with me just as I get outside. He reaches out and latches onto my hand. The same hand that had just guided me through a rowdy crowd and ordered me a drink. I can't take my attention from our hands joined, even as he continues on with his nonsense. "Think of all the record sales! Our names..."
I've had enough.
"Stop!" I tear my hand away. "Please just stop."
He stops finally. "Don't get upset." He doesn't say it in a patronizing way, but it's not a completely kind tone either.
I shake my head, "I'm not getting upset!"
He still continues on, "Think of it up on the marquee! The Donny Nova featuring Julia Adams!" Now I can feel the anger starting to rise, the tears burning at the back of my eyes. He notices and abruptly stops talking.
"Michael's buried in some place called Manila! I'll never get to Manila!" I wipe the tears from my eyes. "I never got to say goodbye! A lot of things happened with no explanation and I wanna know!" I gasp for air and hold out my hands in surrender. "How his hands were folded in the casket, if his uniform was pressed, if his hair was combed right, a million things that keep me up at night." Donny stands looking down at the pavement, hands on his hips. There's no doubt I've stirred some terrible memories up for him. I don't want him to hurt but- "I don't need anything else erased. Certainly not his name."
"Trust me." He says looking up, biting his lip. "You don't ever want to see Manila."
I know he's suffering, but I'm suffering too. "I just want answers." Sensing we're on the brink of disaster, I shake away all the emotions and make my intentions known. "Look, it's The Donny Nova Band featuring Julia Trojan." I let it hang in the air a moment, "That's the deal. Take it or leave it."
"Deal." He swallows and looks up. I can see the hurt in his eyes. I reach out my hand and he takes it gently. I squeeze it gently.
"Let's go tell the guys we got another gig. And then you can walk me home, Donny Nova." I lead him by the hand back towards the lounge doors but the group is making their way out.
"We've been looking for ya!" Davy says smiling, but then he reads the room. "Woah, what the hell happened out here."
Hoping my eyes aren't still glistening with tears I try to smile. "Nothing... We have another gig here tomorrow."
"Yeah ol' Oliver just spoke to us." Wayne says. He looks around the group once before continuing. "Johnny, Jimmy, and I are headed home." He looks between Donny and I sensing the riff, "We'll see you guys tomorrow." The three, instrument cases in hand, depart from our group down the sidewalk in the opposite direction of my house.
"I should probably be getting home too." Nick is looking at his watch nervously.
"Me too." I say. "I live on 2nd and Union... Are you headed that way?"
He seems annoyed I've distracted him from his watch but he answers anyway, "I'm just two blocks that way." He points up the street.
Davy throws his arms around me and Nick, "Well great looks like we're all headed in the same direction." He hiccups and I realize his flask is hanging open in his front shirt pocket. He lets go of us, taking point. He takes another swig.
Nick follows immediately, leaving Donny and I for a moment.
Donny apologizes for his behavior under his breath but he can't bring himself to look at me. I can't tell if it's because he's ashamed or if he's annoyed with my ultimatum. Looking around the dark street I realize I'd rather be in his sour company than walking home alone.
I'm not trying to catch up with the men but I do within a street block. Davy is laughing, propped up between Nick and Donny, barely on his feet. "What happened?" I ask.
Nicks about to answer, but with another hiccup Davy speaks up, "I'm okay, I'm okay. This is me. Julia, as much as I know you'd like to, I can take myself to bed. Thank you very much!" His words slur, but he manages to get to his feet and then to the door of his apartment building without aid.
My heart aches for him.
"What if he's like this on game day?" Donny kicks a pebble at his feet, thinking. "Or he doesn't even show at all?"
Nick leans back against a light post. "I think you've got bigger problems." He says crossing his arms.
"Is that so?" Donny asks, crossing his own arms. I know the two haven't been buddy buddy just from rehearsals and their interactions off stage.
"You really think You Deserve It is a winner?" I turn to Donny, wanting to know what his opinion is. He wrote it, he's proud of it.
"It's a solid blues structure." He says evenly. "Good hook. Can't go wrong with that."
"What do you think Julia?" Nick asks, turning to me.
"I-"
Donny steps forward. "Yeah, no. Don't bring her into this." I have yet to see Donny Novinski really angry, but with each passing second I think I'm getting closer and closer to viewing it.
"I think Dwight Anson might have a better song." Nick shrugs his shoulders while Donny gets even angrier.
"How do you know what kind of song Dwight Anson's got?" His teeth are gritted now, his hands clenched.
Nick remains unemotional, "There's no rule against a side man playing with more than one band."
Donny steps closer, Nick doesn't flinch. "Yeah well I got that rule." He enunciates the I in a way that spells danger.
I see just a hint of discomfort on Nick's face, but it's gone quicker than it appeared. "Look. I want to play with you and the guys, but I need to win. Teaching barely covers my rent-"
Donny scoffs and steps off, "You'd do this to your brothers?"
Nick steps forward now pointing at Donny's chest, "Careful buddy. You don't get to judge."
Donny huffs and then lunges, stopping just in front of Nick, "I will knock your goddamn teeth out."
I feel my heart racing, "Donny-" I start stepping forward. This needs to stop before any unfixable damage is done. He hasn't heard me. He grabs Nick by the collar of his shirt and holds up a fist, locked and loaded to knock teeth.
"Let's see how you play for Dwight Anson now!" He hisses.
I rush forward now. Angling myself between Nick's face and Donny's face I reason with him, "Donny! Stop! Please!" There's a glazed look over his face, as if he's somewhere else. "Please, just walk me home." I see him come back from wherever he was, his eyes shift to my face, and he relaxes. He pushes Nick away and steps back.
Re-folding his collar and straightening his sleeves Nick says, "Show's in a week. I'll be on the bandstand with the best song." Fearing Donny might relapse I grab the hand at his side and don't let go. Nick avoids my eyes as he passes, turning down the street I watch his back disappear around a corner.
When he's gone Donny and I take a collective breath. I tug at his arm again, "Walk me home, Donny. Come on."
He seems to disappear again, but this time only for a moment. When he comes back he has a new fire in behind his eyes. Determination.
He doesn't say a word for several blocks.
"Michael would always say, 'You wait. When we make it big, we are taking the train straight to New York. 515 to Grand Central. First class, all the way.'" I can tell we're both thinking about him, and I'm sure he senses the same thing. "And when we win the state broadcast, I bet that's exactly how they're gonna send us. The Cleveland Limited." He nods his head as we round the corner to my street.
"I bet so." I say, distracted by my thoughts.
"Who the hell am I kidding?" He says loudly, shocking me out of my memories. "We're up against big bands. We're barely a combo. One of them's going a-wall. One of them's gonna fall off the bandstand." He stops and looks me dead in the eye. "Michael would have done it better. All of it."
I smile sweetly. "Maybe." I say and then it dawns on me. I pull out my notebook and start flipping. I know it's near the beginning, tear stained and read a million times.
"Julia?" He asks
"It's here somewhere..." My fingers rest on the worn page. "Listen." I glance up and then back down at the words, though I have it memorized. "When I was young I had no need for compass, or for guide. A starry chart of instinct was imprinted here inside. And unaware that days of doubt and voss would soon begin, one-'
Donny recognizes it just like I thought he would. "'One true course to follow was the one I found within.' Michael read that every day over there. Did he give that to you?"
"No silly. I sent it to him. It's me."
"I was wondering what you were doing over in the corner with that thing the other night..." He rubs the back of his neck with his hand. "You really wrote that?"
I close it gently. "They're just little poems, but writing them helps me get through it all."
"Let me see." he reaches out as if he'll snatch it from my hands. I hold it to my chest and turn away slightly.
"Absolutely not! They are private!"
He raises an eyebrow. "Is it a diary or poems?"
"Just poems-" I relent.
"Okay, then what's the big deal? I'll return it in the morning." I start to walk off, Novinski is in tow. "Come on, I'm, I'm a guy in need of inspiration."
"You'll make fun of them!" I say. Only two houses to go until my own.
"I won't." I give him a look. "Okay, maybe..." He motions with his hands. I continue to look at him with a look of doubt. "Okay fine I won't, at all. Trust me."
I hold my heart out and he takes it. "Okay. Don't stay up all night reading them." I've reached my stoop. "Get some sleep." I say. When he doesn't answer I turn to see what he's thinking.
"Gave up on that a long time ago." My heart drops again.
"You take good care of that." I say nodding to my book of secrets. "You're holding my heart in your hands there."
He cradles it close to his own heart, "In that case, I'll take extra good care of it." I can feel myself blushing. I'd meant it as a joke but he'd taken it seriously.
"Goodnight Donny."
"Goodnight Julia."
I watch him go on his way, notebook held tight to him.
I haven't felt for anyone in a long time. I still hurt over Michael everyday, but tonight I feel like there was a shift. Nothing serious, nothing romantic, but I can't deny that Donny Novinski has helped me take a step in a direction towards being made whole again.