IT WAS MID-2018 AND OUR GROUP had just started an album. Our own songs.
My voice used serious auto-tune in the songs, and I hated that. But Mr. Wang insisted. Although my dancing has gotten better than before, I was able to catch up. I was starting to dance as good as Bridget, and I thought she'd be threatened by that but she wasn't. She was happy for me instead, once she even said to me, "I'm so glad you've managed to get so good. We will be at the top together." I managed to smile back.
I don't know how she does that. Because if I were her, I wouldn't be joyful that one of my teammates might be as good or even better than me. I was just starting to realize that you can never really share the spotlight with someone else. Well, depends what kind of spotlight you're talking about. But I wanted to be the best, and the best only meant the best. Bridget and I couldn't be the best together.
Our first album was sent out for release, and when it was confirmed for a release date, Bridget and all of us were dancing in joy. I mean, it's this feeling. Your own work, being sold into the world for the first time after all that time of practice. How can you not feel happy? I remember we would stop dancing to other singers' songs. We were dancing to our own songs. Do you know what I mean? That feeling? Seeing the name G.W.F. under our songs, we were on music apps. It was exciting, and we could all feel that joy of starting to rise to the top.
But our songs weren't selling. No one was listening to it. And Mr. Wang was trying his best to book us music videos to shoot for some songs in our albums. But no company wanted to work with us. They barely cared to listen. We were nobodies, and we weren't given the opportunities to show ourselves. It's like you were rising to the top, but then the thing that is driving you to the top suddenly stops working, and you find yourself falling. We were all too excited, and then the hopes that had just begun dies.
You could feel the dread between all of us when we got up to train. Even Bridget, her voice didn't sound as exciting as before. And her dancing looked lifeless. We all felt lifeless. We worked so hard and the reality suddenly set in that even if we do work hard, it won't always work. It felt like we were working towards nothing.
Until Mr. Wang came up with another plan.
"Since we can't get music videos to shoot, we will do live concerts."
You can tell Kayla and Phoebe seemed unmoved by the suggestion.
"But no one even listens to our songs. Who will come?"
"We'll start the tickets cheap and give out free drinks, and people, they'll come for the cheap tickets and drinks. And once they have seen you guys, they'll keep coming. We just need the chances to show you guys off. People need to see your faces with your music, that's how it works."
We looked from one another, clearly a heat of rising hope between our eyes. That's when we all started working again.
Like how Bridget had mentioned, Mr. Wang wanted to go with the theme of highlights in our hairs. Phoebe and Kayla both hated the idea. But once they got it, Phoebe with blue highlights mixed in with her natural black hair, and Kayla with purple highlights mixed in with her natural black hair, you can tell they loved it.
When Mr. Wang got to me, he looked indecisive. I had just about the prettiest dark natural brown hair, and I think he didn't want to ruin it with the cheap hair dyes. So he decided to use some light brown hair dyes for my hair instead of some bright colors like the others. When it was done, you have to admit that the light streaks of brown highlights running through the dark brown of my hair looked completely natural, like I was born with it. I stood out from them like that, and I liked it.
The last step was deciding our roles. When we recorded our album songs, we didn't decide which roles we'd get, but we would have done that if we got to shoot the music videos. But now, we needed to choose the captain and who will take which spots in the live concerts and performances. And the captain always gets the center spot and most attention, which always lets the audience capture them first.
Mr. Wang decided to see us perform together and make the decision. By then, my dancing was as good as Bridget. And I had the confidence that I might even be better. Of course Mr. Wang was going to choose me as captain. He brought me here all the way to the city from a village, he got me a fake identity, I was his biggest asset. I was his first girl. He was going to pick me no matter what.
We started dancing, and this time my singing was even better than usual. My dancing exceeded beyond better, I was shining, I was the star of this group.
When we're done, we stand in a straight line, facing Mr. Wang. The others, especially Bridget, was fidgeting with their hands. I stood confidently.
"Okay, so I've made the decisions."
I swear we all stopped breathing.
"Kayla, you'll take fourth."
She sighs, but nods and thanks Mr. Wang. The rest of us are all still holding our breaths.
"Phoebe, you'll take third." She looks disappointed but thanks him.
It's just me and Bridget left.
Mr. Wang looks up from his paper and stares right at us. He looks like he doesn't want to tell us his choice. Bridget reaches for my hand, and I let her hold it.
"Your singing and dancing has really improved in the last couple of months, Maeve. I knew you had the talent in you."
I smile and bow a little. "Thank you."
I'm captain. He's chosen me.
"It was very hard to make a choice between the two of you, you're both my very well chosen girls."
I nod, why can't he just say it already? It's as clear as day that I'm the captain.
"So my decision is..."
Bridget's grip on my hand tightens, and I almost feel bad for her in that moment. She's worked so hard, she transferred to my school just to help me with my Ya Kai Jun mess. She has done so much and yet now she's going to be put second. But I've also worked hard. I've been working as hard as her, maybe even harder. I deserve the spot as captain.
"Bridget Wu as captain."
I think time seemed to have stopped in that moment.
Bridget released her grip on me and quickly went over to Mr. Wang to thank him. I could hear them talking, but it's blurred. And I'm just standing there. I catch on and off phrases like Maeve, singing needs better work, or like, Bridget is better at leading the girls, or like, hard decision. I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself.
Bridget grabbed up my hands, clasping them warmly in hers. "I did it, Maeve. I did it!"
And to my surprise, my pretending worked perfectly that day and the rest of the days and shows we'd do. I placed on a smile, and started jumping up and down for her.
"Yes, I'm so happy for you! You've worked so hard, you deserve it!"
And she believed me. She really thought I just let the spot slide to her. Well, I did. What choice did I have then?
Bridget, after being chosen as captain, you can see herself holding so much pressure. And then I'd think, if that was me, if I was captain, I wouldn't have that problem. That spot should have been mine. I was getting even better than I was before, training harder and harder. I was starting to really go beyond Bridget, my dancing. But singing? Singing has never been my thing. And the thing about singing is that no matter how hard you try and work for it, if you're not born with a good voice then you'll only be damaging your throat by singing over yourself. I've learned that pretty early on, so there wasn't much I could do about it. But I think that's the reason he chose Bridget. Because she could sing. But what about all the other important stuff? I was way better than her, I was more fit for captain.
I was starting to hate myself in a way I didn't think I ever would. I hated myself for loving Bridget. I...let's say I really cared for her. I was mad that the captain spot wasn't mine, but seeing her starting to slip off because of the pressure, it was hard to watch.
And our concerts, little people came. Mr. Wang first got us a rented garbage garage place, where there's a small platform, and we performed there. And every time we did, it's always the same few people, watching us with a couple of sad posters with our names written on and waving it around the twenty or maybe fifteen people crowd.
We were starting to doubt ourselves, and I was too. Kayla and Phoebe were saying how if this doesn't work out, they'll go to college. I didn't have that choice. And Bridget, she was saying how her mother is asking her to focus on school. They all had sort of a backup plan. But I didn't have that, and if our group isn't going to be famous, where would I go? What will Adele and Joseph do to me after they find out I'm a waste? That I'm useless? For a few times, I was actually thinking about going back to the village, going back to my mother. It has already been about four years, and I kept wondering if she's looking for me. And if this all fails, will I go to her? Will she take me back? Will she realize just how important I am to her and that she'll start to love me? Or has she always loved me? I don't know. I didn't know what to do. I was scared, but what could I do about it? The whole thing itself seemed to be bigger than me. Mr. Wang was starting to grow frustrated and he had this bad temper, none of us dared to add fire to it.
I think, after all those few concerts we did, I can already recognize who is who in the crowd. It's hard to know why they came to watch us. Was it the cheap tickets? Was it the free booze and drinks? Or was it simply us?
The small stage, or if you can even call it a stage, wooden planks stuck over some oil tanks, it wasn't the best place to be performing. We weren't doing well. The number of people listening and buying our music didn't grow either. We were still nobodies. But despite all that, I still craved for that captain spot everyday. And seeing Bridget leading us, seeing her pressure, I was starting to find excuses for my behavior. I told myself that I deserved the spot more than her. That if I take it, I'm relieving her from so much pressure, so much work, she'd be thankful. But really, I just wanted it for myself. And I knew, even with the pressure weighing Bridget down, you can tell that she loved the spot. That she enjoyed being captain and I think...maybe she did deserve that spot more than me. I don't know. I really don' t know.
We were back in the small studio, already three months into the concerts and it's summer. So instead of working on homework at home or going on vacation like the other kids, we spent every single hour at the studio other than night. Dancing and singing, and never stopping even when our voices scratched and our muscles ached.
One day Mr. Wang came in, we paused our dance music and our dance instructor went somewhere else to give us privacy.
"Girls, I've got some good news."
We straightened up a little more, even from the sweat and heat in the studio. We were dancing so much it was burning, the place practically felt like a fire pit. We couldn't afford the AC so we danced through the summer hotness. Tired and grumpy, we could barely focus on Mr. Wang's face.
"A big studio producer listened to your songs, he's coming to the next concert. If he likes us, he'll work with us. We would get to film music videos and book more concerts." He doesn't mention that those concerts will be better concerts, places where it isn't a garbage garage. Places I should be at.
We were so tired that day, but then we started jumping up and down for each other. For a moment I forgot about the captain spot.
"Work on your spots and show yourselves, he'll be an important piece of work to us."
And that's when I realized, I need to be captain. I need to be captain on this next show. The meaning of that will change everything, and if I'm not captain, this big studio producer wouldn't notice me. Or at least, not give me as much of the attention. And I came here to be the best, and I'm going to do exactly that.
A few hours before that concert, I went to a pharmacy near my house. I went in there, and my hands were shaking. I was going to do something that...I don't think was right. But sometimes the wrong choices are for better purposes, shouldn't that be right then?
I let my fingers wander around the cases of medicine and prescriptions, until this one guy came up to me.
"May I help you find what you need?"
I stared at him, he looked about a few years older, acne running all over his face that is uncared for. I pulled my hands behind my back so he wouldn't see me shake, and I placed on a weak sorry smile that I know will work.
"M-My grandma has been having trouble sleeping. She sent me out here to get something that will make her fall asleep right away. S-Something called like Gamma-Hydroxy——"
"Gamma-Hydroxybutyrate?"
I nod, remembering the research I did before today.
"Well, this is a serious drug. Are you sure your grandma asked for this? May I see a prescription for her maybe?"
I leaned in on the shelf, I was wearing a low v-neck shirt that I know will be showing my cleavage. "B-But she never told me she had a prescription. Please, mister, my grandma really needs this."
I see his eyes peeking at my chest, and I know I've won just about it. Do I think he bought my cover story? Of course not, but cover stories aren't what always gets you the things you want. It's the way you put yourself in front of these men that gets you what you want.
He flashed his eyes away quickly, blushing, and walked over to the deeper part of the pharmacy to get something. When he comes back, he has a small medical looking box in his hand.
"Can I pay you later? My grandma really needs this right now."
He looked so unsure, and I would be too if I were him. But he finally let it slip and said fine, told me to be careful and don't use too much dosage or else it can cause serious medical problems.
I wasn't smiling when I ran out of that pharmacy. I was shaking, maybe trembling. And I kept reminding myself that this is what I needed to do, that this is how it's supposed to be. How life doesn't give you things, you take it. But was it the right way to take what belonged to me? I don't know.
I invited Bridget to that cafe we went to last time an hour before the concert. In my purse, I had the GHB drug inside. And my hands kept wandering in there from time to time. I redeemed myself right before she came, and I stopped shaking.
She was smiling when she came to sit across from me at the table. We ordered some drinks and pancakes.
"I really think today is going to be it. This is the day where we rise, don't you think so?"
I smile at her. "Of course it is! It's going to be so awesome!"
Her smile fades a little and she starts fidgeting again. "M-Maeve, I don't think we ever had this conversation before."
I feel something in me tense up and I smile at her again. "What are you talking about, we literally talk about everything."
Her dark eyes land on me and she's the most serious I've ever seen her. "The captain spot, Maeve."
I stop smiling.
"You never mention it, but I know that you...you deserved the spot too. And that day when Mr. Wang gave it to me, I felt so bad. You worked so hard and I...I just, I don't know."
She's starting to tear up now. I suddenly felt so mad at myself, this is my friend. This is probably the person who cares about me the most and in the purest way possible that anyone had ever cared for me. And I was about to hurt her.
"Is it my fault?" She looks at me, and all I can focus on is the red highlights running through her hair. I couldn't look her in the eyes.
"No, of course not. You're my friend, and I love you. I'm happy for you."
This only makes her tear up more, and she reaches across the table for my hand. I can feel a rush of hot blood run up me from where she touches my fingers.
"I love you too." She smiles at herself and wipes at her tears. "Excuse me, I'm gonna go use the bathroom."
I smile back at her as she goes.
"Here are your drinks." The waitress sets down our two drinks on the table and leaves.
Every breath I took in that moment was air that was stinging my lungs. And my eyes were watering, my hands were shaking. Each motion I went though, it felt surreal. It felt like another girl, it felt like someone else doing it.
I can't exactly remember what happened. I just remember that there was no one else at the cafe other than the waitresses and me and Bridget. And none of them saw me. And there were no security cameras.
I remember the drug container in my hand. I remember using a small spoon. I remember spooking out a small amount of clear liquid in that container. I remember putting it into Bridget's drink. I remember retrieving the drug into my purse just in time as Bridget comes out. I remember her talking, but I couldn't hear what she was saying. I could only focus on how her lips touched her drink glass, and that she drank the whole thing. Didn't leave one sip. And then I remember getting up, and I said something to her that made the both of us leave. I remember she said she had a headache, and I asked if she was okay and I really meant it. I remember being so scared. I remember she said she felt suddenly drowsy and that she felt like sleeping. I remember taking her back to her place I think, or was it my place? I think we might have bumped into her mom, and I said that Bridget and I came back from practice and she was too tired to get back alone. I remember tucking Bridget into her bed, and I remember her whispering something about tonight's concert to me. I remember her pulling me back to her bed, and then I remember feeling suddenly nervous and heart pleading. I remember she mumbled something in my ear and then she kissed me. I didn't know what it was, but she just kissed me on the lips. It was such a good feeling that I didn't know I could ever feel. She smelled so sweet and I was starting to cry. And then I remember backing away, I remember running out of that place and then telling her mom goodbye. Then all of a sudden I was in the studio.
My heart was racing but I don't remember from what. Whether if it was from Bridget's kiss or what I had done to her. What I was then doing after. But I wasn't crying anymore.
We waited a few minutes and then Bridget never showed. Mr. Wang started to panic and asked all of us if we knew where Bridget was. I said no.
He was mumbling about how important this concert is and that without a captain, without Bridget, the show wouldn't work. Saying how this big producer doesn't have all the time in the world and that this was our only chance.
And then I remember I raised my hand. And this was the clearest memory I had about those few hours. I remember saying; "I can replace Bridget for this show. I have all her parts and moves memorized."
And I did, because all along I had been waiting for this moment. I was supposed to be the captain and here I was.
Mr. Wang looked unsure but did he have a better choice? I knew my singing was horrible but I was the only one who memorized every single detail of the captain spot other than Bridget.
We went to that garbage garage stage. I danced my heart out, I was outstanding, and my voice was even better than usual, even though it wasn't as good as Bridget's. And then the show was over. The big producer started coming up to us and Mr. Wang, and they were talking and he looked impressed and happy. And then he came up to me, and I was smiling at him, and then he was starting to talk about how amazing and unique I looked up there, that I had a great talent. That he wanted to give me more chances to show myself, that I was the star here.
Mr. Wang couldn't be more happy.
The next day in the studio, when I came in, Mr. Wang had given me the captain spot permanently.