"Anong iaalay mo?" Janella asked as clung her arms on mine.
I just gave her a glance bago umiling. We have five major quizzes tomorrow plus report in Med2—specifically, Gastro-Endo-Onco. If noong second year naga advance study na ako a week before, ngayon two weeks before na. Araw araw may quiz at recit. Hindi ko na magawang makakuha ng 6-hours na tulog, swerte na ako ngayong kung makaka 4 hours. It is indeed a tired year.
Alay subject, well, siya ang subject na pipiliin mong i-sacrifice or let's say ibagsak at bawiin na lang sa next quiz dahil sabay sabay talaga sa isang araw lahat ng major. Karamihan samin, yon ang ginagawa pero sinisigurado talaga na mababawi pero hindi siya ganon kadali. I tried it once pero hindi ako nakatulog nang bumagsak talaga ako at hindi nabawi nong second quiz. It was such a torture on my part. Kaya sinisigurado ko talaga na bawat subject, bawat chapter maaaral ko. Kung doble na ang effort ko last year, triple na ngayon.
It wasn't really easy, wala pa kaming one month pero may apat na sa amin ang nag break down sa mismong room. This school year, well, was too brutal. Akala namin mahirap na talaga ang second year, but looking back napaka dali pa pala compared sa third year.
I was somehow glad nakakapag basa ako nong vacation. Ever since we broke up, sumunod agad ako sa US kayna Lola. I stayed there reading my medical books and enrolled courses online para hindi sayang ang oras hanggang sa time ko na para umuwi sa Pinas which is the exact day mismo ng pasukan.
Ayoko kasi talaga siyang makita. Cyclone already knew everything since sinabi daw ni Hurricane sa kanya. I avoided Cy the whole vacation, nang mag-kita kami ulit hindi naman niya in-open ang topic. He even helped me na lumipat sa condo ni Janella. My unit was already for sale.
I don't want to stay there anymore, ayoko don sa mapupuntahan pa niya ulit ako. Simula ng malaman niyang bumalik ako palagi nalang siyang nag-aantay sa may building pero ni isang beses hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin. I was really thankful kay Janella dahil kahit hindi niya tinatanong tinutulungan niya akong maka-iwas.. and Cy always pulled his brother away from me..
I changed my sim and deleted all my social accounts. I don't need any of them. Nag-stick lamang ako sa isang messaging app for my family and friends, also for update sa school and that's all.
It was really hard to focus, para akong naging robot. Wala akong maramdaman pero parang lutang na lutang ako. Sumasabay nalang sa araw.
Puro SGD, BFD, CCC, quizzes, report, lesson lang ang laman ng utak ko. Madalas naiisip ko lahat, hindi lang ang break-up namin kundi pati ang pag-kawala ni Charlie.. and those was the worst. Hindi ko alam paano agad alisin sa utak ko kaya sobrang ginugol ko lahat ng time sa pag-aaral lang.
Ending? Kung hindi 4 hours, 2 hours nalang ang itutulog ko and it helped. It really helped me forget every pain.. temporarily.
I never shed a tear again. After that very day, my eyes went dry.
"Ped2 muna alay ko, sis! Diko kakayanin ang GI at NeuroSurg kung diko iaaalay ang tatlong quiz." She rolled her eyes, massaging her temples. Palabas na ulit kami ng building, dederetso na kami sa coffeeshop na bago naming tambayan. Cy's already heading to his car, imi meet na lamang namin siya sa labas ng gate.
"Sis," Janella chuckles, "Hindi ba nag-aaral ex mo? Dapat nag-enroll nalang din siya dito kung dito tatambay lagi no?"
I rolled my eyes. Tuloy tuloy lamang sa pag-lalakad.
"Chandy.."
Hindi ko siya pinansin. Ayoko. Ayoko siyang kausapin pa. Tapos na ako sa kanya, tapos na kami.
Ni isang tingin hindi ko siya binigyan. Pilit kong iniiwas ang mga mata ko.
"Hurri! Hi, omg! I have chika for you!" Janella uttered, bumitaw na sakin para harangan si Hurricane. That's what she always do, hindi ko naman tinitignan papaanong harang ang ginagawa niya basta ako mas binilisan ko lamang ang lakad hanggang sa makarating ako sa kotse ni Cy.
My heart was beating so fast from walking-running nang makapasok ako.. but that's all..that's everything I felt. Pagod lang.
"Here," Cy handed me his hanky. Inabot ko lamang yon at tahimik na pinahiran ang pawis ko.
"He's there again?" tumango lamang ako sa tanong niya. "Hindi ko nakita, sorry. I tried talking to him naman—"
"Can we not talk about him? Wala talaga akong pakielam." I asked stolidly. He blinked twice before nodding, lips partly opened.
We waited for Janella, hingal na hingal siyang pumasok sa kotse. "Gosh! Hindi nalang ako sa sex hinihingal ngayon kairita!"
Cy laughed at her remark before driving off.
"Mukhang zombie ex mo pero crush ko padin, okay?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Mukhang naramdaman naman ni Janella na ayoko talagang pag-usapan kaya iniba nalang niya ang topic. They just ranted about third year and how they missed partying. I just silently listened as I wonder when this miserable feeling of being so empty.. so drain.. will change.
The car stopped the same time my phone pinged. We just arrived sa coffeeshop.
"Hey, let's go."
I looked at Cy and Janella before nodding my head, "Una na kayo."
Janella just shrugged before leaving the car habang mukhang nagda dalawang isip pa si Cy. I rolled my eyes, "Cy."
"Okay, okay."
He glanced at my phone before stepping out the car. Binuksan ko naman ang message.. actually, ayoko sana.. but it's from her.
Can we talk? Maybe tomorrow, 7 pm?
**
Seven in the evening I'm already inside Tim's. I didn't order anything, wala akong planong mag-tagal. I'll just let her say her piece and then I'll go. Marami pa akong quizzes.. mas marami pa akong importanteng bagay na gagawin..
I shouldn't be here.. but damn me, right?
Damn me for being here.
I was just staring at the empty seat in front of me when she sat there. Her eyes were not as dead as mine, there's still a glint of something inside those orbs.
"Chandy.." her soft voice called.
I am now face to face with the woman he loved. The woman who he claims to be always there.. in his present.. the one who will never be in his past..
I am now face to face with the woman who proclaimed her unrequited love and whom he kissed in return.
I am now staring at his girl bestfriend.
I tried trusting them.. I tried fixing my attitude yet in the end they still betrayed me.
"Chandy.." she called again.
"I don't have much time. Just say ..whatever you want to say." My face was stoic, voice bare of any emotion as I said those words.
"I'm.. I'm really sorry.. I really do, maiintindihan ko.." then her eyes tear up. "Maiintindihan ko na hindi mo ako mapapatawad agad.. I know.. I.. I shouldn't have said those words knowing he already has you."
I remained silent, nakatingin lamang sa kanya.
"We were.. we loved each other. It was mutual before but Hurri, he's too coward."
It even sound worse na he didn't take the risk with her because he was so afraid of losing her but he took the risk with me.. it feels like he took the risk kasi he can lose me?
"So I dated another guy, just trying to make him jealous baka sakali umepekto.." she shrugged, "But he didn't. He was actually happy. Like, really happy. So I tried moving on with someone else. I really tried, and noong akala ko ayos na ako, wala na he met you again.. and day by day I watched him falling deeply, madly in love with you. Hindi ko matanggap, mahirap tanggapin.. na hindi pa din pala nawawala yong pag-mamahal ko. Pero wala e, it's really my first time seeing him so relaxed and happy, he was so motivated. He shone, Chandy. Trust me, he really love you. He made it clear when I got depressed dahil nawala si Mom, he made it clear when we kissed.. it was all clear.. it became too clear na hindi na talaga ako..I know Hurri too much.."
"Is that all?"
I have more important things to do than listen to her love story where I am painted as a villain.
"No.. he's.. he's too wasted. He can't focus, bumabagsak siya bawat recit and that's not just so him. Please, Chandy.. talk to him." her voice was begging.
"He's not my responsibility."
"Mahal ka niya, okay?! He can't focus, ang nasa isip lamang niya mapatawad mo siya, balikan mo siya. This is the first time I saw him loving someone else more than how he loved me! So please.."
I don't know if she even know how to say the right words.. gosh, they're both so insensitive.
"Then fix him. It's your time to shine." I nonchalantly said, one brow arched and was ready to stand up.
Wala akong pakielam kung galit siya sa mga sinabe ko, dahil simula ng hindi niya nirespeto ang relasyon namin.. ang limitasyon niya.. nawalan na siya ng karapatan mag-demand sakin. She's hurt. She's in pain pero may isip pa din siya.. sana inisip niya na may ako. Sana inisip nila yon.
This is just too much. Nakakapagod na. Napaka cliche na nila. Pagod na ako.
"Gosh! You're such a selfish bitch!" she blurted out. Napatingin sa amin ang ilan dahil sa sinabi niya.
Tumayo na ako pero hindi ako aalis at tatanggapin lamang lahat ng sinabi niya.
"You do not have the right to call me selfish bitch when you're the one who desperately crawled to my boyfriend, acting so weak to get his fucking attention."
I held my chin up. Parang nabuhusan siya ng tubig sa hitsura niya.
This is not right.. they're making me feel so evil when I am just trying my whole best to fix myself alone!
"That is not true.."
I shrugged.
"Don't be such a hypocrite, Barb. This is what you want right? Grab your chance."
Hindi ako lumingon nang tawagin niya ulit ang pangalan ko. Ayoko na, ayoko na magkaroon ng pakielam. Ayoko nang makapag-salita na naman ng mga bagay na ikakakonsensya ko lang sa huli.
Pagod na ako sa kanilang dalawa.
Hindi ako band aid. Tao ako, at may halaga ako.
That night, my parents paid me a surprise visit. I didn't even know why they are here, they're never been here. It was actually the first time they check on me and when I say 'first time' I really meant ever since I was a kid.
I stayed silent, nakikiramdam sa kanilang dalawa. Mom smiled at me before going to the kitchen to cook, she looked somehow.. tense?
And what the hell?! Mag-luluto siya?
"Nak.."
My eyes shifted to my father. "Po?"
"Kumusta?"
It was just one word.. but my lips quiver, my eyes getting watery as my chest tightened.
For the past few weeks, I am acting tough in front of everyone. I act as-if I don't give a damn anymore.
I cleared my throat as I look away. "I'm doing well. My grades were good."
"I'm not asking about your grade.." he replied gently.
"I am really fine dad. And I am single again."
He nodded. "Your mom.. sabi niya ramdam niyang may mali that's why we're here."
I nodded. "But I am fine po."
"You know you can rely on us, nak. Your mom and I were always here,"
Again, tumango lamang ulit ako. I watched Dad as he stood up para umupo sa tabi ko and then he collect me in his arms, rubbing my arms gently. One tear fell, agad ko yong pinahiran.
But it was so hard stopping the pain eating me up ever since that night when my parents were here.. showing me I am not alone. I should not be alone.
"It's okay, you can cry on Daddy." His voice was breaking as he whispered those words, "And I love you, we love you. You're not alone now."
**
After my class nag-meryenda lamang kami ni Cy bago ako dumiretso sa place na sinabi ko kay Hurricane para mag-kita. Within just an hour, I arrived sa Tagaytay. The same hill we went to that night him and Cy got so wasted.
I didn't wait long, ilang minuto lamang mula ng dumating ako ay sumunod naman siya. He has dark circles under his eyes, he look so pale..in short, he look shit.
Nakatingin lamang siya sakin, bare of emotion but his eyes were pleading. Hindi ko itatanggi.. looking at him now, merong part sa sarili ko na gusto siyang tanggapin pabalik.
Pero hindi kasi pede na maging ganon ako kahina.. paano ko siya mapapatawad ng buo kung wala akong maramdaman na kahit ano. Manhid na manhid na ang pakiramdam ko. Kung babalik ako, sisirain ko lamang lalo ang lahat samin.
Hindi lahat ng bagay dapat balikan.
"I just want to tell you na wala akong plano na balikan ka."
Isang mabilis na luha ang pumatak sa mata niya. Agad niya yong pinahiran bago umilin, "Please.." his voice broke. "Please, one last chance. Please, please.. let me prove to you na ikaw lang. Ikaw talaga, please.."
Another tear fell from his eyes.
And it wasn't easy seeing him like this.. My chest tightens as I watch him shedding his tears.
When he promised me he'll make me see us- this is not what I thought I would see.
"It's not healthy anymore.."
"Cha.. nagkamali ako.. sobra, pero wag mo naman ako iwan.. please."
Umiling ako. "You don't understand. Pagod na pagod ako Cane. Ayoko na." my tears fell as I said the last words. Agad ko yong pinahiran. "Sinisira mo lang sarili mo pero wala ka ng aasahan sakin.."
"Love, please, don't.."
"Intindihin mo naman ako. Respetuhin mo naman yong desisyon ko. I don't want to be with you anymore, Hurricane. I don't want you anymore."
"Love.. gagawin ko lahat..basta wag ganto, wag lang ganito.."
Umiling ako. Sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam. Hindi ko naisip nadadating kami sa point na magkakasakitan lang kami ng sobra.
I guess, deep inside, I always thought he'll be the last..
"Please.."
My back remained straight as I held my chin up. "Let me go.. you have to let me go Hurricane.. Ayoko.." I gulped as I looked straight in his eyes, feigning strength. "I don't want to see you anymore." I shook my head, "Ayoko ng makita ka pa.. tapos na tayo. Just.. just respect my decision.. that's the least you could do."
He cried realizing everything's over now. He harshly rubbed his face using both of his hands as he cursed himself. He just cried.. and I stood beside him. Watching him. Listening every breaking sob. I watched him breaking down as I remained standing.
When he finally stopped, he looked at me, his eyes were soft yet it hold so much pain.. regret was screaming in those orbs as he walked towards me weakly.
Pagod na din siya.
He licked his lips, his eyes still tearing up. Sobrang pula na ng mata niya kakaiyak.
Kinuha niya ang kamay ko bago siya mas lumapit para yumakap.
Hindi ako bumitaw, dahil alam kong tinatanggap na niya.. dahil alam kong eto na ang huli..
His embrace was tight.. but it was not comforting anymore, it awakens the emotion sleeping inside me. It tickles the pain until I slowly felt it spreading slowly through my whole body.
"Mahal na mahal kita." He achingly whispered as I felt his lips on my ear. I can feel the tears on my shoulder.
"Let's not see each other again." I replied.
Tuluyan na akong bumitaw bago tumalikod at pumasok sa kotse. Hindi ko siya tinignan. Hindi ko na siya kayang tignan na nasasaktan..
My tears fell as my hands gripped on the steering wheel..
Maybe someday we will meet again.. when we don't have to choose anymore, when he's not torn between taking care of her or keeping me.. when I'm finally done choosing between him or myself..
Maybe by then, everything will be right.