Okay um LONG CHAPTER WARNING but it's soooooooo adorable, trust me, and it's the birthday chapter so yayy!
The song is super important, so you guys really have to listen to it (there will be a little warning thing when you have to start it, to be in the perfect mood)
I don't think I'm gonna make anyone cry this time (please don't cry)
Let's goooooo
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October 16th, 2020
Star's POV :
Tom kept asking questions after I came back from lunch yesterday. There were pictures of Harry and I hugging in front of his studio all over social media, and others of us at the restaurant with the rest of the band. People saying we were 'definitely dating', since I was also hanging out with his friends and 'seemed to get along really well with Mitch and Sarah'. And of course, it's true. I really like them. Mitch kinda reminds me of myself : not super social, but also capable of being the life of the party, without trying to hard. And Sarah is just the type of person I get along with, she's really funny, easy to talk to, and seems trustworthy.
The one thing that isn't true is the whole 'they're dating' thing. Two people can apparently not hug each other without being together... Not that I regret hugging him. Absolutely not. I felt better than I had in such a long time. It was a bold move for me, but I didn't even think about it twice. Just went for it. And he didn't pull away from me. He hugged me tighter, holding me against his chest. I felt that funny light in my own, actually. It was stronger than in New York. Probably because we had never been this close -physically close, I mean- before yesterday.
I felt...safe.
"Alright, tell me one more time what happened !" Tom says, clearly way too excited and, for once, of course, not sleeping because of jet lag.
"Tommy...I told you five times already : Mitch ran into me, then Harry opened the door behind him, then I- I just- I hugged him. And he hugged me. And then I apologized for ignoring his calls, and he apologized for calling me while he was drunk, and the letter, and other stuff that he didn't even need to apologize for...and then well he asked me if I wanted to come in the studio with them, so I said yes, and I talked with them and it was really fun. They worked a bit, it was great to see it from...the inside. And then we went out for lunch, and it was a lot of fun too. And then I came back here" I run him through yesterday morning...again.
"Wow. This- this is so cool Starla ! Did you notice anything? Like him looking in your direction a lot, or trying to get your attention, or-"
"Tom...what are you trying to say exactly?" I ask, knowing exactly what he's trying to tell me.
"Well...you know, I personally think that Harry Styles might like you. Like, not just as a friend..." he suggests. I shake my head and start laughing. It's a frank laugh. I don't even see what Harry Styles would find so interesting in me that he'd end up liking me 'not just as a friend'. Ridiculous.
"We're not even properly friends to begin with, Tom" I finally say.
"Star. Don't try to fool me. You guys are friends. And you won't take out of my mind that he has something more in mind. Or that he will, soon. Anyways...even if you're right, which isn't the case, I like him. You look happy, you sound happy, you smile when you talk about all of that. And that makes me happy. I missed this side of you Star, hadn't seen it much in the past months..." he tells me, grabbing my hand.
And I know that he's right. I am happy right now. I had a great time yesterday, and it was so nice to talk with Harry, and to feel that warmth in my chest again. I just don't think it's a good idea to let myself feel anything more than friendship. And I know I'll end up breaking my own heart again if I do. I just know it. It's always been like that.
Me, saying it was nothing more than friendship. Tom telling me I was lying, and he knew there was more. And then me slowly beginning to have stronger feelings. And the other person telling me they don't feel the same way. Great story, right? And then there was Tyler. Tyler felt the same way as I did. Tyler was the first one to feel the same way as I did. I loved him. And he loved me. And then he didn't love me anymore.
But I still loved him, for a long time.
And I can't let that happen with Harry. Of course, I thought about it. Because he kept looking at me in the studio, because I caught him starring while I was talking with Sarah. Because I felt electricity run through my whole body when he held me closer against his chest, or when he took my hand. Because the conversations I can have with him are deeper, and more meaningful to me than the conversations you usually have with a 'friend' that you just met. Because he's the most adorable human being on this planet, and has the kindest eyes and purest smile in the world... See, this is why I can't let myself think about that. Cause when I think of it, I realize he's doing all the things Tom asked me about.
And I don't want for him to stop doing that. I just don't know if I'll be able to take it if it ends badly. I hope I will. Dammit. I'm overthinking again. I focus on how I felt yesterday to calm myself down. Today is my birthday, I had a great -really great- day yesterday. Today is gonna be just the same. Maybe better. My phone rings and Tom jumps on it to grab it before I do.
"Oh, well, well, well...look who's calling you already, Starla Robinson? Seems like the boy can't go without you for more than a night, that's interesting..." he jokes and I grab my phone, rolling my eyes at him.
"Tom, I swear if you don't stop doing this I- I'm...well I don't know, but trust me I'll find a way to torture you, and you will regret your actions!" I end up laughing, incapable of staying mad at him for more than five seconds. I pick up and walk to the small terrace of our room.
"Starla Robinson." he just says and I wish I could contain it but I can't, a large smile spreads across my face. His voice is like velvet through that phone. 'Not that it isn't in real life too' I think to myself.
"Harry Styles." I answer and I might be wrong but I think I hear him chuckle when I mimic his intonation.
"Happy birthday Starla !" he screams in my ear, sounding like an over excited child. How does he go from being calm and all mysterious to an 8 year old in three seconds ?
"Thanks Harry...how was the rest of the session yesterday?" I ask him, my elbows on the fence.
"It was great. I'm finally able to think straight and it's a good feeling. Would you mind uh- I mean, you probably have plans with Tom today but uh- I thought, maybe, we could...hang out for a bit. Or maybe we can go out tonight, but I know you're not necessarily a big party person so I thou-" He mumbles, stumbling on his words.
"I would love to hang out with you Harry Styles. I do have plans with Tom today, but you could come with us. And he's planning on taking me out tonight, which isn't debatable he said, so if you wanna join us for that too that would be...great. You could also ask Mitch and Sarah if they wanna come tonight." I explain to him.
I really don't want to go out, Harry's right, I'm not a party person. I used to be. Not anymore. But on my birthday, I don't think Tom will let me get away without a little going out time. And having Harry with us...with me, is a thought that I like a little more.
"Oh, well I gotta say, I'm relieved you said yes cause um- I might be in front of your hotel right now..." he sighs and my heart skips a bit 'Okay um calm down Star, it's chill' I remind myself.
"Like, right now ?" I ask him.
"Yeah, right now ! I can wait for you guys in the lobby, s'that alright with you?" he asks and I can indeed see him now, standing on the sidewalk.
"Uh- yeah, yeah sure...I mean you can come up if you want, Tom said he has to go get something, he won't tell me what it is and I just have to finish getting ready" I tell him.
Probably the most boring thing in the world : waiting for me while I do my makeup, but it's my birthday so he can't refuse it. And I don't think he would've refused it anyway, even if it had been a random day, to be honest.
"Alright, what's your floor?" he asks, and I swear I can see a large smile on his face.
"Seventh floor, room 72, it'll be on the right when you get out of the elevator, gotta go!" I say and I hang up, walking back in the room to a very excited Tom. He listened to me. I hate him.
"What?" I ask him, rolling my eyes.
"Nothing ! I'll be back in...45 minutes, maybe an hour. Don't do anything nasty, I sleep in this bed too..." he adds and I choke.
"Tom! Wh- you know what, get out before I kick your ass ! You are unbelievable..." I mumble, walking to the bathroom.
Is it to cover up the fact that I'm blushing ? Maybe. But still, he's insane. I would never. Harry would never. We would never... Great, now that image is in my mind. Round of applause for Thomas for being a pain in the ass. 'Annnnd that's a rhyme, I should ask Harry to put it in a song'...I laugh at my own thought and grab all the makeup I need.
When I come back in the room, Tom's gone and just a second later I hear a knock on the door. When I open it he's standing in the exact same position as when he came up to the room in New York. Except this time I'm not in a post panic attack mood.
"Good morning Starla Robinson." he says, his usual grin plastered on his face.
"You've already talked to me today Harry, remember, five minutes ago, on the phone..." I say rolling my eyes and chuckling.
"I know, but I wanted to say good morning to you, properly, and also-" he grabs my hand, looking in my eyes, looking for my consent and making sure that I'm okay with it -which I am- and pulls me in for a hug.
His arms wrap around my shoulders, and just like yesterday when I hugged him in the street, I feel electricity running through my whole body when one of his hands comes to the back of my head, holding it against him. I bury my face in his chest, hoping he won't notice the smile on my face, or that my cheeks are turning red really fast. "Happy birthday Star" he whispers and I laugh.
We stay like that for a while, his hand on my head, his thumb brushing my hair, my arms around his waist. And, for the first time in what feels like eternity, my brain stops overthinking every single aspect of what is happening. For the first time in what feels like eternity, I forget about everything else, and just focus on the feeling of his hand on my hair and the smelt of cologne on his shirt. For the first time in what feels like eternity, I feel like myself. The same me from before things went bad. The same me from before Tyler.
I finally start to pull away, remembering that I still have to do my makeup and that if I don''t get started now, both him and Tom are gonna hate me for taking too long.
"Thank you...I'm glad you're here!" I tell him, walking back in the room "So...are you coming or what?" I ask, noticing he's not following me, but just staring at me.
"I'm coming. Uh- Star ? I might have...something for you" he answers, his eyes bright, filled with excitement.
He didn't buy me a gift, did he?
"Surpriiiiiiise !" he says, pulling a small bag from behind the wall.
"Harry wh- what's this for ? Don't say 'your birthday' cause I'll kick you out of here in three seconds if you do" I tell him, trying to sound serious, but knowing that now the only thing I wanna do is unwrap his gift cause I'm a child when it comes to that.
"Well...see, there's that girl, and today happens to be a special day for her, and she happens to be special...for me. So I got her a little something..." he shrugs, finally walking in the room, closing the door with his foot and handing me the bag.
This boy just said straight to my face 'She happens to be special for me'. I'm probably gonna go insane in three days if he acts like this around me. As much as I try not to care, I'm aware that he knows exactly what he's doing, and I end up giving up and taking the bag. I sit on the bed and take a better look at it. It's a cute white bag, from what looks like a jewelry place. I'm gonna pass out. I open the bag and then the small box in it.
"It's- wow...Harry you didn't have to- I mean thank you, but-" I start mumbling.
"D'you like it? I wasn't sure, but Sarah helped me pick. Hey, Star, look at me. D'you like it?" he asks, his hand covering mine.
"I do... I love it ! It's beautiful...you're just...you are crazy, you know this right?" I joke, pulling the necklace out of the box.
"Yeah... you might be partly responsible for that" he says under his breath and I pretend I haven't heard him, holding in my smile. "Here, let me help you" he says, taking the necklace from my hands.
I notice he tries not to touch my neck too much as he clips it on me, which I like. Once again, he's doing everything he can to make sure I'm not uncomfortable, without even knowing that much of me. He's just so different from anyone I've ever known in my life. So much more careful with what he does.
"Let me see" I say, jumping from the bed to look at it in the mirror. "Beautiful...why did you pick a butterfly ?" I ask him, feeling like I know the answer, or at least, that my explanation on it could match his.
"Well...it just- it made sense to me. When I saw it. It was just you. Because butterflies are the most beautiful, perfect and yet most fragile creatures. And, even though I don't know what's in there yet-" he says, pointing at my head "-I think that you are just like that. And also, because of the Alice in Wonderland statue, you know there's that blue butterfly in the story. It's kind of- kind of a symbol of hope, and rebirth, and freedom. And I like that. And I think this is what's deep inside of you. I just hope you'll still want me around when you're ready to spread your wings and be free..." he explains and I nod.
This man is a genius. A proper genius. Hope, rebirth and freedom. The three things I have in mind at all times. The three things I long for. The three things I'm trying to find. I try to ignore the fact that he also mentioned 'Beautiful' and 'perfect'. I'm far from perfect, but coming from him, this is probably the sweetest thing I've heard in my life. And 'fragile'. I am fragile. More than he knows.
"And also because that way I can be with you even when I'm not" he mumbles, pointing at his chest : the butterfly tattoo. Okay, he really is insane...
"Well...I like the idea! Thank you." I tell him with a smile, sitting in front of the window to, finally start getting ready. "You're gonna have to bear with me doing my makeup right now, Styles. I apologize in advance" I joke and he laughs, but he sits on the edge of the bed and I can feel his eyes on me as I start. I smile, my back turned to him, when I hear him whisper, probably talking to himself, or thinking out loud:
"I could get used to it"
Harry's POV :
Today is probably the best day I've had in a long time. I thought yesterday, when she was at the studio with me, was the best day I'd had in a long time, but today's even better. She loved the necklace, and I could tell she wasn't just saying that to make me happy. She really loved it. I saw it in her eyes. And she liked the reason why I picked a butterfly too. It might have been a bit bold of me to pick a necklace for her, with an actual meaning behind it, considering we have known each other for a week, but I had to. It was important to me.
When she started her makeup, a thought slipped out of my mouth, and I know she heard me, even though she didn't bring it up afterwards. 'I could get used to it'. And it's true. I know I could get used to all of that. To sitting on the bed, looking at her while she does her makeup. To buying her all the necklaces in the world. To spending my days, from beginning to end, with her. I could get used to all of that. I will. If she lets me. Usually, this is something I wouldn't have thought about before a long period of time being around someone. But it just came naturally this time. And I thought about fighting it, not letting that idea in my mind, not letting myself feel that way. But I know it's useless to do a such thing. Because I wouldn't stand a chance. She would win.
Maybe she already has.
That's something I can't tell her yet though. I'll just keep it to myself for a little longer. Until she's ready. Until she trusts me. Otherwise, I'm afraid I would just scare her away, and that's the last thing I need.
Tom came back with coffee and a huge cake that the three of us shared. 'The bigger the cake the better' Tom kept saying. After that we went out, visited the Tower of London, walked on the glass floor of Tower Bridge. The day went great. Tom's a cool guy, really funny. I can tell they're extremely close. They seem like the same person, split in two different bodies. They're so similar, and, at the same time, they're each other's exact opposite. They complete each other perfectly. Like identical twins. It's fascinating. And Star's so happy around him. I can see it in their eyes when they look at each other. I don't think I've ever seen so much love shared between two people in just a look.
We're on the way back to the hotel right now, Star decided we had walked enough, so the three of us got in a taxi. Tom's chatting with the driver, sitting in the front. I'm in the backseat with Starla. She looks tired, but happy. I look out the window, trying not to stare at her for too long and I feel something move closer to me. She lays her head on my shoulder, her eyes closed, and this small gesture makes my heart skip a few bits.
"I'm exhausted...." she says in a quiet voice.
"Well, I would tell you that you can go to bed early tonight...but I don't wanna lie to you." I tell her.
"I know...I know, we're going out, it's my birthday, blah-blah-blah...did you call Mitch and Sarah? Are they coming? If they're not coming...I'm not coming." she pouts and I laugh.
"Not coming? To your own birthday party? They are coming, Star, you won't get away that easily from tonight." I say to her. "Besides, there will be a karaoke thing according to Tom, and I love karaoke, and I'm gonna force you to sing with me" I add.
"There's no way I'm singing in front of you Styles. That's not happening. Ever." she says and I chuckle. "I'm serious. Harry, I'm serious. That's embarrassing. You're a professional, trained, and by the way very talented singer, and I'm not going to sing in front of you." she mumbles.
"Oh you will, trust me" I whisper. "Come on, let's go" I tell her as the driver pulls over in front of the hotel.
"I'm NOT going to sing, Styles. Don't think you can make me change my mind on that." she repeats when the three of us walk through the doors.
"Oh Star, please sing ! Harry, I trust you with that. You have to make her sing, she's gonna say no, but then she'll do it and let me tell you, you don't wanna miss that. She's really good" Tom tells me, making Starla choke and I swear if killing people by looking at them was a thing, he would be dead right now.
"I got this, Tom. She'll sing." I laugh and Starla sighs loudly, walking ahead of us now. She's adorable.
When we get to the room she grabs clothes and heads to the bathroom. My jaw drops when she steps out a few minutes later, with bright red lips, and a baby pink satin dress. It feels like every time I look at her, she's even prettier than the previous second.
"Okayyyy birthday girl, I see you...let me take a picture of you" Tom starts screaming right next to me, jumping from the bed and rushing to get his phone, pulling me back to Earth.
"No...Tommy, we'll take pictures at the bar, with everyone, please, I'm awkward when I'm alone on photos." she chuckles, slightly blushing when my eyes meet hers. I look down at my phone, trying to distract myself a bit. I have to get Mitch and Sarah. And get changed, cause if she's gonna look like that, I definitely can't go in a random outfit.
"Um- I should probably go get Mitch and Sarah...I'll see you guys at the bar !" I say, walking towards the door "And you'll sing" I whisper when she's right next to me, which only receives a loud sigh and an eye roll.
"Alright, alright, see you Styles!" she finally says. I shut the door, smile like an idiot, and text Mitch to let him know that I'm on my way back.
When I get to the place Sarah and him are renting -a pretty cool, comfortable apartment, not too far from where I live-, I'm changed, wearing a light shirt and lagoon blue pants -did I pick a light pink shirt because it matches Star's dress? There's a strong possibility that this is exactly why, yes.
"SO? Did she like the necklace?" Mitch asks me, screaming from the bedroom while Sarah and I wait in the kitchen. She's asked me questions about today. It's funny how happy they seem to be that I've met Starla. And I know why. I hadn't been this excited about everything for a very long time. I hadn't been myself for a very long time.
"She did, she loved it, now get your ass in here, or we're leaving without you!" I scream back, making Sarah laugh.
On the way to the bar, I start doing something I hate : overthinking. I ask myself a thousand questions. Is she gonna feel okay? Will it be hard for her to be there ? Is she gonna have fun, or is she really forcing herself to come ? What will I do if she has a panic attack?
"Styles ! Harry! We're here." Mitch tells me, one hand on my shoulder, and I look up, meeting his eyes for a second. He knows I'm stressed as hell right now. I think it's pretty obvious. "It's gonna be okay, Harry. You're not gonna mess anything up. You got this." he tells me, before walking past me, straight to her.
She gives him a big smile and both Sarah and him hug her quickly, wishing her a happy birthday, telling her how pretty she looks. I stay behind them, suddenly not so sure anymore of how to act with her. The only thing I don't want is for her to feel uncomfortable.
"Hey stranger." she says, walking up to me, a large smile on her face. I chuckle and she locks her arm with mine, pulling me to the table where they're all sitting. I need to relax.
As time passes, I notice that she seems alright. I haven't been able to really look in her eyes to make sure, but she seems to be having fun. At one point, Sarah makes her get up to go dance with her, which she doesn't even try to refuse, and I stay next to the bar counter, looking at her spin in her high heels, laughing and singing. And that's when I understand something. I was wrong when I thought she isn't a party person. But it's also wrong to say that she loves that type of things, that she's comfortable with them. It just seem like she can change everything about herself to fit in. Even though it looks like she's really having fun right now, it's just something she does. She adapts herself. She makes everyone around her feel so great, just by being here. And it's a beautiful thing to see. But I also know that as much as she's simmering, and as beautiful as she is, she could break at any moment. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to break. I know she has in the past. I just know it. It can't happen again. When I snap out of my thoughts, she's walking to me, a bit out of breath, her hair messy, but still beautiful.
"What are you doing? I thought you loved karaoke..." she says, raising an eyebrow and I laugh.
"Alright, you really wanna do this, darling?" I ask her, mentally slapping myself cause the 'darling' just slipped out of my mouth.
"I'm not doing it. Not doing anything. Nuh-uh. Don't even try" she shakes her head, but her smile remains.
"I think I'm gonna have to try." I say, grabbing her hand and pulling her behind me.
"James ?" I hear her saying behind me. I keep her hand in mine, turning around to realize that the guy she's talking to is indeed James, from the coffee shop I go to every morning.
"Oh, the American girl! How's the birthday going?" he asks her with a large smile, before recognizing me, his eyes going from our interlocked hands all the way up to my face. "Harry, it's good to see you mate ! You guys know each other? That's insane..." he adds.
"Yeah uh-"
"Yeah we're friends" Starla says, and the look in James' eyes is something I wish I could erase from this world. It's in between 'oh, funny, looks like you guys are not on the same page about that' and 'cool, that means I have all my chances'. I feel like throwing up right now. Or pulling Starla away before he gets the chance to lay his eyes on her again.
I need to fucking calm down. What's wrong with me? I met her a week ago. I let her hand go and her face turns to me, an interrogative look in her eyes. Fuck.
"I uh- I'm gonna go get a drink. D'you want something?" I ask her and she shakes her head no. "Be right back" I add before walking away quickly.
I don't want to get a drink. I mean, yes I do. But I can't, cause that would be the worst idea ever. I need to be in my right mind tonight. I open the door and get out, needing a bit of fresh air to think straight. I don't even know why it pisses me off so much. She's right : we're friends. And that's it. We literally didn't know each other a week ago. I just need to relax. I just need to be patient. And if after a little while, the only thing she wants is friendship, then I'll be her friend, for as long as she wants me to. It's alright. 'Get back inside now and stop acting like a fucking child' I tell myself.
I pull the door open and a song starts playing. I think I know it, but it's not the type of song I'd know all the lyrics to. It comes from the karaoke thing in the corner. And then I see her, bringing the microphone up to her mouth, her hands slightly shaking, her eyes closed, completely focused. So i just stand there, looking at her as she starts singing.
(Play Mirrorball by Taylor Swift NOW)
'I want you to know, I'm a mirrorball...I'll show you every version of yourself tonight' She starts, the words falling from her lips. Tom wasn't lying. She has the voice of an angel. But she's shy. Her eyes are still closed as she keeps going. What's that song? I know it, but I can't tell why.
'I'll get you out on the floor, shimmering beautiful...and when I break it's in-'
"A million pieces" I whisper to myself.
I know exactly what song it. Mirrorball. Taylor. And at this moment I feel like there's no way she's singing this, because it's exactly what I was thinking about earlier, when I noticed that she was having fun, spinning around and dancing with all those people, but keeping something inside at the same time.
She's a mirrorball.
'Hush, when no one is around my dear' she opens her eyes, looking in my direction, locking her eyes with mine. 'You'll find me on my tallest tip toes, spinning in my highest heels, love, shining just for you'
She knows what she's doing. She knows exactly that I know she's telling me something. I see it in her eyes when the words come out of her mouth. She really is telling me something. Maybe she even wants to warn me, to tell me what she's like. She's doing exactly what I want her to do : she's opening up. No one else can know, but I do. I smile incapable of doing anything else. The light in my chest grows as she sings.
She's starting to trust me.
I walk towards her, getting closer, and sit on a stool right in front of her. She closes her eyes again, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable but it's just fascinating to listen to her singing those words, giving me a glimpse into her mind, into her story.
"She's good" I hear a voice whisper next to me. James. I liked this guy when I saw him at the coffee shop. But I don't like the way he looked at her. The way he looks at her right now. 'Relax' I repeat to myself a few times, simply nodding as an answer.
I listen to her, mentally noting every single word she's singing.
'I can change everything about me to fit in' exactly what I thought...
'You are not like the regulars, the masquerade revelers' I smile and feel my cheeks burning a bit. Does she really mean that? Does she think I'm not like other people she knows? I like that idea. 'Don't overthink' I warn myself. I need to keep it cool.
As the song comes to the end, she opens her eyes again, and I dive straight into them.
'I'm still a believer but I don't know why, I've never been a natural, all I do is try try try. I'm still on that trapeze, I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me' her voice slightly breaks at the end of the line and my hand instinctively moves forward to find hers. James says something next to me but I can't hear him. It doesn't matter what he's saying right now. I just need to remember this song. This line. I have to remember it. Because it's important to her. Because it's the door to knowing her.
The music dies and I forget about everything around me when she wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face in my chest. I think I'm already getting addicted to this feeling. I brush my thumb over her hair, on the back of her head and notice that her body is slightly shaking.
"Starla...Star, it's alright. Thank you. I knew you'd sing, I told you you'd sing. It's alright, I'm here, I'm right here" I whisper, needing to comfort her as much as I can right now.
"I'm tired" she mumbles, pulling her face from my body and looking in my eyes. I can see it really took a lot from her to sing this.
"Let's go, then, I'm taking you back to the hotel, s'that alright? Yeah?" I tell her, my thumb brushing her cheekbone softly. "Hey, everything's alright...Happy birthday, Starla Robinson" I say to her again and she chuckles.
"Thank you Harry" she says as we walk towards the door, her hands holding my arm.
No, thank you, Starla Robinson, for trusting me.
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Ummmm..... someone's catching feelings, that's all I have to say.
They're just too cute also can we please talk about the necklace and the OUTFITS ?! I'm in love!
Also, that's kinda like the vibe of the place they were at :
Hope you guys liked it, I'll see you in the next chapter.
All the love <3
Marie.