I THINK NO ONE CAN ever forget the biggest pandemic to ever be recorded in history that started at the near end of 2019. It's something that's very hard to let slip out of your mind, especially when you once went through it yourself. Something surely I won't ever forget.
On May 8th, 2020, I was tested positive for COVID-19.
Just weeks before being tested positive, I was on a huge stage performing with the others, the crowds of people cheering and screaming our names. While Mason, who had already been my manager and assistant for about a year or two was in the backstage waiting for me. It was probably the worst choice to have a concert at that time, the virus in China had just started to clear a little and the rules were being slightly bended. But Mr. Wang insisted, and to be honest, we had all missed the stage and spotlight. It wasn't too soon, a few days after that concert, that I started to feel sick and I was showing symptoms.
It was such a terrifying experience. I was quarantined alone in this room, and there was no one and nothing. If I had thought I knew what loneliness was before that, then I was definitely wrong. Those two to three weeks that felt like years were the loneliest state I had ever been. I was sick. I felt like I was dying. Maybe I was. I just wanted someone, anyone.
No one came to visit me, not that they could or should. But I just wanted someone to come, anyone.
Those days, lying lifelessly on that bed, I dreamed about Bridget. I didn't know I missed her that much until I was just suddenly alone. No crowds, no fans, no paparazzis. Just no one and no contact at all. But I missed her, and I kept wondering what the meaning of it all meant, of what I had felt for her back those two to three years ago. Was it love? Was I capable of loving? That question, was I capable of loving? That, I kept wondering about that. It was so confusing, how I had felt for Bridget. What was the meaning of that? And my thoughts were being wrestled with my illness. I think things might have been different if I was raised maybe in the U.S., but the thing is I wasn't. And it confused me that I liked Bridget, she was a girl and I was a girl, and the logic was for a girl to like a boy and a boy to like a girl. What I had felt for Bridget, well, I didn't think it to be 'wrong' but more like confusing. The logic that you can love a girl wasn't really taught to me. Although those thoughts weren't really bothering me in those days of isolation. Nor did it really bother me before I got the virus. What bothered me was what I had done to get that captain spot, and that Bridget had cared for me but I hurted her, then her care for me all just disappeared because of my actions. And it was also those days in isolation that I realized what I had felt for Bridget a few years ago was long gone. And now I only wanted to be friends with her again. I wanted her to forgive me, but that was a selfish thought.
Isolation was the key point to everything when the coronavirus was going on. It was "Stay away, stay six feet apart, wear a mask" and I didn't take it seriously until the virus really just hit me. I was so sad, I thought I was dying, but the thought of dying without a real friend was what suddenly made me so down, so regretful. And not just that, but also in those days, I realized I haven't fully reached the top, that being a wide known C-Pop star throughout Beijing was not what I meant when I was going to be all over the screen. I had too many regrets to die.
When you're just alone, without anyone, it really gets you thinking. And it's like your thoughts are eating at you, maybe swallowing you whole. I thought about my fame, I thought about the village, I thought about my mother, I thought about Adele and Joseph, I thought about Bridget, I thought about Mr. Wang, I thought about Ya Kai Jun, I thought about possibly everything in those weeks. It was almost like my whole life flashing before my eyes, and so much I had wanted to do but couldn't do in that lonely period.
I guess the thing is, when you think you're dying, you just start to come to the realization of all the things you haven't done and not the things you have done. If not, then maybe something else. But that was how I had felt. There were too many things I needed to do before dying, and I kept praying to just give me another chance, another chance at all of this. When you feel like you're on the rim of death, you will do anything or say anything in order to keep yourself alive. I didn't believe in god or any of that, but those days I prayed, I said I'll do anything, I'll be nicer, kinder, just another chance, don't let me die.
On May 29th, 2020, I recovered and was able to go back home.
The first person I had wanted to see was Bridget. There was so much I wanted to say to her, sure, I didn't regret what I had done to get the captain spot, but I wanted to finally apologize to her. Properly.
I had been expecting fans or paparazzis crowding around me, I had been expecting maybe Mr. Wang. But none of them were there.
In that hospital hall, there was barely anyone. And out of everyone I had suspected to come see me, it was Mason Wen who was there. He looked like he hadn't slept for days, maybe weeks. In his arms he carried a bouquet of flowers, the pedals already falling.
"Welcome back, Maeve."
I was feeling so much that day. I felt like a bunch of chemical reactions going through my body. I felt so overwhelmed, and maybe I was even crying that day when I saw him.
I was so weak, so tired, but I started to run. I ran, maybe the fastest I had ever ran, into his arms. And I hugged him so tightly I thought I might have choked him. He almost fell from my sudden embrace but he didn't push me away. He hugged me back.
No one else really cared for me, at least I don't think so. Mason drove me back to my home, or Adele and Joseph's home. When we got there, still early in the morning, no one was in the apartment place. I found a note near the doorstep that they were booking a hotel somewhere for a few weeks while I'm back. I remember scoffing, because I knew why they were doing that. They were scared I still had the virus. But deeply, I was also hurt by that.
The place felt a little hollowed and too dark, even with the lights on. It was summer but I felt extremely cold.
Mason was about to leave when I stopped him.
"Can you stay here?"
He looked at me like he couldn't believe what I had said. Throughout the first year or two when he's been my assistant and manager, I was never really that close to him. We weren't friends, by any means. And maybe I might have also been a little harsh on him. But he never left my side, and that day when he waited for me in the hospital hall, I was extremely intrigued. Maybe he was the only one in the whole planet who at the time cared for me, really cared about me, my wellbeing. When throughout most of your life you've never had that kind of care from someone, when you suddenly get it, it feels strongly emotional and it's something you want to keep hold of.
"I don't want to be alone."
And that was it, he stayed.
I must have looked terrible throughout that week, but I think that might have also been the most peaceful week I've ever been through. I remember shutting my phone off, shutting all of my social media off. And Mason would make us breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We'd watch the TV and go through card games, he made sure I was okay. And I think I also, in my own way, made sure he was okay.
It wasn't until one morning when I woke up and expected Mason to be in the kitchen making breakfast that he wasn't there. I started to panic. I got my phone out, turned it on, ignored all my notifications, and texted him. Then I started to call him. But he wasn't answering, and I went through all kinds of scenarios of where he might have been in my head. I was so worried, I started pacing around the whole place. I called and called, each time he didn't answer, I freaked out more. I think I almost started to cry. He just wasn't anywhere, he was just gone.
The door of the apartment finally opens and I find Mason closing it, in his hands are a bunch of grocery bags.
I ran up to him, and I slapped him on the arm. "Where the hell were you!"
He looked shocked and confused. "Buying groceries, we were running out. Are you alright?"
I must have looked insane then. I think I started crying, something I hated to admit sometimes. Mason would always pull out this moment back into our conversations in the future to embarrass me.
"I thought something happened to you. I called you and texted you, you didn't answer. Is it that hard to answer a damn call?"
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed me. "I had it shut down, don't you remember? You were the one who told me to shut it off."
I felt a heat of embarrassment rise up my face, because I did. I forgot.
It wasn't until that moment, that day, that I realized just how important Mason had become to me. How he has become an essential part of my daily routine.
He started to make breakfast without a word, but I could hear him half laughing and half trying to hold it in.
"Oh stop it! There's nothing funny about any of this."
He turned around, smiling still, which is something he barely did in front of me back then. He always kept a straight face, always half closing himself off from me. But I liked his smile. With that smug grin and that apron he wore and spatula in hand, he looked ridiculous and it made me smile too, even though I was trying to stay mad.
We were eating and then suddenly the question just came to me.
"Am I your friend?"
He stopped chewing and looked at me.
I asked him again. "Am I your friend, Mason?"
He looked like he was choosing his words carefully. "Do you think I'm your friend?"
I took a bite of my scrambled eggs. "No, not before. I thought you were annoying and messy, but smart and a fast learner. I still think you are those things. And now I think you are my best friend."
That smug of a smile went up his face again. "I am?"
I nodded. "Yes, you're incredibly annoying, Mason."
"Well, in that case, I think you are too."
"I am not!"
"Yes you are. You're also probably the bossiest person I've ever met. I don't think your fans know that fact about you."
We were arguing around words, but the both of us were smiling. It's always nice to have a friend, a trusted friend. You'd think that you don't but really, the truth of nature can't hide itself.
Mason Wen and I became best friends, and he would continue to be the person I trust the most until the day I die.
ARE YOU REALLY MAKING me do this?"
"I'm sorry Maeve, but if you want to stay famous you'll have to take this job."
"I have barely recovered for a week, and now you're seriously asking me to take on this, what? Ridiculous five-month span show? Have you even checked on me after I came out of the hospital?"
Mr. Wang was silent for a long moment on the other side of the phone. "I've been taking care of the boys' group, and checking on the other girls. But you know you've always been my biggest treasure. You know I care about you, this show will benefit not just me but also you."
He was making me take on as a dance instructor in this reality show called Descending 99 which I had no interest in. I could dance, but I wasn't about to go under the camera and teach a bunch of other girls how to do it.
"Get Bridget to do it or something. You know she's always been better at teaching than me." And because she should get this, people should start to know her more than me. She deserved it.
"You know people would want you to do it. You've been holding the stage with your dances since 2018! People want to know the secret to it, they want to learn it from you. If you take this job, imagine how much money we'll be paid!"
I snorted. "Well if they knew that I sucked so much in the beginning and it was Bridget who had helped me, then they would ask her to take the job."
I could feel his sigh on the other end of the phone, it was such a deep and exaggerated exhale. He always made sure I heard his disappointment. "Then ask Mason, he is your manager. Ask him about what he has done."
"What are you talking about?"
"I asked him to sign you onto the job, he already did it."
"What?"
"Maeve, you're doing this job no matter what. You've recovered from the virus, you can move, you can dance, no need to stay home anymore."
I searched my eyes for Mason everywhere around the whole apartment, I couldn't find him. I was so mad I felt like the phone in my hand was going to light on fire.
"You fucking bastard, 王明哲 (Wang Ming Zhe)."
He laughed, as if in amusement. "Maeve, this is for your own good. What have I not done that hasn't benefited you? If not for me, you'd still be in that goddamn village, maybe you'd probably be starved to hunger by now. If not for me, you'd probably be——"
I hung up and threw my phone across the room. It landed on the sofa without breaking. Even with my anger filling me up, it wasn't the phone that I was really mad at. I went over to the sofa and picked my phone up and called Mason. He picked up.
"What the hell? Why didn't you tell me about the show? I don't wanna do it, cancel it."
He was silent for a moment. Until he said something, which I can tell was clearly not his own words but Mr. Wang's. "If you don't show up on the screen soon, people will start to forget Maeve Sun Lively. Someone else would replace you."
I didn't know what to say. He was right, despite the words not really being his.
"You're my best friend, best friends tell each other everything." I almost threw up as I said those words, it was so unlike me. It was such a childish thing to say. It was embarrassing that I was starting to care for someone, that Mason was in some ways also my weak spot.
"You're Maeve Sun Lively, you're cynical, calculating, beautiful, smart, know how to get what you want. You should be wise enough to know that I can't always be a friend while making choices for your career. You know this show will make you more famous, bring in more opportunities."
I huffed, annoyed that I even said what I had said. "Fine then, tell me the show date. When am I starting?"
The pandemic was still going on around the world, and I was going to go on a show full of people. It was the worst idea, and I didn't want to do it. But I also wanted to be at the top of the spotlight. And I had to get back to my job in order to do that.
We took a plane to Shanghai within a few days. Then we were driven out of the main parts of the city and more towards unknown areas. We checked in at the building where the trainees were going to train and dorm in for the next five months or so. Also where the other instructors were going to train them or give instructions and live in. Basically the place I'll be in for the next five months or so.
I insisted to have Mason join me throughout the show, while the other instructors didn't have their managers with them. I knew people were going to talk and whisper about me having some kind of thing going on with my assistant/manager, but I also wasn't about to do a five month show alone and deal with people's crap all by myself. I needed my friend there with me.
The cameramen and director were setting up while me and the other instructors were getting ready. In total including me, there were four of us. They were all older than me, and I had just started to realize how young I have been to achieve such fame, it pulled a small satisfaction in me.
There was well-known old singer 丁如龙 (Ding Ru Long) also known as Ron Ding, who actually has his songs sold all the way to Canada or America or something. He came to the show as a singing instructor and it was actually kind of fascinating seeing him in person. I've never really known him but he was well respected.
Then there was 马杰豪 (Ma Jie Hao) also known as Nathan Ma, who was this twenty something year old rapper. Don't really know him, and I didn't care then nor do I really care now. He was nosy and such a narcissist sometimes, never liked him much.
And lastly there was 郭月沙 (Guo Yue Sha) also known as Jenny Guo. Another well known singer which I had some respect for, she was about thirty something then. Her singing was great, and she even starred in some movies and reality shows.
When I arrived, they all stared at me in some kind of fascination. I was not in a good mood. When you've been sick for so long and finally recovered, the last thing you want to do is be in front of cameras and other famous people, to have them judge you. But I don't think they were really judging me, more like wondering if I still had the virus or something. News spread quick, by then everyone knew I had got the virus and recovered. Not something I really liked everyone knowing.
We sat down on a round table and were handed what seemed like thousands of paperwork and folders. The cameramen behind us were probably already recording.
Ron, the oldest and maybe also wisest of us all spoke first, opening one of the folders. "There's ninety-nine folders in total. Each paper inside each folder is information about each girl. Have everyone already read the background information for how this show is going to go?"
Everyone nodded and I nod along, even though I haven't even taken more than two glances at the packet information about the show.
I've always been great at pretending, but I wasn't in the best mood. I felt irritated and tired, I wanted to go back home and be with Mason. Talk to my friend. I wanted Bridget to talk to me, I wanted to talk to her. I wanted her to forgive me. I was in no mood to be here on this five month long reality show, half of my payment will be going to Joseph and Adele anyways.
We talked and discussed—me chiming in on certain points to make it look like I care about this show—for about two hours, the cameramen and director working, when finally we ended the discussion.
"So are the girls coming tomorrow?" Nathan asks me, as if I'd know.
Ron answers him instead. "Yes, we'll be grading them and seeing their group or individual performances." He handed each of us a large amount of the folders and paperworks. "It's best to go through some of these and understand what kind of girls we'll be getting. In there are their age, height, weight, past history, school, relationships with anyone famous, which companies they come from, all of that. Go through them tonight."
We nod and the director and cameramen starts packing up.
I'm about to slip out when Nathan stops me.
"Hey, I've seen your music videos. They're pretty cool. I don't think I've properly introduced myself yet, I'm 马杰豪 (Ma Jie Hao), Nathan Ma." He holds out his hand for me.
I accept it, making myself crack up a smile for him. "孙雪莉 (Sun Xue Li), Maeve Sun Lively."
He had these bright orange highlights in his dyed light brown hair, an eyebrow slit, and he's got a pretty handsome face.
"It's going to be a long five to six months, isn't it?"
I hold in the urge to burst out of the door and just leave. "Yeah it sure is."
"Well, I'll see you soon, Sun Xue Li." He shoves his hair back and starts walking away, as if he's some movie character. What a narcissist.
I almost caught myself rolling my eyes, but it would be a wrong move in front of all these cameramen.
The whole building was about sixty to seventy floors high. I got back to the instructor's dorm floor and knocked on Mason's door which was right next to my own room. After a whole day I felt exhausted.
He opens it and invites me in. I speak right after the door closes.
"While you were doing whatever, I spent basically my whole afternoon dealing with those people." I shove a bunch of the papers and folders into his chest. "And now I've got to read all of these. I just don't get it, why do I have to do this? This whole show seems stupid. Like, who even are these girls? They're all just starters, and if not starters, those who have failed, nobodies. Why can't they just figure things out like how I had to do instead of coming to this show? We all know even when they form this whatever C-Pop group towards the end, their names will be lost throughout a few years. This is all crap."
Mason ignores my comments and gently sets the folders and papers down. He reads through some of them with careful eyes. He's always been the opposite of me, while I'm impatient, he's got the patience to wait things out. Waiting for the right moment to say the right thing.
"Give them a chance, Maeve. See them first. Everyone has something, just give it some time."
I huff down on his bed and start scrolling through my phone, but I wasn't really looking at it. I was waiting for him to tell me that I'm right, that this show was all a waste of time. But he's Mason.
He hands me a folder and starts reading the things written on there out loud to me. I keep quiet until he gets to the next paper.
"Oh fine! Whatever, I guess I'll just be wasting half a year doing this stuff."
He smiles and hands me the paper he was holding and I take my time to read through each one. Mason and I used up the rest of that day doing that, even when our dinner came in, we spent our time scrolling through each folder.
I was no teacher. I was the one who cared and improved myself, it wasn't the other way around. Everything at the time that was happening annoyed me, and I wanted to go do other things. But what I didn't know was the changes and realizations awaiting for me toward the end of the whole show.